Tuesday, February 22, 2011

the past

Everyone has one.  A past.
Some suck more than others...or in different ways.
I had one horrible incident happen to me when I was 11.  A major betrayal.  And I don't mean my best friend pissed me off. I've done my share of 'work'...I keep thinking it's over.

But it *does* come back and, well, bite me in the ass some times.  Most often when I am about to see the person who hurt me.

I've done some work on 'getting over it'.  Therapy, books, letters, talking.  I think I have healed somewhat.  I still haven't ever got passed it. 

I was wondering tonight, as I sobbed on J's chest, (what a good friend, husband, man he is...an explanation for a different post).

I realized, maybe because I don't think it's ok to get over it.  Maybe somehow 'we' think that by accepting, and letting go, it makes the horrific misdeeds somehow ok. 

Am I articulating that alright?  I have trouble articulating my thoughts sometimes. 

I'm not talking about acceptance in regards to taking on the responsibility of that persons actions, but having the ability to accept *this thing* has happened.  In a non emotional way.  Not questioning anything.  *this thing* happened. 

Yes.  It happened.
I was betrayed by someone I loved more than anything.

In reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle I learned that the only way to know what to do next is to accept what happened.  You don't need to like it...but you need to accept it.  Face it, not ignore it.  In acceptance you stop looking for the WHY, and are able to see and feel.

I cannot keep pointing my finger saying "YOU!  YOU DID THIS!", because although they did something wrong, and bad and sick, and I had every right, 20 goddamn years ago, to be hurt, it's over. Reliving it, continuing to let myself feel the pain, poking that wound is not going to change what happened. 

No, accepting it won't change it either, but at least at least I won't be hurting any more.

I'm not going to share 'my story'.  I think that feeds it.  But it did happen, and maybe I can look it in the eye and say
"I see you.  I accept you *thing that happened*.  Now move aside, I have *this* moment to be in...you are getting in my way.  kthanxbai"

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