Saturday, April 30, 2011

Baking and laundry on Saturday

So I did my weekly house work list...and Saturday is laundry (that I'm doing with my soap berries!!) and baking.

Today I made granola bars.



Half the batch is oats, and the other half chopped raw almonds, sesame seeds, unsweetened, shredded coconut, raw pumpkin seeds, raw sunflower seeds, chopped 99% cocoa bits (we just happened to have some...next time it will be cocoa nibs!), ground flax seeds, about a cup of maple syrup, a drizzle of oil, a large spoosh of juice, and an egg.

Mixed all together, and baked at 360o oh...for like maybe a half hour?  I took it out when it was brown.  Check when you can start to smell it.  I tend to bake by smell rather than time...yeeeaaa.


OH!  I haven't told  you about my soap nut/berries yet!  I LOVE THEM.  I made liquid from them (follow the directions on the web site.) and used them in the laundry.  love love love.  I didn't use the berries directly because my bag didn't come with a little muslin bag.  The usually do, but I think someone stole it in the store.
My clothes are CLEAN.  and they smell clean.  DO NOT be fooled by the rank smell if you make them into a liquid!  it does not stay on the clothes AT ALL.  the clothes smell really really clean.  We used the liquid in the dish washer too.  They work just fine as well!  SO happy.

*edit*
I just took my muddy work clothes out of the dryer.  Other than a couple stains from before I switched...you wouldn't know they are work clothes.  Seriously impressed.

401-425

it amazes me how amazingly bad one day can be, and how amazingly awesome the next is.

today I am happy/thankful for:

-beautiful sunrise
-a marriage (I didn't watch the Royal wedding, but 2 people getting married is always a nice thing to be happy about)
-remembering to be present in the face to a co-worker
-remembering to accept the feelings as they come
-remembering *it's Friday!*
-standing a foot away from a preening chickadee
-solitude to work hard
-leftovers for lunch
-interesting conversation
-can I say organic oranges AGAIN
-once again, ending the day as it starts to rain
-phone call from Jrock with invitation to see a sitar and cello concert
-being blasted though and through by the cello...I cried
-remembering that this too shall pass, and just being in the moment during the concert
-finally officially MEETING Khat after hearing all the wonderful things about her!
-chatting with Khat and Jrock before the concert
-sushi!
-brown rice green tea
-quick ride home
-getting some photo editing done
-baby at the restaurant
-sleeping boy at the concert
-dressing nice
-being able to but the CD so I can listen to the beautiful music any time
-cowboy boots

Friday, April 29, 2011

Just a moment...

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

 More from the week at my photography blog!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

376-400

25 things that made me happy/thankful today:

-pretty sunrise
-not rushing
-shower
-multi tasking
-quick mainteneance
-short day
-seeing all the changed from last week
-hosta leaves unfuling
-strong boys
-crazy fast clouds
-sunny breaks
-warm bath
-clean pjs
-beef stirfry
-no name onion rings
-a husband who lurves me
-organic produce
-that ass isn't in spell check (ok, that niether makes me thankful or happy persay...but it makes me giggle)
-movies that make me cry
-good 'n' plentys
-it's almost the weekend
-warmer days
-the internets
-bumble bees
-stinky cheese

is it weird that a lot of my thanks goes to food??

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

is it bad?

I'm not even going to bother to try for 25 today.
I'm having a tough time being present, so I'm missing things...
here are a few things I'm thankful for today:

-getting up late
-neat fog
-the truck packed when I got to work
-not getting rained on
-sub for lunch
-complement on planing
-doggy hugs
-dinner made
-good chat with North
-phone call and good chat with sweet P

yeeaa
that's alls I got today.

here comes the second half of my blog title. *sigh*

If someone says 'brunch', you guess that brunch will start around:

10am
11:30
1:30ish (heavy on the ish)

even (especially) on a Sunday.


If I say, 'You are invited for dinner.  Dinner is around 6'
(you accept and) you show up at:

5:00
6:00
8:00


This rant is brought to you by the letters...wait...never mind.  That would be RUDE.

I'm not much of a party-er.  I generally opt for dinner parties or brunch.  Last time I had people over, I vowed not to bother anymore.  It always seems to be a bother to people to show up on time.  Even when my expectations are low.  I stopped getting things ready early, and just putter around.  I *still* end up waiting.  It's SO disheartening.

Don't we have any concept of etiquette anymore?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

351-375

I did *nothing* today...
but here I go!

