chipping away at my ego

Last I left you I had one interview, had been coached and had gotten my period.  And felt like crap.


I had a second interview on Sunday with the SM(see below for that these short forms mean) whose store I was being transferred to.  I practised my buzz words and jargon and BS in the shower, while making food, while tying my shoes.

I do the interview.  I kept seeing his eyes light up.  I was saying the right things.  In the right way.  And when he had a concern, he clarified.  It was brilliant.  *I* was brilliant.  Brilliant enough that in the 15 minutes it took me to get to work to start my shift, he had already spoken to my own SM to say how well it went.  She was beaming.

This was my FB status update on Sunday:

"so. apparently the other manager I interviewed with was on crack. (according my now manager, my words though, not hers) I aced this one. unless the DM thinks *I'm* on crack I've got the position. onward and upward and learning how to talk like a corporate douchebag."


Well.  I didn't even get as far as an interview with the DM.  

Yesterday, Monday, I start work at 10am.  My SM is visibly rattled.  Everyone is talking about how upsetting the DM can be.
Fast forward to 1:30, when I take my lunch.  
My SM tells me what happened.
Turns out, my first interview, the one that didn't go well, counts.   The DM has decided that my second interview, the really good one, doesn't, because I shouldn't have done it at all.  
She also said that The SM who wants to take me is just desperate and wants someone ASAP.
Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

My SM fought for me all morning.  
The DM called her a bully.  A BULLY. *sigh*

Now they are holding me back for a month so I can become more 'results oriented'.
The good thing is I get to stay at my new sore, with my awesome manager who fights for me.

My old SM did not.  That is why/how I got passed over for SS in the first place.  My old SM didn't stand up for me.

What was interesting was my reaction.  I kinda chuckled and said I didn't expect anything less.  It would have been great to have been promoted but I've been derailed so many times, maybe it just wasn't right.  Again.  

Maybe I say this just so I don't go mad, but 'things happen for a reason'.  I don't really care to know that reason.  Maybe I will save someones life.  Maybe someone will meet someone and they will have a baby and they will cure cancer.  Or, maybe I needed to make someone smile, so they can make someone smile.  Regardless.  It makes me feel better, and doesn't hurt anyone.

All this was fresh in my mind last night during Clown Jam.  We had a guest teacher who studied with Gaulier.  A master clown/performer/teacher who, in short, breaks you down to a raw nubbin.  Once there you are built back up.  It sounds harsh and terrible (and I'm sure it is!) but John explained it very well.  Better than I've heard it before.  I had a light bulb moment regarding my own clown performance.  And then we spoke about chipping away at the ego.  That raw nubbin, that is you, with no ego.  

I can take this Starbucks experience and become hardened and bitter.  Or I can allow it to make me into an egoless raw nubbin.  A smart, savvy, happy, unjaded raw nubbin.  


I *know* this isn't personal.  I know that because the DM doesn't know who I am.  Sure we've met.  But she's not my friend, or even colleague.

All I can do is take the sand blasting as a lesson.  And rise above. 


Also.  I be human.  I'm still cheesed.




DM- district manager, SM- Store manager, SS- Shift supervisor.