oh the discomfort!

My midsection is in a fairly decent amount of pain.  I believe it has to do with inflammation in my bowels.  (YAY!  more bowel talk!)  It is referring into mainly my right hip and lower back, but lately my whole leg and into my left side too.  My joints hurt.  My mom has been going through something similar (but more complex I think)  A major change in her diet helped a lot. 

I've been thinking about going off refined sugar (yea, I said I was, I didn't!), and grains.  A lot has to do with random bits of information gleaned for different places, including my moms success.  There is This article about the sun and avoiding sunburn. (I'm planning on not wearing sunscreen this year!  maybe I'll write about that soon)

SO I want to go for the paleo diet. 

Basically, the Paleo Diet consists of eating meats, veggies, healthy fats (coconut oil, avocados, nuts, eggs), and fruit. It eliminates grains (especially ones that contain gluten, but also rice and corn), refined sugars, dairy, vegetable oils, legumes (including peanuts), potatoes, and soy. The diet encourages organic foods as much as possible and grass-fed meats that are antibiotic and hormone-free.

(This woman is a wee bit...Christian-preachy for my taste, but it doesn't come through in her blog posts/recipes)

*deep breath*  I always seem to FAIL at these kind of things.  I'm *hoping* that I can stick it out long enough to see the benefits.  Ms. Unrefined (from above link) talks about the benefits she sees: 

Here are some of the things I have noticed in my life as a result of switching to the Paleo Diet:
1. Hormonal stability/balance 
2. More energy
3. More motivation
4. Clarity of thought/less spacey
5. Increased memory
6. Less sleepy
7. Less headaches
8. Increased circulation (I’m not as cold as I used to be though this winter will be an excellent test for that.)

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for all that to happen for me.  She doesn't talk about her guts, but a lot of other stuff I've read talks about it helping with that too.

J pointed out that I need to up my abdominal strength too.  They aid in digestion as well.  This will help with back stability.

I need to start my weekly menu planning again.  That is always a help.

I'm so tired of feeling like shit!  I want to talk more about my mental health too, but that is for another day.

just now

I decided just now that I'm wishing myself a happy mothers day.  I didn't carry Rizo to term, but the amount of love I felt, that amount of joy I felt, well, I'm sure it will be 100000000000000 x's more once we do carry to term and have a baby, but I was a mother.

*sigh* I guess I'm not 'past' it, 'cause I'm crying.  I guess those certain dates will get to me every so often.  All I have to do is allow myself to feel sad, and keep living my life. 

When my first major relationship ended my mom said, "just take it one breath at a time"  and so I do.



There is a huge range of emotion in me right now.  I have this HUGE feeling of JOY for Sherri, Rob and Owen (my cousin who just had her baby), This first Mother's day.  I'm happy they are safe, I'm happy they are happy, I'm so pleased to have another member of our family to love.
And then way at the other end, I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I wanted Rizo so much.  I don't feel any ill will towards anyones new beginnings, I just want one for ME.  *pout*
Sometimes acceptance isn't enough.  It helps, but knowing the *answer* would be oso nice.

And in the middle?  I feel tired.  I'm just tired.  Tired of worrying about money, tired of working 13 days out of 14.  Tired of not having energy to be intimate with my husband.  Sad I take what energy I have to do laundry instead. 

The weather is terrific, and I splendour in it (yes, yes I do ha.)  My next organics bin will have fiddleheads and new asparagus, and this makes me excited...
But I'm still tired, and my feet hurt.

it's been a week

and I don't have anything to say.
lets ramble for 10 minutes and see what comes out.


I just heard back from an old friend (on FB, she lives far away, and I haven't seen her in person in at least 10 years) who is 'allowed her friends back' now that her and ex have separated.  I started to cry in pitty for the man, and said out loud, "oh (soandso), you manipulative bastard".  This is his second failed marriage.  I don't want to blame it on him entirely, but there is a pattern emerging.  I knew this guy at the end of our teens.  looking back I can see the slight tendency for this kind of manipulation, but I don't think anyone would have thought he could be such an ass.  I don't know the whole story, but I know some of the story from his first ex.  He's the kind of person who sees abuse as physical, "so what is her problem?  I don't beat her!?" kind of attitude.

I'm proud of this girl for getting out too.  She hasn't had an easy go of it.  I'm glad she's back in my (online) life

exercise: is that why I feel so good?

So, I went to the Y 2 days in a row.  I feel, mentally SO GOOD.  Physically.  SORE.  But mostly in that good way.  With my new plan of action, and my commitment to my daily chores, getting to the Y 3-4 days a week is very important to me.  I remember why now. 
I feel good. 

I was starting to wonder if it was hormonal...and it might be a factor, but after sitting at home for 3 days sick, getting out and moving felt so good.  Working out and grimacing though shaky abs and sweat in your eyes suck, but the after effect is great. 

Like The Bloggess says, DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD (I always add "and anxiety!").  I so get that when you are in the middle of it it's hard to stop and say, oh, right, depression/anxiety lie! and hit the gym.  But maybe just maybe you trust someone enough to have them drag you out for a walk/run/bike ride/yoga/Zumba!.  I'd suggest making a plan.  Plan with someone when you aren't in the middle of it.  Plan something you know you like, something that is not new.  Also plan this with someone who will not get angry at you when you tell them to fuck off.

I know this doesn't cure mental illness, but the effects of exercise help deal with it better.  All those good chemicals released into your brain, feeling stronger, and looking fitter.  Feeling flabby and weak makes me, well, feel flabby and weak.  I like looking and feeling strong.  (and those two handfuls at the back of my thighs don't help either as much as I hate to admit it)

I've been working on my defensive attitude, esp. in regards to J, because he sees and interacts with me most, I need to remember he's on my side, and when he tells me it's time to get to the Y, he's just trying to help.

The second motive for getting to the Y 3-4 times a week is to actually be in good shape for Project makeBaby 2.0, I slagged off last time, and I'm glad to have another chance to be healthy.
Ka, can't get away from it, so I may as well not fight it.