-getting up early and going back to bed
-waking up with J (we like that)
-laying in bed letting the mind go
-rain day
-catching up on editing photos
-being really pleased with them
-getting to re live the night
-chocolate for breakfast
-having J tell me not to worry about doing anything...take it as a rain day
-making black bean porridge
-Birds singing during the breaks in rain
-House
-MORE X-files
-feeling ok about a lazy day
-feeling good about how well my *very* soiled work pants got clean with the soap berries
-chocolate for lunch
-getting excited for hooping out side
-finding communication exercise that sounds like it will work
-yoga pants all day
-cbc radio
-kd Lang
-facebook (yes, really)
-contemplating selling photographs
-reading over all my thanks
-kisses and squeezes from J


what is this?

Monday, April 25, 2011

My week of household chores

So, I had written about Ma's weekly house work list

Here is mine:

Dust on Monday
Floors on Tuesday
De-clutter on Wednesday
Mend on Thursday
Bedroom on Friday
Baking and Laundry on Saturday
Rest on Sunday

Jason does the kitchen and washroom, so if I'm doing the rest once a week thing, we should have a clean house!

lets see how long this one lasts!

326-350

lets have another go at 326-350!

thanks I'm thankful/happy for on the cold wet Monday!

-Sunny warm morning
-working though and accepting anxiety attack
-getting to work on time
-singing birds
-lazy moring chatting and napping in the truck
-cold corn pudding
-organic oranges
-seeing a mourning dove couple and BABY
-seeing a mourning dove couple making a nest
-cardinal couple
-robins (couple?)
-happy dog
-wheel barrowing (I like it!)
-joking with the boys
-remebering other happy moments this weekend
-mutiny!
-back handed complement
-seeing mommy
-sushi dinner
-knowing 90% that I don't work tomorrow, and that a long day today kinda makes up for it
-getting the scoop from mommy
-red bean icecream
-leftovers mean fried rice for dinner tomorrw
-the show "shit my dad says"  (so bad, so good)
-No 'poo!  I love my hair!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

326-350

with the In-laws today...lets see what I've got!

-used soap berry liquid for the first time
-really happy with the result of soap berries!
-wearing a new t-shirt
-fun traveling with Jason
-quick trip up, despite that it is a holiday!
-being complimented by MIL for the amazing vacuuming job I did (WTF...I almost fell over)
-scalloped potatoes
(I'm finding this hard.  My in-laws are a little bigoted, and it's all I can do to not rock the boat or walk out)
-My SIL Deb and BIL Art
-Psychedelic Sunday
-putting laundry away with Jason

ok.  today didn't suck TOO badly.  but I can't think of 25 things!  Yuck. 

301-325

Family Easter went longer than expected!  I didn't even turn on the computer last night. 
Here are Saturdays things that make me thankful/happy:

-St. Lawrence Market
-the weather report saying it is going to be 18oC
-expensive stinky cheese
-Peameal bacon on a kaiser rol
-cello busker
-super friendly George from the organic food stand at the north market
-AMBER (dark) maple syrup
-watching a mom and her two sons
-helping out
-chatting on the streetcar
-COWBOY BOOTS for $15
-a few new shirts
-noticing more
-having a metropass
-being too hot out side in all my layers
-wearing a skirt
-wearing a skirt with no tights!
-being complemented on skirt
-having my Aunty Mary read my blog regularly (Hi Mary!)
-seeing my Aunt Margaret's *joy* at their new house/community
-Making 'plans' with Uncle Paul to go to Burning  Man
-Realizing that one of Paul's Favourite web sites is Site 3, of whom I know a handful of people, and how much he wants to go check stuff out!  (I did a clown turn at their Heart Machine fundraiser!)  SMALL FREAKIN WORLD
-hearing cousin Bobaloo, say "HEY, don't mess with my sister!"
-walking to the lake
-seeing my family SO excited and supportive about an upcoming wedding

wow, that was an easy one. love family days.

