Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Happy Holidays



I am actually all by my lonesome today.  I really don't mind at all though.  My MIL is all alone today, and it was making her sad, so J went up last night to spend the day with her.

Today is going to be spent cleaning and organizing.  And ignoring the fact that it's Christmas.  'Cause I'm a bit of a grump about Christmas.  I do like seeing my extended family (boxing day dinner) and my moms traditional Christmas brunch is not until the 4th.  My dad is in Cuba.  The in-law family diner is this weekend.  J and I didn't even exchange gifts this year.  We will buy a camera with our baby shower and Christmas money.

Hope your celebrations are stress free and wonderful.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

8 months.

I am now at the 8 month mark!  4.5 weeks to go!

No new news from the midwives.  Everything is still just peachy.  Head a little lower in the pelvis.


I woke up yesterday and felt very different!
Major pressure in the pelvic area. 
I'm feeling very very uncomfortable.  It's hard to do anything now.  Get up off the couch, stand and do dishes, make the bed, put on boots, pants and socks.

Jason is now my errand runner since it's so slippy now. 
I'm not leaving the house except for Christmas dinners/brunches and midwife appointments.  Oh, and when Ziggy decides to arrive.  It's been predicted for Feb. 1.  10 days 'late'.  Hope Ziggy's head isn't big!!

I've been meaning to post a photo of the quilt my Aunt Mary made us.  here it is:


Stitching details




34 weeks

8 months - 35 w 4 d



Saturday, December 7, 2013

33 weeks - 7 to go!

Thought it was about time for an update!  (don't want to read my blather?  skip to the end for belly pics!)

Last midwife appointment went really well. 

Ziggy was head down, and heartbeat great.  My blood pressure was fine.  My blood work came back amazing.  Along with iron levels, I was tested for gestational diabetes, as well as platelet levels.  No diabetes and Platelets where up 40 points from first check.

You may not know that I had ITP 20 years ago, and we've been keeping an eye on my platelet count.  Normal count is 100,000+.  I've gone down to less than 25,000 when I was 12/13.  My first count with my midwife was 125,000 (ish), and this last test was 165,000 (ish).  Perfectly acceptable, and a huge sigh of relief. 

The other amazing news is that the new (and first in Ontario) birth centre is open!!  This is a great compromise for Jason and I, as I want a home birth and Jason is against it (please no judging, or suggestions or comments on this)  It was slated to open this October, then it go pushed back to December.  We where crossing our fingers it would be ready for Ziggy!
Things have been very hush hush, so I don't really know anything about it!  I'll update next time.

We have pretty much everything we could need.  A place to sleep, warm clothes, and my boobs!  We also have been very blessed, and also now have a stroller, car seat, swing, baby rocker, mommy rocking chair, baby bath, diapers (cloth), diaper service for about 4 months, swaddlers, receiving blankets, breast pump, bottles, bibs, books, toys, several different carriers...I think we're set.  Are we missing anything???  A lot of it is (wonderfully) second hand.  I am quite please with that.  I really don't care if my stroller doesn't match my swing or baby bath.  Don't worry, the car seat is new!





How am I doing?
I'm feeling nervous!
I am not scared of giving birth.  I think I have a healthy respect for how hard it can be, and that it won't be a walk in the park (although now a days, even that is hard for me!).  I've been reading lots.  And yes I know there is nothing that can really prepare me for what it's going to be like, but I'm keeping an open mind, and learning how to RELAX.  Everything I've been reading talks about how keeping my body relaxed will help with birth.  Have you ever tried to poop while uptight?  Same principle!  (yes, I know it's not that *simple*)

I'm mostly nervous about the forever part!  I know it will be amazing (and not at times).  It dawned on me last Christmas that I am still my parents baby.  They still want to take care of me, they still worry about me.  Oh, right, forever! 
I felt similar trepidation when I was putting our wedding invites in the mail.  FOREVER!?  7+ years later, it's been wonderful (and not at some points).
 Always work, often fun.

Physically I'm doing good.  I am now *DUN DUN DUN*  200Lbs.,  40Lbs up from pre pregnancy weight.  My body image is good though.  200 is just one of those milestone numbers that is scary.  The average wight gain for my size is about 35Lbs, so I'm not worried.  Here is a breakdown of what all that extra weight is:

Here are some averages to give you an idea of how much they weigh:

"
  • At birth, a baby weighs about 3.3kg (7.3lb).
  • The placenta, which keeps your baby nourished, weighs 0.7kg (1.5lb).
  • The amniotic fluid, which supports and cushions your baby, weighs 0.8kg (1.8lb).
But what about the other two thirds of extra weight? These can be accounted for by the changes that happen to your body while you're pregnant. Again, the figures are averages:
  • The muscle layer of your uterus (womb) grows dramatically and weighs an extra 0.9kg (2lb).
  • Your blood volume increases and weighs an extra 1.2kg (2.6lb).
  • You have extra fluid in your body weighing about 1.2kg (2.6lb).
  • Your breasts weigh an extra 0.4kg (0.9lb).
  • You'll store fat, about 4kg (8.8lb), to give you energy for breastfeeding.
By the end of pregnancy you may weigh about 12.5kg (27.6lb) more than you did before you became pregnant. Remember that this is only an average weight gain."

Isn't that nuts!?  I had no idea that so much of it was other than fat!  


I have a stuffy nose, and standing for more than 20 minutes starts to hurt my feet and back.  I now have trouble with standing from sitting, esp. if I'm on a couch or other comfy seat.  So just hand me a pillow, and let me sit in an upright dining chair.  All in all it's been pretty text book, with no real complications.  *phew*

now for those photos!
 
7 months

I was on my way to a Burningman party.  I even danced!

32 weeks

32w 3 d.  In my amazing adorable Value Village score.  Perfect for my second baby shower (thanks mom!)
 


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Sister update!

 Over a month ago I left you hanging regarding my new sister, Sister J.

We had a really great first meeting at our mom's place.  Our traditional pancakes and peameal bacon breakfast.

Sister J and looks a lot like my mom, and I look a lot like her.  Sister J is darker, and shorter.  Mom says she takes after my opa.

Our first visit was really nice, we all chatted very well.  Amazingly we have a lot in common.  We both knit, and we both want to own alpacas!  My mom noticed certain gestures, and ways we speak that are similar too.  Part of it I'm sure is generational, we're only 4 years apart, and, although Sister J didn't grow up in Toronto, she did grow up close.  But some of her similarities are with my mom too, very cool.  Brings up the whole nature vs. nurture thing!
Since our first meeting early October we've gotten together a handful of times.  We had a sister Brunch, with Sarah's wife (who will be now known as ... just to confuse you dear readers, Sister K!  HA!)  Sister J brought over, with a friend, a bunch of maternity and baby clothes her firend was getting rid of, and we all had tea.  There was my baby shower.  As well as Lunch and an afternoon of crafting.

