house wife

I have never been a good hausfrau.  But I'm learning now!

I actually feel very accomplished because I'm doing the dishes every day.  Maybe it's because the rest of the house is in shambles that it doesn't matter.
and I do laundry.  But it never *all* gets put away.


I am however amazed at how quick a daily kitchen clean up can be.  Maybe 20 minutes.

I have a goal of picking up each evening.  Hasn't happened yet.  I keep forgetting.

Jason and I figure there is no point going back to work before Ziggy is in school full time.  Child care is too expensive.  I'm going to try to continue gardening at the church like I did this year.  There is a big lawn, and a few beds.  20 hours a month is the average I did this season.  I should be able to work around J's work schedule, or just wear Ziggy on my back while I weed.

I never really wanted to go back to work right away.  Now I have some time to think about what I want to do once I get to Peterborough in a few years.

17w 3d

That's 4 months to you!

I've been *terrible* at photos.  I'll take one today though.  I took one at about 3 months.  The comparison will be nice!


Nothing much has changed.

I have indeed got a little motivation back.  Still tired, but more motivated to get things done. 
That might have something to do with the the fact that I lost my job.  Long story short, I was not doing my job well.  I was finding being nice, and productive while pregnant really hard, apparently.

I say apparently because I can sometimes be clueless.  I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I have trouble seeing how my actions effect others (and then therefore, myself).  I was blindsided.  I don't think it was handled well, and I'm perusing action.  I don't expect much to come from it.  I can't imagine, other than 2 weeks termination pay, I'll get anything from it.  But I intend to rock the boat, just enough, for a couple higher ups to wonder what is going on.

So that has me just a little stressed out.  I trust we will be fine.  And even in my 'weak' moments of worry, I still believe it.


But back to Ziggy!  The exciting blessing of my life (uh oh, am I sounding like a sappy parent already!?)

I have been feeling movement, very randomly, since about 12 weeks.  At first it just feels like a whisper. 

But for the last 3 nights I've been feeling Pokes.  And last night I put my hand on my lower stomach and felt Ziggy poke my hand.  I had a giggling fit (with some tears) and debated waking J, but he had to get up at 5:30am, and it was already midnight.  Ironically (or whatever) I couldn't fall back to sleep and got up at 6:30. 

Thank goodness for naps (and not having to work so I can nap?)

more posting?

Yesterdays Facebook update:

"Some upsetting news, I just got canned. 

I've been struggling at work, keeping up with Starbucks customer service standards. Getting defensive, and according to complaints, rude. My Store Manager is understanding, and we have been working on it, but most people don't go to her (she's new), they go directly to the District Manager. And I guess part of the DM's job is to get rid of people who are making customers unhappy. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but these hormones are getting the better of me. My behaviour is inexcusable, but understandable?? (esp. in the entitled ass beaches?)"

So many mixed emotions.  I was very unhappy, and I'm glad I don't have to go back.  But...MONEY!?

I have enough hours for maternity/parental leave.  

My first thought was to go get even a part time job to cover some expenses.  The problem with that, is it would be *those* hours that I get for mat leave.  Not a lot!

So, my next thought was E.I.  The DM gave me what she considered a so very generous offer.  I could take the rest of the week suspended with pay, and then quit, or 'come back' and have a meeting, where, in all reality, I would get fired (not laid off, misconduct fired).  

I've decided to 'quit'.  ('Cause God knows, if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be at a new job by now!)

There are 2 routes that I could take re. E.I..
I can claim I had just cause for quitting.  (pregnancy stress?  forced to quit?)
Or I can try and get my doctor to sign off on sick leave (stress being the reason)

If those don't pan out?  I hope I can find a full time job for 4-5 months.


I have faith it will all work out.

woooo boy!

I'm not very good at this blogging thing am I

I officially got a shift supervisor position.

In the Beaches.


Today was my last day at my current store.  I took 5 days off to volunteer at Toronto Clown Festival.  I'm glad I'll get a break between stores.


