What!? people still *think* like that!?

So, I allowed myself to get *really* angry the other day. 
A friend said something along the lines of "Nuite Blanch was great!  I had a great time.  Except for all the drunk people." in a status update on Facebook.   Peoples general responses where along the lines of "yea, it was crazy down town" and "I even saw 14 year olds drinking!". 

But one woman said (to paraphrase)  "I was down with my pre-teens and would have never allowed them to be on their own!  I was really uncomfortable down town with them because of all the drunk people.  (...) I don't want to sound racist but...I did feel a little safer because everyone was white."

I sat there *literally* sputtering for words.

There was a little bit of back and forth, Her saying something along the lines of "well you obviously don't have preteens because you would know that they have limits"

Someone else said "oh fuck right off".  She said "nice language sir".  More back and forth about how her language wasn't any better.
There is some reference to hip hop,
and then she says:

"well, drunk white kids don't carry guns"



I was in a rage. 

My heart was pounding and I was shaking.  I said some choice words as well.  (I repeated "oh fuck right off", in caps, and asked her when she studied white kids with guns vs. non white kids with guns)

I know that  my reaction wasn't going to teach her anything.  It was pure fight or flight.  I *still* haven't learned not to type when I'm upset.

I was just so in shock that people still think that way.  That racism was still alive and will.  Full on racism.  Not just stereotypes.  But actual FEAR of someone who is not the same colour as you.

I obviously live in a nice little bubble.

Maybe I can become a hermit.

a week later-processing

I've been processing a lot in the last week.
The main thing it seems to come down to is shit happens.
Without bitterness, shit happens.
With sadness, and joy, shit happens.

I've been getting a lot of "you must be devastated!"
And I think I'm worrying people by saying, "no, shit happens".

Because I've been wanting a baby for a *really* long time.  And it seems to be the world view that when you don't get what you want you throw a tantrum. 

Don't get me wrong.  I've been crying, and shaking my fists at the sky and shouting "WHY!?", but I've also accepted the situation for what I know it to be. 

Life. 

There are ways to make life easier and more joyful...like knowing that shit happens.


I feel like once I accept a situation to be what it is, I can *move on*.  I have more clarity, I'm not in fight mode, I'm not *angry*, I'm looking at what it *is* and I can move forward with a clear head. 

Like I've said 100 times before, the hard part of accepting is remembering that acceptance isn't the same as *liking*.

I flipping wish I didn't have a miscarriage, and a D+C, and other possible complications.  But it all happened. 

If my accepting my situation is freaking you out...oh well, shit happens.

Trust me, I'm not ignoring it, I'm not in denial.

Gahd.  Being in the hospital made sure of that.  *shudder*  As far as hospital visits go it was fine.  Everyone was nice enough.  The only person who was truly truly compassionate about my situation was a porter though.  I can't imagine having to be with so many sick people all day everyday.  I think I was the only person who didn't throw up during my stay in recovery.  It takes a special person.  I think I got all the special (not short bus special!) people yesterday. 

(sending out a big thank you to all the staff yesterday, with an extra hug to Mr. Porter)

pain

A few months ago J and I went though a tough spot. 
We're fine now, and in counselling to resolve our communication issues. 

I was just sitting here thinking about a few things that where said back then.  One of them was that I wasn't sure I was ever happy in our relationship.  SO weird.  It's not true.  But I was in a place of major pain, so that's all I was feeling/remembering.  The negative aspects of our life together, and not how I felt daily.  My love.

What an interesting concept.  Feeling so angry that you can't remember ever feeling love.  And I suppose the other way around happens all the time too.

I wonder if practising mindfulness would help with that.  Being with, accepting and embracing those feelings.  Rather than getting sucked in and loosing yourself.