Friday, April 22, 2011

176-300

I had anticipated that today would be sucky.  I went with J to his moms to help her get ready for Easter.  She likes to be overly prepared, and get things done a head of time, so rather than getting there super early Sunday, we went today, we also planned to help her clean.  We where being rather negative, and not compassionate on our way there.  And so, our predictions came true.  and we where all miserable.  I was miserable enough to smoke!  and then I remembered to have kindness and compassion for her.  She has her reasons for acting the way she does, who am I to judge that.  That realization made 'dealing' with her easier on my part, and I think it made everyone else feel a little more at ease too.

today I am thankful/happy for:
-waking up together
-chatting in bed
-our 'new' water heater that can handle 2 baths and a shower
-'stolen' coffee
-a mixed blessing
-laughing at the fact we thought North had already left, and we had already reverted back to old habits of dress, or un-dress as it may be
-having home made cards on hand for J's Dad and Aunt
-our trip up being fairly quick, despite "injury at track level' delay
-sesame snaps and chuppa chups
-good travel conversation
-remembering to be compassionate, and having it 'work'
-being asked gardening advice
-being thought of food wise
-feeding the birds
-seeing a groundhog with MIL
-listening with non judgement (or reminding myself every few seconds that's what I aught to be doing...)
-a drive home
-an extra big hug
-junk food
-being excited to do laundry because I made soap nut liquid
-being inspired by a friend on only buying 'single ingredient food'
-stinky cheese
-coming to a decision
-enjoying having my angels around (a friend sent 3 angels my way, to send on to others.  I gave them a request, and so far...it's working!  Placebo or real angels who knows...I don't care!)
-J's done school and passed!

Becca Stitches!?

I've been doin more on the talking side than the making side lately.  I do have a project on my needles, but it's slow going. 
I suppose it's because I'm back at work full time.  I'd like to schedule more time for *just* me.  It's proving to be hard.  Hard not to just veg right out when I get home.  The past 3 weeks back at work have been *easy* too! 

My work days are long ones.  I'm expected to be available from 7:30-5:30, that's 10 hours!  I had posted my daily schedule a few weeks back.  Boy has that gone down the tubes!  HEH.  I'm going to tweak it, and try again.  I was really enjoying doing the morning pages, but I found that even the act of swooshing oil in my mouth was too distracting.  I think I'm going to only do morning pages on the weekend.  I haven't been exercising either.  Well, I'll get back at it this week.  That along with my meal planning!  eeep.

I haven't been taking a lot of photographs either.  I'm not really sure what to do about that.  I have a back log of photos to edit. 

I've been finding my 1000 thanks interesting and challenging.  it has been keeping me mindful during the day for things that make me thankful/happy.  Once the challenge is over I might make it a Sunday thing, and try for 50 a week.

the house work has sadly fallen to the wayside.  I've been reading the Little House Books, and one of Ma's mantras is:

Wash on Monday
Iron on Tuesday
Mend on Wednesday
Churn on Thursday
Clean on Friday
Bake on Saturday
Rest on Sunday

obviously this exact thing won't work for me, but I'd like to do something similar.  get me on track to keeping things...on track...

Do you have a system?  does it work for you??

Just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

251-275

Happy Thursday!

today I am thankful/happy about:
-long weekend!
-no rain!
-ginger
-sunshine
-an understanding boss
-decent conversation with co-worker
-early end
-some communication progress
-angels to welcome tonight
-neck rub
-Going out for soup
-movie cuddles
-kind housekeeper
-new plant growth
-inspirational video
-the thought of soup stalk
-cerial
-wearing a nice necklace
-good dinner conversation
-feeling better
-Raffi
-cuddles
-knowing we're having our taxes done soon!
-commitment (again)
-my mom

thanks!

I was sick last night!  I forgot to do my thanks! 

-late start rain day
-sexy time
-a heated truck
-easy maintenance due to no weeds yet (SEE, there IS good to this cold weather!)
-remembering it's a short week!
-hot tea
-having the flexability to stop work early due to illness
-loving husband taking care of me
-more hot tea
-4 episodes of the X Files in a row, on the 'big screen'
-forgotten licorice alsorts
-dinner made for me again!


hmmm...I can't think of anymore, it being yesterday *and* I was sick and miserable...so I'll do the next 'real' 25 later tonight for today!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

226-250

25 more things that I am thankful for and/or made me happy today

-sleeping in
-having a lazy morning at work
-tea from client
-taking the opportunity of time waiting to meditate
-listening to hip hop on CBC
-being alone at work
-the sun coming out again
-witnessing children br children when the think no one is watching
-having it start to rain *just* as we finished
-the hope of a rain day tomorrow
-coming home after a hard afternoon
-hat bath
-the offer of dinner being made
-surprise Mado's sauce (just when I was thinking I'd like some for the chicken!)
-yum dinner
-leftovers for lunch
-visit from a robin
-lovely notes from friends
-new possibilities
-new computer!
-watching '9' on the TV rather than the laptop
-eating dinner with the TV off
-the amazing beuaty in the movie '9'/  the monsters especially are so inventive
-blooming hibiscus
-4 day work week

