just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

pain

A few months ago J and I went though a tough spot. 
We're fine now, and in counselling to resolve our communication issues. 

I was just sitting here thinking about a few things that where said back then.  One of them was that I wasn't sure I was ever happy in our relationship.  SO weird.  It's not true.  But I was in a place of major pain, so that's all I was feeling/remembering.  The negative aspects of our life together, and not how I felt daily.  My love.

What an interesting concept.  Feeling so angry that you can't remember ever feeling love.  And I suppose the other way around happens all the time too.

I wonder if practising mindfulness would help with that.  Being with, accepting and embracing those feelings.  Rather than getting sucked in and loosing yourself.

cooking with a new pan!

My Mom found a good deal on a set of cookware.  So she got them for us for Christmas.  I cooked dinner with the fry pan tonight!

Patty pan squash cut in half and sauteed in butter, the quickly tossed in fresh dried basil.  And then the fish was fried in the same butter.  Lid on, skin down.  The best part?  NOTHING BURNED!

sensed

it's been a while.
yesterday and today I:

Saw:
butterflies
unexpected friends
expected friends
old friends 
new friends
children watching

heard:
An amazing band
amazing friends jam
laughter
advice

tasted:
vegan cheesecake
a free lemon, orange ginger popcicle
shared cake

smelled:
the market
friends

felt physically:
a hand on my waist
hugs
kisses
cold cat noses
furry friends

Felt emotionally:
warmth
friendship
caring
awe
comfort
contentment

connection part two

So, after that last blog post (um...not the menu plan ha ha) My friend...lets call him Cory MacDonald, came up to me at a party and was all like...WTF Becca!?  OK, he didn't say that.  or maybe he did, I can't remember.  I had a whole glass of sangria...I don't remember a lot...that's also not true...the not remembering part.  I do remember.

that's why I'm *writing* this

(pardon me, I'm over tired and under coffee'd)

I had the pleasure of seeing Beat not once but twice yesterday.  It was lovely.  We where both at the party in the evening and spirits where high and we where flirty.  I somehow got on to the topic of my feeling regarding him (and North) with a handful of friends.  And they think I'm adorable (and crazy?)  But Cory was all like "WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM!?"  And I was all like "CORY!  I DON'T *KNOW!*"  So he explained it to me.  So what if I am sexually attracted to other people?  (he's married, and monogamous too...)  So?  So I have this connection with another man (crappit, men), what am I going to do about it?  Oh, nothing.  Because I love Jason, and I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. 
Oh.
Right.

*ahem*

I'll just be over here staring at this spot on the wall feeling rather silly.

I think it's important to note that it's important to *know* this.  To know what your boundaries are.  Beat and I know.  We actually talk about it (in a very not serious, joking, fun way...and I don't even know if he read my last blog post, or if he's just all SMRT like that, or both).

So all in all.  I feel better, and less crazy about it.  Thanks Cory MacDonald.  Smooch.
 

zee menu

Sunday:  Corn, beans, sausage
Monday: patty pan squash anf fish
Tuesday: pizza
Wednesday: walnut mushroom pasta
Thursday:potato broccoli and sausage, maybe zuccini
Friday and Saturday I'll be MIA at the inlaws girls weekend.  I'll be eating poorly!

connection

I have a friend, we'll call him Beat.  Beat is one of my favourite people.  I struggle with that.  Because Beat is male, and I'm a lady, and married.  (wait hold on, keep reading!)  I think that in a different life/time I might have been interested in being with Beat on a romantic level (no really...just listen).  I don't allow my mind to go there, because I am fiercely in love with J.  It's not even an option.  
Any way...I'm not writing about this because I'm concerned about my marriage in this regard.  That is rock solid. 
I'm writing about Beat because I struggle with my friendship with him. 
In the past, before marriage, I have been sexually active with, I'd say, 90% of my male friends.  and 75% of that 90% was because they where with someone.  (sometimes not because *I* was *shame*)
Beat and I have a lot in common.   This could also be said for another friend, North.  Same thing, different boy.  ANYWAY. 
Now that you think I'm a perfect n00b, and that I don't respect my marriage vows (that for your information we are renewing in September!)
I read a blog post recently by a new friend (a girl!!!) talking about love energy.

"How often do we sabotage ourselves against pleasure and love?  What's it like to really open to the possibility of allowing loving energy to move through our bodies?  And IF we actually let ourselves feel that, do we let ourselves share that with a partner?! ...we get worried, like "Oh, I am not supposed to be feeling pleasure with this person (or in this environment, or by myself)" so we shut it down, turn it off, and stop feeling.  We are basically sabotaging ourselves from feeling our own true, innate nature!"