We seem to be able to be comfortable just sitting and crafting and not forcing chatter.  It was really nice to hang out.

So, how did we find each other?  The magic of facebook.  Sister J had mommy's info, her name, birthday, hometown.  Except, mom spells her last name differently now.  BUT my Uncle Jim still spells it how it got changed once my oma and opa changed it to make life easier.  Sister J found Uncle Jim on facebook.  A friend decided they look alike.  I am connected to Uncle Jim as niece.  Sister J and I look alike.  I am connected to Mommy.  Sister J messaged me.  IN APRIL.  It got put in the 'other' folder in the facebook inbox.  Did you know that that exists?  yup.  I bet you've been missing messages.  Maybe not as epic as my find...but you never know.  So I gave her mommy's info (with permission) and blammo, a few weeks later we where meeting.

And how am I feeling you ask?  After the initial shock, and it was a good, exciting shock, it's really really nice to have more family.  Esp. family you knew where out there.  It's also nice to have new family that you like!
I sometimes find it odd.  I'm not the oldest!  lol. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

house wife

I have never been a good hausfrau.  But I'm learning now!

I actually feel very accomplished because I'm doing the dishes every day.  Maybe it's because the rest of the house is in shambles that it doesn't matter.
and I do laundry.  But it never *all* gets put away.


I am however amazed at how quick a daily kitchen clean up can be.  Maybe 20 minutes.

I have a goal of picking up each evening.  Hasn't happened yet.  I keep forgetting.

Jason and I figure there is no point going back to work before Ziggy is in school full time.  Child care is too expensive.  I'm going to try to continue gardening at the church like I did this year.  There is a big lawn, and a few beds.  20 hours a month is the average I did this season.  I should be able to work around J's work schedule, or just wear Ziggy on my back while I weed.

I never really wanted to go back to work right away.  Now I have some time to think about what I want to do once I get to Peterborough in a few years.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Lumpy, Bumpy and Grumpy

It's what I've been calling Ziggy, Me and J as of late.

J isn't much of a morning person before his coffee. 


I'm now 29w 4d.  Just over 6 and a half months.  10w and 3d til I am due.


26ish weeks

27 weeks

Nov. 2, Haloween party.  The cat who swallowed the canary. (27w 2d)

this morning 29w 4d.  I told J not to get my head!
I can't imagine how I can possibly get bigger!


Things are fairly text book.
I've started pregnancy insomnia and joint inflammation.  At night my joints ache, including my knuckles!  I've started drinking tart cherry juice.  It has properties that reduce inflammation, as well as increasing melatonin.  It's been 3 days.  Last night I had a very good sleep, except for the fact my belly was sore from a growth spurt!  Do you remember growing pains in your legs?  I got them in my belly last night!  We'll see if the good sleep continues or we'll have to start calling me Grumpy Bumpy.


Monday, October 28, 2013

Moved...NO INTERNETS!

I might die of withdrawal. 

or I might actually be productive.

Maybe I'll edit some photos.

Or you know.  Unpack the apartment...


J is going to figure the internet stuff out.  So for now, it's hanging out at coffee shops or the library.


See you soon.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Just a moment

A Friday ritual. A single photo - capturing a moment from the week.

pardon all the digital noise!  This rainbow was in the sky when I was on my way to see about our new apartment!  I took it as a good omen.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Ziggy and life update

I'm about 26w now.  One more week and I'll be 6 months!!

*deep breath*

Ziggy is about 2 Lbs and 13 inches now.

I can see the movements.  And boy does S/he move!!  Just like her Daddy.  He was a very active kid.  *gulp*
I played the Be Good Tanyas for Ziggy though the i phone on my belly.  S/he responded to that! Crazy dancing.

No more ultrasounds unless there is something suspected wrong.

I'm going a glucose test in a few weeks to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes.  My dads side of the family has some diabetes, and that is considered a risk factor.  I haven't had any of the signs, so I'm hoping it's not the case.  I'm not sure I could go through Christmas season with out chocolate!!!

Being pregnant is WEIRD people.  It's not magical.  I don't know who these lucky women are who have these unicorn and rainbow pregnancies.  But it's not me! 
Don't get me wrong.  Its miraculous!  But flipping WEIRD. 
So far so good though.  The only mild concern is low blood pressure.  And my midwife (and doctor) are not concerned.  The worry is standing up too fast and fainting, and falling over.  I have not been getting dizzy.  Low is much better than high.


Some life updates:
We *finally* got an apartment.
A one bedroom in an old 1930s building.  So BIG rooms.  And 3 walk in closests and 2 flat closets.  Big rooms except for the kitchen.  It's a tiny galley kitchen that doesn't even fit a fridge!  the fridge is in the breakfast nook.  I'm hoping to get/make an island type thing for the nook for extra counter space.  I figure that in the 30's apartments where built for bachelors who didn't cook.  The bedroom will fit the king sized bed!  and we're sticking Ziggy in one of the closets.  Really!  we'll take the door off and make a bed to fit.  Ziggy will be sleeping with us for the first little while anyway (in a bedside co-sleeper) to help with night time feedings.  But naps and quiet time can happen in there.  We're planning on staying in Toronto for another 3 years or so.  We want to be in Peterborough in time for Zig to be in kindergarten. 

We figure we'll move the week after Sisters wedding.  On the 23rd or 24th.  I'd like to paint.  The living room is a horrible olive green.
Sisters wedding is coming fast!  This Saturday.  I got my nails and eyebrows done yesterday.  I've tried on my whole outfit.  My dress still fits!

Speaking of sisters...
I have HUGE news.  I have a new sister.  No, my mom did not give birth recently.  But she did give birth 38 years ago.  Yes, click click click, do the math.  I'm 34. 
My mom got unexpectedly pregnant in '75, and decided to give the baby up for adoption.  A few years ago she opened up her end of the information.

Long story short:  Sister S and I met her on the 6th.  I'll be calling her Sister J here.
I'll write another post with a little more detail soon.

Cliffhanger ending.

Friday, October 11, 2013

just a moment!!

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

ok...some words...I lay down for bed, and my belly was rather lopsided!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

stoopid busy

I've had too much on my plate to consider sitting and writing.  I would have had a panic attack!

We gave notice in August that we where moving in October.

And we never secured a place!  I'm not entirely sure why.  Some places just plain sucked.  Some places got rented before I got the application to them (the next day!).  One place the application went to a corporate office.  I believe because J's pay stubs vary because his is casual they got freaked out. (that one had a money order and our rent was tied up for almost 2 weeks!) Sometimes I think it was because I'm visibly pregnant.  No one ever said anything, but you get the eyeball.