Monday, April 18, 2011

201-225

thankful and happy for:
 
-talking to jason
-being married
-being mindful when feeling *really* grumpy
-being wrong
-being open to change
-wearing enough layers
-co-worker knowing where he is going
-figuring out a solution
-visits from random cats
-being alone
-being told about the movie day of the trifids
-the stop sigh saying "nothing will STOP me now"
-white trash dinner
-all the puppies
-getting 2 parts of the job done quickly
-the satisfying *crack* of roots breaking
-ice cream
-kisses
-forsithias in bloom
-co-worker being hard working
-the bed being made for me
-chocolate chips and nuts
-orange
-breathing

Sunday, April 17, 2011

176-200

today might be hard because I haven't been up that long, and haven't done much today!  Lets have at it!

-waking up whenever I want/do
-feeling the after glow of an amazing weekend
-COFFEE
-BACON
-eating breakfast with North (J is at his moms BTW, this weekend 'thanks' have been heavy with North...but that's 'cause he's around!  yay)
-Cute kids in the grocery store
-organic jelly beans
-Preloved having a sale
-feeling like buying something and buying it!
-the friendly cashiers at the big carrot
-going to Alchemy and buying a skirt and dress, ON SALE
-cleaning the kitchen
-doing laundry (yes, I'm thankful I did those two things!)
-The heart drawn in the condensation at Broadview Espresso
-eating and watching TV...with North...lol
-the sun coming out in the late afternoon
-an e-mail from J
-seeing photos from the event I attended last night
-happy store clerks
-two french ladies talking
-home made soup
-gifted corn chips
-soap nuts!
-bulk honey

weaning off soap!

It's been about 3 weeks with no 'poo.
My hair kinda feels like an animal pelt now!  Especially wet.  Soft, but thick.  Kinda like I have product in it, but really nice product.  I guess that's the balance of the natural oils.  My scalp remains virtually itch free!  SO good. 

I use Dr. Bronner's magic soap for my body.  Although it *is* soap, it's 'pure' and doesn't have any gross/harsh chemicals.  It uses plant oils rather than animal fat.

AND  although I haven't used them yet, I've bought soap nuts!  I'm waiting until my laundry detergent is done (a couple more loads!)  The web site will give you better info.  So will this video:

Also planning on using them in the dish washer.

A friend of mine uses them, and unfortunately shares laundry machines.  She is so used to no scent, that if the person who uses the machine before her has used something scented, esp. something like Gain, she can't wear her clothes.  Did you know that most perfumes are endocrine disruptors?  They mess with your hormones!  Gross.

yesterdays thanks

I was up crazy late the last two nights.  here are yesterdays thanks!

-Hair cut!
-having a friend as my hair dresser is great, esp. when talking about life...
-extra big hugs
-being so happy for others
-poprocks in my heart chakra
-(temprorary) pink hair
-long streetcar rides
-CBC podcasts
-not getting sick from sushi
-laughing at roommate not being up when I got home at 1:30
-coffee with honey
-going out for the SECOND night in a row
-getting complemented on my Animal Patrol outfit (high waisted, curvy black skirt, white button up shirt (tucked) small brown button up vest, fedora)
-feeling a part of a cumunity.
-feeling the love of my community when life gets tough
-CANDY
-a mini rainbow umbrella for Edith from D
-hugs hugs and more hugs
-BUNNIES EVERYWHERE
-loosing my voice singing Bohemian Rhapsody and Jane Says
-planning a day to make someone who doesn't believe people like them to prove that people do (sorry for being cryptic!)
-getting one of the photos I bought from a friend
-having a good time planning costume with North
-feeling lighter and happier
-having people notice I feel lighter and happier (Saturday and Friday)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

126-150 thanks

I back slid...So I figured I'd start where I left off.  125.

-back at Gayles
-Hot tea
-the offer of coffee
-feeling comforatable with what I was doing at work
-wood pecker!
-having a 'real' washroom
-I remembered my orange!
-working alone
-seeing things grow
-junk food
-roomatehugs
-on sale icecream
-sharing icecream
-having a conversation
-survivour
-unexpectedly getting the metropass for the weekend
-surprising kindness
-rice and peas
-curry spinach and cottage cheese
-birthday!
-finding friends
-hugs and kisses
-taking some amazing photos
-having a half pint
-being told TWICE that my pants are nice

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

thankless

I had a really rough day.  There are few things I'm feeling thankful about...I'm going to attemt 25...but no promises.  (I don't feel comfortable blogging about this yet...it has nothing to do with babies, but about my personal, not for sharing right now, life.)

