contemplating

I seem to be making headway with my counselling.  Lot's of *aha!* moments.  (Thanks Oprah, for that)  I've been having trouble with my boss.  He's been really negative lately.  Negative and forgetful.  He'll tell us one thing, and decided to do it another way and forget to tell us, and get angry when we didn't do it "right".  He's been on me a lot about "paying attention" and how things are "just common sense".  He tells me "well, I wouldn't have done it this way" when he doesn't give me detailed instruction.

I'm terrible at communicating, esp. in person.  I get scared that 1. I will hurt the other person, or 2. I'm way off base.  I grew up not being able to ask questions (of my dad).  He always wanted us to figure it out.  So I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.  I've had people ask me how I knew such and such...I just shrug and say "I just figured it out".  That works well in my job, not being given detailed instruction.  Except for the fact that I "should have known better"  or one of the above statements.  I have told Boss that I'm so new at this.  this is only me second season...EVER gardening.  Not just with him.  EVER.

So I just nod, and say "ok" and try to do better next time.  And I hold my breath when walking up to the shop every morning because I'm afraid of what he is going to say. 

I wish I could hate him.  I wish he was an asshole, but he's NOT.  I just happen to disapoint him on a weekly basis.

One thing my councillor asked me was if it was true.  Am I doing a poor job?  Am I messing tings up and ruining his business?  A resounding NO.  I'm doing the best job I know how. 

So, Back to communication.  I CAN'T DO IT.  If you know me in person, you may have noticed I don't ask questions of my friends.  I'm pretty quiet in conversations.  I just generally don't know what to say, out of fear. 

So in regards to Boss, it was suggested, that because I fear hurting him, and adding the last straw to his stressful home situation, I use positive reinforcement.  I was all like *duh*.  that's what I'm asking for, why shouldn't I lead by example?  So, when by chance he gives me detailed instruction, I can say "Hey Boss, thanks!  it really helps me feel more confident when you go step by step like that", rather than go right out and say "Boss, the way you do things doesn't work, I need you to tell me things step by step".

I'm hoping to incorporate this into my daily life with J.  And Pickle, and friends too.  So if you find me all of a sudden saying something like "hey friend, I appreciate it a lot when you call, it feels nice"  don't be all weirded out...I'm just trying to communicate!