healing with photography

breath 1

breath 2

breath 3

breath 4

compassion

focus

pain

*edit*

This morning at 8:30 the sun came over the building across the street.  As it shone in my eyes, I felt like I could breath again.  I hadn't realized I was holding my breath.

miscarriage

The miscarriage 'proper' is happening now.  For you ladies who have *terrible* periods, I have a feeling it's like that, with the added sadness of the loss of the baby.

I just want to go to bed.  I just want to sleep it all away. 

This is the hard part, and there is nothing anyone can do. 

I'm in labour...but I don't get a baby at the end. 

I'm feeling deflated.  A crumpled up sack.

an observation

how interesting...
the views on the blog have gone up since my sad news...no one seems to 'care' when things are good...but will swarm over when one talks about pain and suffering.

just an observation...not a judgement. 

hair

I'm sitting here on a super rainy/snowy grey day.  I am drinking my first coffee in 3+ months.  I have a hair appointment scheduled for noon. I wish I didn't have raised moles on my head.  I'd shave it off.  I want to be like a snake and shed this skin.  I guess I'll have to do it emotionally, rather than physically.  I'll likely go for a super short pixie cut ala Wynona or Emma.  Maybe shorter. 
All I want to do is go blow all my money and get a tattoo.
I want to go get drunk.  But I won't.  That won't make the sad go away.

Instead, I'm going to pick my camera back up (I was feeling so tired and unmotivated during pregnancy I hardly touched it), and see what I see and share it with you.

hurt

I hurt.  My whole body hurts right now.  I think the actual miscarriage is starting.  Feeling rather crampy.  I have a headache from the crying.  My lower back has been sore for a while now.  And I'm just *tense*. 
I took 2 tylonal earlier...but I don't remember what time, so I'll wait a little longer, maybe take some with dinner.

I was about to apologize. 

I'm not going to.  I need to get this stuff out. 

I feel heavy.  Half physical, and half in the '70s sense of 'that's heavy', 'cause if anything is 'heavy' this is.


I'm feeling very thankful that we got to see a midwife Tuesday.  She has been very helpful.  The nice thing is that now that we have been a client, even only for 2 days, we have even more priority for next time.

I'm thankful for social media.  Even though I officially announced the pregnancy Tuesday (hey, we saw a midwife...it was official...), and had to tell everyone 2 days later we lost it.  The feeling of love and positivity from people is helpful.  And my darling Marni sent flowers.  Friends are good.


There is a dinner for friends next Friday night.  I would like to go.  I want to surround myself with happy.  I hope I'm past melt down mode by then.


My mind keeps going to adoption.  I'm scared I won't be able to carry full term.  The radiologist found something odd (I don't know what...I'll find out Monday when I see the obstretition), so I worry.  We've go a history, on all sides of adoption, so the thought sits well with me.


I'm sure I'll have some more random thoughts later.  Thanks for listening if you are.

some random thoughts

I feel weird for thinking some of these things...but I want to get them out.  maybe I won't feel like throwing up any more.

I can go to Mooseman (a weekend camping trip, I would have been 8+ months preg) and Orphan Burn (an afternoon/evening on the island, would have been due)  now.
I can eat sushi, caffeine, booze and deli meat again.
A friend told me that she didn't want to see babies...or it was hard...I'm feeling the opposite.  I want to cuddle and smell them all.
I'm not feeling sad about other peoples babies.  I'm feeling really happy for them.  for real.  I'm still sad for me though.
I won't be 8 and 9 months pregnant in July and August. 
*edit*  more...
my mom won't have to worry about missing the first days of school. being a teacher, and my doula, this was an issue.  maybe next time she'll be off.
*edit2*
now I'm just fat.  it was a whole lot more fun being 170lbs when I was pregnant. 
but, now I can get in better shape for next time.