So on top of packing, I was freaking out.  I didn't want to be homeless!

Luckily we have amazing friends who took us in last minute.  They actually saved our butts twice.  The Movers said there was no way that all our stuff would fit into storage.  Luckily L+L have a garage and basement.  It wasn't a huge amount.  Our bed/bookshelves and a handful of boxes.  That also meant We got to have our own bed.  Pure bliss.  It wasn't moved upstairs right away, so we where sleeping on a futon.  A double.  Now, J and I have a smooshy king sized bed.  We where miserable.  So I whined a bunch on facebook and a couple friends, and L+L moved the bed for us. 

Thank goodness for friends.



We also got an i-phone from a friend, so we have at least a way to communicate.

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed now.  And creative.

Here are a few photos I took with the 'new' phone today:

black eyes in the cosmos

grass hole

ziggy and the leaves

merry

red tips

tiger lounging

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

5am

It's 5am, and I seem to have a case of pregnancy induced insomnia.
So hey,  a good time to catch up right?


My sad news is that my friend Braz passed away.  He died in hospice care, with his sister and RSVP, his girlfriend (and my friend).


He passed the morning of our annual Burning Man "orphan burn".  An afternoon/evening on the beach for those people who either have been to Burning Man, and are 'orphaned' this year, or for those who are interested in the community, but have never been.

Braz had attended for almost as long as I had (as long!?).  I had been planning on making an art project for him.

He was a poet, and in the last several months, he had asked people to read him poetry, and email it to him.  I had planned on having people write a haiku, and record it for him so he could be there with us.


I had been out all morning looking for a recording device.  I didn't find one.  And when I got home, I got the news.
It was devastating.  I full on bawled.  I had found out on facebook.  The crazy part was I continued scrolling though my 'news feed'.  My friends The Smiths had a baby girl that morning too.  Here I was, sitting in bed, Bawling in sadness, and laughing in joy.  At the same time.  It was by far, the strangest I had ever felt.

I changed my avatar to this photo of me and Braz:

Braz and I at the last Lunacy Cabaret we where at together.  The last night I actually saw him.
I don't think I am articulate enough to share my feelings about Braz.  About why everyone loved him.  He was just one of those people.  And he seemed to love everyone back.

RSVP, his girlfriend, and my friend, invited J and I to his funeral service.

It was really wonderful hearing what everyone had to say about him.  Braz had a tracheotomy.  He could speak, but not very loudly, and his voice was very deep.  I loved his voice, and his laugh.  But it meant we didn't get to have long conversations.  I didn't know anything about him beyond what he posted on facebook, and the activities we both participated in.
He was in The Wild Strawberries.  He sang on one track:

http://snd.sc/1a3oI6S

I'm planning on gathering all this info for Ziggy.  Braz's namesake.

I had posted on of his letters that he shared with us.  Read it again if you like:

http://beccasnb.blogspot.ca/2013/07/baby-names.html


I'm not sure where I am with his death.  I saw Braz once a month or so at different events.  He was a very very busy person.  Squeezing as much life out of his days as he could.  We did managed to connect one on one a few times, and it was lovely.  So I don't miss his presence daily.

He spoke about nature, and noticing things around us.  He told a story once about a day he was at the DMV or something.  I think it was before the cancer, but during the time he was in the process of having his throat surgery.  He wouldn't have been able to speak afterwards.
He was just out side, and it was a beautiful day.  There was a breeze, and he lifted his arms out and let it wash over him.  And he started to weep in the beauty of that moment.  When he opened his eyes again, there where people watching him.  His comment:  "Beautiful day eh?".
I have what I now call Braz moments.  Where it is just beautiful.  And I spread my arms and weep.  Weep from the simple beauty, weep because Braz isn't here to see beauty like it anymore, because I can't share it with him.


On our way home from the funeral J turned to me and said "why not Braz as a first name?"  So, if it suits, Ziggy will be named Braz, or Charlotte if it's a girl, after Braz's aunt (picked by him).  I can't think of a better tribute that we are in the position to give.



Tuesday, September 10, 2013

stuff

I have stuff to get off my chest, I just haven't known what or how to say it.

Ziggy is doing wonderful!  No worries there.  I'm doing well too.  (J as well!!)

I'll come up with something to say soon.  Just wanted to know I'm thinking of you out there in blog land.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

whooooaaaa we're half way the-re!

You are singing the rest right?

just a quick post to share the new images of Ziggy.

19w. 5d.  They call 20 weeks half way.  This dating thing is weird.  I thought 38 weeks was full term.  what ever!  We're halfway there!

LOOK AT ZIGGY'S SWEET FACE!!
The dark bits in his/her chest is the heart.


Both Jason and I thought we saw scrotum and penis.  but we're still keeping it a birth surprise, so the technician didn't linger, and didn't tell us.

I'm feeling HAPPY.  I haven't felt happy in a really long time.  I had moments of joy, and pleasure.  My daily feeling was 'grump'.  This past week or so I've woken up feeling GOOD. 

OMG!  I'm having a baby!!

Friday, August 16, 2013

17w 3d

That's 4 months to you!

I've been *terrible* at photos.  I'll take one today though.  I took one at about 3 months.  The comparison will be nice!


Nothing much has changed.

I have indeed got a little motivation back.  Still tired, but more motivated to get things done. 
That might have something to do with the the fact that I lost my job.  Long story short, I was not doing my job well.  I was finding being nice, and productive while pregnant really hard, apparently.

I say apparently because I can sometimes be clueless.  I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I have trouble seeing how my actions effect others (and then therefore, myself).  I was blindsided.  I don't think it was handled well, and I'm perusing action.  I don't expect much to come from it.  I can't imagine, other than 2 weeks termination pay, I'll get anything from it.  But I intend to rock the boat, just enough, for a couple higher ups to wonder what is going on.

So that has me just a little stressed out.  I trust we will be fine.  And even in my 'weak' moments of worry, I still believe it.


But back to Ziggy!  The exciting blessing of my life (uh oh, am I sounding like a sappy parent already!?)

I have been feeling movement, very randomly, since about 12 weeks.  At first it just feels like a whisper. 

But for the last 3 nights I've been feeling Pokes.  And last night I put my hand on my lower stomach and felt Ziggy poke my hand.  I had a giggling fit (with some tears) and debated waking J, but he had to get up at 5:30am, and it was already midnight.  Ironically (or whatever) I couldn't fall back to sleep and got up at 6:30. 

Thank goodness for naps (and not having to work so I can nap?)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

more posting?

Yesterdays Facebook update:

"Some upsetting news, I just got canned. 

