hoyo!

that was a busy weekend!
Pardon the no posts.

I'm struggling at work. 
Struggling to be in the moment and accept what is...partly because I DON"'T KNOW WHAT IS.
well, what is going on in my bosses brain.  Apparently I  have *way* more responsibility than I gave myself credit for.  And I got ragged on for it today.  and I cried.  Part of me felt like I knew this was coming.  Like I knew I wasn't doing a good enough job. 
I've never had to be this responsible before.  Responsible for other peoples actions. 
It doesn't help when people don't listen.  Or don't do what I ask...I don't know if they are listening or not. 
How do I be a good...supervisor?  How do I have people do what needs to be done without sounding like a bitch. 
I guess first is leading by example and not complaining anymore. 
I tend to act kinda flippant and uncaring so I *don't* seem like a bitch...but that seems to lead people into thinking I don't care, so then they don't care. 
And my boss seems to do things backwards, and we're all getting really tired of it.

I'm trying to live "loving-kindness".  I keep forgetting.

Just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

626-650

todays 25

-mist
-blueberry oatmeal
-Gayles in the rain
-clematis blossoms
-leaning into agner
-saving worms
-not getting a parking ticket
-dry feet
-the boss leaving
-snacks from shoppers
-not a lot of weeds
-baby photos
-hearing both sides
-a learning experience
-getting kicked in the but by the golden rule
-writing a fun bio
-getting excited to perform again
-J moving forward
-watching a terrible movie and making fun of it
-couch snuggles
-making decicions
-not waiting anymore
-FRIDAY
-pink hair
-the weekend

601-625

yesterdays thanks

-sleeping well
-nice clients
-remembering to *lean*
-no migrain
-J getting a laptop cord, TP and bringing back *my* library books (best husband ever)
-spinach pie and my first ever chocolate eclair (from a client)
-working alone
-Gyuto monks chanting
-easy day
-new music
-blue jay and cardinal calls
-a trip to the flower shop
-cute french boy in overalls
-fresh asparagus
-apricots
-finding out I'm eating fairly well, and to eat *better* I need to eat more of some of my favs
-lilly of the vally
-lilacs
-my mom...it was her birthday (best mom ever)
-more enlightenment (one drop at a time!)
-praises from boss
-toast soldiers
-more plants for friends
-good acupuncture treatment
-the smell of rain

576-600

only 400 more to go!  WOW

-sleeeep
-cool morning
-pancakes and bacon
-knitted moustache (photos SOON)
-too many crakcers
-chocolate milk in my coffee
-the Diva Cup!
-an affectionate Pickle 
-little rain
-lack of ttc collector=free ride (we needed to buy a day pass...we waited i bit, but we had to go)
-deep fried food
-berry cake
-shaded patio
-PATIO!
-book shopping
-only buying 2 books
-Leonard Choens poetry
-pizza night
-baby Ethan Hawk and River Phoenix (10 points if you know what movie I'm talking about!)
-more knitting
-being alone
-dish washer
-linen napkins
-Spring/summer
-J
-new found control

551-575

this day, I'm thankful for:

-early morning Saturday
-St. Lawrence Market
-linen pants (yes, still)
-pea meal on a kaiser
-unclarified apple juice
-not buying a treat at the market
-finding chocolate in my bag
-eating said chocolate
-diva cup
-the hope of new deodorant that works AND doesn't irritated my pits
- organic jelly beans
-knitting
-sushi lunch
-maple fudge
-caramel
-M Bear
-chicken dinner
-watching kids work together to make a river
-sweet girl on the subway
-Seeing Bunny, Sisu and Dem
-Dufferin Grove Park
-pink toes
-pink grapefruit italian soda
-chocolate
-'Chanting' with M Bear

the weekly menu

Sunday- Home made pizza
Monday-Soup (v)
Tuesday-Bok Choy stir fry (v)
Wednesday-Asparagus and sausage
Thursday- Pesto pasta with broccoli and shrimp
Friday- Bun, pronounced boon
Saturday-Mac and cheese with Broccoli (v)

526-550

It's easier to be thankful when the sun is shining.

Today, on this summer like day, I was thankful/happy for:

-talking with J
-warm morning
-fragrances!  Snow ball viburnum, lavender, lemon thyme
-bird song
-sun through the ferns
-the sun shine!
-coffee
-knee brace
-tylonal
-sparrows taking dirt baths
-a good work mate
-green tea gingerale
-peace at Galyes
-light green carpet of maple flowers
-having a safe, considerate driver as a co-worker
-sweating
-hearing a wasp chew wood for its nest
-weeding
-discovering Buddhist chants
-on sale icecream
-linen pants
-no bra
-super cute little girl wearing an Avangers cap
-amazingly nice cashier
-cheese for dinner

Just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

See the rest of the set here

kitchen tip

I re-discovered soft boiled eggs today when J asked for a hard boiled egg for breakfast for a protein boost before his registration exam.

