just now

I decided just now that I'm wishing myself a happy mothers day.  I didn't carry Rizo to term, but the amount of love I felt, that amount of joy I felt, well, I'm sure it will be 100000000000000 x's more once we do carry to term and have a baby, but I was a mother.

*sigh* I guess I'm not 'past' it, 'cause I'm crying.  I guess those certain dates will get to me every so often.  All I have to do is allow myself to feel sad, and keep living my life. 

When my first major relationship ended my mom said, "just take it one breath at a time"  and so I do.



There is a huge range of emotion in me right now.  I have this HUGE feeling of JOY for Sherri, Rob and Owen (my cousin who just had her baby), This first Mother's day.  I'm happy they are safe, I'm happy they are happy, I'm so pleased to have another member of our family to love.
And then way at the other end, I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I wanted Rizo so much.  I don't feel any ill will towards anyones new beginnings, I just want one for ME.  *pout*
Sometimes acceptance isn't enough.  It helps, but knowing the *answer* would be oso nice.

And in the middle?  I feel tired.  I'm just tired.  Tired of worrying about money, tired of working 13 days out of 14.  Tired of not having energy to be intimate with my husband.  Sad I take what energy I have to do laundry instead. 

The weather is terrific, and I splendour in it (yes, yes I do ha.)  My next organics bin will have fiddleheads and new asparagus, and this makes me excited...
But I'm still tired, and my feet hurt.