from status update to blog post.

I just posted this on Facebook:

well, more silver lining to my miscarriage... SO glad I am not 7 months pregnant in this heat. and I get to go to mOOseman 2012 of which I was sorrily disappointed not to be going to. And on that note, with my big mouth, we are able to start trying again in Sept. and would love your fertility prayers and vibes (OMG! isn't that this years Burning Man theme!!?? will someone do something for me, maybe a prayer in the temple???)

and in the comments:

also just realized Rizo was due Sept. 2. the day the man burns. will some one transcribe something on to the man for me too?? ok...I'll admit to being a burner now.

Big tears on that, but I hope someone will step up for me, because that extra little ritual, with all of those peoples (and a lot of friends) energies will help me immensely.  Whether or not it helps my get pregnant is another story! 

 But I believe in ritual.  I believe in crying and mourning (or rejoicing!) AND LETTING GO.  I believe our little ritual together helped up both let go.  I also believe that Sept. 2 will be a super hard day for me.  And that I'll need something to help lessen my grip even more.  Rizo will never be gone, but I can let him stay with out hurting me.  

 

Another point I sometimes think about is that Rizo was never viable.  Rizo was never going to be a human baby.  And maybe that makes it silly.  Or maybe I worry that *others* think it's silly.  I'm not articulating my point well, but I've decided it *isn't* silly to mourn a 'failed' pregnancy.

 

And on the burning man front.  I've denied to myself that I'm a 'burner', everyone assures me I am.  In taking this step, and asking my friends for help in my ritual *at* burning man I think I just came out of the closet.  One of those situations where everyone goes "I knew it all along!".

 We often have what we call  Orphan Burn, for those of us who are not at Burning Man, and last year Jason and I renewed our vows (the theme last year was rites of passage).  I can do some more personal healing then too.  

food and family

Today we had a party for my mom (she recently turned 60! oh...sorry mom, although you have been saying that 60 is the new 40...) and for Owen.  It's really nice seeing my family more that 3 times a year!!  This is the first time I've been around a baby since the miscarriage, and I was SO fine.  I got to hold him for a bit.  he's such a sweetie.  I didn't bring my camera, but I'm sure his grandpa will be posting photos soon!

I brought Miracle Pie and was glad everyone enjoyed it!  It's my new favourite treat.  Raw cashew cream pie.
Filling
1/3 cup water
1/2 cup coconut oil
1 cup raw cashew
sweetened to taste with agave syrup
add cocoa powder for chocolate and vanilla for...vanilla
Blend/food process until smooth

Crust
1 cup walnits
1 cup dates
blended to a constancy you like

pat down crust into pie plate (I used flat soup bowls!)
pour/glop filling in
refrigerate.
My friend Pwylla also added a layer of blueberries on the bottom and raspberries on the top, I used mango instead of rasp.


I told my Uncle Art (aka Owen's grandpa) that it is vegan, gluten and sugar free.  He made a face, and I forced him to eat it anyway.  He told me it was good!  next time I only tell the people who need to know that it's 'healthy'.

Next party is up in Peterborough at Mommy's and Cousin Sean's new house.  (separate houses!)
Sean has a pool.  huzzah!!

a couple neat things...

My manager recently changed the store hours from 5:30 am - 10pm to 5am -10 pm.  a hald=f hour doesn't *seem* like much, but when it  means getting up at 3:30 am it does!  I generally walk to work, and 4:30 am is even quieter than I anticipated, compared to 5 am that is. 

The birds sing me to work though!  and the bats are still out!  I've seen several raccoon families too.  the solitude is nice, and I always wonder at the 2-3 people I see.  Are they on their way to work to?  or are they on their way home?  Maybe the man smoking at the cafe patio on the corner just couldn't sleep.  The gnats or whatever wee flying bugs are, fly in really neat loops around the lamp posts.

I like 4:30 am.

just a quick note on the best smothie evar.

Strawberry almond smoothie:
(I use a magic bullet...)

half a large banana
2 more fresh Ontario strawberries than you think you need (ie. put some in, then add 2 more)
2 glops of almond butter
the same amount of yoghurt
tblsp. coconut oil
top with orange juice.

