away

I'm off to visit my dad and step mom.  They live in a part of the province where they MUST use dial up internet!  WHAT!?
it's true.  So I will be away until Sunday with very limited access.  And that's ok.

See you Sunday

the past

Everyone has one.  A past.
Some suck more than others...or in different ways.
I had one horrible incident happen to me when I was 11.  A major betrayal.  And I don't mean my best friend pissed me off. I've done my share of 'work'...I keep thinking it's over.

But it *does* come back and, well, bite me in the ass some times.  Most often when I am about to see the person who hurt me.

I've done some work on 'getting over it'.  Therapy, books, letters, talking.  I think I have healed somewhat.  I still haven't ever got passed it. 

I was wondering tonight, as I sobbed on J's chest, (what a good friend, husband, man he is...an explanation for a different post).
I was wondering WHY THE HELL CAN'T I JUST GET OVER THIS!?

I realized, maybe because I don't think it's ok to get over it.  Maybe somehow 'we' think that by accepting, and letting go, it makes the horrific misdeeds somehow ok. 

Am I articulating that alright?  I have trouble articulating my thoughts sometimes. 

I'm not talking about acceptance in regards to taking on the responsibility of that persons actions, but having the ability to accept *this thing* has happened.  In a non emotional way.  Not questioning anything.  *this thing* happened. 

Yes.  It happened.
I was betrayed by someone I loved more than anything.

In reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle I learned that the only way to know what to do next is to accept what happened.  You don't need to like it...but you need to accept it.  Face it, not ignore it.  In acceptance you stop looking for the WHY, and are able to see and feel.

I cannot keep pointing my finger saying "YOU!  YOU DID THIS!", because although they did something wrong, and bad and sick, and I had every right, 20 goddamn years ago, to be hurt, it's over. Reliving it, continuing to let myself feel the pain, poking that wound is not going to change what happened. 

No, accepting it won't change it either, but at least at least I won't be hurting any more.

I'm not going to share 'my story'.  I think that feeds it.  But it did happen, and maybe I can look it in the eye and say
"I see you.  I accept you *thing that happened*.  Now move aside, I have *this* moment to be in...you are getting in my way.  kthanxbai"

Edith Checkerspot

So I did a performance last night at Lunacy Cabaret.  I had SO much fun.  Enjoy!!

Edith Hoops!

Just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. 

 

see the rest of the walk at Becca Photographs

comments

I wonder why no one comments...
esp. when I ask direct questions?

I wonder why I blog.

I don't consider myself a writer.  I'm an amateur photographer...and I like to craft and cook. 

Meh...I guess it's something to do, and I like to share...

Thanks for listening, even if you don't say anything...

Shall I call you 'constant reader' like my favourite author calls his?

or will 'friend' do?

I suppose I'm still figuring out *what* to write about.  I like my tutorial tuesdays...
Do you friend?

What about my attempts at insights?  does anyone *really* want to hear about how I don't drink, or don't understand 'leaning into fear'?

and I suppose...I don't really care.  I'm putting it out there.  I want people to read...but I'm not going to *not* be me...whoever that is...(how zen!)


Well friends.  Until later.  Have a fab day!!!



(You'll have to pardon me...I'm a little...hormonal...I call her Emobec...I feed her chocolate and sappy movies, and then she goes away for a little while...)

tutorial Tuesday?

ooops...I didn't prepare anything today...
why don't I tell you how I make my chicken stock?
There won't be any photos yet...I'll maybe add them in another day.

I call my chicken "triple threat chicken".  It acts, sings and dances!
wait...no.  It roasts, simmers and soups!

To make my stock, first I roast a chicken.  (a tutorial for another day!?)
Then we eat the chicken breasts with some sort of steamed green veg, maybe some rice, or potato.

Right now it's only the two of us, so that idea works well...'cause you can't eat more than that if it's going to be a triple threat.

With the rest of the meat, the legs, I make a curry, or burritos. 