- my understanding boss
- my caring room mate
-badly needed hugs
-Scully and Moulder
-knitting
-hot baths and cold packs
-friends who come in a time of need
-"well duh!" tarot card readings
-snuggly cats
-envisioning gardens to plant
-too much food
-realizations
-chocolate
-spiced tea
-dog walking
-singing birds
-laughing
-food basket


I'll try again tomorrow...

drafted

Just in case you read my last post, it was put in the draft folder.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

101-125 thanks

ok...now, today...might be harder!  I'm feeling rather grumpy.

-not working until 9:30
-The truck being packed when I got to work (early)
-Sunshine
-watching a butterfly and bee feed.
-the bee reminded me of Kiki, because it's cargo pockets where full of pollen
-having a good conversation with the Kid about music and BC
-working near second cup, so I could pee in a washroom and buy a pink grapefruit italian soda
-pruning boxwood with boss not critisizing
-being greeted by a sweet old lady cat
-SUNSHINE!
-having a bath with no loud fan running
-finding out that a customers mean neighbour has moved, making her life a little easier
-hot salami
-my favorite crackers
-bagels I can eat
-getting a back rub and cuddling with J when I feel so grumpy
-having dinner made for me again!
-forbidden chocolate chip cookies
-the sun was great today!
-thinking about what to plant in my moms garden
-recognizing my feelings of annoyance and allowing it, and turning it into compassion
-finding a great blog entry about what I've been trying to live
-a nice wake up
-my pink toes
-laughing together about the big debate

Monday, April 11, 2011

76-100 thanks

Today shouldn't prove to be too hard after all!  I was worried a work day would prove to be boring and thankless.

-NEWBORN LAMBS!
-remembering that riverdale has a bathroom and it was closer than tim hortons (NEWBORN LAMBS!)
-no thunderstorm
-sunshine!
-heat!
-not having to work until 9:30
-once again, being praised
-seeing Z leaving Riverdale (she saw the new born lambs too!!!)
-remembering my i pod
-stoping for lunch near the big carrot where I can eat things they sell
-making a friend laugh instead of cry
-being mindful
-the wind
-starting late and finishing early, and *still* working almost an 8 hour shift
-the internet, being able to learn a bout a city we might want to live in
-Tulips from J
-J recommending we go to Snakes and Lattes with Pickle and MIL
-SUSHI! 
-realizing I don't have to make dinner tomorrow either!
-making progress in 'leaning into' uncomfortable feelings.
-wearing a t-shirt and wishing I had shorts on
-seeing knitting come together
-the offer of perogies
-the X files
-getting to stay up "late" because I don't have to be at work until 9:30 again!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

50-75 things that make me thankful

I don't think today will be too hard.  I had a good day!

-the thought of +17 weather
-my new fedora from North
-putting miney in the saviungs
-going to body blitz with my mom
-chatting with mom about everything
-showing my mom a new book (Pema's book I talked about earlier)
-seeing Mo on my way to the spa
-getting a recommendation for our new after spa lunch spot
-soaking, steaming and soaking bliss
-my new face scrub
-being able to go see my moms new house in Peterborough
-seeing what a great house they bought
-discovering the hiking trail a 2 minute walk behind the house!
-seeing and hearing fat robins, blue jays and cardinals.
-a creek!
-smelling the spring air
-being excited about helping landscape their property
-vegetable garden!!
-meeting K's mom, and S's girlfriend
-finding a Vietnamese restaurant, and it being good!
-finding a magazine called Peterbourough Kids, and realizing there is so much in the city for me as a parent, and I don't have to worry about being alone.
-seeing how potentially 'green' the city is, environmental that is.
-being welcomed home to two cute boys
-getting to sleep with one of those boys

Facebook

I decided to stop peddling my blog on my personal FB page...go *like* Becca Stitches and Bitches on Facebook!

the weekly menu

Now that I'm back at work I really need to know what we're making for dinner during the week so I can fill out our organic box order on the weekend when I'm off.

