the durings and afters

It's been just over a month since I miscarried (I see the Doc on the 11th to find out more).

I've had a really interesting time observing my body change back to pre pregnancy.

One of the very first things that happened was my breasts pretty much deflated.  Poof, gone.  *sad*
One of the worst parts is that I'm still 20 Lbs overweight (I'd say 5-10 of that happened before, after I broke my finger and stopped gardening.)  The lower abdomen is 'flat' again.  It had started to pop out. 
My lower back and hips had to move back, they had started to hurt from spreading, and a month later I believe they're done. 
My appetite is back to normal.  I hadn't realized how ravenous I was! 
I also don't have to pee nearly as much.  That was hormonal at that stage.  I revel in being able to hold it now!
I'm also not dead tired either.  That was starting to ebb some, as it was supposed to, but still.  wow.  (Motivation isn't back though...I suspect lack of motivation had nothing to do with being pregnant)
Being pregnant suited me.  My hormones where stable!  I had one major break down because pants didn't fit.  other than that, life was quite pleasant.  Now.  I feel that old bitch creeping back. 
And my FACE.  Breakout city.  ugh.


All in all, people have been good about it.  I've taken the outlook that is someone says something, it means they care, and if it's not *quite* right, it's because they just don't know what else to say.  And the people who I know know, but don't say anything, just don't know what to say and have decided to stay quiet.  My first day of work back was like that.  No one said anything.

I've also been amazed at how many women (and a couple guys) have told me it happened to them too.  Not being alone in this helps too. 

wow

I had a doozy of a panic attack today around 5pm. 
First one in a while.  I've been to see several counsellors about this, but I've never really found any solution.  I've learned how to deal with them when they come, but not *why* they come.  There was a lot of talk about triggers.  What thoughts trigger attacks.  My problem, I don't seem to *have* triggers.  There are no thought cycles, or repeating 'tapes', or spirals.  All that happens is I start getting tight chested.  A lot of the time I can talk my way out of it. 
I allow myself to feel tight chested and scared, rather than fight it.  I accept it.  "this is how you are feeling *right now* but you know that you can feel other things, this will pass, it always does".  Fighting ("STOP, STOP STOP! YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS!!!") makes it worse, just like fighting with another person.  It make the feeling bigger, like it would make a person more angry and defensive. 
But for some reason this time all I could do was pace around the kitchen, attempting to make dinner.  All while bawling my eyes out. 

I think that maybe life stress is getting to me.  J lost his job, I had been getting like 13 hours a week, so with 2 week retro pay, I'm only getting like 30 hours on this pay cheque.  This with the loss if the baby, and the tension of not knowing about the molar pregnancy until the 11th, just exploded.

I'm also starting gardening again next week, and I don't *really* want to, but we quite need the extra money, since it pays more /hour. 

It is the worst thing, feeling scared for no (apparent) reason.  I've come to realize that this has been happening since high school, but in high school I'd seek out reasons, and hash it out with friends (Mr. Smith being one of them...boy did we have a volatile relationship sometimes)

Part of me thinks this is hormonal.  I did not feel this way while I was pregnant.  Actually, I felt the most stable in those 3 months.  Now that my hormones are (going) back to normal...I'm moody and bitchy and seem to be having panic attacks again.  Awesome.

The good thing though is that as soon as J gets a job, and all my pay isn't going to everything, I'm heading back to my acupuncturist and naturaupath and we're going to get my hormones 'correct'.

For now I need to make sure I'm exercising, NOT EATING WHEAT!, and doing activities I enjoy (including more sex...it's been almost 2 months.  What with the miscarriage and all.) 

Feeling better for now.  and trying not to hold my breath for the next one.

all alone

J is away once or 2ce a month with Pickle.  A whole weekend to myself.

I like being alone, and not having to do anything or think of anyone but myself. 
Case in point.  I completely waisted about $20 on junk food this weekend.  Blue cheese, pate, ice cream, multi grain smoked cheddar crisps, cereal.  Food J either doesn't like, or food I don't want to share. (see...re my last post...I'm not pointing the finger at others with out seeing my own 'faults' too!!  when I came home I felt SO guilty for spending that money on non necessities, allowing myself to not care, giving into "this food will make me feel good", and not wanting to share.  So I accepted it, and ate the ice cream in 2 days)

Don't get me wrong.  I love J very very much, and he still makes me smile when he walks in the door.  I won't be getting rid of him any time...ever.

But that solitude.  SO GOOD.  I'm not even doing anything productive with it.  Indulging in the solitude.

I guess that's all I wanted to say.  I like being alone.  And I'll have to make sure it's built into my month once Pickle grows too old for visits, and we have kids together.  I read about strangers (on blogs) and watch friends going mad not having time alone.  I know I'll have to make date night/day/weekend with my self in order to stay sane.  I can't feel guilty about that, because a sane wife/mommy is a happy wife/mommy/ME.