I feel great pleasure and love when I am with (specifically) these two people.  I feel a great connection, one that is different than I feel with J.  And it's a little scary, because I am heterosexual, and both these guys like girls, strong energy is generally seen as 'chemistry' and that often leads to buh buh buh sex.

If these boys where girls it would be a different story and we'd be bffs and I wouldn't be scared.

So...what was my point.  I don't think I had one.  but I wanted to #1, share L's blog post because I found the concept interesting, and worth sharing, and valid to my terrible plight of feeling a connection to men other than my Hubby.  And #2 share these feeling because I wonder if I am alone in this, and if anyone has truly had a platonic, loving, NON SEXUAL opposite sex friendship work.  A *real* friendship, one you would have with someone of the same sex (or not your type sex) and it wouldn't be weird.

Is this something that would be worth talking to these guys about? 

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

for dinner

I made Kitchen Sink Soup for dinner tonight.

you know Anything but the kitchen sink.
(I also made more pudding.  it took less that 10 minutes!)

The only thing that is a constant in KSS is homemade chicken broth.

Today I made the broth with chicken breast bones from last night, an onion, a carrot, mushroom stems and basil leaves.  I simmered it until it smelled too good to bare anymore, then I drained the broth into a bowl and dumped the stuff, except for the carrot, I added that to the soup.
The premise of KSS is that you add what you have on hand.  Today it was:

Left over chicken
corn cut off a fresh cob
green beans
Shitaki mushrooms (the stems went into the broth!)
the carrot from the broth
buckwheat noodles.

I boiled the broth, added the stuff and waited for the noodles to be done.  Then I added more basil leaves.

I seldom don't add corn.  Usually it's frozen...
I often add a sausage.  I slice it up from frozen and add it in.
Then I add what ever veg. is in the fridge and other things laying around.  Zucchini, broccoli, garlic, onion, rice, soup beans (the cook quick), wild rice, carrots, potato, sweet potato, squash, spinach, shrimp, leftover meat/veg/pasta.

contemplating

I seem to be making headway with my counselling.  Lot's of *aha!* moments.  (Thanks Oprah, for that)  I've been having trouble with my boss.  He's been really negative lately.  Negative and forgetful.  He'll tell us one thing, and decided to do it another way and forget to tell us, and get angry when we didn't do it "right".  He's been on me a lot about "paying attention" and how things are "just common sense".  He tells me "well, I wouldn't have done it this way" when he doesn't give me detailed instruction.

I'm terrible at communicating, esp. in person.  I get scared that 1. I will hurt the other person, or 2. I'm way off base.  I grew up not being able to ask questions (of my dad).  He always wanted us to figure it out.  So I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.  I've had people ask me how I knew such and such...I just shrug and say "I just figured it out".  That works well in my job, not being given detailed instruction.  Except for the fact that I "should have known better"  or one of the above statements.  I have told Boss that I'm so new at this.  this is only me second season...EVER gardening.  Not just with him.  EVER.

So I just nod, and say "ok" and try to do better next time.  And I hold my breath when walking up to the shop every morning because I'm afraid of what he is going to say. 

I wish I could hate him.  I wish he was an asshole, but he's NOT.  I just happen to disapoint him on a weekly basis.

One thing my councillor asked me was if it was true.  Am I doing a poor job?  Am I messing tings up and ruining his business?  A resounding NO.  I'm doing the best job I know how. 

So, Back to communication.  I CAN'T DO IT.  If you know me in person, you may have noticed I don't ask questions of my friends.  I'm pretty quiet in conversations.  I just generally don't know what to say, out of fear. 

So in regards to Boss, it was suggested, that because I fear hurting him, and adding the last straw to his stressful home situation, I use positive reinforcement.  I was all like *duh*.  that's what I'm asking for, why shouldn't I lead by example?  So, when by chance he gives me detailed instruction, I can say "Hey Boss, thanks!  it really helps me feel more confident when you go step by step like that", rather than go right out and say "Boss, the way you do things doesn't work, I need you to tell me things step by step".

I'm hoping to incorporate this into my daily life with J.  And Pickle, and friends too.  So if you find me all of a sudden saying something like "hey friend, I appreciate it a lot when you call, it feels nice"  don't be all weirded out...I'm just trying to communicate!

workshop Wednesday! woop woop!

I made pudding yesterday.  with RICE MILK.

2 cups rice or soy milk (I'm going to try chocolate almond milk next!)
3 Tbsp corn starch  (I have potato starch, and I'd like to try that to stay away from GMO corn) *edit*  I used potato starch!  It worked like a charm.  You just need to cook it longer...but if you've never used corn starch...you'll never know!
1/4 cup (organic cane) sugar
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tbsp vanilla

In a double boiler combine ingredients with a whisk.  Bring water to a boil and keep whisking/stirring until pudding thickens.  Don't let the pudding boil.  Once it's thick, spoon into individual bowls or a medium glass bowl  Cool for 10 minutes and refrigerate.  I didn't even wait until it was refrigerated.