I've been struggling at work, keeping up with Starbucks customer service standards. Getting defensive, and according to complaints, rude. My Store Manager is understanding, and we have been working on it, but most people don't go to her (she's new), they go directly to the District Manager. And I guess part of the DM's job is to get rid of people who are making customers unhappy. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but these hormones are getting the better of me. My behaviour is inexcusable, but understandable?? (esp. in the entitled ass beaches?)"

So many mixed emotions.  I was very unhappy, and I'm glad I don't have to go back.  But...MONEY!?

I have enough hours for maternity/parental leave.  

My first thought was to go get even a part time job to cover some expenses.  The problem with that, is it would be *those* hours that I get for mat leave.  Not a lot!

So, my next thought was E.I.  The DM gave me what she considered a so very generous offer.  I could take the rest of the week suspended with pay, and then quit, or 'come back' and have a meeting, where, in all reality, I would get fired (not laid off, misconduct fired).  

I've decided to 'quit'.  ('Cause God knows, if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be at a new job by now!)

There are 2 routes that I could take re. E.I..
I can claim I had just cause for quitting.  (pregnancy stress?  forced to quit?)
Or I can try and get my doctor to sign off on sick leave (stress being the reason)

If those don't pan out?  I hope I can find a full time job for 4-5 months.


I have faith it will all work out.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

15 Weeks

anyone curious??
ha ha ha

I think I just might be getting the 2nd trimester energy.

Maybe.  I *am* still in bed.  It's 9:25, I've been awake for almost 2 hours. 
I'm introducing Ziggy to Ben Harper right now.

We had the second midwife visit yesterday.
Last time we did all the history, had blood drawn, and had the first doppler and heard Ziggy's heart beat.  (so very exciting)

This visit was just an update.  Blood work was great.  There where concerns about my platelet count (I have a history of ITP) and iron levels.  Everything came back tickity-boo.  My blood pressure is normal and my uterus has grown to here it should be.  We got to hear the heart beat again.  152 beats.  I have a rec. for my 20 week ultrasound.


Everything has been pretty normal.  My 'morning' sickness is gone.  It was never so bad that I threw up, but it was a mighty nuisance.  I had some crazy pregnant lady moments, but all together I think I've been pretty stable hormone wise.  My boobs are a D cup (from a B).  Jason is enjoying that part.

I've started getting sciatica already.  Both from standing too long and sitting too long.  I keep forgetting to look up exercises to help that I can do at work to help.

5 months.  I plan on staying until Jan. 2 (I want that time and a half from new years day!!)  who knows.  I just have to take it a week at a time.  I need to give them 2 weeks notice.  I also need to research maternity leave.

Here is a photo Sister took on my birthday.  3.5 months!


Sunday, July 21, 2013

baby names

I have decided not to tell people the names we pick.  Not that at this point we've picked any.  Or, I have, and Jason shuts down everything I say.  I hope we don't call the kid, well, Kid.  I don't want people cringing at my favourite names.

We do have middle names.

My friend Braz is going though a pretty major journey.  I thought it would be nice to honour him.  We've decided if Ziggy is a boy we are giving him the middle name Braz.  Since Braz is not really a feminine name, I asked him if he had any girl names he would like to use.  He chose Charlotte.

This is what he said about the name, and why he chose it:

"Wow. That is so powerful and a huge honour. Thank you to you and J for the honour. My favourite girl's name is Charlotte, after my Great Aunt Lottie who was like my mother figure from my birth until she died when I was ten. She filled me with love, taught me to garden and bake and cook. She fully loved me as I was. She didn't have a competent husband so she became an entrepreneur in the 1950s . She was an expert baker and baked and cooked for wealthy families around the town. She made enough to live off. She was a big woman, strong and capable and quiet."

Pretty good legacy to continue, no?

Here is just a small part about why I wanted to honour Braz, and continue his name.  This is something wrote on facebook to keep his friends and family updated.  I felt not just updated, but feel blessed to be his friend.   I knew he was an amazing person before this.  This attitude is not new.  I want to share his words.  (with permission)  This is a lot of back ground, and I've bolded and italicized some bits that I find important.
16 July 2013 at 18:41
Reflections on the events of the last few days.


It has been a difficult few days.  I’ve been in my third week following my first chemo treatment.  I had been exhausted for most of the three weeks to the point where I could do very little other than sleep, shuffle about my condo, slowly eat the meals that my loved ones prepared for me, listen to music, and do a very small amount of composing.  I have only been able to sleep for a couple of hours at a time due to chest and back pain and breathing challenges.  In the second week after chemo I started having what they call “black, tarry stool”.  That is a sign of internal bleeding.  I put off going to emerg because I kept thinking it would clear up and kept imagining I was feeling better.  But I started having severe sweats and my fever would spike to 38.8 over a couple of days and I finally agreed to go to emerg.

On Sunday, B, my ex-partner and R, my girlfriend, and I went to M. Health.  We explained that I had advanced sarcoma, was receiving chemo, and had black stool and fever and sweats.  I really felt that I was there to get tested for infection and hadn’t been thinking about the internal bleeding because my stool had appeared to return to normal.  Given my situation, the emerg staff put us in a small, private room where we would spend the next 13 hours.  They took lots of blood in different shapes and sizes of containers to test for various possible infections.

The first doc we encountered decided to start intravenous antibiotics as a precaution.  However, he also had a nurse deliver three advil, a gravol IV bag and a morphine IV bag.  Chemo patients are not supposed to take advil, especially those with symptoms of internal bleeding.  I declined the advil, gravol and morphine and we got the IV antibiotics started.  They also gave me an IV bag of saline.

The room that we were in was the same room that I was put in a year and a half ago, when I was taken to emerg with a collapsed lung, pneumonia, pleural empyema, and a blood infection.  I almost died in that room last year when the docs just gave me morphine and told me to sleep.  I woke unable to breathe and sat upright and gasped until I got some air.  I leaned forward and found I was able to breathe a bit better.  I sat in that room for two days while we waited for a bed in the hospital.  I sat up at the bedside, leaning on the hospital table.  I didn’t sleep.  When I was transferred to a regular bed, they still didn’t know what to make of my situation and continued to give me morphine and added antibiotics.  I continued to sit up and lean on the table day after day.  I got a blanket brought from home and folded it into a sort of face pillow atop the table.  I had a crevice for my nose and would lay forward with my face on the blanket and doze for short periods.  I could barely eat and was getting delirious and was entirely exhausted.