I have to say though.  I'm less than thrilled. 
The beaches is FAR.  And well, the beach people, they have a bit of a snobby reputation.  I'll also have to work the Jazz fest.  FML.  I thought I got away from street festivals!  *whhhaaaa*  Maybe I'll get to open those three days...

I want to be in a positive frame of mind.  I'm having trouble right now.  This has been a particularly odd month.  Maybe soon I'll be back to my happy, cynical self!!

THE LAWN OF DOOOOOM

I took on being the grounds keeper for my dad and step-moms church.  Extra baby funds for when that happens.

They have a pretty big lawn.  And it is a maniac.  I took too long to mow it the first time...it was over a foot long in some spots.  In my defence, a week before, it had hardly started growing.

So I spent 7 hours.  YES.  7 hours (split by 3 days) cutting that damn lawn, literally inch by inch because the mower isn't powerful enough to take more than that when the grass is 6-13 inched long. 

I didn't learn my lesson the first time.  I got an e-mail from my step mom a week after I finished cutting (it was frappy week.  Ain't  nobody got time for that shit) asking when I was going to cut the lawn again.

I *had* planned on cutting it on Sunday.  Then it HAILED!  so a week and a half after I finished, (so like, 2 weeks after I started) it's back to being a foot high.  The mower is battery operated, so with how long it is, I can only cut for about an hour and a half each time! 

It will calm down some soon (omg I hope) so I can actually do some other gardening.  Like making it look pretty!

chipping away at my ego

Last I left you I had one interview, had been coached and had gotten my period.  And felt like crap.


I had a second interview on Sunday with the SM(see below for that these short forms mean) whose store I was being transferred to.  I practised my buzz words and jargon and BS in the shower, while making food, while tying my shoes.

I do the interview.  I kept seeing his eyes light up.  I was saying the right things.  In the right way.  And when he had a concern, he clarified.  It was brilliant.  *I* was brilliant.  Brilliant enough that in the 15 minutes it took me to get to work to start my shift, he had already spoken to my own SM to say how well it went.  She was beaming.

This was my FB status update on Sunday:

"so. apparently the other manager I interviewed with was on crack. (according my now manager, my words though, not hers) I aced this one. unless the DM thinks *I'm* on crack I've got the position. onward and upward and learning how to talk like a corporate douchebag."


Well.  I didn't even get as far as an interview with the DM.  

Yesterday, Monday, I start work at 10am.  My SM is visibly rattled.  Everyone is talking about how upsetting the DM can be.
Fast forward to 1:30, when I take my lunch.  
My SM tells me what happened.
Turns out, my first interview, the one that didn't go well, counts.   The DM has decided that my second interview, the really good one, doesn't, because I shouldn't have done it at all.  
She also said that The SM who wants to take me is just desperate and wants someone ASAP.
Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

My SM fought for me all morning.  
The DM called her a bully.  A BULLY. *sigh*

Now they are holding me back for a month so I can become more 'results oriented'.
The good thing is I get to stay at my new sore, with my awesome manager who fights for me.

My old SM did not.  That is why/how I got passed over for SS in the first place.  My old SM didn't stand up for me.

What was interesting was my reaction.  I kinda chuckled and said I didn't expect anything less.  It would have been great to have been promoted but I've been derailed so many times, maybe it just wasn't right.  Again.  

Maybe I say this just so I don't go mad, but 'things happen for a reason'.  I don't really care to know that reason.  Maybe I will save someones life.  Maybe someone will meet someone and they will have a baby and they will cure cancer.  Or, maybe I needed to make someone smile, so they can make someone smile.  Regardless.  It makes me feel better, and doesn't hurt anyone.

All this was fresh in my mind last night during Clown Jam.  We had a guest teacher who studied with Gaulier.  A master clown/performer/teacher who, in short, breaks you down to a raw nubbin.  Once there you are built back up.  It sounds harsh and terrible (and I'm sure it is!) but John explained it very well.  Better than I've heard it before.  I had a light bulb moment regarding my own clown performance.  And then we spoke about chipping away at the ego.  That raw nubbin, that is you, with no ego.  

