today I

Saw:
Blackeyed susan seed heads
Snow squals

Smelled:
Tuna malt

Tasted:
agave chocolate

Heard:
about J's day

Touched:
cold wind

Felt:
grumpy
loved

today I

Today I

Saw:
sparrows

Heard:
music

Smelled:
spring

Tasted:
honey

Touched:
Becky (hugs!)

Felt:
Excited

up date

you may be wondering about:
project make baby
the great paleo experiment
and other things I've talked about in my life here.

Baby making:
still trying.  Well, unofficially.  Because my wee lizard brain stresses out when I try too hard, so I am aware when I ovulate, and attempt to have sex on the appropriate dates, but that's it.  We're just having unprotected sex.  No fuss.  No temperature taking, no mucus monitoring.  I slid a little after the miscarriage, sexually.  I just didn't want to do it.  So right now, we're just getting back on the horse and having fun being with each other. 
I'm committed to eating healthy (no sugar, few grains and dairy) and, well, exercise is just. blerg.  I'll get there.  We're re-joining the Y in Feb, so I'll get back to tai chi, and other stuff as well.


Eating paleo:

I've put that on the back burner for now.  I'm staying away from sugar and gluten.  I find no grains during the winter extremely hard.  I'm eating steel cut oats, and buckwheat mostly.  I was doing pretty well, and then I had a whole wheat wrap at work, and was SO grumpy. 

My (almost) sister in law (sister wife??  like baby daddy?  lol) gave me her old mandolin, and I've been making zucchini noodles!  I've had them with pesto.  Delish.  So my noodle problem is solved. 

I've been eating cheese and yoghurt and butter.  Nothing bad seems to be happening.  Staying away from milk though.

I've been trying to bake with coconut flour.  I don't really like it though.  I'm going to look back into almond flour and arrowroot flour.  And ground oats.

I'm also allowing myself a sugar cheat every day.  Esp. at work.  Lemonade, or chai or chocolate.

Oh, and eating potatoes, but limiting them too.  And pop corn.  Organic pop corn.


The delema:

Still trying to figure that out.  Just letting it sit. 

last weeks catch

The amusing things I found in the 'net

get encouraged!

Only a couple reasons why consuming sugar daily isn't good for you.  AND it's cute.

oh Sophia!

I have friends who make things.  La and Nat made letters (and got featured here!)  (aka the font Simon sans)

TINY ROOMS!!

dilemma in Beccaland

So.  I'm cheesed at the moment.

I was passed over at Starbucks for a Shift Supervisor position.  The DM (district manager) decided to strong arm my manager to promote someone else.  I feel like my SM (store manager) didn't have the balls to say no, Rebecca is next.

The DM is aware I want to be a shift, and wants to promote me, but that means leaving my store, or waiting.

There are 2 maybe-sometime-there is no time line, but as early as March but not for sure possibilities to move up in my store.  My SM is trying to fire someone, but it's next to impossible.  And there is talk of other people being promoted, but no one knows *when*. For sure in September there is a chance, as someone is going to school and is stepping down.

SO.  my dilemma.

I don't want to leave my store.  Partly because I'm a creature of habit, and I don't like learning curves, and partly because moving stores as a shift means I'm more than likely stepping on someones toes who wanted to be a shift before me.

I HATE the thought of someone being upset because *they* where passed over.  I don't want people to be upset at me.

Most peoples answer to that is "well, screw them!"  I can't do that.  If I stayed, I'd already feel guilty enough about my taking over if someone was fired.

One store that was talked about is too far to walk to.  So my raise goes right to the TTC.  but I'll also be getting 40 hours, as apposed to 20-30.

The other store is closer, but I'm not sure I'll like how the SM works.  I feel like he's kinda sneaky.

The other factor is also an unknown.  We're trying to get pregnant.  I feel like the sooner the better for me to become a shift.  So waiting until Sept. is out.


Do I sit on it, and hope a spot opens up soon?  or do I change stores and maybe be miserable with the new SM and other staff?


I'm also trying to just let things pan out, and not push or rush anything.  Like I've said before here, I believe in fate.  There are decisions that need to be made, but there is a place I'm going to be.  In the long run, I don't think it matters what decision I make.


But I DO need to make one.  I'd like to be happy while I wait for fate to pan out.  I can't just sit on my butt, I know that much.

today I:

Today I

Saw
a friend

Heard
good ideas

Smelled
double bergamot

Tasted
a forbidden cookie

Touched
cold air

Felt
excited to perform

Today I

Saw
My heart on a moniter*

Heard
my boots squeek on the cold cold snow

Smelled
the vanilla cardamom topping

Tasted
a delicious slice on candied vanilla clementine

'Touched'
and warmed (after I rejected!) J's cold hands

Felt
loved
and cared for after a friend touched base.





*I was having my heart ultra sounded...I've been having palpitations, I'll keep you updated...but so far no one thinks it's serious

Today I:

It's been a while since I did Today I:

I've been wanting to try it again.  I've been grumpy, and complaining a lot.  I want to be mindful of that, and really, stop complaining.  It's not cool. 

The premise is, I notice that I notice.

I try to remember that I was mindful about at least one of each of my senses; smell, touch, taste, sound, sight and emotion.

so, Today I:
Saw the stars
Thoroughly enjoyed the forbidden bit of chocolate cinnamon loaf (2 birds, one stone!  taste and emotion...mmmm food)
Made an effort to physically encourage a co-worker (rub/pat on the back.  Poor Ben is sick)
Listened to people sing along to the music at Vale Village.
Smelled the cold air, and the 'out side' smell once I was in side.

mondays fresh catch (or what I found in the 'net)

last weeks catch:


Another great video that makes me want to go to Burning Man.  I really enjoyed the music on this one.