On the fifth day, I was sent for yet another CT Scan – they had already done several – and a doc from the ICU, Dr. R, saw me and followed me back to my room and had me transferred immediately to the ICU.  They puzzled over what to do until a thoracic surgeon, Dr. L, was asked to look at me.  He ordered a surgical tray and right there at my bedside cut a hole into my chest to insert a garden hose-thick drain tube.  He couldn’t get the tube through the sticky fluid in my chest wall, so he pushed his rubber-gloved finger into my chest and wiggled it around to break up the obstacle.  Then he pushed the drain tube in.  The team of docs decided to inject my chest with a chemical cocktail which would loosen up everything in my chest.  They injected me then sealed the drain tube.  I laid on my side in excruciating pain for one hour.  It felt like my entire chest cavity was a bubbling cauldron.  My stepson, Rb, came to visit right during that hour and all I could say to him was, “this isn’t the best time for a visit”.  When the hour was up, they unsealed the tube and attached it to a drain box.  They also put two more, smaller, tubes into my back.  Over the next weeks, more than five litres of fluid drained out of my chest.  I could breathe again and started a very slow recovery.

It was strange being back in that same emergency room.  With the same side table.  I felt like I was visiting with an old war buddy.  I also had a lot of emotions that came with the memories.

We somehow got another doc assigned to us and he  came in to discuss the blood tests.  Nothing had shown up in terms of infection but he was concerned about my hemoglobin levels.  I had had a test the week before, and even though the black stool had stopped, my hemoglobin had dropped notably in just a few days.  He was concerned about internal bleeding and had a phone conversation with a doc from P M.  The local doc was leaning towards sending me there for emergency care but they decided together to give me a unit of blood and send me home.

It took them hours to get the blood match done and to start the transfusion.  Having confirmation that I was bleeding internally was a hard thing to hear, even though the black stool and severe exhaustion had suggested it.  While they started the transfusion I became very quiet and serious as my memory was dragged back to my teens.  When I was 15 years old I began having stomach troubles.  When I was 17 I began suffering severe fatigue, lethargy, exhaustion.  Blood tests showed low hemoglobin and eventually I fainted in the middle of my family doc’s waiting room while there for yet another checkup.  That got some serious attention and I was taken by ambulance to C. Memorial hospital.  They found my blood levels life-threateningly low and began the first of what would be many transfusions.  This was in the 1980s at the height of what would become the Canadian blood scandal.  It is no minor miracle that I escaped my many transfusions without AIDS or Hepatitis.

It took several years of testing in K, W, H and eventually, T, before they discovered that I had two haemangioma, benign tumours made up of densely packed blood vessels.  One was in my abdomen and one was in my throat.  Over those years, my life became a strange limbo.  I dropped out of school, was too tired to hold down a job, and spent a whole lot of time living in hospitals surrounded by elderly people and the very sick and dying.  It was a time of life when my friends and school mates where “at their peak” physically and doing all the things that teens do.  My life was limited to a small circle of friends, reading, listening to music, writing, and playing music.   I learned a lot from my time with the sick and dying, primarily to never take life for granted and to make sure I lived a life that I would not regret.  I saw the differences in how people die – how those who were at peace with the life they had lived died more peacefully.

Also over those years I had many, many blood transfusions.  It was a difficult time.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I wasn’t doing very much that was meaningful with my life.  I wasn’t getting better.  I was tested for every known disease before they discovered the haemangioma.  I eventually had two major surgeries to remove the tumours.  Those surgeries and the impacts on my life are another story entirely.

Laying in the emerg bed last Sunday, watching the blood slowly creep up the plastic tube toward my arm, I had all of those memories and emotions come back into my body.  The blood took a couple of hours and then they kept me longer because I had a fever.  They gave me Tylenol and another bag of saline before they let me go.   B had gone home to sleep but came back to pick up R and I.  It was 3am Monday when we got home.  We’d been at the hospital for 13 hours, but it felt like a lifetime.

I slept the best I could that night.  Spent a couple of hours on the couch then a few hours in bed, propped up on pillows.  My mind had sort of gone blank and my body felt distant and shut down.  On Monday I felt quite emotional and spoke with B and R about my memories and feelings.  Later in the day, my sisters, K and J and my niece, Kt, came to see me and we talked as well.  I had a lot of tears that day.  Tears for my teenage self in his fear and isolation.  Tears for myself of last year for the life and death struggle he endured.  Tears for my family’s pain and hardship.  Tears because I haven’t been able to do as much for my kids this last year as I would like and tears over the unknown about my cancer and the internal bleeding.

We had good chats and everyone was supportive and loving and I am deeply grateful for that.  I am blessed with the people who are caring for me in so many ways.   I was exhausted at the end of the day and slept the best I could.

Today, Tuesday, we had to get up early for an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. G., downtown.  This appointment was the check up prior to my next chemo treatment.  I was a bit anxious because I was going to get an x-ray that would tell us whether there was a sign that the chemo was working or not.   We arrived early, waiting a long time for the blood work to be done, then got the x-ray.  All the while two young researchers were recruiting me for a new talk therapy program for cancer patients that they were involved in developing.  Eventually, we saw Dr. G. and she told me the two things that I did not want to hear.  First, the x-ray did not look good.  She didn’t see any clearing and in fact my chest was more “full” than last time.  She doesn’t know how much is fluid and how much is tumours, but the bottom line was that she didn’t see an obvious indication that the chemo had affected the cancer in a positive way.

The second thing that she told me was that the diagnosis that had been done previously was not entirely accurate.  They had previously told me that I had one of two kinds of sarcoma – the kind that tended to respond well to chemo.  I was told then, that I was lucky.  Today they corrected that diagnosis.  Further testing on the sample showed that I have the other kind of sarcoma.  The unlucky kind.  The kind that tends not to respond to chemo.

B, R, K, and I all had some questions.  But I felt a heavy weight of disappointment drop onto me.  Everything that I have been enduring has been in the hope that the chemo would help reduce the cancer.  We still need to have a CT Scan to properly assess the status of the cancer and to see where the fluid is and how much there is.  But even the fact that so much fluid has accumulated in the last two weeks is not a good sign.

Dr. G wants to try a second round of the same chemo drug.  If that doesn’t show any results, she has one other drug to try.  She didn’t want to give me odds because she said that it works on some people and doesn’t on others.  If it works, your odds are 100%.  We can surmise what the odds are if it doesn’t work.

She is concerned about the bleeding and is going to give me two units of blood prior to the chemo treatment this Thursday.  They are also going to do another ultrasound-guided chest drain on Thursday.  They may also attempt to insert some substance into my chest to prevent the fluid from building up again.  It will be a long, long day at the hospital.

This has been a hard week.  The one positive is that all of the doctors who have seen me say that they are amazed at “how well I’m doing considering what the x-ray shows”.  I’ve been told that for months now.  My body is managing this heavy disease burden as well as possible.  I am glad that I have lived well, eaten well, exercised, cared for myself.  But I know that there are limits.   The flipside of the compliment is that the expectation is that I would not be doing well and therefore that I don’t have much more room for the cancer to spread before I will not be doing “well”.