One thing I told Mrs. MacDonald (who was very lovely and thoughtful and sent me a message) was that it feels like when you are eating a favourite snack, and you eat the last one with out realizing, and then all of a sudden there is no more, that disappointment, with more sad and more feeling lost and loss. 



I'm taking tomorrow off and have Saturday off.  My manager is wonderful (so is the shift I spoke to last night) and she is going to take care of getting the shift covered.


I have a feeling that I'm not going to tell *anyone* next time.  I'm just going to show up one day with a baby.

fuck.

Rizo died at about 8 weeks.  not trying to make sense of it right now.  I just found out.  just trying to...accept it. 

I feel like throwing up.

gifts

People are already asking what we need...all the big stuff (stroller, rocking chair, high chair, car seat, bassinet) is covered, my cousin is 4 months ahead of me in her pregnancy so we'll most likely get a lot of stuff from them.  (maybe?  I wouldn't want to assume!)
We don't want things made with plastic or batteries or lead paint. 
Second hand is most welcome. 
Books books books! 
We like the colours red, teal, green and orange and aren't worried about putting a boy in pink and a girl in blue, but we will draw the line at 'forcing' a boy into a dress or something characteristically feminine. 
(I realize at 3 months he wouldn't give a rats ass what he was in, but I'd also like him to make the *choice* to be 'different' if that is indeed what he wanted, and vice versa!  this is a whole other subject though...)
I am going to look into a diaper service and would love it if people who are in the mind to get us a gift to donate to the diaper fund.
Handmades are SO welcome!
We're (or, ahem, I am) planning on breast feeding, and not using soothers (obviously things may change, but this is an ideal).
I've heard that one can never have enough cloths and flannel wraps.
I also have a pin board for Rizo  go check out the kinds of things I'm drawn to!
And really, what would ultimately be helpful, would be later aged stuff, for 6 month on...babies are easy, but the older they get, the more money one needs to spend!

I'd also like to make sure that people know that I am not fishing for gifts!  I really don't people to feel obligated!!
I give because I am moved to do so, and when you get a gift from me it is because I want to...I hope that is the same with you.

Sunnybrook

I must say, I'm torn as to where I want to have Rizo.  Part of me wants a home birth.  *most* of me wants a home birth.  But there is still that bit that thinks being is a hospital would be best.  From what I understand, using a midwife in a hospital means the midwife is in charge and it's an extra precaution in case something *does* go wrong.  I have (had?) a condition called ITP, meaning that my platelets are not stable.  Platelets are what clot your blood.  I'm not acute, and my platelet levels are high enough (although, I should *really* get to my GP and get some blood work done, no?), it is still a concern. 

Other considerations are that, as Ms. Foxes pointed out to me last night, that a factor in *her* decision was the laundry to do after!  I have no doubt that I will not be the one doing it, but...it *is* a consideration!

anywho, we still have some time, and the midwives to chat with.

Pluses on Sunnybrook:

I can have J and a secondary support person, who aren't considered visitors.
They have a BATHTUB!  and rooms with a 3 sided tub for water births
The birth rooms are private and have a lounge and a reclining chair.

potatoes and Twigg

I'm making potato latkes for breakfast this morning.  These are something new to me.  I made some a few months ago with success.  The reason I'm making them today is that J bought a 10 Lb bag of potatoes.  I had asked for a *small* bag.  Silly Husband.  We also have a lot of eggs.  J miscalculated the date and bought 50% off eggs that expire soon.  I see baking in my future!

Blueberry oat buns, carrot muffins (because *I* over bought carrots, even I make shopping blunders), blueberry banana bread!?  (I bought 3 giant bags of blueberries for $2.  not a mistake!)  Maybe a carrot cake for Friday.  I'm having some ladies over.  Girls night in! 


Today we see our secondary midwife for the first time.  I'm almost 3 months, and I haven't even seem my doctor yet! 