Kelly at Becoming Crunchy has been posting her weekly menu, so I though I'd get on the band wagon and do so too!  if I remember, I'll even take some photos and post recipes!

this week we're eating:

Monday: home made macauli and cheese.  (that would be macaroni and cheese and cauliflower)
Tuesday: "Thai" pork soup.
Wednesday: Roasted vegetables, from Crazy Plates
Thursday: Veg. curry...home made including the curry powder!
Friday:  Jason will be off picking up his Pickle, so I'll probably eat leftovers
Saturday: Roast chicken with *something* from St Lawrence farmers market.
Sunday:  not really sure.  sometimes Pickle stays for dinner, and sometimes he doesn't...*shrug*

Saturday, April 9, 2011

26-50 thankfulness

Actually, I did 26 yesterday...so this is really 27-51

-Sunny Saturday mornings in my chair by the window
-the internet for giving me the ability to troll friend FB and see them, even when they are across the country
-sleeping in
-pate.  I love liverwurst!
-being content working on a Saturday because the weather is GORGEOUS
-taking off layers
-cutting down old perennials and finding new fussy babies growing
-the fact that a lot of new shoots growing are fuzzy!
-crocuses
-the sun just beating down on my back
-the smell of turned earth
-singing birds
-the sound of children playing on the first 'hot' day of the season
-I think I saw a bee!
-earning money
-finishing kitting for mommy
-starting new project I've wanted to do for a while
-Jason sharing his Good and Plenty's
-talking to mommy
-having Psquared call me to see if I wanted a lift
-prophetic dreams...even when scary
-books lent from friends
-Pema Chodron
-days off
-chocolate

Friday, April 8, 2011

Just a moment...


{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

1000 thanks

A friend just posted on the facebook a challenge.
40 days of 25 things you are thankful for.

I have a feeling this might help with mindfulness, and living in the moment, and being less grumpy!
here it goes!

25 things I'm thankful/grateful/happy about today:
-the gorgeous sunrise this morning
-feeling great 2 days after my concussion
-my awesome roommates singing (thanks North!  I don't know *what* you are singing, but hearing it muffled though the floor made me smile)
-not having to work with Asshat
-being pleasantly surprised at how well new Kid worked.
-this website
-having dinner made for me
-having dinner be SO yummy
-getting 2 jobs done quicker than we thought, and finishing site 5 so we don't have to do it tomorrow
-being thanks by Boss
-having J give me a massage
-having J 'let' me watch X files
-cuddling with J on the couch while watching X files
-cleaning up all the leaves and seeing little purple hosta shoots
-people complementing my photography and blog posts
-friends getting into school
-Robins
-the sun coming out at the end of the day to make it that much easier to do 10 hours
-cute people
-the pussy willows on my table flowering
-organic oranged
-knowing I can help a friend by buying a photograph
-IT'S FRIDAY
-the fact that Friday *means* something now that I'm working
-my pink toe nails that make me feel feminine when otherwise looking masculine
-a friend having the courage to speak about an abusive relationship

So, lets have it...what are you happy about today??

Thursday, April 7, 2011

the good, the bad and the medical

The Good:
I'm not dead!  wait...let me back track to
The Bad:
I am pretty sure I had a concussion yesterday.  At work I was pulling down some old clematis vines on a pergola, and a large rotted finial came crashing down on my head.  It was solid wood 4x4, about 10 inches tall.  not fun.  No blood, no lost time.  I didn't black out.  But early on, my pupils didn't dilate, and I was dizzy.  Thank goodness J is training to be a nurse.  He chastised me for not going to the hospital (I wonder if *he* would have!).  I stayed up for about 10 hours (supposed to be 12...)  I woke up several times on my own and spoke out loud.  I woke up mildly dizzy. 
I had a doctors appointment today for a follow up on previous test for abdominal pain a month ago.  An aside to that, was that my platelets are low.  Not in the danger zone (lower than 100 is danger, a month ago I was at 118), but enough of a concern especially that combined with a flipping concussion!  oi.  I'm staying home today.  Not on doctors orders, but because I feel like it.  Heh.  I decided I deserved a day off due to concussion, as if I haven't been off for the last 4 months!  My head and neck *are* killing me, and my doc. recommended I didn't take anything *because* my platelets are low and with my concussion it's not great in case something gets worse.

The Medical:
The abdominal pain a month ago was due to ovarian cysts!  or, one bursting anyway.  I didn't put that in the bad (or good ha ha) because they are common and not dangerous for someone my age.  And It's a bit of a relief because it hurt *so* much I thought my intestines where going to burst.  She said it won't effect Project MakeBaby.  I'm going to do a little more research, because I'm feeling it a little again today...(before she told me!)  I wonder if cysts happen at ovulation due to hormones.  I also wonder if this hasn't been the cause of my pain all along.  I have been diagnosed with IBS, and my BMs would concur with that.  I've always had tummy troubles, especially in regards to my stress levels/moods.  But the *pain*.  I wonder if the few ultrasounds I've had have missed them.  My old doctor didn't even suggest that it's what they could be (even though a couple friends and my MIL have!).

back to The Good:
I'm alive, even though my head hurts.