I don’t know what to think or feel right now.  The scope of my health journey is almost too vast to process.  There are many biographical, emotional, and physical layers to what I’m experiencing.  I can only come back to what my core values are.  And they are to deal with the situation with as much courage and dignity as I can.  To be open to humour, although that has been a big challenge this week.  To be honest with everyone about what is happening.  To keep taking the best care of myself that I can.  To hold onto hope for healing while also being truthful with myself about my situation.  There are big things to be worried about now: the spread of the cancer and the internal bleeding.  But we are going to try round two of this chemo medicine and if that doesn’t work and my body is still holding up, we’ll try the other drug.  If that doesn’t work we will worry about it then.

I can’t help but think about dying.  About when I might die and how I might die.  But I’m not dwelling on that.  It is part of what I am experiencing but it is not happening right now.  Right now I am sitting on my couch, breathing in oxygen from my loyal oxygen concentrator.  My sister is resting in the other room.  R is painting.  B is out looking for a new couch for me.  I continue to be very blessed. 

I am also blessed with many, many family members and friends and acquaintances, and even total strangers, who are sending me good wishes, healing thoughts and energies, and prayers.  I take great comfort in that and I appreciate it with all of my heart. 

As my sister, K, has taught me to say to myself, although I feel useless sometimes because there is little that I can contribute right now, although I am exhausted all of the time, although I am full of cancer and bleeding inside, I love and accept myself fully.  I think that is the best we can do whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

I encourage you to appreciate whatever good is happening in your life right now.  Even something as simple as taking in a nice, full breath.  Or the feeling of laying down flat on your bed.  Or the sensation of walking.  Whatever you are facing, I encourage you to love and accept yourself fully. 

And I love you. "


There are of course, financial worries.  Braz has an album, and you can download it, or order a CD.  Buy it for the music.  It's pretty damn great, so it's a win win!!

http://herecomethefirehorses.com/

Thursday, July 4, 2013

an announcemnet

I'm Pregnant!

I've tried to keep it quiet.
Some people may have gleaned from how tired I am what the case may be.


I had an ultrasound Monday, and everything is just fine.  Good heartbeat.  Movement.

We've been calling the baby Ziggy.

Meet Ziggy!








Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Radio silence.

My apologies dear readers.
Things are going on, and I'm overwhelmed.  Not truly bad...just...more going on in the old brain pan, and when I sit down, my brain shuts off.  Or all  systems do.  I don't have to be 'on'?  ok.  beeeeew.  Shut down.  

It's not even really a time thing.  I have time to make.  Just no energy.


Maybe soon I'll get that energy back. 

I'm still here.  Now that May is done (oh, it's mid-June??) I have less going on.  May was 'circus' month.  More literal than figurative!

I was in 3 Lunacy Cabarets, I clowned for 3 days at the International Circus Festival, and I had my first professional (ie, I had a director, and, I get PAYED) clown turn.  It was fun.  but I'm glad it's over.  I've decompressed some (less than I'd like though), and now it's back to my regularly scheduled program.


I've made 3 menu plans that I'll be rotating.
I've committed to 30 minutes of house work everyday.


In a few weeks I'll reveal a surprise. 
Stay tuned!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

woooo boy!

I'm not very good at this blogging thing am I

I officially got a shift supervisor position.

In the Beaches.


Today was my last day at my current store.  I took 5 days off to volunteer at Toronto Clown Festival.  I'm glad I'll get a break between stores.


I have to say though.  I'm less than thrilled. 
The beaches is FAR.  And well, the beach people, they have a bit of a snobby reputation.  I'll also have to work the Jazz fest.  FML.  I thought I got away from street festivals!  *whhhaaaa*  Maybe I'll get to open those three days...

I want to be in a positive frame of mind.  I'm having trouble right now.  This has been a particularly odd month.  Maybe soon I'll be back to my happy, cynical self!!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

THE LAWN OF DOOOOOM

I took on being the grounds keeper for my dad and step-moms church.  Extra baby funds for when that happens.

They have a pretty big lawn.  And it is a maniac.  I took too long to mow it the first time...it was over a foot long in some spots.  In my defence, a week before, it had hardly started growing.

So I spent 7 hours.  YES.  7 hours (split by 3 days) cutting that damn lawn, literally inch by inch because the mower isn't powerful enough to take more than that when the grass is 6-13 inched long. 

I didn't learn my lesson the first time.  I got an e-mail from my step mom a week after I finished cutting (it was frappy week.  Ain't  nobody got time for that shit) asking when I was going to cut the lawn again.

I *had* planned on cutting it on Sunday.  Then it HAILED!  so a week and a half after I finished, (so like, 2 weeks after I started) it's back to being a foot high.  The mower is battery operated, so with how long it is, I can only cut for about an hour and a half each time! 

It will calm down some soon (omg I hope) so I can actually do some other gardening.  Like making it look pretty!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy happy happy Mother's day!!

I figured I'd just yank my status update from Facebook:

Dear moms to humans, moms to cats, moms to birds, dogs and rats, dads who have to be both moms and dads (for a weekend or a lifetime). Dear stepmoms, and other mother like ladies. Mothers of gardens and house plants. Dear moms that never had a chance to hold your babies, or only hold them once. 
 Happy Mother's Day.
 *edit*
 a freinds reminded me:
 the most important Mother of all:
 Mother Earth.
be nice to her too.     

Friday, May 10, 2013

Anxiety

So today I had a crazy bad anxiety attack.  The worst I've ever had.

I generally don't know what triggers them.  Sometimes i can guess.

This is my theory for this attack:

As you may have read in my last post, 5 days of happy crappy frappy hour in a row is down right ridonk.

5 days of super high adrenaline.  Then, I hit my thumb.  CAPOW!  my already quick beating heart took a big leap, and then, my damn lizard brain thought a velociraptor or a rabid raccoon was after me and it was all I could do to keep filling milk and making sure the lids where stocked instead of dropping the pitcher and running away. 




I kept myself busy until the end of the rush, and only shed a couple tears by the garbage cans.

Then it was break time.  And break down time.  I couldn't hold it together anymore.  

I'm really lucky.  Everyone understood, and left me alone.  40 minutes later, my heart was *still racing*.  I was able to keep my breathing even, and that helped.  Concentrating o my breath.

The 'tape' in my head went something like this:

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  just breathe.  dude, just breathe.  goddamnit i'm letting everyone down.  just breathe.  face it.  don't fight it.  Oh hai anxiety.  fuck I'm letting everyone down aaarrrggggg!"

and my heart just wouldn't slow down.


the worst part about anxiety attacks for me is what they look like on the out side.
They look NORMAL.  It took 20 minutes before anyone realized anything was wrong.  And only because I wiped one tear away that escaped.

Here. In the (very loose, and not nearly as good or funny) style of Allie Broch, I drew you some pictures!


