Sunday Morning

I have this amazing sense of peace right now.  I was about to say I wish I could share it with you, but I can in a way, after I write this I'll do a tonglen meditation directed specifically at those who are reading this post!  Cool.

This is a much nicer feeling than I had yesterday.  First day of my cycle is always the pits.  Tired, grumpy and sore.  It's amazingly hard to remember to accept when I'm feeling so terrible.  I took a pill instead.  I had a conversation with my mom once regarding remembering to notice and accept your moods.  She advised that in the beginning it doesn't matter *when* you notice.  Just that you do.  If it hits you a week later that you where a real grump, that's ok.  Accept it and move forward.  The more you remember the sooner you notice, and one day you will notice *before* a negative reaction happens.  I want to stress the word reaction.  Emotions are emotions and are there for a reason.  Anger isn't BAD.  Hitting is bad though.  Get my drift?

I'm getting too deep for a Sunday morning now. Ha ha.  I'm going to go back to listening to the rain and enjoying my coffee and waiting for Kiki to come drop in.  (geeze, she's up early on a Sunday!  good thing I've already lazed abed for over an hour already)

Don't let this rainy day get you down.  Here is an early morning November Rose.

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A change

There is a change in me.
I'm not so...jaded...as I thought I was.
Since I've been at the cafe, I've realized, I don't really hate people.  Gosh,. for the longest time I did.  ugh.  But lately I've noticed that the kinds of things that use to bug me, just, don't.  I know that people are dumb, so it must be me who has changed.  Being nice, or liking people still doesn't come naturally to me, but this shift is interesting.
Not sure if it's been my dabble into Buddhism, or therapy, or just getting older.  But you know me, I don't really care why.  Hells, I *smile* at strangers, and it doesn't feel forced.
Although, it would be kinda nice to be able to tell you my secret so people could learn from me.  Oh well, a guru I am not.

walking

I decided I didn't want to listen to music walking home last night.  It's about a half hour walk.  I decided that I was going to 'be in the moment'.  I was, and it was a good walk.  I practiced tonglen, and smiled at strangers.  (aren't I amazing?)  I did some passive thinking, had conversations with people.  I got to thinking about how a lot of people see Buddhism and kind of martyrdom.  Taking on suffering and suffering in it.  It's not like that at all.  Tonglen practice is simply breathing in the feeling of suffering, taking it, changing it, and breath out, essentially, the opposite.  I like to think in analogies, so I came up with this:  it's like baking a cake.  you put in all these raw, potentially harmful ingredients into an oven, and it processes and is something 'good'.  Don't ask me how.  It just is.

early thinking

trying out writing an early post.

What is on my mind is thinking.
Specifically thinking too much.
There are several people in my life that think too much.  One is J.  I won't out the others.  If you know me, and are reading this, this is not a cryptic 'you know who you are' post!  I *promise* I'm not judging.

I don't sit and think things through.  I go with my gut.  Sometimes it back fires.  But really, more often than not, things go as smoothly as life can go.  I swear to golly, every time I make lists and consult the stars and think things though, life/universe/God/whathaveyou say "heh, look, she's planning again.  ha ha, she's trying to figure it all out"  things go to shit.  and maybe things would have gone to shit *anyway*, but in the meantime I've stressed myself out with numbers and stars and +/- lists.

For example.  In 2010 we where all set to get pregnant.  It was all I was thinking about.  It was what I was planning.  I was going to get pregnant *this* month, and work the full season.  and then.  J's back happened.  GIANT WRNECH.  Similarly this year, specificity with baby plans.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  The  one thing I deeply think about and try and plan.

Maybe it's because I don't like to be disappointed.  Fly by the seat of my pants, I get what I get.

I don't want you to think I just float along, not planning.  My point is more about the type of person who analyses every angle and gets stressed out, eventually makes a choice,  and then is inevitably disappointed in the outcome because they have built it up and made this scenario that didn't factor in "shit happens"

J sees my point of view and thinks I don't care.  J thinks I brush off the responsibility of thinking things through.  I often say.  "It will be ok"  When I say that I don't mean everything will work out in our favour, or that all our dreams will come true, or even that we will *like* the outcome, but that we will survive, and do all we can do, because we always have.

Christmas making

So, like last year, I can't really talk about a lot of the gifts I'm making here, at least not *before* Christmas...someone might not be surprised!

