just a MOMENT(s)

I have 3...I've missed so many weeks!  Happy Holidays!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

OWWWCH

So.  this is a bit of a TMI post...if you don't want to hear about sore breasts and the like, then don't bother continuing.

I'm going to say this 'out loud',  because as you know...I can't keep things quiet.  I seem to need to talk things out, and you dear reader(s?) don't talk back, or at least, not while I'm mid sentence.  And if it doesn't turn out to be true, I'll know pretty quick!

I'm seriously thinking I'm pregnant.    These past few months, every time I've said it, I get my period, so that's why I'm saying it...

But here is why, this month, I think I am.

I didn't spot this month.  I always do.  Very light, and un-worriesome, but always.
I have a lot fewer zits.  I always break out right before my period.  Not this month.
My breasts are SO sore.  I'm not even *doing* anything (ie, yoga, lying on my stomach, hugging someone) and they HURT.  I think they're kinda bigger too... now, I often get sore breasts, but usually during ovulation.
My lower back hurts.  I have been going to the Y and doing yoga/swimming/tai chi/rowing, so the extra exercise might be part of it, but it is listed as an early symptom.
I'm nauseous.  I'm not throwing up, not close...but there is a mild, more in the morning, queezyness.  I was attributing this to my chrismasitis and anxiety... 
I'm SO tired.  
Moo-dy.  I'm surprising even myself!  I cry over the smallest things, and I'm cranky and irritable.  If I am pregnant, it's a wonder Jason doesn't leave!  Poor partners.  or, it could just be PMS...

I'm finding it very frustrating that pregnancy and PMS symptoms are very similar!

I'm only3 or 4 days late...and, like, 4/5ths of those could be PMS too.  I'm feeling oddly crampy, but that might be too much cheese!  It's just wishful thinking I'm sure.  I just wish my breasts would stop hurting.

*edit*  certain food smells are making me feel quite ill too *groan*

urrgg...

I have christmasitis. 
Symptoms include, but are not limited to: grinch and scrooge like noises muttered, general malaise, the fervent wish that one was a bear and could get fat and hibernate until spring, headaches, anxiety attacks and grimacing every time one hears a Christmas carol. 

This disease seems to be genetic.  Both my parents seem to become symptomatic this time of year too. 

The cure:  Rescue Remedy, Tai chi, yoga, wearing purple flowers in your hair, enjoying when people around you are enjoying themselves, smiling, and giving (of yourself, not expensive gifts, or because it's obligatory).  In addition, take advantage of all the chocolate.

I like the chance to spend more time with (most) family.  I like *giving* presents, and ahem, getting (well thought out, not soap and candles) presents too.  I love that fact it's solstice and THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER!

A lot of my Christmas cards said something along the lines of "We hope your Holidays are filled with Joy and Grace" 

My Grandpa was surprised with the word, but ultimately liked it.  I used the work grace because if we can go through this disruptive and chaotic time with gracefully, all will be well. 

grace  (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4.

a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who dispense charm and beauty.

8.

a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

c. An excellence or power granted by God.

9. A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or after a meal.

10. Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

11. Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

tr.v. graced, grac·ing, grac·es

1. To honor or favor: You grace our table with your presence.

2. To give beauty, elegance, or charm to.

3. Music To embellish with grace notes.

OMG! only a week left! or, how I get though.

My getting though the holidays is different than yours, that is different from theirs.  My troubles come from not having organised enough time for making.

I have a rule.  no making in the afternoon of Christmas Eve., or the afternoon before what ever day I need gifts by.  This year I have a little extra grace period because My sister and her girlfriend are in Mexico over Christmas, so neither my mom or dad are celebrating with out them.  that really only gives me like 2 extra days though HA.

Anyway.  No more making at one am, Christmas day.  I try and stagger my making so everyone has at the very least one thing made for them.

Also, Rescue Remedy.  it works, use it.

My friend Lannis also wrote a blog post about holiday stress over on The Mrs. page.  Go check it out for her tip. 

And Soule Mama also talks about her lists and things to make, on similar lines to my giftmas philosophy.

My friend Khat made the decision 12 years ago so not 'do' Christmas any more.  She buys one present for her children.  She has made traditions with them.  They bake, and they celebrate the solstice, and they fill their house with friends.  Who can get stressed over *that!*?

I'm off to St Lawrence Market to go by the one. last. thing. I am getting for making.  Some beeswax for candles.  Then on to more making.  I have *one* gift done, one out of...many.

eeeeeeeeppppp!