This is what I *look* like when I'm having an anxiety attack.  Oh, that monster, its what's scaring me, it's *why* I'm freaking out.  but on the inside *next slide please*


This is how I *feel*  my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm scared shitless.  (no spell check, I don't mean shirtless)



Today was so bad I couldn't talk my self out of it.  I think that is when meds might help.

One thing I think I should have done was take a walk.  I didn't want to leave work though.  And, I've also stolen The Bloggess' phrase, but different.  Anxiety Lies.  (she says Depression Lies, and that's true too)

So really, I did all I could do.  My manager was awesome, and so where my co-workers who where supposed to have me for another 1.5 hours. 

I came home, and had a lavender bath.  Preceded first with hugs from J natch.

It ended.  Like it always does.  And always will.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I'm still here!

I
am
exhausted.


I don't know if it's a change of seasons, or my body's response to stress ("so much going on!  just sleeeeeeep", or maybe I'm pregnant.  regardless. 

I
am
exhausted.

Working 5 Crappy Frappy Hours doesn't help.
In case you are not a Starbucks patron, between 3 and 5pm, from May 3 - May 12 all frappuccinos are half off (OMG, this is not an advertisement!  PLEASE for the love of god, for the love of your favourite barista (me!?) and for the love of you health, don't go!!!)

I asked J to guess how many we make in the 2 hours.  He guessed 60. 

Now you go, what is your guess?

Our biggest number of Frappuccinos in 2 hours:
250.  Yes, that's one frapp every 30 seconds.  With a SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

There are 2 people making these drinks.  2 people on till and one person 'running' for the baristas.  Refilling everything (I refilled 6-10 4 L bags of milk.)

It is exhausting.  And being the runner is the crazy easy job (if you are good at it like I am *wink wink*)

Hutch will have done 8 days in a row tomorrow.  I will have done 5.  It's a living hell.  2 partners in our district *quit*.



ANYWAY.  lol.  Pardon my rant. 

I'm trying to continue to eat healthy, but it's so very hard being so exhausted (are you tired of that word yet??) 

I found a juicer for $8 at Value Village!!  so for the past 5 days I've been making the most delicious drink.

I juice one beet, one carrot, one apple, 1/4 of a cuccumber, and a good hunk of ginger.  *then* because my juicer is a cheap version and doesn't juice leafy greens, I put a large handful of spinach in the blender, along with frozen blueberries, blackberries and cherries and blend with the juice. 

it is just.  wow.  Even J, the beet hater likes it!

the down side is my pee is this ridiculous colour.  The beets, and my prenatal vitamins make for this really dark orange pee.  I was starting to get really worried, then I realized it was the beets!!

Friday, May 3, 2013

oh, it's only May 3rd

I've been going rather crazy lately.  I've been looking so much into the future, regarding all the stuff I have going on this month.

I thought I had this weekend off, when in reality, I have *next* weekend off. 

I *wish* it was a week from now!

'Cause this week, is Crappy  Happy Frappy Hour.  Which in reality is 2 hours of  half price Frappuccinos.   My 'bucks is across the street from a high school.

*finger gun to temple-brains in the frapps*

I know it's not their fault, because their brains are not fully developed, BUT THEY ARE SO DUMB.


and they explode muffins.

Monday, April 29, 2013

half a dozen

I've started half a dozen posts this week!

I think the problem is that I've got a lot going on in my head!

a list if you will:

-The impending Starbucks promotion.
          I hate that this is taking up so much of my brain power.  Being conniving is not in my nature.  It also saddens me that I need to be conniving for a job I'm practically already doing.  And one that is only $1 an hour more than I'm making now.

- I submitted a 15 minute turn to Toronto Festival of Clowns and got accepted!
          Now I have 5 weeks to perfect this turn.  I feel ill (in a good way!) every time I think about it. 

- My new way of eating
          No sugar is way hard!  Making sure I have food to eat so I don't eat junk is hard.  I just have to keep on keeping on, because I DO feel better.

- Baby making
          Still going at it.  (ha ha)

- Getting to the gym
          I need to get fit!  No sugar help keep me slim, but I am SO out of shape.  Tai chi and weight lifting are in order.  Working almost 40 hours a week makes it hard. 

- Performances other than Festival of Clowns
          I have 2 other performances coming up for Lunacy Cabaret too!!  I've done both before, so it's just a matter of rehearsing a couple times.


I'm not sure, other than going day to day, what will make this next month easier.
I'm not feeling too over whelmed.  But I find myself split.  I'll start one thing, and jump to another. 

Focus.  I need to focus.  Good food will help with that.

Friday, April 19, 2013

no sugar fail

You may have noticed my sugar free ticker is back to 1.

I had a fail day today.  I was feeling rather grumpy.

I got written up at work.  A customer decided that they wanted to cause a ruckus, and came into the store with an agenda.  When things didn't go their way (for a $1 off coupon!) they contacted my district manager, and I got blamed.  My manager didn't want to write me up because she saw I really was in the right, but she feels she has to play the game too.  My promotion is not in jeopardy, she made that clear.

(the guy didn't give me a chance to 'just say yes'.  He was all wham bam I want your district managers number.  Fucker)

So grump.  I didn't binge.  But I did consciously eat sugar and wheat.


The nice thing is.  Tomorrow.  It's another day.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

One week (plus) - no sugar

It's been 11 days!

I had two oopses.  I put ketchup on my fries.  At least it was organic?  And the sandwich meat had sugar in it.  Damn hidden sugar!

oh, and I licked a bit of caramel.  Just for the taste.  Two licks and I threw it out.


Day 3 was the hardest.  I guess it was when my body started to clue in.

*TMI WARNING*

I was also *very* bloated and gassy.  It was foul.  I chalk that up to the death of yeast.  Apparently if the yeast dies too fast the toxins can actually harm you.  I'm glad I'm taking it slow, and not doing the full on candida diet.  The candida diet is no sugar at all, not even fruit sugar.  And certain vegetables are off the list too, things like carrots and sweet potatoes. 

I have just started menstruating, and I had a pretty big chocolate craving yesterday.  To celebrate my one week I allowed myself a feather of chocolate, made with agave.


The biggest problem I have encountered this week was a pretty big IBS flareup.  I actually left work early, and left them in the lurch. 


The saddest part for me is that I really haven't felt any better.  I'm going to keep going though.  What I've read says that yeast die off makes things worse.



I've been reading Megan Telpner's UnDiet.  A lot of it I know.  Very basically, eat whole foods, stay away from sugar, alcohol and caffeine.  She goes into what a calorie is, and why we should ignore them.  We need to drink more, and almost only water.

She goes into cravings, and habit changing.  

All in all I'm inspired to keep making changes to my lifestyle.  Because she doesn't just talk about diet.  This has to be my new life.





