wow

I had a doozy of a panic attack today around 5pm. 
First one in a while.  I've been to see several counsellors about this, but I've never really found any solution.  I've learned how to deal with them when they come, but not *why* they come.  There was a lot of talk about triggers.  What thoughts trigger attacks.  My problem, I don't seem to *have* triggers.  There are no thought cycles, or repeating 'tapes', or spirals.  All that happens is I start getting tight chested.  A lot of the time I can talk my way out of it. 
I allow myself to feel tight chested and scared, rather than fight it.  I accept it.  "this is how you are feeling *right now* but you know that you can feel other things, this will pass, it always does".  Fighting ("STOP, STOP STOP! YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS!!!") makes it worse, just like fighting with another person.  It make the feeling bigger, like it would make a person more angry and defensive. 
But for some reason this time all I could do was pace around the kitchen, attempting to make dinner.  All while bawling my eyes out. 

I think that maybe life stress is getting to me.  J lost his job, I had been getting like 13 hours a week, so with 2 week retro pay, I'm only getting like 30 hours on this pay cheque.  This with the loss if the baby, and the tension of not knowing about the molar pregnancy until the 11th, just exploded.

I'm also starting gardening again next week, and I don't *really* want to, but we quite need the extra money, since it pays more /hour. 

It is the worst thing, feeling scared for no (apparent) reason.  I've come to realize that this has been happening since high school, but in high school I'd seek out reasons, and hash it out with friends (Mr. Smith being one of them...boy did we have a volatile relationship sometimes)

Part of me thinks this is hormonal.  I did not feel this way while I was pregnant.  Actually, I felt the most stable in those 3 months.  Now that my hormones are (going) back to normal...I'm moody and bitchy and seem to be having panic attacks again.  Awesome.

The good thing though is that as soon as J gets a job, and all my pay isn't going to everything, I'm heading back to my acupuncturist and naturaupath and we're going to get my hormones 'correct'.

For now I need to make sure I'm exercising, NOT EATING WHEAT!, and doing activities I enjoy (including more sex...it's been almost 2 months.  What with the miscarriage and all.) 

Feeling better for now.  and trying not to hold my breath for the next one.