I don't like them hard boiled, so I made a soft boiled egg for myself.  ALAS!  We don't own any egg cups!  what is a body to do!?

bagel egg cup!

am I a genius or what?

*EDIT*

I meant to tell you *how* to do boiled eggs!

Very gently, tap the bottom (wide end) of the eggs on the counter to 'crack' the bottom...it will sound like a little click.  you obviously don't want to *break* the egg.  This is where the air sack thing is.  This helps for when the egg expands when it's cooking.  The air gets pushed out, and your egg doesn't leak!  I *think* this helps with peeling too.

Stick your eggs in *cold* water, covered.  Turn on the burner to just before high.  Bring the eggs to a *gentle* rolling boil.  If you like your eggs soft, this is when you take them out.  If you like them hard, *gently* boil for 12 minutes.  This is where you get to experiment on how hard you like them.  I like the yokes runny, but not the whites, so I let the egg sit for a minute in the gentle rolling boil.  I guess that is where you ask for timed eggs.  I like one minute eggs, some like fifteen!  I guess a medium egg is a six minute egg.

how do you like your 'boiled' eggs?

epiphany

Once again I cried on the streetcar.  I was reading Comfortable With Uncertainty on my way home from acupuncture/ 

Have you ever realized something, and it just rocks you?  BAM. 

Enlightenment. 

now, I'm not saying I've got it all.  not by a long stretch!!  But Chapter 27: The Facts of Life:  Suffering made a lot of sense to me.

The third mark of existence is suffering, dissatisfaction.  (the fist two are Impermanence and Egolessness) To put it concisely, we suffer when we resist the noble and irrefutable truth of impermanence and death.  We suffer not because we are basically bad or deserve to be punished but because of three tragic misunderstandings.

...
(the first two talk about that we see what is impermanent as permanent, and that we are not separate from everything else...Impermanence and Egolessness...)

Third we look for happiness in all the wrong places.  The Buddha calls this habit  "mistaking suffering for happiness."  We become habituated to reaching for something to ease the edginess of the moment.  Thus we become less and less able to reside with even the most fleeting uneasiness or discomfort.  what begins as a slight shift of energy -- a minor tightening of the stomach, a vague indefinable feeling that something bad is about to happen  -- escalates into addiction.  This is our way of trying to make life predictable.  Because we mistake what always results in suffering to be what brings us happiness, we remain stuck in the repetitious habit of escalating our dissatisfaction. 

I'm not sure if I can articulate why this hit me so hard.   I don't see that I have a 'traditional' addiction.  I don't drink or smoke or do drugs.  I've always felt a little smug about that.  I never *judged* people for doing that, but I felt I am better.  I'm not.  My addiction *is* suffering.  I have unexplained stomach pain.  I can't seem to communicate with my husband long term.  We fight so we can make up.  I suffer with stomach issues so I can get patted on the head "poor baby".  I have anxiety attacks 'for no apparent reason'.  All so I can feel happy later.  

Shit.  Doesn't life have enough ups and downs and constant change (*impermanence*), that I don't have to create it to feel happy?

Yea.  Sometimes, I wish I wasn't on this  path.  Ignorance sometimes really does seem like bliss.

But.  opening another door.  feeling the fresh air come in.  Having the Oprah *AHA!* moment.  I'll take it.  I'll take it untill the next moment comes...oh.  here it is!  

Move along folks...We don't really have much time at all...but savour each moment...even the "bad".  Keep on keeping on.

blech

Yesterday I was thankful/happy for:

-Demo day, not thought involved but making sure you don't step on any nails
-rain day
-getting the laundry away
-seeing mommy
-praises of my pot roast from SD
-beef jerky success
-epiphany
-J
-being able to make dinner for family
-acupuncture
-acupuncture therapist who "borrows" my "tummy"
-mentos
-snuggles


*sigh*  It's not that it was a bad day...but not a lot happened and I'm struggling to find things to be thankful for.  I guess I'll just keep on keeping on.  More tonight.

1000 thanks and this weeks menu

So I didn't post for several days due to the head, and the habit is GONE. 
I'll try again tonight!


This weeks menu:

Sunday:  J took me out to dinner. 
Monday:  Crock pot roast.  With carrots, sweet potato, yellow potato, mushroons and shallots
Tuesday:  Leftovers!
Wednesday:  Local sausage (from the friendly butcher), and fiddle heads, potatoes and spinach
Thursday: Chips and dips (guacamole, hummus and home made black bean salsa)
Friday:  I'm on my own...so...???
Saturday:  Home made pizza with Pickle, J and MIL

Maybe I'll make a chicken Sunday.  MIL and Pickle will be here for the weekend.

blogger is back up! and so am I!

501-525 things that made me thankful/happy yesterday!

