gah!

my laptop broke (again!?)
our desktop is also our tv, so taking the time to write a full blog post is hard.  I don't want to hog.

so it might be a bit before I get a good post out. 

stay tuned!

What!? people still *think* like that!?

So, I allowed myself to get *really* angry the other day. 
A friend said something along the lines of "Nuite Blanch was great!  I had a great time.  Except for all the drunk people." in a status update on Facebook.   Peoples general responses where along the lines of "yea, it was crazy down town" and "I even saw 14 year olds drinking!". 

But one woman said (to paraphrase)  "I was down with my pre-teens and would have never allowed them to be on their own!  I was really uncomfortable down town with them because of all the drunk people.  (...) I don't want to sound racist but...I did feel a little safer because everyone was white."

I sat there *literally* sputtering for words.

There was a little bit of back and forth, Her saying something along the lines of "well you obviously don't have preteens because you would know that they have limits"

Someone else said "oh fuck right off".  She said "nice language sir".  More back and forth about how her language wasn't any better.
There is some reference to hip hop,
and then she says:

"well, drunk white kids don't carry guns"



I was in a rage. 

My heart was pounding and I was shaking.  I said some choice words as well.  (I repeated "oh fuck right off", in caps, and asked her when she studied white kids with guns vs. non white kids with guns)

I know that  my reaction wasn't going to teach her anything.  It was pure fight or flight.  I *still* haven't learned not to type when I'm upset.

I was just so in shock that people still think that way.  That racism was still alive and will.  Full on racism.  Not just stereotypes.  But actual FEAR of someone who is not the same colour as you.

I obviously live in a nice little bubble.

Maybe I can become a hermit.

a week of nothing at all

I try not to complain. 

So I'll whine instead!

Sunday night, while visiting my Grandparents I was getting sore throat and coughy


Let me add some good stuff to break up the whine.  Some photo creations from a while back with Grandma and Grandpa:

Then Monday I went to work miserable and got sent home early.  The good thing was that I actually went in because one of our staff called in sick with pneumonia!

I ended up calling in sick for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was SO sick.  Body ache, sinus pressure, snot, cough.  Pain.  None of my normal remedies seemed to work.  At one point J gave me a T2 with codeine, and that worked...and then it wore off.  What a sad realization!

I went to the clinic to get a doctors note, and my own doc. was available.  She was able to be a little more 'thorough' than the walk in would be.  She thought I had a sinus infection (I do not) so gave me anti-biotics. I decided not to take them, but later that night J, the nurse, said he didn't like the way my cough was sounding and said I should take them.   So I begrudgingly did.  *harrumph*  turns out, it was a good thing I got the 'script.  I coughed up...well, never mind.  The infection seemed to have taken up residence in my bronchial tubes instead.  And with the scare of my co-worker and her being sick for 3+ weeks and developing pneumonia (and this year my friend Beat was hospitalized with it, and other complications) I don't want a bacterial infection getting out of control!  Even after only one dose my energy is back up some.  Now that my body doesn't have to fight so hard.

So not only did I miss 2 full days at the coffee shop, I came to the realization that there was no way I could physically do the garden maintenance.  *sigh* 

and I've booked off 5 days for thanksgiving!  I do have vacation hours that I can bank, thank goodness.

The lesson.  Be aggressive, be-e aggressive.  And demand one day off a week.  No wonder I got sick, from migraine to this.  No days off.

I'm not wicked!  WHAAAAAAAAAAA.


(and don't worry, I'm taking pro-biotics between doses and will double up once the bottle is empty)

crushing

I'm married, love, and am attracted to my J, and, I still get crushes.

I think the worst part about them isn't the fact I get them.  I've come to terms with being attracted to someone else.  At first it was really upsetting.  I didn't want to leave J to be with this person, but wow was he cute and crushable.  Why the heck did I feel like this??  Luckily, and though actual work, J and my relationship is great, and I have no desire to leave him.  I guess it just happens.  People aren't robots with 'crush' switches.

The worst part about my crushes is that I get possessive, and I feel hurt when my crushes crush on other people.  When they spend time with *other* friends of mine, and maybe even hook up.

I often, and not just in this type of situation, find my mind split.  This time it's split between "If *I* can't have him NO ONE CAN!  MINEMINEMINE *pout*"  and "Hey, that's a pretty good match, she's got what he wants/likes and well, he's awesome.  I hope it works!"

I think some of this stems from the fact that, until I was married (or in my other long term relationship with Pants), I ended up getting involved with most of my guy friends (the ones who didn't have girlfriends).  I've got it ingrained in my little brain.  Boys I like=Major crush=pounce.  And it's specific to boys too.  I haven't had a crush on a girl since high school.

I can see now, how people cheat long term, rather than leaving their spouse.  You have a good thing going at home, but it's a little broken (poor communication?) and this new and exciting thing is happening.  New and exciting is well, new and exciting. 

No wonder men buy fancy new cars during their mid life crisis! 

overwork, over tired, oversick

I haven't had a day off in...I don't know when. 

I had a week long migraine, then I did a cleans that left me with no energy (I stopped) and NOW I'M SICK. 

I've missed several gatherings and this makes me sad. 

This made me happy today though.

I'm a big Radiohead fan.  So, it's not the lyrics, but the way one of my favourite songs has been done. 

Chrismas making goal

This year, I don't want to buy ANYTHING for my Christmas making.  I want to use only things I have in the house!

That means Christmas cards too.

I had decided to knit socks for my intimidate family, and I *think* I just might have enough yarn for that.

I also have a few other ideas as well that I think I can pull off.  I will have to buy magnets and glue.  But that's it!  (and I think that's fair right?)

suicide

Today, Sept 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I have been so very blessed not to have been depressed enough to ever consider it. 
I've been blessed not to have anyone close to me try to, or commit suicide.

But people close to me have had people close to them commit suicide.  And the effects.  wow.

In the side bar "becca reads" the author of the blog RRSAHM's husband committed suicide, and although I've never even interacted with her, I've read her journey.  I found her blog though The Bloggess, who tipped me off about todays day.


One thing The Bloggess says is "drepression lies!"


I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist or a psychoanalysis or trained in any sort of shrinking of heads.

But I do believe that these hard subjects need to be brought into the light.

There is no shame in feeling so low.
In feeling worthless.

Remember that your brain is playing tricks on you.  And there are people who love you, even if you don't see them.  People who want you around.

If you don't feel you can talk to a friend, there are many many help lines.

for all of Canada:
1-800-448-3000

For Toronto:
1 (416) 408 4357


The Bloggess wanted to talk about some of the positives that might get you through the day.  here are a few of mine that help me get out of bed when I really don't want to, some might seem silly, but really

if it helps it helps.


Today my joys are:

waking up next to J.
layering my skirts and making them swoosh
knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and my mom and sister are there.
brand new tiny tart macintosh apples.  they are the highlight of my year...really.


what are the things that help you though tough times, silly, serious, sappy or what ever does it, what it is for you??