Tuesday, April 9, 2013

a Start Local update

It's been a bit since I've talked about Start Local, and living local.

That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it though!

I think I've figured out what living local means to me.


First I look for product that was made in Canada.  Or really, as close to my home as possible.  Sometimes that means Ontario, and sometimes that even means Toronto.  Being in a big city means I have the luxury to get on the ttc and seek out Toronto made items.

Then I need to stick to my small independently owned stores.  My green grocers and butchers.  Rather than Lablaws or Soby's.  When I need to go to a larger store for things like toilet paper in more than 4 rolls (and eco friendly) I will go to an independently owned grocery store like No Frills.  We had a local independent large grocery store, but it close recently. 


I'm challenging myself to buy one thing a week local that I normally wouldn't.  Go to the butcher, farmers market, health food store, small pharmacy.

I live in a neighbourhood that has all that and more for me to shop local.  I don't want anymore good stores to close in my 'hood because I was being lazy!


The Start Local team has a trailer ready!  Click HERE to watch!


Monday, April 8, 2013

sugar free - day one

I did it!  I didn't eat sugar today!
oy.

I'm including any sweetener, including maple syrup and honey.
I need to make strategies to keep it up though.

I need ready snacks, and drinks for at work.  For now I'm going to include things with fruit.  I can weed them out once I get hard core.
I'm also sticking to whole foods.  No chips,  processed or other junk food either.

Celery and nut butter
Nori
Dried fruit
Nuts and seeds
yogourt and fruit
Banana bread made with dates/apple sauce rather than sugar
beef jerky, home made
kim chi
crackers, home made
Veggies, veggies and more veggies and dip - guacamole!  Hummus!

I've got 2 days off, and I'll try to get as much of this prepped.

I've got to think about drinks too.  I can have tea!  I'd like to stay away from coffee too.  We have hot tea and cold tea.  For now I can drink apple juice if I'm feeling like I want something sweet.  I can also have the smoothies for now, as well as the juice we add to it.


I just need to create new habits. 
I can do this, and be healthy.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

boooooobs (uh, tmi if you don't want to hear about my 'cycle')

yes, that's right.  Boobs.

Lately I have had the unfortunateness (shut up spell check, it is SO a word) of sore breasts during the last 2 weeks of my menstrual cycle.

One of the annoying PMS symptoms that is *also* a pregnancy symptom. 


I thought last month was bad.
Sheesh.

This month I can't do anything with out my boobs hurting.  Wearing a bra, not wearing a bra.  Sports bra, underwire, no wire.  No dice.  Walking, running, standing, laying down; on my back or side or front.  I am walking around moaning "booooooooooobs"

Picture if you will; I am wearing a turquoise pashmina tied around my chest.  Why?  maybe the colour helps...

I googled "breast soreness remedies"

I need to:
eat flax
take calcium and magnesium
take evening primrose oil
Put cabbage leaves on my breasts
cold compress
hot compress
and take asprin, or tylonal.

I also decided to ask Facebook.

My friends decided I have candida. 

So I googled *that*.
All the tests and quizzes I did say I more than likely have candida.


I looked at all the candida diets.

*sadface*

I'm going to quit refined sugar right now.

After I get my period I will start hard core.  That will be the 17th or so.
I'm putting it off because we *are* trying to get pregnant, and I don't want to go too drastic if I happen to be. 

That means:
no sugar.  Only stivia to sweeten *gag*.
no fruit.  smoothies! *sob*
no caffeine.  "oh, no starbucks patron, I don't drink anything in the store."
no alcohol (meh)
no gluten (what eves)
no legumes
no starchy veg
no yeast
no cheese, milk

For now.  no sugar no gluten, and more flax and cabbage.

On the plus side, I can eat fermented veg...
I can make kim chi, and sauerkraut and yogourt.

Does ceasar dressing count??


On another note.  I *have* been feeling rather yucky lately.  I also think I have something wrong with my gallbladder.  Odd pain in my lower right rib area.  I'm making an appointment with my doctor to get checked out, and I'll mention this candida thing.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Smoothie majik

My friend Kate often posts about the smoothies and other delectable healthy food she makes.  One day she she said she put cilantro in her smoothie.  I was inspired.

I made a peach cilantro smoothie, and then next day, a peach, strawberry smoothie.


Peach Strawberry Cilantro Smoothie
Plug in your blender.
Plop in
a banana
6 strawberries, leaves and all.  The leaves apparently are full of vitamins too.
6 slices (or one whole, minus the pit) peach
1/2 cup of yogourt
2 tbsp OJ concentrate
a large handful  of washes cilantro
Pour coconut water half way up
full the rest of the way up, to just under where the other ingredients stop, with water

Blend!  (oh, put the lid on first)

This made about 1 litre of smoothie.


I was in smoothie heaven.  I kept saying "mmmmm" out loud.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Well!

*that* was a cruddy blogging week.  My apologies.

I'm finding myself wondering what to write about these days. 

I don't feel like I have a lot of fun/ny stuff going on.  and I don't what to winge all the time!


Currently I'm trying to finish up writing a 15 minute clown turn for submission for @toronto Festival of Clowns.

I'm feeling really nervous about it. 


What else is going on here?

Starbucks update:
I'm on a Partner Development Plan.
Where you pick 3 things to improve, What you can do to improve them, and what success will look like.  It feels like a punishment, but I've been assured it's just so the DM has results to see, so she can tell the RM (Regional Manager) that things are happening.


Baby news: 
I feel like the old adage "no news is good news" doesn't fit here. 
We're still actively trying.  That's it!



We're just living our lives.
My eating habits have slid again.

I found some inspiration in a Toronto "nutritionista".  Meghan Telpner.  I don't know a lot about what she does yet, but she's written a book called Undiet.
From what I've seen and read she's all about whole foods as 'medicine'.  She 'cured' her Crohn's Disease, and now teaches and writes.  (She is a nutritionist as well, as is her hubby, so she's not just doing this off the cuff)
She teaches a class called "Culinary Nutrition Expert" and I hope to take it soon. 

I think I know a lot about what she is talking about.  I know I need to Eat gluten free, and whole foods.  Sometimes it's overwhelming.  Maybe reading, and following the book will heal.  Then to get hands on?  Amazing. 

Back after I hurt my shoulder at Ace Bakery I had been looking at doing the Holistic Nutrition course Sister ended up doing, so something like this is right up my ally.  Maybe we can do it together!

Monday, March 25, 2013

the stuff I didn't toss back

The last few weeks of stuff I thought was neat:

Very cool plastic wrap alternatives.  Bee's Wraps!




Some silly fun





Mario bros. subway map!




Thumbs up instead of guns!





Super cool marble machines.  Click the link for videos!



Oh Canada...?...




I pranced around too