-no thunderstorm
-warm weather
-short day
-working with a friend who is mature, and not a bigot!
-afternoon delight
-talking to cardinals
-*seeing* the cardinals I was talking to!
-seeing how much has grown in a week. 
-looking forward to when Gayle's cherry tree puts out fruit (so yummy and tart!)
-feeling so content walking onto the ferry.
-spending 3 hours on the Islands
-photography
-The Sideshow Cafe
-coffee!
-feeding sparrows
-getting 'attacked' by mallards (who *also* wanted my pretzles and where bold enough to come right at me!)
-laying in a field in the sun
-learning about my camera
-taking myself out for sushi
-being mindful, and knowing even the good will pass, and enjoying my wonderful day to it's fullest extent
-laughing with strangers
-cold wind on the ferry home
-id-ing trees
-giant flock of seaguls
-staying up late and getting up late

uhhh...where was I??

I'm BACK.  feeling much better  now...my head no longer hurts!  YAY!

so where was in my 1000 thanks?
*flipflipflip*

so, this is the half way mark!

476-500 thanks!  (+!)

-SPRING IS HERE TO STAY (gods...by my saying that, I bet we're going to have a blizzard now...sorry)
-working with a friend
-fiddleheads!  Fist time eating them...they tasted green and yummy (esp. with the butter and garlic...)
-the surprise of another friend taking the same class as me!
-news that said friend is leaving his job to pursue his interests
-little white butterfly
-cold breeze (I LOVE breezes)
-new tv show,  Game of Thrones
-leftover home made curry. so yum!
-MAIL!  a piece of art, and a thank you card (and a cheque!)
-taking it easy
-getting work done
-chocolate for lunch
-donating $2
-holding the door open
-good talks at work
-Hugs from TRG
-Spicy sausage
-time to grocery shop
-having enough
-Hot baths
-leftovers for lunch again (leftovers are great!)
-more oranges
-kisses from J
-SPRING!  (that's how happy I am about it ok!)

"It's not a tooomah"

I don't know how long it will last, but I *still* have a headache, four days later, so I'm staying off the computer for a little while.  be back soon...with the rest of my thanks etc. soon I hope.  I think it's muscle tension in my shoulder/neck, paired with needing glasses.  *pout* 

and to quote Arnie again:
"ayel be back"

not happy, but thankful!

I've had a migraine for over a day now.  It started yesterday afternoon.  I can't think very well.  I'm going to go to bed and see if I can't sleep it off, I haven't even been up for 12 hours.

I'm thankful for:

-J and how well he cares for me
-wild leeks
-the library
-a sunny day
-brand new book never read from the library
-seeing the green grass in riverdale

450-475

today I am happy/thankful for:

-having the right to vote
-living in a riding where I get to vote directly for Jack Layton!
-rain morning
-over estimation in amount of work by boss
-weeding and being present
-the resiliance of plants
-rhododendron flowering
-getting to realize and feel what being compassionate is like
-boss in good mood
-finding out the lilacs where still there and being able to give them to P
-seeing how happy P was about the lilacs
-triple trampoline action
-the good feelings manifesting because I voted
-good talk (again) with North
-stolen kisses during work hours
-having a good conversation with co-worker
-the sun coming out to play
-finding out we have a very large job to start soon that will take us to the end of the season
-looking down a residential street and seeing a haze of green on the trees!
-getting together a care package
-sharing soup
-getting excited about photo exhibit
-having a dad who will publish a book of our exhibit!!

this weeks menu

Monday-Jamaican spinach soup and grilled cheese
Tuesday-same as Monday...going to meditation or hooping
Wednesday-Chicken with leeks and broccoli
Thursday-sausages and sweet potatos
Friday-Veg curry
Saturday-leftovers (maybe with added shrimp)
Sunday...i dunno!

426-450

25 things that made me happy/thankful today:

-up early
-filling my i-pod with amazing instrumental music by Saskia Rao-De Haas / Shubhendra Rao and The Starefires (oh, and CBC podcasts!)
-making a menu for the week
-going shopping at St/ Lawrence Market
-SUNNY DAY!
- leaning on the bus stop post, facing the sun, eyes closed listening to Saskia's cello
-amazing vibes in the market today
-smiling at strangers
-puppies riding in cars with their heads out the windows
*edit* I was SO tired, I couldn't finish, not for lack of good things...but for double vision!  here are the rest!
- new sunglasses (and work socks!)
-actually doing my task for the day!
-being invited to Psquared for the afternoon and dinner
-gluten free beer
-kali belly rubs
-building a veggie bed
-cips, chocolate and icecream
-seeing forbidden photos...(the ones that don't make in on facebook)
-finding out getting to Psquared is a lot faster than anticipated
-sharing music
-kimchee
-expired film
-finding out that the 120 fits in my OLD kodak camera...wonder if it actually works!?
-talking to J on the phone (he's away at his dads this weekend)
-lasagna gardening
-feeling energised