THE LAWN OF DOOOOOM

I took on being the grounds keeper for my dad and step-moms church.  Extra baby funds for when that happens.

They have a pretty big lawn.  And it is a maniac.  I took too long to mow it the first time...it was over a foot long in some spots.  In my defence, a week before, it had hardly started growing.

So I spent 7 hours.  YES.  7 hours (split by 3 days) cutting that damn lawn, literally inch by inch because the mower isn't powerful enough to take more than that when the grass is 6-13 inched long. 

I didn't learn my lesson the first time.  I got an e-mail from my step mom a week after I finished cutting (it was frappy week.  Ain't  nobody got time for that shit) asking when I was going to cut the lawn again.

I *had* planned on cutting it on Sunday.  Then it HAILED!  so a week and a half after I finished, (so like, 2 weeks after I started) it's back to being a foot high.  The mower is battery operated, so with how long it is, I can only cut for about an hour and a half each time! 

It will calm down some soon (omg I hope) so I can actually do some other gardening.  Like making it look pretty!

Happy happy happy Mother's day!!

I figured I'd just yank my status update from Facebook:

Dear moms to humans, moms to cats, moms to birds, dogs and rats, dads who have to be both moms and dads (for a weekend or a lifetime). Dear stepmoms, and other mother like ladies. Mothers of gardens and house plants. Dear moms that never had a chance to hold your babies, or only hold them once. 

 Happy Mother's Day.

 *edit*

 a freinds reminded me:

 the most important Mother of all:

 Mother Earth.

be nice to her too.     

Anxiety

So today I had a crazy bad anxiety attack.  The worst I've ever had.

I generally don't know what triggers them.  Sometimes i can guess.

This is my theory for this attack:

As you may have read in my last post, 5 days of happy crappy frappy hour in a row is down right ridonk.

5 days of super high adrenaline.  Then, I hit my thumb.  CAPOW!  my already quick beating heart took a big leap, and then, my damn lizard brain thought a velociraptor or a rabid raccoon was after me and it was all I could do to keep filling milk and making sure the lids where stocked instead of dropping the pitcher and running away. 

 

I kept myself busy until the end of the rush, and only shed a couple tears by the garbage cans.

Then it was break time.  And break down time.  I couldn't hold it together anymore.  

I'm really lucky.  Everyone understood, and left me alone.  40 minutes later, my heart was *still racing*.  I was able to keep my breathing even, and that helped.  Concentrating o my breath.

The 'tape' in my head went something like this:

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  just breathe.  dude, just breathe.  goddamnit i'm letting everyone down.  just breathe.  face it.  don't fight it.  Oh hai anxiety.  fuck I'm letting everyone down aaarrrggggg!"

and my heart just wouldn't slow down.

the worst part about anxiety attacks for me is what they look like on the out side.

They look NORMAL.  It took 20 minutes before anyone realized anything was wrong.  And only because I wiped one tear away that escaped.

Here. In the (very loose, and not nearly as good or funny) style of Allie Broch, I drew you some pictures!

 

This is what I *look* like when I'm having an anxiety attack.  Oh, that monster, its what's scaring me, it's *why* I'm freaking out.  but on the inside *next slide please*

This is how I *feel*  my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm scared shitless.  (no spell check, I don't mean shirtless)



Today was so bad I couldn't talk my self out of it.  I think that is when meds might help.

One thing I think I should have done was take a walk.  I didn't want to leave work though.  And, I've also stolen The Bloggess' phrase, but different.  Anxiety Lies.  (she says Depression Lies, and that's true too)

So really, I did all I could do.  My manager was awesome, and so where my co-workers who where supposed to have me for another 1.5 hours. 

I came home, and had a lavender bath.  Preceded first with hugs from J natch.

It ended.  Like it always does.  And always will.

I'm still here!

I
am
exhausted.


I don't know if it's a change of seasons, or my body's response to stress ("so much going on!  just sleeeeeeep", or maybe I'm pregnant.  regardless. 

I
am
exhausted.