St. Patrick's Day

I don't like St. Patrick's day.  Actually, I don't agree with it, or I don't agree with what it has become. 

I'm assuming (because I'm not going to bother researching because I'm a lazy bum remember?) that it was/is a Catholic thing.  So why do we all 'celebrate' this holiday?  WITH GETTING FALLING DOWN DRUNK?

I don't drink.
I don't judge you for drinking, even for getting drunk.  I don't understand *why*, but I'm not judging.


Back to St. Patrick's day.  Fine, you gunna go get hammered?  Why are you using this 'holiday' to excuse it?


I guess we generally feel we need a reason to have fun (if you call feeling sick the next day fun...).  From "I had a bad day, give me chocolate" to "hey!  it's a random day with a St.'s name attached to it!  let's get hammered"

*...processing...*

I think I just became enlightened!  In Pema Chodron's "living with uncertainty" she talks a bit about pleasure, and avoiding seeking it out.  I never really understood that.  What is wrong with having chocolate ice cream, or even a beer?  I *think* it's not so much the chocolate or beer, or even getting drunk that is the 'problem', but the seeking out an escape, or pleasure.  It's the *looking* that's the 'problem'.  If we are looking for something different, we aren't living and accepting now.

"I want chocolate, it will make me happy"  is different from "sure, I'll have a piece of chocolate since you offered, mmmmm it's good"

I've 'given up' drinking because I don't feel I need it.  I tell people that I can act like a fool with out it.  And who wants to be sick the next day anyway?  ON PURPOSE even.

So, think about that.  I promise promise promise I don't look down upon you for drinking any more than I look down upon the people I serve coffee to everyday.  I'm no exception.  I have my 'vices', I'm not better than you.


*edit*

I'm feeling rather strange about all this though.  I think I'm scared I'm going to offend people for telling them not to seek out pleasure.  I'm not sure I can articulate exactly what I mean. 

Feeling good  isn't bad.
 ...

I've been working on not seeing *anything* as bad or good.  Things just are. 
If you *are* feeling offended by what I said, maybe (I'm going to do it again I think...) maybe there is a reason you feel offended?

By you reading this doesn't mean I think you need to think this along with me.  It doesn't mean I think I'm right.  But just that it feels right to me.


have I stuck my foot way up there? 


I hope you understand. 

TAG! but not really...

So my friend 'Lannis' guest blogs at her friend The Mrs..  The. Mrs was tagged to write a post about 11 things you may or may not care about, and Lannis went and became a follower, and I'm going to do the same thing.  so I'm just tagging along?  I'm that annoying kid who just starts running around and no one knows who they are but apparently they are playing tag with you and your buds...*ahem*

over share:  11 things you may or may not care about/want to know about me.  Originally there where *questions* (!) that had been asked, but it seems as those have fallen to the way side...fully starting with ME.

ok.  GO!

1.  This is harder than I thought...I keep wanting to tell you things about *other* people...

2. Apparently I'm a *gossip*.  I think some of you knew that already.  I have been consciously trying not to talk about other people in a negative light.

3. I alphabetize my books by author, and then chronologically by when a book was written when I have more than one of their books.

4. Mucus makes me want to throw up.  Even writing it makes me queasy.

5. I want to be a house wife...except with out the cleaning part.  Some people could not live with out work.  I could.  I'm a lazy mofo.

6. I enjoy cutting my nails.

7.  I tend to get *really* excited about stuff.  I've actually taught myself to calm down.  But I like shiny and fluffy things.  I mean that metaphorically. Well, and literally.

8.  I love the sunshine, but I don't like tanning.  In the summer you will see me in hats, slathered in *shudder* sunscreen.  I *hate* sunscreen.

9.  I procrastinate.  I wish I knew how to trick myself in to procrastinate procrastinating so I'd get things done.

10.  Sometimes I think I should have been an esthetician.  I like to pick groom others.

11.  I don't like holidays.  I like *family*, but ick.  random *lets get drunk*/buy me things/forced jolly making is the pits.

ok, now YOU go.  Link to your blog, or write me a list in the comments.  What do I not really need to know about but that you want to share?


*edit*
um...I forgot, there where *rules*  I'm cutting and pasting the cut and pasted...

There are rules to this game. I'm not following them. I'm sorry. (I told you: I'm lazy, and I cheat.)

Here are the rules I'm only partially following:

You must post the rules. (Check!) - Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post - Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you've tagged - Tag eleven people and link them on your post - Let them know you've tagged them!