*edit*
It turns out my head *did* get cut!  I was feeling my lump and I have a scab.  I guess my platelets aren't too low, and the cut wasn't too big.  I really should have gone to the hospital.  oh well.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Slut Walk

*double take*
What did I just write?

Well.  This past Sunday I went to a rally/march/protest dubbed "Slut Walk".

The back ground (taken from www.slutwalktoronto.com):

"BECAUSE WE’VE HAD ENOUGH!
On January 24th, 2011, a representative of the Toronto Police gave shocking insight into the Force’s view of sexual assault by stating: “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized”.
As the city’s major protective service, the Toronto Police have perpetuated the myth and stereotype of ‘the slut’, and in doing so have failed us. With sexual assault already a significantly under-reported crime, survivors have now been given even less of a reason to go to the Police, for fear that they could be blamed. Being assaulted isn’t about what you wear; it’s not even about sex; but using a pejorative term to rationalize inexcusable behaviour creates an environment in which it’s okay to blame the victim.
Historically, the term ‘slut’ has carried a predominantly negative connotation. Aimed at those who are sexually promiscuous, be it for work or pleasure, it has primarily been women who have suffered under the burden of this label. And whether dished out as a serious indictment of one’s character or merely as a flippant insult, the intent behind the word is always to wound, so we’re taking it back. “Slut” is being re-appropriated.
We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.
We are a movement demanding that our voices be heard. We are here to call foul on our Police Force and demand change. We want Toronto Police Services to take serious steps to regain our trust. We want to feel that we will be respected and protected should we ever need them, but more importantly be certain that those charged with our safety have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.
We are tired of speeches filled with lip service and the apologies that accompany them. What we want is meaningful dialogue and we are doing something about it: WE ARE COMING TOGETHER. As people from all gender expressions and orientations, all walks of life, levels of employment and education, all races, ages, abilities, and backgrounds, from all points of this city and elsewhere.
We are asking you to join us for SlutWalk, to make a unified statement about sexual assault and victims’ rights and to demand respect for all. Whether a fellow slut or simply an ally, you don’t have to wear your sexual proclivities on your sleeve, we just ask that you come. Any gender-identification, any age. Singles, couples, parents, sisters, brothers, children, friends. Come walk or roll or strut or holler or stomp with us.
Join us in our mission to spread the word that those who experience sexual assault are not the ones at fault, without exception."


So I went.

I went because I *have* been assaulted.  I went because I am a burlesque performer and have been...not quite assaulted.  I went because I have been leered and whistled at when fully clothed.  I went because I am a woman, and I enjoy being sexual.  If I had had the forethought,  my sign would have read:

GARDENER
CLOWN
BURLESQUE PERFORMER
PHOTOGRAPHER

WHO DESERVES TO BE VICTIMIZED?

I'M ALL OF THE ABOVE
I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT AT ANY TIME


I *did* feel kinda funny about using the work "slut".  I somewhat understood that it was "taking it back".  Maybe like the word "fag" or "nigger".  It didn't really feel *good*.  It felt uncomfortable.  I did however want to go support the idea behind the walk.  While there, when one of the organizers spoke, she said why they decided to use the work slut.  It is such a strong, shocking word.  It got peoples attention.  For some reason that made me feel a little better about the name.  (I suppose even bad press is still press.)  

I had a fabulous time with Sisu, and my other wonderful slutty friends (using the re appropriated use of course!).  It was emotional, and empowering.  It was wonderful to see HOW many people there where out.  most in regular clothes, some in "slutty" clothes.  
I found myself getting *really* angry at peoples comments on articles and on the facebook.  People saying how dumb it was going on a march/protest dressed like sluts becuase of one thing that one cop said.  We must be man haters, and cop haters.  When, although some women dressed like sluts, that wasn't the point of the walk.  

The point was to, address 'slut shaming', victim blaming, and the fact that we teach how not to get raped, rather than for people NOT to rape at all.  To address the fact that better methods of assault training need to be addressed/taught.

I'm a proud slut.  In the new sense of the word, a *person* who enjoys (consensual) sex, and sexuality.  There is NOTHING wrong with that. 




this was *just* the beginning!  *so* many more people came!





(see the rest of the photos at beccaphotog.blogspot.com )

Saturday, April 2, 2011

YOWZA!