We're going to Seventh Generation.  I knew the approximate area, but I just looked it up and it's *right* across the street from my teen hangout, Bickford Park, and Twigg, our giant tree.  Man, how I wish I had a scanner, I have a bunch of photos I'd love to show you.  I might have to do the old photograph a photograph trick!  I ended up befriending a group of kids from another high school.  I went to Oakwood C.I., and they went to Harbord C.I.  Mother forgive me, but I would skip school to go hang out with Mr. Smith and his crowd.

*Those* where the days.  Anywhere from 3-12(+) 16-18 y/os hanging out under and *in* Twigg, Mr. Smith playing Canoe the guitar.  Singing, swinging, lounging on each other.  Good times. Good times.  As we would say (way back then...15 years ago!).  I think the core crowd are all 'married' with kids now.  That just blows me away.

Birth Markings

I found this short doc. really moving and interesting.
Several woman talk about their post-partum bellies.

here we grow again!

Like I've said before, being pregnant is *very* strange.  I feel SO bizzare! 

Do you remember the growing pains in your legs when you where little?  well, I have that in my abdomen!  Still being in the first trimester I still feel worried when there crampy feeling happen.  They are sort of similar to period cramps, with out the pain.  A little like gas cramps too.  Regardless, cramps of any sort are scary during the first trimester.  Miscarriage is always on my mind (not a constant *worry* per say, but always there)

Thankfully my cousin is a trimester ahead of me, so I get to glean from her experience.  She just blogged about growing again, and what it feels like...*phew*  made me feel better.

My lower back hasn't stopped hurting.  I'm figuring it's the ligaments streeeeeching out, as stretching doesn't hel at all.  I've been practising 'standing meditation' and other correct tai chi standing while being stationary (washing dishes, at the cash or bar)  One tai chi teacher is forever correcting my pelvis tilt.  I tend to stick my bum out, where I need to be making it more flat.  This will help me immensely later on when sciatica is a concern.

And just the fact that I'm growing a *human*.  So weird!

oh dear

J just lost his job.  He was still on probation so they just let him go.  Some lame reasons, but nothing (at least on my side) that was really warranted.  Most employees give warnings and notices don't they? 
And I'm still not getting the hours I need from Starbucks.

I'd love your good thoughts and positive energy and prayers if you are of that mind. 

This is scary.  We haven't recovered from J being off work 2 summers ago. 

I just reminded myself about leaning into fear.  Accepting these circumstances (I don't have to like them to accept them!) and not letting fear overtake me.   So much easier said than done!

I Love

The Pioneer Woman posted yesterday a list of things she loves.
I thought it would be fun to do the same!

I love (in no particular order)

sunshine

breezes

Mommy

Sister

J

knitting

goat cheese

pizza

fuchsia

Grandma and Grandpa

yoghurt and a hard tart apple

Ben Harper's music

effort made by friends

Rizo

my 'new' bed

sinking into my new bed

waking up with J

fresh strawberries and peaches

new macs (the fruit!)

Tank Girl

taking photographs

J with a mohawk

Little Women

funny thought

I have two brains in my body...

hope the zombies don't come after me. 

I am amazed at how much makes me cry now.  I am moved my so much and it's a little overwhelming.  I guess the best plan of action is to be with the feeling while it's there and move on.

Being pregnant is the strangest thing in the world.

*edit*  other strange and wonderful things...because I'm pregnant, I get to wear YOGA PANTS TO WORK!  yes yes yes!  and I don't have to tuck in my shirt either!  HUZZAH!

feeling down

I'm feeling blue today.

I left work early because I was feeling dizzy.
That was 8:30, it's 1 pm and I'm still feeling dizzy.
I googled dizziness during pregnancy and it's normal.  My blood vessels are opening up to give Rizo more blood...but that is leaving me with less in my poor brain.
I was going to go see a friend and his band play this afternoon.  I had a shower and got dressed, but I don't think I'll be up for it.  Dizzy doesn't make for good socializing.