And re: cheating at tag? Yeah, I wasn’t even tagged so how’s that for busting in and taking over? Ha! HA!

yup...I didn't even follow the rules at all...not even close...*shrug*

spring

Spring has arrived a tad early this year.  I know it's spring because the maples are flowering. 

And the other day, on my way to work, I saw 3 flocks of geese flying north. 

Maples are the first trees to pollinate.  If you are feeling snuffly and itchy (throat and eyes), blame the maples!

Did you know there are 2 main ways for plants to pollinate?  Wind and pollinating insects.  Wind pollinators are the ones that don't have showy flowers, like maples and rag weed.  Plants (and I'm including woody plants like trees and shrubs) that have showy flowers, like cherry trees, golden rod or tulips are pollinated by insects, like bees, butterflies and flies even.  They aren't the ones to blame for your dripping nose and itchy eyes. 

Some plants flower first, and then leaf out, and some leaf and then flower.  Forsythia and maples tend to flower first, and then leaf.


We're going to have an odd gardening year this year because we had such a mild winter.  A lot of plants in our zone depend on the cold and subsequent dormancy for good growth and heartiness.  kinda like how we need a good nights sleep to be productive.  We can survive, but it might not be pretty! Fruit trees won't do as well, and we're going to have a lot of bugs!  The cold kills them, but this year they would have just burrowed into something soft and hung out.


I hadn't been planning on going back to gardening this season.  I wouldn't have gotten a full season, and being pregnant wouldn't have been great for construction!  I will be going back 2 days a week to do maintenance.  I'm glad, I'd have missed my gardens!  We start early April, and maybe sooner if I help out with spring clean ups too.

utter lunacy

Last night I was a part of Lunacy Cabaret as a back up dancer.  I had pretty much stopped performing in any capacity after I found out I was pregnant...mostly due to utter exhaustion.

Last night's theme was drag race.  I took the opportunity to bring out Frankie Plum.  Put on a fedora and painted on a moustache and got on stage and practically broke my hip!

Boy am I out of shape.  Time to get back at it and get to the Y eh?

Any who.  It was really good to be back with the Lunacy crowd.  And to see a lot of friends who I haven't seen in a while. 

Back to old life, moving forward, trying not to stagnate.

hooked, a tutorial

 Our old bed frame was hand made by me.  It wasn't pretty, but it worked.  We used cedar 4x4s for the legs.  We bought a king sized be from a friend, and I kept the 4x4s.  I had put up a couple hooks for Jason and I, and we needed more and I was trying to figure out a way to not put 10 holes in the wall.  I had a brilliant flash of amazingness.  Put hooks into a 4x4 and attach *it* to the wall.  4 holes rather than 10.  and it's a little shelf!

go me.

I'm planning on going to the St. Lawrence antique market to get another motley set of hooks for the other 3 4x4s.

Drill pilot holes first so you don't split the wood, and use anchor sets so you don't pull the set up off the wall when you put you worn but not dirty clothes on it.

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

when FUNNY shit happens

So, this post by The Bloggess is *prime* example of shit happening...except...it's funny.  Life happens people.  Jenny accepted her situation...and well, I'll let you read this...I hope you laughed like I did.  I needed it...so do you.

a week later-processing

I've been processing a lot in the last week.
The main thing it seems to come down to is shit happens.
Without bitterness, shit happens.
With sadness, and joy, shit happens.

I've been getting a lot of "you must be devastated!"
And I think I'm worrying people by saying, "no, shit happens".

Because I've been wanting a baby for a *really* long time.  And it seems to be the world view that when you don't get what you want you throw a tantrum. 

Don't get me wrong.  I've been crying, and shaking my fists at the sky and shouting "WHY!?", but I've also accepted the situation for what I know it to be. 

Life. 

There are ways to make life easier and more joyful...like knowing that shit happens.


I feel like once I accept a situation to be what it is, I can *move on*.  I have more clarity, I'm not in fight mode, I'm not *angry*, I'm looking at what it *is* and I can move forward with a clear head. 

Like I've said 100 times before, the hard part of accepting is remembering that acceptance isn't the same as *liking*.

I flipping wish I didn't have a miscarriage, and a D+C, and other possible complications.  But it all happened. 

If my accepting my situation is freaking you out...oh well, shit happens.

Trust me, I'm not ignoring it, I'm not in denial.

Gahd.  Being in the hospital made sure of that.  *shudder*  As far as hospital visits go it was fine.  Everyone was nice enough.  The only person who was truly truly compassionate about my situation was a porter though.  I can't imagine having to be with so many sick people all day everyday.  I think I was the only person who didn't throw up during my stay in recovery.  It takes a special person.  I think I got all the special (not short bus special!) people yesterday. 

(sending out a big thank you to all the staff yesterday, with an extra hug to Mr. Porter)