I can take this Starbucks experience and become hardened and bitter.  Or I can allow it to make me into an egoless raw nubbin.  A smart, savvy, happy, unjaded raw nubbin.  


I *know* this isn't personal.  I know that because the DM doesn't know who I am.  Sure we've met.  But she's not my friend, or even colleague.

All I can do is take the sand blasting as a lesson.  And rise above. 


Also.  I be human.  I'm still cheesed.




DM- district manager, SM- Store manager, SS- Shift supervisor.

a couple neat things...

My manager recently changed the store hours from 5:30 am - 10pm to 5am -10 pm.  a hald=f hour doesn't *seem* like much, but when it  means getting up at 3:30 am it does!  I generally walk to work, and 4:30 am is even quieter than I anticipated, compared to 5 am that is. 

The birds sing me to work though!  and the bats are still out!  I've seen several raccoon families too.  the solitude is nice, and I always wonder at the 2-3 people I see.  Are they on their way to work to?  or are they on their way home?  Maybe the man smoking at the cafe patio on the corner just couldn't sleep.  The gnats or whatever wee flying bugs are, fly in really neat loops around the lamp posts.

I like 4:30 am.

things

Sitting here with an empty screen.  I don't really have much to say these days it seems.
We're keepin' on.  No news is good news.

I'm looking for a new job.  One that doesn't break my back.  I'm planning on working all winter, and not going back to the same gardening job in the spring.  Doing the math, I need to work all winter to get maternity when and if I get pregnant.  I kinda feel like I'm jumping the gun here, but I need to have enough hours (600) to qualify for maternity.  I have to double check, but I don't think I can go on regular EI and then go right on Mat.  (To clarify, I am a seasonal worker, so I get laid off each winter, and get re-hired in the spring)  I suppose I should go talk to someone in regards to that.  The wording is terrifically obscure.

On another note, I helped out/performed this past Saturday for Nuit Blanche, "Vaudville Hotel" 12 hour cabaret featuring burlesque and other vaudeville acts.  Including Edith Checkerspot!  NSFW!!!  Find me (uh, Edith) 'stage kittening' for the first 3 hours and the hoop act at 2:55! (click "Vaudeville Hotel" for the 3 part, 12 hour video!)  I love Edith SO much!

contemplating

I seem to be making headway with my counselling.  Lot's of *aha!* moments.  (Thanks Oprah, for that)  I've been having trouble with my boss.  He's been really negative lately.  Negative and forgetful.  He'll tell us one thing, and decided to do it another way and forget to tell us, and get angry when we didn't do it "right".  He's been on me a lot about "paying attention" and how things are "just common sense".  He tells me "well, I wouldn't have done it this way" when he doesn't give me detailed instruction.

I'm terrible at communicating, esp. in person.  I get scared that 1. I will hurt the other person, or 2. I'm way off base.  I grew up not being able to ask questions (of my dad).  He always wanted us to figure it out.  So I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.  I've had people ask me how I knew such and such...I just shrug and say "I just figured it out".  That works well in my job, not being given detailed instruction.  Except for the fact that I "should have known better"  or one of the above statements.  I have told Boss that I'm so new at this.  this is only me second season...EVER gardening.  Not just with him.  EVER.

So I just nod, and say "ok" and try to do better next time.  And I hold my breath when walking up to the shop every morning because I'm afraid of what he is going to say. 

I wish I could hate him.  I wish he was an asshole, but he's NOT.  I just happen to disapoint him on a weekly basis.

One thing my councillor asked me was if it was true.  Am I doing a poor job?  Am I messing tings up and ruining his business?  A resounding NO.  I'm doing the best job I know how. 

So, Back to communication.  I CAN'T DO IT.  If you know me in person, you may have noticed I don't ask questions of my friends.  I'm pretty quiet in conversations.  I just generally don't know what to say, out of fear. 