Only 10 days left to giftmas.  I'm trying to use my time wisely and MAKE MAKE MAKE.  I haven't been taking many photos either. 
I've finished the small amount of shopping I have to do (with a couple exceptions of finishings for making), so *that's* good. 
I'm going to crunch though as much making as I can this weekend.  (with a little dancing slid in there!)
Ugh.  Merry Christmas?  It's *raining*  I'm not feeling very festive. 

december views

I has a sad. or my first world problems.

here comes my 1/4 life crisis.  or, a wave of depression...or you know, I was just laying in bed thinking.

I'm 32.  I don't have a job.  OK, wait.  I have a job.  Maybe.  In the spring.  But it's a job I don't want.  Partly because I'm not enjoying it any more, part because the stone work is to physically hard, and *that's* what I enjoy doing.  But I'm not going to wreck my body and injure myself.  Part because my boss went off the deep end last season and has odd expectations off me and has no patience for when I don't meet them.

I had not planned on going back in April. 

I also planned on getting pregnant so I didn't *have* to go back.  But *that* so far has been a bust.  *sigh*

I had what I thought was a great job.  I was managing a cafe.  I was organising, and getting things done, I was enjoying customer relations (something I've grown into apparently).  and one day, I got fired.  *BAM*  out of nowhere.  apparently, I was...not meeting their expectations.  Now, I know you read this in the paragraph before.  I've been beating myself up over this.  The cafe job, there was zero communication.  You say 'manager/supervisor', I do a job I think is what a 'manager/supervisor' does.  They didn't give me a job description, so I was winging it.  I'm more sad than anything over the situation.  I mean, I'm angry too, but I'm not frothing.

So, I have no job.  I can't get a gardening job over the winter.  And really, I don't want to,because I don't want to lead on a potential long term employer if I'm going to get pregnant.  Does that make *any* sense?  I guess I'm looking at other jobs that have high turn over, like Starbucks, to work.  then, I get the old brain thinking, "crappit.  I'm 32.  and I want to go work at *Starbucks!?*".  I feel ashamed because I didn't get any ducks in a line earlier.  I feel embarrassed too.  Is there something wrong with me? 

I keep thinking of my friend Sadie, who started a Hoop empire.  She's a biophysicist for heavens sake, and she followed her heart, and started hooping, something she *loves*.  I keep racking my brain.  what can I do?  what do I love?  and I get zip. 

Photography. 
I'm doing it.  I have a photo blog, I'm taking classes, I've got a book (YES!  A BOOK!) coming out, with a show attached to that...and then?  I've talked about Vivienne before.  She's another who has taken a passion and made it shine.  Do I have the chops for something like that?  In photography?  I think the best thing for me to do here is keep learning and keep walking this path.  I love it so.  But the way is not clear.

Horticulture.
I'm not sure I have the talent for it.  I'd like to keep working on it.  There was one point I wanted to do 'horticulture therapy', helping the elderly and disabled to garden more easily.  I'll keep that in mind too. 

But I guess what it comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself, and a little scared because Jason's back is not great, and I'm so scared that he won't be able to work, and there is no way we can survive on Starbucks wage.

december views a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A quickie

A quick little post to say
1.  the laptop is being repaired, so I have a lot less computer time since we're sharing again. 
2.  I joined the YMCA and am EXERCISING!  that is taking some time away too.  But boy does it make me feel good.
and
3.  I got fired.  I'm done talking about it.  It was on the sketchy side, I can't do anything about it because I wasn't there for 3 months.  I feel sad for the people involved (including my self)  but I'm not overly angry, and I'm not overly upset.  It just SUPER sucks to have to look for a job again.

I'll be back again once my laptop is back.  I'm still here!

art

december veiws

 

December views

Right now I'm not feeling there is much I want to say.  I've been feeling frusterated and pressured to write, so I ignore it.  I want to continue this blog!  pressure doesn't help.  SO, I found out about a blogger who started "December Views".  I'm going to attempt a photo every day in December to take the pressure off me writing. 

who knows, now maybe I'll write more.  I don't work well under pressure.  It makes me want to do the opposite!  Since I'm taking a lot more photos lately with Light Hunting, this shouldn't be a stretch.

here is my first December 'view':

Heh

Not much to say these days.  Not crafting, or cooking.  Just working and sleeping it seems.  I am trying to take photos.  If you read Becca Photographs you'll know I'm taking another Vivienne McMaster course, Getting Through the Grey.  This is the first unofficial week (she started a week early).  Looks like it's going to be good for, well, getting though the grey.  Keep checking Becca Photographs in the next 3 months for shots full of light.  I hope it helps you get though the grey too.