So, in the mean time, until I can reveal what I'm making, here are a few posts from last Chrismas that might inspire your making this year!

Here is the tutorial for the bodum cozy.  I made one for my mom, J and my dad.  They all though it was great!
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/03/tutorialthursday-french-press-cozy.html

Maybe someone would like a home made day planner?
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-planner.html

some of the things I made/bought last year
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2010/12/giftmas-roll-call.html
and some photos of what I made
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2010/12/holiday-making-share.html
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/01/pom-pom.html

I thought I did a tutorial for the leg warmers.  hrrm.

any who.  keep your eyes peeled for a few Christmas making posts!  Not everyone is reading this (I hope!)

this week in foods

FEW!  what with working so much, I haven't been feeding us very well.  I had J take over dinners a few nights.  I'm off earlier on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I can do a little moreand make something that we can have as leftovers.  And now...what'll it be?

Sunday-lentil soup
Monday-lentil soup
Tuesday-a chicken and rice
Wednesday-chicken curry...and rice.  I think I'm going to try it in the slow cooker!
Thursday-spaghetti
Friday-spaghetti
Saturday-out

this whole work thing

I'm pooped!

I need to come up with a good time to write here.  Writing at the cafe doesn't work.  I need to keep my train of thought.  evenings Is J time.  I'm thinking mornings while I eat my oats.

I had to reprimand a girl yesterday.  I was a little worried.  I hate that kind of stuff.  But she took it well.  She's 18, and this is her first job.  Kinda...ditzy.  It's amazing what no life experience is like!  Flower (the co-habitant of the cafe space, who runs a florist shop, and who ran the cafe before we took over) says she'll do anything you ask.  18 asks a lot of questions.  Why is it done this way?  Why can't I have people in the cafe when it's closed?  Poor girl is pretty clueless, but the fact she asks questions (I hope means) she is learning. 

The job overall is a good one.  I feel like it's below where I should be in life, or maybe I feel that pressure from others, but hell, I'm a manager at least.  One of my dreams is to own a cafe, so this is one step closer to knowing how.  Maybe it feels like a step back because I've been doing cafe stuff so long.

I've also been feeling somewhat Manic.  I get to worrying that I'm going to crash.  I'm trying to remember to just be with the high, and not anticipate a fall.


The past few weekends I've seen friends a lot.  That certainly helps.  Thems good people.

today. it's Monday.

I don't really feel I have a whole lot to say these days.  I guess I don't do a lot of thinking at work. 

Today I found out that a man in the Burning Man community passed away.  I didn't know him well, but he sure was a light.  His 'playa' name was camp councillor Brad.  He was kind and happy.  He was at the party Saturday.  I don't know what happened, how he died.  It sure puts things in perspective.

I guess this is just me sending out some love.  And acceptance.

haiku

 My weekend of haiku.  This was a rare party weekend.  A house party Friday, and a large d.j. party Saturday.

Hey friends! It's Friday!
you know what that means? PARTY!
Monday will be hard

I love my friends lots
my throat hurts from talking loud
tomorrow! again!

I can't seem to clean
instead I will make my wings
I will fly tonight

sparkles and feathers
all over the livingroom
it must be decomp

breakfast for dinner
gives energy for dancing
digest some glitter

my eyes are bleary
that was an amazing night
lets do it again

she sips earl grey
cheering on Éowyn
"I am no man"

cries with Éomer
wash away last nights makeup
not all is lost

 

 

 

 

 

 

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

Haiku

I've been writing haiku for my facebook status updates since Monday.  I thought I'd share!  If I keep it up, maybe it will be a weekly thing.  I started because I wanted to vent, but didn't want to whine.  I thought getting creative with my words would make saying how I feel more satisfying than just complaining.  Mine aren't 'traditional' in subject, and follow the 5, 7 5 syllable.  Maybe I'll look into what a haiku really is and get deeper.  But for now, my focus is getting it out!

first day full time work
it's been a really long time
I hope I make it

day two, full time work
ten hours a day is lots
glad to be working

today, just my feet
hurt. my eyes, they are drooping.
Jason made dinner

Friday, Saturday,
Sunday off. Looking forward
to a fun weekend

it was a cool one
I miss the sun already
take me to san fran

going to bed now
it is almost the weekend
one more day of work!!

a surprise visit
kisses and introduction
I am still smiling

I walked home from work
Jason rubbed my poor sore feet
and now, off to bed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh my goodness!