Working 5 Crappy Frappy Hours doesn't help.
In case you are not a Starbucks patron, between 3 and 5pm, from May 3 - May 12 all frappuccinos are half off (OMG, this is not an advertisement!  PLEASE for the love of god, for the love of your favourite barista (me!?) and for the love of you health, don't go!!!)

I asked J to guess how many we make in the 2 hours.  He guessed 60. 

Now you go, what is your guess?

Our biggest number of Frappuccinos in 2 hours:
250.  Yes, that's one frapp every 30 seconds.  With a SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

There are 2 people making these drinks.  2 people on till and one person 'running' for the baristas.  Refilling everything (I refilled 6-10 4 L bags of milk.)

It is exhausting.  And being the runner is the crazy easy job (if you are good at it like I am *wink wink*)

Hutch will have done 8 days in a row tomorrow.  I will have done 5.  It's a living hell.  2 partners in our district *quit*.



ANYWAY.  lol.  Pardon my rant. 

I'm trying to continue to eat healthy, but it's so very hard being so exhausted (are you tired of that word yet??) 

I found a juicer for $8 at Value Village!!  so for the past 5 days I've been making the most delicious drink.

I juice one beet, one carrot, one apple, 1/4 of a cuccumber, and a good hunk of ginger.  *then* because my juicer is a cheap version and doesn't juice leafy greens, I put a large handful of spinach in the blender, along with frozen blueberries, blackberries and cherries and blend with the juice. 

it is just.  wow.  Even J, the beet hater likes it!

the down side is my pee is this ridiculous colour.  The beets, and my prenatal vitamins make for this really dark orange pee.  I was starting to get really worried, then I realized it was the beets!!

oh, it's only May 3rd

I've been going rather crazy lately.  I've been looking so much into the future, regarding all the stuff I have going on this month.

I thought I had this weekend off, when in reality, I have *next* weekend off. 

I *wish* it was a week from now!

'Cause this week, is Crappy  Happy Frappy Hour.  Which in reality is 2 hours of  half price Frappuccinos.   My 'bucks is across the street from a high school.

*finger gun to temple-brains in the frapps*

I know it's not their fault, because their brains are not fully developed, BUT THEY ARE SO DUMB.


and they explode muffins.

half a dozen

I've started half a dozen posts this week!

I think the problem is that I've got a lot going on in my head!

a list if you will:

-The impending Starbucks promotion.
          I hate that this is taking up so much of my brain power.  Being conniving is not in my nature.  It also saddens me that I need to be conniving for a job I'm practically already doing.  And one that is only $1 an hour more than I'm making now.

- I submitted a 15 minute turn to Toronto Festival of Clowns and got accepted!
          Now I have 5 weeks to perfect this turn.  I feel ill (in a good way!) every time I think about it. 

- My new way of eating
          No sugar is way hard!  Making sure I have food to eat so I don't eat junk is hard.  I just have to keep on keeping on, because I DO feel better.

- Baby making
          Still going at it.  (ha ha)

- Getting to the gym
          I need to get fit!  No sugar help keep me slim, but I am SO out of shape.  Tai chi and weight lifting are in order.  Working almost 40 hours a week makes it hard. 

- Performances other than Festival of Clowns
          I have 2 other performances coming up for Lunacy Cabaret too!!  I've done both before, so it's just a matter of rehearsing a couple times.


I'm not sure, other than going day to day, what will make this next month easier.
I'm not feeling too over whelmed.  But I find myself split.  I'll start one thing, and jump to another. 

Focus.  I need to focus.  Good food will help with that.

no sugar fail

You may have noticed my sugar free ticker is back to 1.

I had a fail day today.  I was feeling rather grumpy.

I got written up at work.  A customer decided that they wanted to cause a ruckus, and came into the store with an agenda.  When things didn't go their way (for a $1 off coupon!) they contacted my district manager, and I got blamed.  My manager didn't want to write me up because she saw I really was in the right, but she feels she has to play the game too.  My promotion is not in jeopardy, she made that clear.

(the guy didn't give me a chance to 'just say yes'.  He was all wham bam I want your district managers number.  Fucker)

So grump.  I didn't binge.  But I did consciously eat sugar and wheat.


The nice thing is.  Tomorrow.  It's another day.