I'm also at the stage where, although I'm showing, the bump is just...not round and...obvious.  It's doing a number on my self esteem.  I'm looking forward to...month 5? when it's obvious I'm pregnant.

And J has been gone for the weekend and I miss him.  Hugs are very important to me. (um...so is J...not just for the hugs...)


And I'm crying at EVERYTHING.  Criminal Minds to Rapunzel! 

The sun is shining, I'm going to attempt a short walk to buy a steak.  And some sort of veg I suppose.

*edit*

The wonderful Mr. and Mrs. MacDonald came and picked me up and brought me (and them) to the show.  I have the best friends evar.  Feeling less dizzy.  YAY!  *now* off to get the steak!

letters

I *finally* guilted more friends to give me their mailing addresses. 
I guess I never asked anyone specifically, but I always have jumped at the chance to get snail mail...so I thought that my first request would garner better results...

Third time's a charm.  Third time cheating and going on facebook and whining about how I miss everyone!  ha ha.  Those trips back *did* show me that I'm not missing much...I don't *really* need to know most of the things people post.  I'm sure I'm missing good music...and news.  I know nothing now.  The world would have ended and I may not know...'cause Starbucks would stay open...they always do.

Like I said a couple posts ago, I have lost my motivation.  Rizo must have taken it to keep growing.   I was hoping that staying off Facebook would help more...but Pinterest has taken over that spot some.  That and knitting while watching Criminal minds...poor Rizo...should I be watching something 'nicer'?

Or I really *should* (fuck you should) be writing letters because that is *why* I got off the Facebook in the first place.  I just sent out my first week Monday, and wrote 2 this morning.  I'm not *really* slacking, the goal on month of letters is 24, one each mailing day.  The one stat. holiday and the weekends don't count.

I bought some recycled envelopes the other day, which is why it took me a week to get out my first weeks worth.  The note cards my dad made me didn't come with envelopes (thanks dad...sheesh.)

It's really interesting writing, because I always feel stumped at that blank space.  How will I ever fill that up!?  I've been on and off writing to my grandparents for years, and Grandma told my dad that she enjoys my letters because they are so chatty.  I try and write a one sided conversation to her.  not just what is going on, but observations and such.  So far the letters to my friends have been on the shorter side.  Note cards aren't very big. I'm also so used to them knowing, or at least I'm used to putting everything on Facebook, so I assume they know.  I'm also feeling shy.  A little self conscious.  I've bullied you into giving me your address and as Cory MacDonald said...Make it good!

I hope this becomes successful and continues!  I hate the phone, so maybe opening up on paper will help me open up on the phone too!

10 weeks

I'm 10 weeks now. 
I have a belly, although I *think* if you didn't know me, or that I was pregnant you may just think I was fat ha ha.   I have one pair of pants that fit, other than work clothes.  I think I'm going to attempt the long shirt/elastic idea and see how far that will get me before buying anything bigger yet.

I've gained about 5 pounds, but seemed to have stopped there.  My appetite has slowed down some.  At the beginning I was hungry all the time.  I'm feeling like I'm eating less, more often.  4 or 5 times a day, but little meals. 

I walk to and from work.  20 minutes each way, so 40 minutes moderate exercise 4-5 times a week, plus Tai Chi is pretty good to me.  I'd like to try aqua fit, but I'm just pooped after work.  Although I do seem to be less tired that I have been.  Not so much like I'll fall asleep if I sit down, and more like I'm not getting *quite* enough sleep.  (Which I am...trust me!)

Still have occasional queasiness, mostly in the morning, but nothing bad at all, and I generally walk it off on my way to work.

I finished Rizo's sweater!  I'll take some photos soon.  Want to do a hat to match.

motivation

you have any?  I seemed to have lost the tiny amount I had. 

I think I need to not be allowed to sit down until I do SOMETHING on my list.  This does not include knitting.

