I has a sad. or my first world problems.

here comes my 1/4 life crisis.  or, a wave of depression...or you know, I was just laying in bed thinking.

I'm 32.  I don't have a job.  OK, wait.  I have a job.  Maybe.  In the spring.  But it's a job I don't want.  Partly because I'm not enjoying it any more, part because the stone work is to physically hard, and *that's* what I enjoy doing.  But I'm not going to wreck my body and injure myself.  Part because my boss went off the deep end last season and has odd expectations off me and has no patience for when I don't meet them.

I had not planned on going back in April. 

I also planned on getting pregnant so I didn't *have* to go back.  But *that* so far has been a bust.  *sigh*

I had what I thought was a great job.  I was managing a cafe.  I was organising, and getting things done, I was enjoying customer relations (something I've grown into apparently).  and one day, I got fired.  *BAM*  out of nowhere.  apparently, I was...not meeting their expectations.  Now, I know you read this in the paragraph before.  I've been beating myself up over this.  The cafe job, there was zero communication.  You say 'manager/supervisor', I do a job I think is what a 'manager/supervisor' does.  They didn't give me a job description, so I was winging it.  I'm more sad than anything over the situation.  I mean, I'm angry too, but I'm not frothing.

So, I have no job.  I can't get a gardening job over the winter.  And really, I don't want to,because I don't want to lead on a potential long term employer if I'm going to get pregnant.  Does that make *any* sense?  I guess I'm looking at other jobs that have high turn over, like Starbucks, to work.  then, I get the old brain thinking, "crappit.  I'm 32.  and I want to go work at *Starbucks!?*".  I feel ashamed because I didn't get any ducks in a line earlier.  I feel embarrassed too.  Is there something wrong with me? 

I keep thinking of my friend Sadie, who started a Hoop empire.  She's a biophysicist for heavens sake, and she followed her heart, and started hooping, something she *loves*.  I keep racking my brain.  what can I do?  what do I love?  and I get zip. 

Photography. 
I'm doing it.  I have a photo blog, I'm taking classes, I've got a book (YES!  A BOOK!) coming out, with a show attached to that...and then?  I've talked about Vivienne before.  She's another who has taken a passion and made it shine.  Do I have the chops for something like that?  In photography?  I think the best thing for me to do here is keep learning and keep walking this path.  I love it so.  But the way is not clear.

Horticulture.
I'm not sure I have the talent for it.  I'd like to keep working on it.  There was one point I wanted to do 'horticulture therapy', helping the elderly and disabled to garden more easily.  I'll keep that in mind too. 

But I guess what it comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself, and a little scared because Jason's back is not great, and I'm so scared that he won't be able to work, and there is no way we can survive on Starbucks wage.

contemplating

I seem to be making headway with my counselling.  Lot's of *aha!* moments.  (Thanks Oprah, for that)  I've been having trouble with my boss.  He's been really negative lately.  Negative and forgetful.  He'll tell us one thing, and decided to do it another way and forget to tell us, and get angry when we didn't do it "right".  He's been on me a lot about "paying attention" and how things are "just common sense".  He tells me "well, I wouldn't have done it this way" when he doesn't give me detailed instruction.

I'm terrible at communicating, esp. in person.  I get scared that 1. I will hurt the other person, or 2. I'm way off base.  I grew up not being able to ask questions (of my dad).  He always wanted us to figure it out.  So I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.  I've had people ask me how I knew such and such...I just shrug and say "I just figured it out".  That works well in my job, not being given detailed instruction.  Except for the fact that I "should have known better"  or one of the above statements.  I have told Boss that I'm so new at this.  this is only me second season...EVER gardening.  Not just with him.  EVER.

So I just nod, and say "ok" and try to do better next time.  And I hold my breath when walking up to the shop every morning because I'm afraid of what he is going to say. 

I wish I could hate him.  I wish he was an asshole, but he's NOT.  I just happen to disapoint him on a weekly basis.

One thing my councillor asked me was if it was true.  Am I doing a poor job?  Am I messing tings up and ruining his business?  A resounding NO.  I'm doing the best job I know how. 

So, Back to communication.  I CAN'T DO IT.  If you know me in person, you may have noticed I don't ask questions of my friends.  I'm pretty quiet in conversations.  I just generally don't know what to say, out of fear. 

So in regards to Boss, it was suggested, that because I fear hurting him, and adding the last straw to his stressful home situation, I use positive reinforcement.  I was all like *duh*.  that's what I'm asking for, why shouldn't I lead by example?  So, when by chance he gives me detailed instruction, I can say "Hey Boss, thanks!  it really helps me feel more confident when you go step by step like that", rather than go right out and say "Boss, the way you do things doesn't work, I need you to tell me things step by step".

I'm hoping to incorporate this into my daily life with J.  And Pickle, and friends too.  So if you find me all of a sudden saying something like "hey friend, I appreciate it a lot when you call, it feels nice"  don't be all weirded out...I'm just trying to communicate!