So in regards to Boss, it was suggested, that because I fear hurting him, and adding the last straw to his stressful home situation, I use positive reinforcement.  I was all like *duh*.  that's what I'm asking for, why shouldn't I lead by example?  So, when by chance he gives me detailed instruction, I can say "Hey Boss, thanks!  it really helps me feel more confident when you go step by step like that", rather than go right out and say "Boss, the way you do things doesn't work, I need you to tell me things step by step".

I'm hoping to incorporate this into my daily life with J.  And Pickle, and friends too.  So if you find me all of a sudden saying something like "hey friend, I appreciate it a lot when you call, it feels nice"  don't be all weirded out...I'm just trying to communicate!

hoyo!

that was a busy weekend!
Pardon the no posts.

I'm struggling at work. 
Struggling to be in the moment and accept what is...partly because I DON"'T KNOW WHAT IS.
well, what is going on in my bosses brain.  Apparently I  have *way* more responsibility than I gave myself credit for.  And I got ragged on for it today.  and I cried.  Part of me felt like I knew this was coming.  Like I knew I wasn't doing a good enough job. 
I've never had to be this responsible before.  Responsible for other peoples actions. 
It doesn't help when people don't listen.  Or don't do what I ask...I don't know if they are listening or not. 
How do I be a good...supervisor?  How do I have people do what needs to be done without sounding like a bitch. 
I guess first is leading by example and not complaining anymore. 
I tend to act kinda flippant and uncaring so I *don't* seem like a bitch...but that seems to lead people into thinking I don't care, so then they don't care. 
And my boss seems to do things backwards, and we're all getting really tired of it.

I'm trying to live "loving-kindness".  I keep forgetting.

Plan of attack

I start back to work in a week and 2 days.  This after being off for 6 months.  I have NO idea if I will ever update this blog again! 

I *do* have a plan of attack regarding my week days.  There are several things I want to be doing in the mornings, before I have to be at work at 7:30.
1.  Oil pulling.  That takes 20 minutes
2.  Drinking 3 cups of hot water to help keep my digestive system happy. 
3.  Morning pages.  I haven't started this yet...not sure how long it will take!
4. eat!  and that means *make* breakfast.
5.  yoga/exercise.  My knees and shoulders have been bugging me.  I need to strengthen them.
6.  meditate

Then I have to get dressed and go!
My plan is to make lunch the night before.

When I come home in the evening I used to just shower make dinner and slump.  that needs to change too.

I want to add tidying the living room and kitchen to my evenings so they don't get out of hand.  J had been doing the kitchen when he was off work because of his back, but I took over when he was back at school and I was off.  I might be able to convince him to take the kitchen over again (I hope I hope)  But the point is to keep things tidy so it's not such a pain on the weekends.

My time line:

5:30 am-6:30 am:
Oil pull and drink water.  while I'm doing that I do my morning pages and make breakfast. 
I eat breakfast.
6:30-6:45- meditate
6:45-7:15 - exercise

get dressed and GO.

Work 7:30-5:30(ish)

20 minutes - shower (where you wondering when I was going to bathe?  I shower after work)
One hour- make dinner
20 minutes-30 minutes- Eat.  at the table, no t.v.  (HA!  this is a challenge.  J likes to eat with the tv on.  I want to get into the habit of no tv for when we have kids)
Relax until 8 pm  some days that might be short, some days longer.
8pm-9pm tidy, make lunches, get clothes ready for next day.

Now, I have 2 days I won't be home in the evenings.  Tuesdays is a meditation night, and hooping.  I plan on alternating.  Thursdays is circus conditioning.  Both those nights I won't get home until after my bed time (9:30).  I guess I will make lunch and put out clothes in the 'relax' spot. 

I plan on starting this tomorrow.  (yes!  on a SUNDAY)  Jason get's up at 5:30 right now for clinic duty.  That means I have from 7:30-5:30 all week to get everything done I want to get done that I had *planned* on getting done in the last 6 months.  HA!  I'll take those tasks 25 minutes at a time.