to much going on for anything to be going on

I've been feeling rather stretched lately.  Because, so far, I've worked 2 weeks straight with no days off, and I'm due for another week,  until next Wednesday (the 18th).  I get a day, then I can only assume that the next day off I get will be my birthday on the 28th.  And that won't be very restful because I planed a day of fun!  At least it will be fun?  The week after that I have almost a week off! Thursday - Tuesday. I hope I don't get sick during my little vacation!!

I couldn't sleep last night.  I generally don't have a problem sleeping, but this time, my mind wouldn't stop.  I was worrying about money.  For heavens sake, I have two jobs, Jason has a job, what's my problem!?  oh right, we're playing catch up.  As always, we where *thisclose* to 0.  running on fumes.  (in my line of work, that would be tips, $15-$20 a week tips).  I owe the government $200+, I still owe Sunnybrook 50$ for my cast thinger.  And I just got a notice from Hydro...oh, our power will be cut off on the 20th if I don't pay...right. fuck, that.  I'll get it payed before then.  Friday morning.  and our organic bin is over due too.  So much for saving second jobs pay.  I had this grand plan.  putting it away, and by November having $4000+ saved.  I'm about $900 behind already.

I feel like such a...loser. 

urg.


Budgeting is next to impossible.  Jason isn't guaranteed any hours.  He's just casual, so he is constantly worried.  And he has mondo bills to pay too.  (did you know only people who have racked up credit card debt can get help?)


Sometimes I feel like we are at the bottom of the hill, with nothing to hold on to, and every time we get part way up that hill we go *phew!* and because we stopped scrambling, we slide ALL THE WAY DOWN AGAIN.  All I can say is, other than Jason's school and taxes, we have no debt.  he's slowly picking away at those, and sometimes I feel like they will always be there what with interest and all.

I keep thinking of things we can cut back on.  The organics bin is the only thing that I'd consider a luxury.  The internet??  maybe.  Being on the paleo diet?  Meat isn't cheap.  But I'd say 90% I buy on sale.

I dunno if I'll ever be able to be a SAHM/W.

actually.  all I want to do is rest.

Fucking first world problems.  wha wha wha!  I have two jobs.  I just want to watch tv all day!  wha wah wah

all alone

J is away once or 2ce a month with Pickle.  A whole weekend to myself.

I like being alone, and not having to do anything or think of anyone but myself. 
Case in point.  I completely waisted about $20 on junk food this weekend.  Blue cheese, pate, ice cream, multi grain smoked cheddar crisps, cereal.  Food J either doesn't like, or food I don't want to share. (see...re my last post...I'm not pointing the finger at others with out seeing my own 'faults' too!!  when I came home I felt SO guilty for spending that money on non necessities, allowing myself to not care, giving into "this food will make me feel good", and not wanting to share.  So I accepted it, and ate the ice cream in 2 days)

Don't get me wrong.  I love J very very much, and he still makes me smile when he walks in the door.  I won't be getting rid of him any time...ever.

But that solitude.  SO GOOD.  I'm not even doing anything productive with it.  Indulging in the solitude.

I guess that's all I wanted to say.  I like being alone.  And I'll have to make sure it's built into my month once Pickle grows too old for visits, and we have kids together.  I read about strangers (on blogs) and watch friends going mad not having time alone.  I know I'll have to make date night/day/weekend with my self in order to stay sane.  I can't feel guilty about that, because a sane wife/mommy is a happy wife/mommy/ME.

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

a week later-processing

I've been processing a lot in the last week.
The main thing it seems to come down to is shit happens.
Without bitterness, shit happens.
With sadness, and joy, shit happens.

I've been getting a lot of "you must be devastated!"
And I think I'm worrying people by saying, "no, shit happens".

Because I've been wanting a baby for a *really* long time.  And it seems to be the world view that when you don't get what you want you throw a tantrum. 

Don't get me wrong.  I've been crying, and shaking my fists at the sky and shouting "WHY!?", but I've also accepted the situation for what I know it to be. 

Life. 

There are ways to make life easier and more joyful...like knowing that shit happens.


I feel like once I accept a situation to be what it is, I can *move on*.  I have more clarity, I'm not in fight mode, I'm not *angry*, I'm looking at what it *is* and I can move forward with a clear head. 

Like I've said 100 times before, the hard part of accepting is remembering that acceptance isn't the same as *liking*.

I flipping wish I didn't have a miscarriage, and a D+C, and other possible complications.  But it all happened. 

If my accepting my situation is freaking you out...oh well, shit happens.

Trust me, I'm not ignoring it, I'm not in denial.

Gahd.  Being in the hospital made sure of that.  *shudder*  As far as hospital visits go it was fine.  Everyone was nice enough.  The only person who was truly truly compassionate about my situation was a porter though.  I can't imagine having to be with so many sick people all day everyday.  I think I was the only person who didn't throw up during my stay in recovery.  It takes a special person.  I think I got all the special (not short bus special!) people yesterday. 

(sending out a big thank you to all the staff yesterday, with an extra hug to Mr. Porter)