Wednesday, August 22, 2012

right in the middle-welcome to my breakdown.

I anticipated some sort of breakdown in the near future.  Rizo was due Sept 2 (3?) so I expected to feel down.  I felt sad during mOOseman and we had a little weep.  Today however.  BLAM. 

For the past week or so my body has been very sore.  More than usual.  Headaches and lower back mainly, but my hips too. 

I think this whole time (the last 6 months) I've been depressed.  Not full on stay in bed all day depression, but I've been tired and achy and 70% sad.  It only hit me today that, that is what is happening.  All as I walked to work, trying to hold it together and not freak the people on the street by bawling.  Weeping behind sunglasses and talking to yourself is 'bad' enough.

I felt rather cruddy yesterday, and today, wow.  Just. Yuck.  weepy and SO sore.  I managed to stay out of bed all day.  I even went to the Y!  I had planned on walking home but I was too tired and drained.  It wasn't until about 3pm that I really cried, and 15 minutes before I had to leave for work I started to breakdown.  Lucky for me I have an amazing manager, and today's schedule lent it self well to having me not be there.

The interesting part about my panic/anxiety/depression attacks is that I have no internal 'tape' going.  I'm not thinking bad thoughts about myself, or others.  I'm not thinking about harming myself.  I just feel this HUGE fear.  I feel scared/sad/upset for no apparent reason.  When I was a teenager, and felt similarly, I would come up with reasons, and get upset with friends (mainly Mr. Smith).

(shit, I just had an 'aha' moment regarding why I was violent with my sister...those feelings with no reason...!!!  damn)

Being in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) didn't really work for me because I *don't* have those thoughts (I'm worthless, everyone hates me...I don't know what all)  I just felt. 

I assume my feelings today are about Rizo. 

The things I've learned about Buddhism and specifically tonglen practice have helped me most with this.
And allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling.   I do have meds that I can take when I have to (for work, I can't afford to miss any *that* thought leads me spiralling down more that anything, and that's where CBT comes in handy)

I want to take a week off, and I have about 30 hours of vacation pay.  I may do it.  Spend the week on the island, just being.

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