ooops, I epiphanied all over my self!

Yesterday I posted this as my status update on Facebook:

"awwww crappit. I just figured out *for sure* that the thing I am most passionate about and lights me up the most is clowning. Why is this a bad thing? other than the fact I will never be a millionaire? well, it's not...but now that I know, I need to be accountable to myself and *do the work*. ignorance is bliss. HELP! (blog post to follow, once I eat something and stop crying) I'd like to thank North (for being a great friend and clown buddy and for posting the link about the clown study, the results of which made me epiphany all over myself), Sketchy and Fesso who are Edith Checkerspot's parents, Lunacy Cabaret, Kitty for being a circus nut and finding the circus scene for me, Jean-Paul Mullet for being a great clown and inspiring me SO much, Toronto Clown for the Clown Festival that has brought so many clowns for inspiration...and you you clown friends. red nose forever. (FUCK)"

So here is my explanatory post! 


North posted in mid March on Facebook a link to a short survey titles "clown psychology"


this is what the researcher said:

Welcome to this Clown Psychology Survey
The following 12 questions are about your experience and thoughts on "theatre clown" (not balloon-animal-childrens-party clowns).

There are no right or wrong answers. I am only interested in hearing your honest experience and perspective.  All questions are optional.

By learning about others' experience of clown I will aim to develop ideas of ways clowning can inform psychology and life. If you are interested in receiving information on my research please let me know and I can send you any "discoveries" or ideas once this is complete.

Thank you VERY much for your time.

Therese

and the questions where these: 

4. What words do you think of when you think about clown?

5. What does "clown" mean to you?

6. What attracted you to the art of clown? What is it that interests you about clown?

7. Who has/have been your clown teacher/s?

8. Is there anyone who inspires you as a clown? Are there any well known clowns you admire? If so, who are they?

9. What have you learned from clown?

10. What was the most challenging part of clown for you?

11. What do you think of the red nose? Do you like it, or not? Does it help you, or not?

12. Is there anything else you would like to add or share about your experience with clown?

So I filled it out (the first three questions where personal info...like e-mail address, to get more info later) filed it away in the old memory banks.

I got an e-mail yesterday with everyone's answers! (anonymously)

So there I am.  Reading everyone's answers, nodding and uh huh-ing.  And feeling really *good*.

And I realized that...Hey!  this feels good!  wait a second, it always does, the learning and listening and watching...

And I promptly burst into tears and said "shit!".  I realized that clowning was my passion.

Now, you may be wondering why I started to cry.  I started to cry because I have been searching for my passion for as long as I've known that passions existed and most people had them.   It was the light bulb moment of  "oooohhhhhhh, *this* is what I love".  

The "shit" part was in response to, now that I *know* I have to *do*.  I am now accountable to myself to not let this get away.  To push, and learn and do.  

I am not a pusher, a learner or a doer.  I've said it before.  I am a lazy mofo.  

Except.

Except when it comes to things I'd rather be doing.  So for now I'm safe.  The next little while will be easy.  I'll go to the bi-monthly clown jam.  I'll save my pennies.  I'll perform here and there.  My prediction;  then things will get hard.  I'll have a bad critique (which will be invaluable), or I'll get stuck, or I'll be rejected.  I'll have to *work* for it.  I'll have to push though the muck and work though my discouragement.

Because I want this.  

Not fame, not fortune, not even recognition.  I want to feel good.  I want to make people feel.  SOMETHING.  'cause theatrical clown isn't just about the laughs.  It's about feeling.

I think I'm getting off topic though.  This isn't about *clown*.  This is about passion.  I have several people in my life, some of whom I'd call friends, who have followed their passions and have made something of themselves though it.  (Sadie, Baxter, Dixon,...)  

(now...just to get a little defensive...I'm not saying that people who don't/can't make their living with their passion are doing something wrong!  I'm just looking at these people with awe, and respect.  You do what you have to do to survive, I respect that in anyone)


It's a scary prospect. How do I navigate this?  

I think the first thing is to start (continue) doing it.  I won't get good (better?) but not doing it.

I want to take more classes.  I need to put a small amount of money away for classes.  


And the biggest hurdle for me.  Believing in myself.