My friend Japhet is a bartender extrodinare.  A featured drink!  (hey, just 'cause I don't drink, doesn't mean I'm not proud of Japhet and his successes!)


The Science of productivity!  My previous post makes me all smug.  I'm going in the right direction!

Super neat idea.  Time to scour thrift stores.  Also, ribbon.  And I think I'd make them bunting/triangles.

Just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

fishing (net finds)

some fun things from the internet last week


One of the people who have taught me clown, Mark, does improv and hosts his own morning radio show!  if you are up early enough (generally 6:30 am - 10 am) take a listen! 


Another friend is making a movie!


and, well, a beautiful moment in music.  Stick with it.  You don't want to miss the grand finale xylophone face.

Just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

Motivation tool?

Maybe that's not the right word...but I hope my new stratagy works.

I bought a new day planner half off.  It is a set.  A day planner and a note book.  I thought the notebook was just lined pages, but it's an hour planner.  You write in the day, and break it up into hours. 

My idea is to look at my next day, at night, and break up my tasks.
Obviously one can do that with out the help of a special planner, but that's where I got the idea.

So rather than me telling myself TOMORROW I CLEAN!  I write down *when* I clean, and for how long, and when I get breaks.

I tried this yesterday.  The only problem I faced was that J was home, and had his own idea about what the day was going to be.  And I'm sick.  But I got a lot more done thatn I wold have. 

I added in when I exercise, when I go on FB, when I get to watch tv.  I didn't add pee breaks, I'm allowed to do that whenever I want.

Lets see how *this* plan goes!

drama at home *edit*

well HEY!  2 posts in one day?  this time it's drama.

It's one of those -

I really shouldn't be posting this posts.

But it's that, write it out and maybe figure it out.
or wallow.

I don't feel like wallowing.

Right now it's one of those tears are falling and I didn't even consciously decide to cry moments.  And it's annoying because my keyboard is getting wet.

I would like to ask you not to take sides on this.  It just is something that happens and I don't blame anyone.

Although I always feel like I'm the one being blamed.

Heh?


exactly.

J and I have these fucked up fights over nothing except about how we are perceiving each other. 

J claims we borrowed his mothers waffle iron last time we had brunch.  I say we did not.  He decided that I always decide he's wrong on everything.  Mostly because I always believe I'm right.  So rather than saying "yes dear" and he could say "Well, regardless if we had it or not, do you want it this time"  or I could have said "Well, regardless if we had it or not, we don't need two.", *I* go crazy (this according to Jason).  I see J's face, looking at me like I'm nuts.  1, because according to him, we did have two waffle irons and I'm crazy for not remembering that, and 2, because now my voice is elevated because I see his 'my wife is fucking crazy face' and I'm getting defensive and angry that he thinks that I never believe him.
Did you follow that?

Our fights consist of-

Me feeling like J is blaming me for everything negative in out relationship.
and
J feeling like I'm a crazy person who doesn't believe him when he tells me things.


I don't understand what I sound like.  I don't understand what hurts his feelings.  I let myself get defensive and I try and explain how I'm feeling and what exactly I'm saying and it gets louder, and J seems to stop listening, so I talk louder so he'll hear me and then J leaves and I get snarky and yell something like "well fuck you, I don't even fucking give a shit!" and he takes it personally.


but fuck that right?  it's been 9.5 years.

I'm going to fly off the handle some times.  Although, I wish I knew why.  Maybe I wouldn't if I knew my triggers.  Why I'm not quite feeling up to snuff, and feeling blamed and defensive today.



He's going to hate that I posted this.  That's why I shouldn't.


So to J I say:

I posted this
1, to talk it out, I often get revelations as I type.  It didn't happen this time...
2, we're not the only people who fight like this, and maybe this will help someone, or maybe we'll get some help.
also
3, I didn't post this to make you mad or hurt you.  I didn't do this to make you into the bad guy, 'cause you aren't.  It takes two, and I hope that one day we'll 'get it' and never fight again



*edit*

it's not all bad BTW.  this is the first row we've had in a long time.  We just need the tools for when we're not in good head spaces.

motivation

How do you get motivated?

what makes you GO!

I generally wait for inspiration.


or make big plans, and lists that I promptly ignore and then forget about.


*shrug*

I think the main thing about motivation -  
It doesn't actually exist and you have to force yourself to do things that require effort until they become habit, or doesn't require effort anymore...and once 'it' doesn't require effort, it's time for something new.

?

I dunno.  All I know is I haven't exercised in ages.  I'm at the point of forcing myself.

URG.


Anyone have any tips for motivation...that actually work?



ps.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

Bah Hum Bug is what I really mean to say.

For some unexplored reason, I hate the holidays.

I love making and giving gifts, I love seeing my family, and to be frank, getting gifts is pretty great too!

But I always get in a major funk.  I think this year it was exemplified by working at a retail coffee shop.  So much so that I forgot to breath.

literally!  Boxing day, at 2:30 am I woke up and couldn't sleep because I couldn't breath well.  I was truly fine.  My psychosomatic illness loving lizard brain has never put me in real danger.  I did miss 2 days of work though.

Any way.  I'm glad it's all over.

I look forward to this January, when Clown Jam* starts up again, and the MacDonalds start up their movie nights again.  I didn't realize how little I'd seen my friends, or how much I'd miss the few and far between times I do see them!

I didn't take any photos of the stuff I made, but I do promise a tutorial of the lip balm!




*Clown Jam:  We meet every other Monday and play games and work on clown turns and encourage and lift each other up.  It's fun, and scary and weird.