It tasted like pudding...looked like pudding.  YUM.

getting it out and down

Even if that means recanting in a few weeks.

So I suppose its no secret J and I are trying to get pregnant. 
This month has been a bit of a debacle regarding my charting.  I have a lot of blank spaces in my temperature chart...and I've only checked my cervix and mucus a few times.

At the same time though, I decided to just let go.  Sex hadn't been much fun.  Not when I announce..."OK!  Lets go!  we gotta make a baby!"  I think we missed ovulation last month due to...uh...stress.  So this month I told J that we just need to relax about it.  I know approximately when I ovulate.  By using FAM we have sex during that 10 day window...whenever.  I realize every 3 days is optimal...I stopped counting and decided to have fun.

yesterday, on day 23 of my cycle I started spotting.  I generally spot on day 28/29, a couple days before my 'true flow' starts.  I was feeling crampy, with mild sharp pain earlier in the day.  Just like period cramps.  I was so confused.  It's a week before my period is due.  I'm pretty darnd regular.  And then the spotting, that was different from my regular spotting. 

I've read that implantation happens around 9 days after ovulation...yesterday was (if I ovulated when I was 'supposed' to) day 11.

I polled a special list on FB and their experiences with implantation pain  where more severe than mine...but another friend's experience was the same...period like cramps and spotting.


DUDE...I'm trying SO hard not to get excited...I get excited every month.  And then I cry when I get my period.

BUT.  This is how I met J...ha!  I said.  "EFF this trying so hard...what ever happens happens"...and then...it happened.  so maybe...just maybe it happened again.

I'm not holding my breath though...maybe my cycle is whacked. 

sensed

Today I

Saw:
a bee rest
the same bee stick it's proboscis into the bottom of several hosta flowers and drink!
many bees enjoying anise flowers
a humming bird

heard:
a chickadee talk to me
a chorus of cicada
back yard jazz to brighten my day

tasted:
an apricot
many many cherries

Smelled:
Lemon Thyme
roses
lavender
something sweet unidentified


felt physically:
cool water
breeze from a bee
sun and shade

felt emotionally:
calmed

just a moment...

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

Greeting Cards!

I have a new page on my photography blog.  One that sells my images on greeting cards.  I take my photographs and hand sew them onto blank, white, recycled greeting cards.

urg

Today was a good enough day.  It was hot, I had to shovel.  I kept seeing, hearing etc.  My post planned out.

and then.  I get stung by a wasp...ON THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH.

bugger crept into my iced tea can...and I almost swallowed it. 

I would have stung me too.

sensed

Today I:

Saw:
rubber boots in puddles
an empty street
smiles

heard:
thunder
rain
wet streets
Singing directed at me!

smelled:
watermellon
blue cheese

Tasted:
food friends made/brought
blue cheese sandwich

felt physically:
warm cat body
hugs
kisses
childrens affections

Felt emotionally
Loved
love
happy

friends

I just got home from my birthday party.  It was supposed to be on the islands, but it was rather rainy.  I was going to cancel, but friends, the McMacs, offered their home to host.  So very very sweet.  It made my day.  Lots of friends where there, and they made me SO happy.

On my facebook invite 25 people said they'd come.  Several people let me know for what ever reasons they couldn't come (work, fleas...) and I know that, oh, a 1/4 of those yes' wouldn't make it.  I know some people who said yes have some static with others who said yes, so I figured they might not come.  But then, there where a few people who went out of their way to say that yes they where coming and that they where so excited because it's been a while.  and they didn't come. I don't even *bother* to get my hopes up anymore.  THEY NEVER COME.  Wait...maybe 4 years ago.  I don't know the last time I hosted something, or they said they'd come to an event and the actually show up.  Unless they are performing...and then it's still a bit of a crap shoot.  I am generally pretty relaxed about it.  I wave my hand and say "meh, whatever."  I'm writing about it because I don't understand WHY it happens.  Why do they say *yes* in the first place.  Why do they then talk about it, in the affirmative, and then WHY DO THEY NOT SHOW UP?  I generally get a "so sorry we didn't make it" with no reason...probably 'cause they don't have one.

It's starting to make me feel sad and worthless.  At least to them.  I *really* like these people.  Apparently they really like me and J too.  And it hurts when I'm not worth enough to show up. 

The friends who DO come, (or have really valid reasons for not coming) make it worth it.  It was such a nice, unexpected afternoon.

