a dream

I had a telling dream last night!

In my dream I broke my right lower thumb bone, and my left pinkie (again!).  The hospital staff just realigned the bones and said "just don't us your hands".  No cast, no brace, no nothing. 

That's kinda how I'm feeling right now.  *helpless*
(we're having a tiny bit of financial trouble, don't worry....we'll get out of it!)


My spirits are amazingly fine...August has just been an odd month

Any way, I just really wanted to share my dream.  I hope it's not one of my prophetic ones!!!

oh hai!

Yesterday was our friends Foxes and Dragon's wedding day.

The night before I think, "I wonder if they have a photographer"
On the off chance J knew I asked, and our friend Mouse was taking photos.

I knew I'd bring my camera, but I spoke to Foxes and Mouse to 'clear it' that I could be 'A Photographer'.
So I was, and I did.

and

It Was Good.


This was the first time since Feb./March that I had, in earnest, picked up the camera.

I immediately edited a few teaser shots for FB consumption.
Here they are for you to view too:

The wedding was beautiful.


I think I just reignited my photography passion too.

just a reminder

I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that I'm not in dire straights and 'just' had a particularly bad day yesterday.

there are no thoughts about harming myself (or others!)

it's just a little darker than normal, but I'm not so deep that I can't see that I'm ok.  I'm aware enough now to see that I am struggling.  That's the first step right?

xxoo

right in the middle-welcome to my breakdown.

I anticipated some sort of breakdown in the near future.  Rizo was due Sept 2 (3?) so I expected to feel down.  I felt sad during mOOseman and we had a little weep.  Today however.  BLAM. 

For the past week or so my body has been very sore.  More than usual.  Headaches and lower back mainly, but my hips too. 

I think this whole time (the last 6 months) I've been depressed.  Not full on stay in bed all day depression, but I've been tired and achy and 70% sad.  It only hit me today that, that is what is happening.  All as I walked to work, trying to hold it together and not freak the people on the street by bawling.  Weeping behind sunglasses and talking to yourself is 'bad' enough.

I felt rather cruddy yesterday, and today, wow.  Just. Yuck.  weepy and SO sore.  I managed to stay out of bed all day.  I even went to the Y!  I had planned on walking home but I was too tired and drained.  It wasn't until about 3pm that I really cried, and 15 minutes before I had to leave for work I started to breakdown.  Lucky for me I have an amazing manager, and today's schedule lent it self well to having me not be there.


The interesting part about my panic/anxiety/depression attacks is that I have no internal 'tape' going.  I'm not thinking bad thoughts about myself, or others.  I'm not thinking about harming myself.  I just feel this HUGE fear.  I feel scared/sad/upset for no apparent reason.  When I was a teenager, and felt similarly, I would come up with reasons, and get upset with friends (mainly Mr. Smith).

(shit, I just had an 'aha' moment regarding why I was violent with my sister...those feelings with no reason...!!!  damn)

Being in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) didn't really work for me because I *don't* have those thoughts (I'm worthless, everyone hates me...I don't know what all)  I just felt. 

I assume my feelings today are about Rizo. 

The things I've learned about Buddhism and specifically tonglen practice have helped me most with this.
And allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling.   I do have meds that I can take when I have to (for work, I can't afford to miss any more...now *that* thought leads me spiralling down more that anything, and that's where CBT comes in handy)


I want to take a week off, and I have about 30 hours of vacation pay.  I may do it.  Spend the week on the island, just being.

once again...I have no stucture.

I can't seem to keep structure in my life.

Paleo went down the tubes.  I'm getting back on track now. 
I never ever did my chore list.  ever.  I don't think I even got through a week.
My morning to do is on the fridge...not motivating me.  Not getting done.

Our apartment is a gigantic mess.
And I haven't baked in weeks (partly due to the heat...)
I haven't been to the Y in several months.  

I have no structure here.  How do I expect people (who don't know and like me) to stick around when I blog once a week about...???

So?  what am I going to do about it? 

I HAVE NO FLAPPING CLUE.

I'm really even feeling like I'm complaining about this.  It's just a Fact.

I wanted to get the heck organised and in better shape before we start trying again.  I had 6 months.  I allowed myself some time for mourning. 
Maybe it just took me 6 months to mourn?

But regardless of that, this seems to be a trend.  You can pat me on the head and say it's ok to take 6 months.  Alas, some of that would just be an excuse. 

I've taken 6 months away from photography.  I have no motivation since the miscarriage.  NONE.  I've *just* started to 'see' again.  (I didn't take a single shot at Mooseman)

I suppose the first step is recognising.  and heck, didn't it take me over a year last time?  so, from April to now is a step up.

heh.

*phew* or a cange is (hopefully) as good as a rest

It's been a while eh?
Lots of stuff on my mind.  So much it's buzzing around like crazy.  But nothing to concern you with!  (packing lists and who did I forget to e-mail, and OMG!  I'M GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS!!) 

I'm going on an extra long weekend camping trip, just like last year.  With and extra day!  yip yip yoop!

J can come this time!  A blessing and a *wee* bit of a curse!  I'm so glad he's coming so so glad he can experience this.  But part of me is a possessive freak and doesn't want to share!  ha!  I'm a jerk.  Can I blame my little sister for not wanting to share?  I hate sharing!

Aaaaaaannnnny who. ahem.

I hope I have enough feathers.  I hope I have enough cute clothes (OMG  who but a burner thinks about looking super cute and having enough feathers and flowers on a *camping* trip!)  I also hope I can fit all out food in the cooler!!

They say a change is as good as a rest (cause, if  you clicked on the above link, you'll know how tiring this whole weekend will be!!) I hope that's true, because I'm tired.  That could also be attributed to the fact that I went to bed at 2am and am up at 7!! 

*can't sleep...too excited!*

I hope I can sleep in the car!