I thought of adding the last of my spinach.  Next time.

Also, although I am a huge fan of making my own almond butter, when it is cheaper by the Lb. than buying almonds...um...buy the almond butter!!  (Chunkey was almost half the price as smooth!  WHA???)

getting healthy (again...more?)

So it's been almost 3 weeks on paleo.  I know I need to eat more.  I don't want to starve myself!  so more veggies at every meal!  UGH.  I'm not a big veg fan.  I did re discover I like raw peas yesterday.  I'm going to try chard again.  And there is a purple cabbage in the fridge. 

I did have a customer comment on my mood and weight loss.  It was part embarrassing and part confirming.  Did I talk about PMS in the last post?   ZILCH.  I think two more cycles will confirm if it was a fluke or because of the diet.

My sister (the holistic nutritionist) was talking about sugar and inflammation, and how carbs and starch turn into sugar that triggers inflammation, and since that is my main issue, I'm pleased that I am doing this.  I still have pain sometimes, but it's much less. 

I did a detox yoga today, and will *try* to do it a few times a week to help with getting rid of the crud in my body.

I again started 100 pushups and 200 'situps'.  I am SO weak.  I could barely do one knee push up.  I'll be keeping a log here to keep track.  Maybe on a different page. 

So, back at it.  And back at the chore list!  sheesh.  I'm so bad at keeping on track.  BUT  I *think* this diet is beginning to help with motivation...but part of it is habit, so we'll see.

a kitchen sink post

1.  It's been 2 weeks eating (mosly) paleo.  I've had a few cheats, but I've done really really well I think.
Some things I've noticed so far:  I have not crashed!  As in, when I get hungry, I feel hungry, my tummy rumbles some, but I don't feel faint or shaky.  I don't have to EAT RIGHT NOW.  I know this because I was involved in the Toronto Festival of Clowns this weekend and didn't eat regularly.  (more on that in a moment!)  I have to be more organised with food, but that is coming along.  There is *nothing* in a corner store that I can eat.  No, wait, nuts.  I can buy nuts or sunflower seeds.  I haven't gone to a restaurant yet, so I don't know what that will be like.  I'm sure it will be along the lines of  "Can I get extra salad/veggies in place of the potatoes?"
I *think* my moods have been more stable, but this weekend was a crappy sleeping weekend, late nights, not being able to sleep in, so I'm a wee bit grumpy.  I also just got my period, so there was some pms, *but* looking back to the last week, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, and I didn't get cramps.  Day one is *always* crampy.  AND there was very little food cravings, and when I have eaten chocolate, it was just kinda ok.  My stomach pain was worse than ever, but it seems to have calmed down some.  I'm giving myself a month to see how things progress.  Or, let's say, to the end of June. 

2.  CLOWNS!  I just spent the weekend with a bunch of clowns and it was rad.  It's fun to dance (to a DJ) with fellow clowns (in or out of nose) because they have NO inhibitions!  SO FUN.  It was nice to see a few people who I met last year, and just to be in the same place more with friends.  I was up late and slept little, but it was worth it.

3. There is someone I don't like.  This is an awkward thing to write on a public blog, because although you may speak to friends 'in private', you don't announce to a whole room that "HEY!  there is someone I don't like...and well, since I'm announcing it to *everyone* I won't tell you who it is!".  Regardless, I'm going to continue on and assure you it's is not you (I think...).  I find not liking this person (X) frustrating, not just because they annoy the heck out of me, but because in general they are a caring, nice, generous person.  I want to yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" when X talks.  So it's all me.  So what the HELL can I do about it?  I don't know, because X is part of the community, and as much as I try to distance myself from them, X seems to *always* be there.  I feel sad for myself.  I know that I'm not going to like everyone I come in contact with, but the absolute RAGE I feel when X is around astounds me.

4.  J got a job!  yay!  he started today with an orientation.  I've been working 2 jobs, and am in a bit of a conundrum as to whether I will keep them both.  I don't really want to.  I'm feeling pretty drained, but we still need to bring our savings back.  I figure I'll stay with the gardening until the end of the season (Oct.) and pack away the $.