I got PIE for my birthday!

meditation

Part of Moose Man (see previous post) is workshops put on by participants.  they ranged from disco dancing, to shamanism, to bondage, to yoga or DJ basics.  I did a workshop on basic Buddhist meditation.

I thought I'd put up my (rough) notes...

Basics of meditation:
-let go of your thoughts
               -not about *not* thinking, but being mindful and letting go
-no judgment!  gentleness.  re. yourself.
-when a thought comes, think of it as a bubble, touch it with a feather, and pop it.  go back to your anchor-your breath
-if you get lingering feelings regarding that thought(s) -anxiety, anger,fear,frustration, over stimulation, distractedness- rest with that feeling.  don't push it away, don't run. (I used the analogy of meeting a bear...you never run from a bear.  you face it)
-The basics of Buddhas teachings is about about letting of your story line (this  thing happened, so I'm this, that thing happened so I'm that) and about opening, relaxing, leaning into what IS
-we're not in a movie-there is no plot-it doesn't matter if our life is a 'good story'.  what matters is *right now*
-'rest in the uncertainty of the present moment' (Pema Chodron)
-as it is about letting go of your story line, meditation is not about a goal
-meditation shouldn't be about becoming a better person...or about an end.  it's a life long practice
-not about throwing things away, but befriending what you are now.

"Sitting Meditation gives us a way to move closer to our thoughts and emotions and to get in touch with our bodies.  it is a method of cultivating unconditional freindlyness towards ourselves and for parting the curtain of indefference that distances us from the suffering of others.  it is our vehicle for learning to be a truly loving person" -Pema Chodron

I went through the postures of meditation.  here is a video of Pema going though seated meditation.

We talked about breathing with your diaphragm. 

I lead everyone in being aware of your body.  feeling your body with out thinking about it (like Pema goes though in the linked video above)

I guided everyone though a loving-kindness meditation.  (I used the 16th mp3 as a guide)  (I forgot a handful of stuff now that i'm listening again!)

Then we did a silent meditation for 10 minutes.

and a week later...

HMMM, where to start...

I'm 32 now.
I had one of the best weekends ever.
I'm STILL tired from it!  The weekend, not the fact I'm 32...I hope.

Last weekend I attended Moose Man.  WHAT MAN!?  WHO!?  you read right, Moose Man.  I seem to have fallen into a community.  Thanks to my friend Chico, who married Kitty, a 'burner'.
How do I even start to explain this thing I've fallen into, and fallen in love with?  first, go here.  (this is a pretty great video too...)This explains Burning Man...don't get lost...come back to me!  I've never been.  nor do I want to go.  I don't like the idea of being in the desert for over a week.  The *concept*  amazing.  (most of) The people/community, amazing.
So, Moose Man is a regional burn.  Where burners and like minded people from Toronto and surrounding communities get together for a weekend of fun in the northern Ontario woods.  It is a volunteer run event.  I happened to be on of the volunteers.  I was performance lead. 
Wait...where was I?
Right...Chico, Kitty, the Toronto Burning Man community, my amazing weekend.
That I still can't articulate.

I sang, I danced in the woods.  I stayed up all (most all) night.  Have you ever danced to an amazing DJ under a forest canopy surrounded by people dancing as...furiously passionate as you?  I am, as a general rule, not a person who parties.  I go to bed at 9:30pm, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I'd rather go to a picnic than party every weekend.  I have about 2 exceptions, and both are 'burner' events.

All weekend I was surrounded by....love.  It sounds pretty cheesy, and hippy.  But everyone was so open, and generous.  Full of life.

I *did* do mushrooms for the first time since I was 17.  And that is only the second time ever!  I had an amazing night with my friend Ms. Tuesday.  We danced and LAUGHED.  We had SO MUCH FUN.  The second night I was sober.  The reason I don't (generally) do drugs is because I don't feel I need them to have a good time.  My second experience with mushrooms showed me that it was fun, and...opening I suppose.  My sober night showed me I really didn't need them to really let go.  I enjoyed my time dancing MORE sober.  I got high on the DJ's vibe (she was enjoying herself so very much, I was so proud of her!), on the energy of the people around me.

I want to be back in the woods.  Dancing like no one is watching.


We burned an effigy.  My friend Drake built it all summer.  We had Dixon playing, and Fire spinners spinning, and Leslie  dancing.  It was...awe inspiring.  Here is a video my friend shot:

My friend Franklin built the "Temple of Passage" where we performed.  We burned that too.  Some of us wrote sentiments on it...I burned my set list from the show I put on the night before.  I was so stressed, and it turned out so well...I needed to let it go.

I hope to go next year.  I hope that J can come too.

Damn I wanna dance.

hold on! Just a moment!!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.