OMG!  I'm knitting a baby sweater and it's SO SMALL!  eeeee!  (guiltily, because I still have to finish my mom's Christmas socks...I'm halfway done the second sock...about to turn the heel...)

Things I need to do:
-change the sheets
-put the laundry away
-DO MORE laundry (it's been that long)
-mend pants and dress for J and Sisu


Things I'm managing to do that need to be done:
-tidying the kitchen
-cooking dinner
-picking up the clothes off the floor

Things I'm doing instead of the things that need to get done:
-knitting said baby sweater (in red with grey accents)
-watching Criminal Minds
-making marmalade that Rizo won't stomach (anyone want some extra bitter yet yummy home made marmalade?  made with pomello, lemon peel and Starbucks mango orange juice)

already, more time

I've been off Facebook for a whopping 9 hours.  I was sleeping for 8 of that!  the 'bump in the road' I've already come to is, what do I do with those little thoughts that always go in my status updates?  Like, right now, I was convinced this week was pay week.  It's not.  I had this urge to tell 'someone', say something like "crappit, thought today way pay day...thank goodness EI came through."  No one needs to know that.  It's not something to write a blog post about...(well, unless you are...)

I turned on my computer today because I wanted to check the weather.  I checked my e-mail and "becca reads" to your right.   and, that took all of a minute.  And unless I want to start pinning, or blogging, I'm done for the day!  I like that.

It's 4:51 am.  I have to leave for work in 10 minutes.  I don't need to get sucked into the internet, then scramble.  If it weren't for the weather, I don't think I'd bother turning the computer on at all.



Also, I wrote 2 'letters' yesterday.  My dad made me note cards from 5 of my photographs for Christmas, and now I get to put them to good use!  hooray!

A letter a day

I am officially off Facebook for the month of February.  Instead, I am writing letters.  Old fashioned snail mail.  We'll see how it goes and how many people actually write me! 

If you know me on the Facebook, message me there and I will include you in my letter writing.  If not...well, I'm not quite ready to give strangers my address...Sorry...but I encourage you to do the same! 

I'll still be here though.

dreams

I've been dreaming of Rizo.  I've had two very odd dreams, BOTH with my old friend Mr. Smith (old as in I've know him for 15 years...he's my age).

I can't remember a lot of details.  Although maybe once I start talking about them I will...

The one thing I remember about the first one is that Mr. Smith was holding me and rocking me back and forth.  I wasn't upset though.  Supposedly I was far along in my pregnancy, but I was only as 'big' as I am now.  I think we where underground.  Very low ceiling anyway, tunnel like.  He told me it was a boy as he rubbed my stomach.  I felt very safe.

In the second dream I was in labour (I have been reading birthing books before bed!).  again I was not showing, but I was full term.  I was mildly confused as to why my stomach was so flat, but I wasn't *worried*.  things are fuzzy as to where Mr. S fits in, but he was there.  all I remember was the labour slowing down, and this being upsetting.  things where starting to get frantic, and we (who??) where on St. Clair, waiting for a streetcar?? somewhere between Oakwood and Bathurst.  I woke up feeling scared.

the biggest scared

Everyone keeps asking if I'm freaked out (about being pregnant).  I pause.  Because, I'm not freaked out.  This is something I've wanted for a long time.  It's already thrown me for a loop, being so very tired, missing parties already, my body changing.  I've been ready for this since the first weeks I was with J. 

There is one thing I'm most scared of though.  It's post post-partum depression.  Being SO depressed I don't even want my baby around.  So overwhelmed all I do is cry.  That is my biggest worry.  That, and that J won't be able to deal with it. 

Although on that note, he's been *really* good with me lately.  I've been pretty stable mood wise.  I was worried I was going to be a basket case.  I have my moments, and when they happen (melt downs about my pants not fitting and such) he's so amazing.  But I worry about ongoing stress.

I suppose we will have to take it all as it comes, just like I live the rest of my life.