I forgot workshop Wednesday!!
We'll try agian next week.
oh, and go check out some photos on Becca Photographs!

wowie zowie

I forgot what it was like to work! 
I started a new job Monday.
I had been looking for a winter job, and applied for a baking position.  The owner saw how much cafe experience I have, and interviewed me for a cafe manager role.  She hired me to help open, and run the new location.  It is an established cafe, and we are taking it over.  I came in a week early to give it a go.  I must say, I do like my down time.  I'll have to learn to take it wheI can again. 

I'm trying (again) to be more responsible around the house.  I'm not a very good house wife!  I cook, but that's about it.

the MIL

I am of the unfortunte ilk of having a MIL I'm not thrilled about.  Trying times are held by all when we visit.
J is fiercely loyal, even though he gets the brunt of the "abuse".  She like to pick fights, and she loves having family around.  If I told her the sky was blue, she'd argue that it wasn't.  She likes to be helped in the kitchen, but god forbid you wash the dishes a different way.
On the other hand, She is loving, and is physically affectionate.  She likes to give.
It's hard to have my own take on life, green, the want for no plastic/battery operated toys for our future kids, homeopathics...  I'm learning to be fast in my beliefs with concessions to what she thinks.
For example, she thinks the green movement is hilarious, because in her generation, people re-used everything until it fell apart.  I joke with her about the new word "upcycling", but point out how great it is that regardless of what 'they' call it.
When she forgets and has a good time she can be a riot.

i am frusterated

I am Grumpy.  I don't mean that I'm grumpy today, or when I'm PMSing.  I have come to the realization that I *really* don't like people.I see people I consider friends on my terms see?  I don't feel like being social, I don't go out.  (huh, do I cancel plans a lot?? I'm sorry if I do.)
The people I've spoken to about the way I act around and treat J don't understand.  "but you are so loving and sweet!"  my reply, "That's because you don't live with me."  Don't get me wrong, I *am* loving and sweet to J, just not all the time.  Most if the time I'm a bit of a jerk. 
Part of the problem is I'm not all that self aware.  That is changing some.
Part of it is entitlement.
Those things = mega bitch. 

(one day when Pickle was here we made super hero/villain names, J was Captain Obvious,Pickle was...huh, I can't remember, but I was The Pain.)

J deals with it fairly well, but when he has his own problems he doesn't.

For example.  I've been noticing (yay...self aware) that the last couple days I've been super grumpy.  In part because I have been sick, and not breathing properly since Thursday.  Not an excuse, just a reason.  Jason does this thing where he glances at me, over and over, when I'm in a mood, and since I'm in a mood, I finally 'say' "What!?".  And he does the "oh...nothing" thing.  This morning I say "Please stop being passive aggressive and just TELL ME what I'm doing that is bothering you?"  (because a lot of the time I really don't know how bitchy I am)  His big thing is getting defensive, so, because *he* is stressed out (oh life and your curve balls), says "fine, I'll just be aggressive, don't talk to me today"  and *I* say "next time try being assertive instead of aggressive and just tell me what's wrong"

We haven't spoken since. 

Wait, what was I talking about?

Me being a grump. 
We have Sisu staying with us.  I like her.  She's an excellent room mate.  But having someone in my space has made me realise how anti social I really am.  *sigh*  (so Sisu, if you are reading this, it's me not you!)

I think things are worse *right now* because I'm not working, *and* I have a broken finger in a huge splint *and* have bronchitis so I have hardly been out of the house for almost a week.  And sex with bronchitis...ha.

workshop wednesday

reusing...or 'upcycling' socks.

I have a bag of lost socks.  J has a heavy heel, producing holes in the heel of socks, leaving the rest unworn.  I have trouble throwing these items out.  I have trouble throwing perceived still usable items out in general.  Yes, even socks with heel holes.  I suppose darning is an option, but these are 'sport' socks...
We had sometimes used socks as dusters.
And then, I got my wild idea.

Cloths.

miss matched and holey socks

cut off the toe, heel and top

I cut through the bottom of the sock top make better use of the less worn top

I haven't  figured out what to do with the toes, heels and tops though haha.