drama at home *edit*

well HEY!  2 posts in one day?  this time it's drama.

It's one of those -

I really shouldn't be posting this posts.

But it's that, write it out and maybe figure it out.
or wallow.

I don't feel like wallowing.

Right now it's one of those tears are falling and I didn't even consciously decide to cry moments.  And it's annoying because my keyboard is getting wet.

I would like to ask you not to take sides on this.  It just is something that happens and I don't blame anyone.

Although I always feel like I'm the one being blamed.

Heh?


exactly.

J and I have these fucked up fights over nothing except about how we are perceiving each other. 

J claims we borrowed his mothers waffle iron last time we had brunch.  I say we did not.  He decided that I always decide he's wrong on everything.  Mostly because I always believe I'm right.  So rather than saying "yes dear" and he could say "Well, regardless if we had it or not, do you want it this time"  or I could have said "Well, regardless if we had it or not, we don't need two.", *I* go crazy (this according to Jason).  I see J's face, looking at me like I'm nuts.  1, because according to him, we did have two waffle irons and I'm crazy for not remembering that, and 2, because now my voice is elevated because I see his 'my wife is fucking crazy face' and I'm getting defensive and angry that he thinks that I never believe him.
Did you follow that?

Our fights consist of-

Me feeling like J is blaming me for everything negative in out relationship.
and
J feeling like I'm a crazy person who doesn't believe him when he tells me things.


I don't understand what I sound like.  I don't understand what hurts his feelings.  I let myself get defensive and I try and explain how I'm feeling and what exactly I'm saying and it gets louder, and J seems to stop listening, so I talk louder so he'll hear me and then J leaves and I get snarky and yell something like "well fuck you, I don't even fucking give a shit!" and he takes it personally.


but fuck that right?  it's been 9.5 years.

I'm going to fly off the handle some times.  Although, I wish I knew why.  Maybe I wouldn't if I knew my triggers.  Why I'm not quite feeling up to snuff, and feeling blamed and defensive today.



He's going to hate that I posted this.  That's why I shouldn't.


So to J I say:

I posted this
1, to talk it out, I often get revelations as I type.  It didn't happen this time...
2, we're not the only people who fight like this, and maybe this will help someone, or maybe we'll get some help.
also
3, I didn't post this to make you mad or hurt you.  I didn't do this to make you into the bad guy, 'cause you aren't.  It takes two, and I hope that one day we'll 'get it' and never fight again



*edit*

it's not all bad BTW.  this is the first row we've had in a long time.  We just need the tools for when we're not in good head spaces.

motivation

How do you get motivated?

what makes you GO!

I generally wait for inspiration.


or make big plans, and lists that I promptly ignore and then forget about.


*shrug*

I think the main thing about motivation -  
It doesn't actually exist and you have to force yourself to do things that require effort until they become habit, or doesn't require effort anymore...and once 'it' doesn't require effort, it's time for something new.

?

I dunno.  All I know is I haven't exercised in ages.  I'm at the point of forcing myself.

URG.


Anyone have any tips for motivation...that actually work?



ps.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Bah Hum Bug is what I really mean to say.

For some unexplored reason, I hate the holidays.

I love making and giving gifts, I love seeing my family, and to be frank, getting gifts is pretty great too!

But I always get in a major funk.  I think this year it was exemplified by working at a retail coffee shop.  So much so that I forgot to breath.

literally!  Boxing day, at 2:30 am I woke up and couldn't sleep because I couldn't breath well.  I was truly fine.  My psychosomatic illness loving lizard brain has never put me in real danger.  I did miss 2 days of work though.

Any way.  I'm glad it's all over.

I look forward to this January, when Clown Jam* starts up again, and the MacDonalds start up their movie nights again.  I didn't realize how little I'd seen my friends, or how much I'd miss the few and far between times I do see them!

I didn't take any photos of the stuff I made, but I do promise a tutorial of the lip balm!




*Clown Jam:  We meet every other Monday and play games and work on clown turns and encourage and lift each other up.  It's fun, and scary and weird.

menu

Monday: meat loaf and salad
Tuesday: meat loaf and salad
Wednesday: pork chops with mushroom sauce and cauliflower
Thursday: Christmas dinner with my family
Friday, Saturday: Christmas at MILs
Sunday: Leftovers

this isn't nice to say, but I gotta get it out

I thought I was pregnant.  All the symptoms, odd achy uterus, tired, peeing a lot, sore boobs.

Just got my period. 

I'm disappointed, but not devistaed.


But what really gets my goat, is that people get pregnant by accident.  That really cheeses me off.  I mean, I have two old friends that this happened to.  Part of me is stomping my feet and clenching my fists and yelling *it's not fair!  you didn't even want this!* 

(and to be fair to both of them, from what I see, they are both super fabulous moms and are thrilled with their kids)

After my miscarriage we had to wait 6 months.  It seemed like an eternity.  We're not getting any younger.  I'm scared to go past 35.  I'm only 33 now, but in about 6 months I'll be 34, and I want 2 kids.  you do the math.

*sigh*

We are going to start saving as much as we can right now for adoption.  I don't want to go though fertility treatments.  hormone injections and all that jazz.  I'd rather just adopt.  We've got enough adoption around us that it's not an odd concept at all. 
I know it seems a little early and pessimistic, but truly, I'd want to get the ball rolling in 2015 if we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  Even national adoption isn't inexpensive.

And Hey!  If we get pregnant, we have an early start on college fund!


So I guess what I'm saying it that people who don't want to get pregnant really need to start using protection, yer stealin' all the babies from the people who are *trying* to have one!  (yes, I'm kidding!!)

Keep sending all the baby love my way.  I'm not worried, just, every month is such a disappointment.  My spirit falls a little.

Time to get healthy.  That can't hurt right? 

(I wish J would stop smoking too)

I figured it out! and a giftmas rant

I had been wanting to keeps a regular schedule here.  I figured out why I haven't been.
We're sharing this computer, and not just as a computer, but as our tv too.  So when J is home (or awake), I don't like to sit here and type away.

I'll keep at it, and post when I can.

I don't have a planned menu, and I didn't troll the internet much this week.

I Am working on Christmas presents. 

Last night I made home made Lip blam.  I'll post a tutorial soon!

I'm making pajamas, out of sheets!

I'm making packs of 3 greeting cards for my extended family.

Coasters.  and I potted some plants.

We're not buying anything this year.  I *had* vowed not to buy any materials either, but that didn't happen.  I have spent (much) less than $100 though.


My Assistant Store Manager's family has a rule for Christmas presents.  No cash, gift cards or anything homemade.  I kinda get the cash thing.  But eventually you run out of *stuff* to buy, and everyone end up with junk they don't need.  MIL is like that.  I get a big gift bag of stuff.  99% of it I don't need, or even want.

I totally understand the want to give.  That is why I make things.  I can't afford to buy.  And I *would* if I had the money.  I'd be going to local stores, and local craft shows, and buying things that are fun, and that I know people will like.  My favorite story to tell about last years haul, was my 9 bars of soap.  And the fact that that's all I remember about it...it makes me sad.

last week and this week

This weeks menu:

Monday was steak and salad
Tuesday:  Squash soup
Wednesday: Fish and chips
Thursday: Pork roast with Broccoli
Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be 'scrounging'  J is away with Pickle, and when J is away I eat whatever!  Leftovers, kitchen sink soup, chicken liver and beets.

And now for the stuff I caught in the 'net last week and didn't throw back:

Some people assume that because I like being on stage I'm an extrovert.   I'm not.  I call myself an introverted Leo.  "look at me!"  but don't talk to me.  I'm busy, being alone.