So.  North lent me (loaned me???!!!) Comfortable With Uncertainty: 108 teachings on cultivating fearlessness and compassion  by Pema Chodron.  108 page and a half bits of wonderfulness.  I read some one my way to, and back from St. Lawrence Market today.  being me, once I found something I resonated with, I exclaimed out loud  "oh,wow, this is amazing" and started to weep.  ha ha.  What really got me was '4:  The Wisdom of No Escape'

The Central Question of a warriors training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort.  How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day?  For those of us with a hunger to know the truth, painful emotions are like flags going up to say, "you're stuck!"  We regard disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, jealousy, and fear as moments that show us we are holding back, how we're shutting down.  Such uncomfortable feelings are messages that tell us to perk up and lean into a situation when we'd rather cave in and back away.  
When the flag goes up, we have an opportunity: we can stay with our painful emotion in stead of spinning out (of control??).  Staying is how we get the hang of catching ourselves when we're about to let resentment harden into blame, righteousness , or alienation.  (wow)  It's also how we keep from smoothing things over by talking ourselves into a sense of relief and inspiration.  This is easier said than done.
Ordinarily we are swept away by habitual momentum.  We don't interrupt out patterns even slightly.  With practice, however, we learn to stay with a broken heart, with a nameless fear, with the desire for revenge.  Sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears.  We can bring ourselves back to the spiritual path countless times everyday simply by exercising our willingness to rest in the uncertainty of the present moment--over and over again.

This might not be where you are right now.  This may not speak to you as it did me.  That is fine.  It's all fine!  I feel SO amazing today.  (and I'm attempting to rest in that! )  I also recently wrote about leaning into ____.  I think I'm starting to understand what 'leaning into ____" means.  It's about accepting.  I find it hard to accept.  I find myself thinking if I accept it I have to like it.  That's not the case.  

One thing I had a little 'enlightenment' about yesterday was the word 'responsible'.  I don't know about the roots of the word...but to be *truly* be responsible, you need to be able to respond.  In order to be able to respond, you need to accept whet is happening.  Did  you ever play with guck when you where little?  all it was was corn starch and water in the right proportions.  When you hit it, it was like a solid, and when you where gentle, it was a liquid.  That's what came to mind when we where talking about that.  Punch it, push it away, get mad, it's solid, and isn't going anywhere, but be gentle and let it surround you, and it isn't hard.  You can pass right through.  
So, to be responsible, you need to be response able, able to respond.  You can't respond when you are pushing away your 'problem', fighting it.  Everything changes, everything ends.  
So, I'm trying to remember to accept what ever it is I want to fight, so I am response able.  Sisu and I where going to go rant in the park shouting back and forth "response!"  "ABLE!".  We didn't...but we should have!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Mindfulness

For a little while now I've been learing about mindfulness. 
First a few years ago with A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle, and more recently with meditation.

One thing I learned recently was NOT to be judgmental when you find yourself doing something you don't want to be doing.  So, if you are meditating, you don't beat yourself up when your mind wanders.  (I say when because I also learned that it's what your mind does...think, like your heart pumps blood and your liver cleanses it, your mind thinks.)  Or snapping at your kid or spouse, or flipping out because the bus is late *again* or what ever thing you might be working on.  The important thing is that you recognize it.  The more you practice mindfulness, the quicker you will be to see it.  The main thing seems to be to see it, what ever *it* is for you.  I was at an mindfulness meditation info session with my friend Sisu today.  The facilitator (who was wonderful) Was saying that it doesn't matter *when* you recognize it either.  The important thing is that you do.  It could be a week later.  When you recognize it, you loosen your hold on it. 

I've been thinking a lot about complaining.  I recently talked about acceptance.  I'm learning to accept when I feel like complaining.  Or, accept what I feel like complaining about.  Or both!  I've gone so far as to not read my facebook newsfeed!  I'm finding myself getting angry at *other* people complaining.  I think of it like I'm trying to quit smoking, or on a diet and can't eat junk food.  I have to stay away from those people who are doing what I can't, because I haven't learned the skills to cope yet.

**********

I got side tracked...it's about 2 hours later.  We have a friend, North, staying with us for a few months, he just arrived, and we've been gabbing about just this!  Very nice.  It's not something I've been able to talk to J about.  He's not in that space (and may never be, and I'm learning to accept that too).  It's nice to have a good conversation about mindfulness with out the other person thinking you are nuts! 

I'm eating dinner now, so I'll sign off.  I'll see if I feel inspired to continue with this thread of thought.  Maybe I'll even have *more* to add from my future conversations with North.

Just a moment...

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.