a week of nothing at all

I try not to complain. 

So I'll whine instead!

Sunday night, while visiting my Grandparents I was getting sore throat and coughy


Let me add some good stuff to break up the whine.  Some photo creations from a while back with Grandma and Grandpa:

Then Monday I went to work miserable and got sent home early.  The good thing was that I actually went in because one of our staff called in sick with pneumonia!

I ended up calling in sick for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was SO sick.  Body ache, sinus pressure, snot, cough.  Pain.  None of my normal remedies seemed to work.  At one point J gave me a T2 with codeine, and that worked...and then it wore off.  What a sad realization!

I went to the clinic to get a doctors note, and my own doc. was available.  She was able to be a little more 'thorough' than the walk in would be.  She thought I had a sinus infection (I do not) so gave me anti-biotics. I decided not to take them, but later that night J, the nurse, said he didn't like the way my cough was sounding and said I should take them.   So I begrudgingly did.  *harrumph*  turns out, it was a good thing I got the 'script.  I coughed up...well, never mind.  The infection seemed to have taken up residence in my bronchial tubes instead.  And with the scare of my co-worker and her being sick for 3+ weeks and developing pneumonia (and this year my friend Beat was hospitalized with it, and other complications) I don't want a bacterial infection getting out of control!  Even after only one dose my energy is back up some.  Now that my body doesn't have to fight so hard.

So not only did I miss 2 full days at the coffee shop, I came to the realization that there was no way I could physically do the garden maintenance.  *sigh* 

and I've booked off 5 days for thanksgiving!  I do have vacation hours that I can bank, thank goodness.

The lesson.  Be aggressive, be-e aggressive.  And demand one day off a week.  No wonder I got sick, from migraine to this.  No days off.

I'm not wicked!  WHAAAAAAAAAAA.


(and don't worry, I'm taking pro-biotics between doses and will double up once the bottle is empty)

crushing

I'm married, love, and am attracted to my J, and, I still get crushes.

I think the worst part about them isn't the fact I get them.  I've come to terms with being attracted to someone else.  At first it was really upsetting.  I didn't want to leave J to be with this person, but wow was he cute and crushable.  Why the heck did I feel like this??  Luckily, and though actual work, J and my relationship is great, and I have no desire to leave him.  I guess it just happens.  People aren't robots with 'crush' switches.

The worst part about my crushes is that I get possessive, and I feel hurt when my crushes crush on other people.  When they spend time with *other* friends of mine, and maybe even hook up.

I often, and not just in this type of situation, find my mind split.  This time it's split between "If *I* can't have him NO ONE CAN!  MINEMINEMINE *pout*"  and "Hey, that's a pretty good match, she's got what he wants/likes and well, he's awesome.  I hope it works!"

I think some of this stems from the fact that, until I was married (or in my other long term relationship with Pants), I ended up getting involved with most of my guy friends (the ones who didn't have girlfriends).  I've got it ingrained in my little brain.  Boys I like=Major crush=pounce.  And it's specific to boys too.  I haven't had a crush on a girl since high school.

I can see now, how people cheat long term, rather than leaving their spouse.  You have a good thing going at home, but it's a little broken (poor communication?) and this new and exciting thing is happening.  New and exciting is well, new and exciting. 

No wonder men buy fancy new cars during their mid life crisis! 

overwork, over tired, oversick

I haven't had a day off in...I don't know when. 

I had a week long migraine, then I did a cleans that left me with no energy (I stopped) and NOW I'M SICK. 

I've missed several gatherings and this makes me sad. 

This made me happy today though.

I'm a big Radiohead fan.  So, it's not the lyrics, but the way one of my favourite songs has been done. 

Chrismas making goal

This year, I don't want to buy ANYTHING for my Christmas making.  I want to use only things I have in the house!

That means Christmas cards too.

I had decided to knit socks for my intimidate family, and I *think* I just might have enough yarn for that.

I also have a few other ideas as well that I think I can pull off.  I will have to buy magnets and glue.  But that's it!  (and I think that's fair right?)

suicide

Today, Sept 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I have been so very blessed not to have been depressed enough to ever consider it. 
I've been blessed not to have anyone close to me try to, or commit suicide.

But people close to me have had people close to them commit suicide.  And the effects.  wow.

In the side bar "becca reads" the author of the blog RRSAHM's husband committed suicide, and although I've never even interacted with her, I've read her journey.  I found her blog though The Bloggess, who tipped me off about todays day.


One thing The Bloggess says is "drepression lies!"


I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist or a psychoanalysis or trained in any sort of shrinking of heads.

But I do believe that these hard subjects need to be brought into the light.

There is no shame in feeling so low.
In feeling worthless.

Remember that your brain is playing tricks on you.  And there are people who love you, even if you don't see them.  People who want you around.

If you don't feel you can talk to a friend, there are many many help lines.

for all of Canada:
1-800-448-3000

For Toronto:
1 (416) 408 4357


The Bloggess wanted to talk about some of the positives that might get you through the day.  here are a few of mine that help me get out of bed when I really don't want to, some might seem silly, but really

if it helps it helps.