DO NOT THROW OUT THE BONES/FAT/JUICES/CRUNCHY BAKED ON BITS/SKIN of your roast.  I just shove the whole roasting pan with the bones in the fridge after it's roasted.  Toss the leg bones back in the roasting pan on day 2.  If I have time, I make the stock on day 2.  Sometimes I don't, and I can make the stock on day 3.  Stop being so paranoid J...it's FINE...especially if I'm going to BOIL THE HECK out of it... (ahem, pardon me, my hubby is paranoid about food...he won't eat leftovers if they've been in the fridge for more than a day...if he eats them at all)
Now...If I know I can't get to making stock asap, I stick the bones and juices in the freezer.

Stick the bones, juices, fats, skin in a big pot.  Add 2 or 3 carrots snapped in half, a few stocks of celery snapped in half...thick white bits, leaves and all (yes, I do wash the dirt off), add a couple onions, skins and all, quartered.  Sometimes I add herbs...sometimes coriander.  Whatever you like really... oh, salt and pepper too.
Fill the roasting pan with water.  Take a spoon and scrape up all that yummy baked on chicken! Pour it over the stuff in your pot.  Keep using the roasting pan to add water until you have covered the bones and Veg.  now BOIL.  When it gets crazy, put the pot on simmer.  I say it's done when the carrots are soft...I've never timed it.  I turn off the heat, and let the pot cool all day or over night.  LID ON.  Not refrigerated.  I dunno, is that bad?  lol.  I heard from someone never to put hot food in the fridge.  Something about bacteria thriving...

Once it's cooled enough I strain it stock, either into another pot if I'm about to make soup, or into big tupperware and into the freezer.  If you are freezing it, leave a good 5 cm at the top for the stock to expand into.

tutorial Tuesday - Kim Chi!

Tuesdays have been named Tutorial Tuesdays!
It is my hope to post a tutorial once a week.

From cooking to crafting to gardening to space travel...

today...KIM CHI!

J (the husband) took up to Korean BBQ.
Have you ever been?
It's all you can eat grilled meat and fish.  they give you sides of kim chi (kim chee, kimchi), spicy potatos, and rice.  you all sit around a grill, open flame, and grill and eat as much as you can.  I've only been once.  It was WAY to much meat for me, not enough vegetables.  But I fell in love with kim chi.  Fermented spicy cabbage.

I found some at my grocery store.  At almost $5 a short jar it was a rare treat (not to mention it went really fast and  not always stocked!).  I would eat it in a day if I let myself.

I have IBS, and I was concerned that I might be negatively effected by eating so much at once!  It turns out not!  It's really good for you and aids digestion.  No wonder Koreans eat it a lot!

I figured I'd try making it.

I used this recipe.  There are a lot of different versions, and this one seemed simplest.


ingredients:

Napa cabbage - approximately one pound
4 cups of cold water
3 tablespoons of sea salt
1 tablespoon of fresh garlic, finely chopped
1 tablespoon of fresh ginger, finely chopped
1 tablespoon of fresh green onions (scallions), finely chopped
1 teaspoon of dried red chili pepper flakes (more if you like things spicy, less if you don't)
1 1/2 to 2 teaspoons of sugar

First you cut the butt end off.  I forgot to take a photo, but please take note of the pretty pattern the end makes!

Rinse the leaves in cold water.
(this part sucked 'cause we keep our apartment pretty cold 'cause electricity costs so much!)
Pack 'em in a bowl and cover with cold, salted water.  Put a plate and a weight on top and stick in the fridge over night.

 

 

 

 Chop up your green onions, garlic and ginger.  I did more than the recipe called for.  I had a big cabbage.  In retrospect, I would have used less ginger and green onion.

 

 I blended all the ingredients because I don't chop very fine.  It made it much easier to spread on the leaves.

I didn't take photos of this next bit...it was too messy!   I spread a small amount of the paste on each leaf and shoved them into a big jar.  I might try chopping the cabbage first next time and just kinda tossing it around...
You don't have to put a lot on each leaf.  When it starts to ferment it all gets yummy.

I used two jars and 2/3rds of the cabbage. 

Stick the jar somewhere not cold.  Warm room temp.  (that means for my cold apartment I put it about a foot away from a heater!  The jar never got warm.)

