This might be WAY To Much Information. Just sayin' no apologies.
Project MakeBaby is ready to launch.
I was in Shoppers today, and prenatal vitamins where on sale. I have been taking a B multi vitamin (a 'stress release') up until now (it has the 'right' amount of folic acid in it) but I thought since they are on sale I may as well go all out since we're going for it.
My friend Sadie had told me about a store called Red Tent Sisters. A store devoted to all things women. From fertility, to your menstrual cycle, to pregnancy to sex. I felt compelled to go there today. And do you know what I found out!? Normal lube hurts sperm! I mean...not enough to be used as contraceptive, but maybe enough to hurt when one is trying to conceive. They have a couple lubes that do not hurt sperm, and there is a package that has two all natural lubes, one that is sperm friendly and one that restore the pH in ones vagina (TMI?). oh! and it includes ovulation test strips. cool. It's called Yes Baby.
Now the truth. I'm scared. I am about to try and bring a human being into the world. WTF. This is FOREVER. I mean, even if I have a miscarrage, or the baby is stillborn...it is still forever. Something that will be with me the rest of my life. If (when please God) I carry a baby full term, and it lives, I will be caring for this human for the rest of my life. Loving this human, this human that isn't even a zygote at the moment, FOREVER. I have very little concept. I've had pets. I think of them. not daily, but they entre my thoughts everyso often. Poor old wiener brain, our sweet Kitty. Our rats, Bubba and Malko. If I feel that amount of love for an animal. WOW. If I feel this much Love for J. If I feel this much Love for *my* Mommy, and my Sister (and for heavens sake! even my father). God, how will I survive the love for my child. Like Ricky Fitts says in American beauty, "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in" That's what I feel like, and shit...I'm not even pregnant!
I suppose though, I'm not the first person who will get pregnant, and love their children so much they feel like their heart is going to implode. I sure hope I'm not the only woman who loves her baby before its even conceived.
I guess, it's time to jump in, I've wanted this so long. Do I even know what I'm getting into!? I suppose if I wasn't scared people would worry. I am friends, I am.