Today my joys are:

waking up next to J.
layering my skirts and making them swoosh
knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and my mom and sister are there.
brand new tiny tart macintosh apples.  they are the highlight of my year...really.


what are the things that help you though tough times, silly, serious, sappy or what ever does it, what it is for you??

friendship

When I was little, having friends wasn't hard.  We lived in a co-op with lots of other kids.  really, we just had to go outside and there where people to play with.  I had a best friend, B.W., and we'd call on eachother lots too.  When I started a new school in grade 4 I met another girl, S.S., and we became best friends too.  She has a sister the same age as mine and we'd walk home together (so cool to walk home with out our parents!) 
B.W. and I had a fight when I was 13, over a boy no less.  We eventually reconciled, but we moved away from the co-op and we drifted apart.  We're now friends on facebook though.
S.S. and I drifted apart mid high school.  We where going to different schools and making new friends.  We still saw each other some, as I became fast friends with Mr. Smith and *his* crew at the same school.  I spent most of my 17th summer with all of them.
I had a group of girls I hung out with during high school, before I met Mr. Smith too.  I often felt left out because Shir was sometimes mean and would leave me out as we where often a threesome.  I wish me, V and J could be close again.  I certainly valued their friendship.  We had some really good times.  I allowed my fascination if Mr. Smith get in my way though. 
But such is life.
Post high school I was hanging out with Mr. Smith, my boyfriend Pants and various other people.  We, with m+m all moved in together (and then I vowed never to have room mates ever again ha!)
Jimmy J (a fiend of Mr. Smith) brought me into the goth world, and while I didn't submerse myself too deep I hung out there for a while (and me Mr. Kalifornia and Blue J.) 
I feel like I floated after that.  Not connecting on a deep level with anyone.
I'm in a pretty rad community now.  And I know there are people who really like me (best feeling when walking into a party and I hear a chorus of "Rebecca!"

What brought me to writing about friendship was that I don't feel like I have a best friend any more.  I think that ended in high school.  I feel really really odd calling anyone now.  I feel as if I'm...bothering people.  (also scared of rejection)  I also feel really really shitty when people do things with out me.  When they don't think to ask me to join them.  Big events and just 'hey lets go out for dinner!".

So, as I said above, I have a pretty great community right now,  And I cherish being part of it. But I still feel like I don't have a 'go to'.  I don't want to go out to big events all the time, or I'd like to have someone call me up for a change asking if we want to meet up first for dinner.

I think part of my problem is the stoopid social media.  That makes it easy to know about events, but it gives me an excuse to not use the phone.  I hate the phone.


SO, this friday I made the decision to actually *call* people.  and it turned out fantastically.


I'm going to make an effort to actually call people.  To say hey, what are you doing tonight, or next week.  And maybe even have a chat. 

And if you don't hear from me first, give me a call!!

oh silly Rebecca

Today was my due date with Rizo. 

Last night a watched the Temple at Burningman burn on their live video feed.  I had asked friends to write something on the temple wall for me, Rizo and J.  Regardless if they did or not, I said a little prayer and had a little cry.

Today, silly me, I watched the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting".  I was funny, so it wasn't too terrible to watch.  I'm not feeling too sad.  More hopeful as we've unofficially have started trying.  No prevention, but no charting, taking temps, worrying if it's the right day.

Back on the journy.  after a little pause.

Thanks for your support in this.  Even when you have nothing to say, and there are just hugs. 

how very pinteresting!

did you know I'm on pinterest?

well I am! 
I'm not terribly active because I don't troll the internet much, but I do have several boards, check me out!

ice cream and anniversaries

Tomorrow is J and my 6th year wedding anniversary.

I'm working both tomorrow and Monday night, so I thought I'd stay home and celebrate tonight.
The only downfall?  J had to go to bed at 8pm!  ha ha.  His job as an occasional part time nurse means he gets stuck with some not great shifts, like the whole long weekend.  These 3 days where planned in advance (I guess people where good and actually booked the time off).  Unfortunately not everyone books the time off and calls in sick so Friday he got a last minute call to go in for the evening shift, 3-11pm.  And the long weekend shifts, 7am-3pm.  He got home last night and got 5 hours of sleep then worked.  Poor guy.  Money is a wee bit tight so he's feeling the pressure to take everything that is offered. 


For our anniversary I made us ice cream.  In the maker my cousin gave us for a wedding present no less!

I made coconut almond chocolate chip.  PALEO ICE CREAM!

I modified The Unrefined Kitchens vanilla ice cream recipe with canned coconut milk, home made chocolate chips and almonds.

my modified vanilla ice cream:

1 can coconut milk (not milk-like coconut beverage!!!)
3-4 tbsp honey (agave would work too I'm sure...use less)
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 cup chocolate chips
1/4 cup slivered and blanched almonds (or finely chopped raw almonds would be even better!!)

-whip up coconut milk, honey and vanilla
-chill until...chilled
-pop into ice cream maker (following their instructions)
-put in chocolate chips and almonds when ice cream is soft serve consistancy
-eat when you can't handle waiting any more!

serves 2-3 (or more if you are topping another dessert)


I really liked the home made chocolate chips.  They are chewy and not all crumbly when frozen.
I also really liked that it can be so much less inexpensive than store bought!  a pint of store bought coconut ice cream is like $8.  This was SO good and cost maybe $2 to make.  I'd guess half the price for a whole pint...maybe.