Then you wait 3 or 4 days. 

If you have a sensitive nose...um...beware.  When you open the jar, it smells like old garbage feet.  J came home from a weekend away and exclaimed "wow!  it stinks in here!  didn't you take out the garbage?"
So, don't open it the day you have company...unless maybe they are Korean...they might enjoy the smell as much as I do...

I wasn't thrilled with the results.  I think it had a lot to do with too much ginger and green onion, and maybe not enough marinating time.  I've put it in the fridge and left it alone, and it's better.

I also made kim chi soup.  OH DIVINITY!  So good.  I used this recipe and added shitake mushrooms.  I got so excited I didn't take photos of the finished kim chi or the soup.  Next time!

getting wasted. A rant.

I went to a big party last night.  300 (+?)  people. Friends of mine organized it.  (and did a DAMN good job too!)
I went to dance and see friends and dance.  I don't do it often, but I love to dance, and I knew the DJs, and I knew it would be a good time.  And it was.

Part of your admission to the event was to bring an unopened bottle of booze.  (The other part was $12 to cover the cost of renting the venue and to cover other set up costs) Or a bunch of beer, or what ever you like to drink.  How ever much you think you will drink, plus extra.  And then you drink all night and it's way cheaper than going OUT to drink. 
I don't drink...so I brought some cranberry and orange juice.
But just about everyone else sure did!

I'm not an alcoholic, it's not religious, I'm not pregnant.  I just don't drink. 
I do not understand the point. 
Maybe some wine with dinner.  To me, wine with dinner tastes good.  Or a nice cold beer on a hot day. Getting a wee bit tipsy...it means I talk WAY more.
What I don't understand is getting hammerd, sloshed, wasted, falling down drunk.  I don't understand why people feel the need to lose control like that. 
Maybe you'll tell me to loosen up a bit...
You obviously haven't partied with me...
I party just as hard as you with the bottle in your hand.  Maybe harder because I don't feel like puking.

I do burlesque for heavens sake.

I will remember it ALL in the morning.  I won't take it too far, and have regrets. 
I will get mildly annoyed when you can hardly stand up.
I will get a little fed up with the strangers who feel then can slobber all over me.
And I will have NO sympathy for your hangover the next morning.

And, I still have all my money -$5 for my glass of Coke.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
I have SO much fun sober.  
(Fine, I do do one drug...caffeine.)

Can you tell me why people drink so much?




One thing, I want to clarify.  I don't think I'm better than you if you drink.  I'm not judging. 

Just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

leaning into fear

WHAT THE HECK does that mean?  Lean into fear, discomfort, vulnerability...
what does that mean?

O.K., break it down:
what is it meant by leaning into?
Do they mean go with it?  Rather than push away?  Don't fight it?

"Instead of running away from the things that frighten you, instead of avoiding the uncomfortable situation, instead of not looking into the unknown, lean into your fear.
Get on the airplane and face the fear. You’ll overcome it.Take the leap and move to a foreign country. You’ll never regret it.
Ask your boss for a raise. You’ll thank yourself.
Have the conversation you’ve been afraid of. You’ll be a better person for it.
Take a deep breath. Pat your own hand reassuringly.
Lean into the fear.
Once you’ve looked into it, it will vanish. And you’ll see it for all it is – fear.
As a friend of mine says, kiss that monster on the nose."

When I think of leaning into my fear, discomfort, vulnerability, I think of my cousin Minna, who I used to baby sit when she was 5.  She wasn't openly affectionate, but once comfortable, she'd sometimes kinda lean into you.  I'm not trying to make a parable/anecdote here,  it's just what I think of when someone says "lean into your ______"  and maybe it is an anecdote.  Minna was adopted from China.  She was in foster care, and her foster mom carried her everywhere, so when she got here she didn't know how to walk...maybe her fear is she'll be taken away from a person she loves again, so she doesn't want to get close...or maybe I'm thinking too hard.  lol

I also envision an Elephant leaning into another Elephant...

I suppose one needs to learn how to lean into love too.

I'd love to hear what you have to say about "leaning into ____"