*phew* or a cange is (hopefully) as good as a rest

It's been a while eh?
Lots of stuff on my mind.  So much it's buzzing around like crazy.  But nothing to concern you with!  (packing lists and who did I forget to e-mail, and OMG!  I'M GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS!!) 

I'm going on an extra long weekend camping trip, just like last year.  With and extra day!  yip yip yoop!

J can come this time!  A blessing and a *wee* bit of a curse!  I'm so glad he's coming so so glad he can experience this.  But part of me is a possessive freak and doesn't want to share!  ha!  I'm a jerk.  Can I blame my little sister for not wanting to share?  I hate sharing!

Aaaaaaannnnny who. ahem.

I hope I have enough feathers.  I hope I have enough cute clothes (OMG  who but a burner thinks about looking super cute and having enough feathers and flowers on a *camping* trip!)  I also hope I can fit all out food in the cooler!!

They say a change is as good as a rest (cause, if  you clicked on the above link, you'll know how tiring this whole weekend will be!!) I hope that's true, because I'm tired.  That could also be attributed to the fact that I went to bed at 2am and am up at 7!! 

*can't sleep...too excited!*

I hope I can sleep in the car!

from status update to blog post.

I just posted this on Facebook:

well, more silver lining to my miscarriage... SO glad I am not 7 months pregnant in this heat. and I get to go to mOOseman 2012 of which I was sorrily disappointed not to be going to. And on that note, with my big mouth, we are able to start trying again in Sept. and would love your fertility prayers and vibes (OMG! isn't that this years Burning Man theme!!?? will someone do something for me, maybe a prayer in the temple???)

and in the comments:

also just realized Rizo was due Sept. 2. the day the man burns. will some one transcribe something on to the man for me too?? ok...I'll admit to being a burner now.

Big tears on that, but I hope someone will step up for me, because that extra little ritual, with all of those peoples (and a lot of friends) energies will help me immensely.  Whether or not it helps my get pregnant is another story! 

 But I believe in ritual.  I believe in crying and mourning (or rejoicing!) AND LETTING GO.  I believe our little ritual together helped up both let go.  I also believe that Sept. 2 will be a super hard day for me.  And that I'll need something to help lessen my grip even more.  Rizo will never be gone, but I can let him stay with out hurting me.  

 

Another point I sometimes think about is that Rizo was never viable.  Rizo was never going to be a human baby.  And maybe that makes it silly.  Or maybe I worry that *others* think it's silly.  I'm not articulating my point well, but I've decided it *isn't* silly to mourn a 'failed' pregnancy.

 

And on the burning man front.  I've denied to myself that I'm a 'burner', everyone assures me I am.  In taking this step, and asking my friends for help in my ritual *at* burning man I think I just came out of the closet.  One of those situations where everyone goes "I knew it all along!".

 We often have what we call  Orphan Burn, for those of us who are not at Burning Man, and last year Jason and I renewed our vows (the theme last year was rites of passage).  I can do some more personal healing then too.  

and a week later...

HMMM, where to start...

I'm 32 now.
I had one of the best weekends ever.
I'm STILL tired from it!  The weekend, not the fact I'm 32...I hope.

Last weekend I attended Moose Man.  WHAT MAN!?  WHO!?  you read right, Moose Man.  I seem to have fallen into a community.  Thanks to my friend Chico, who married Kitty, a 'burner'.
How do I even start to explain this thing I've fallen into, and fallen in love with?  first, go here.  (this is a pretty great video too...)This explains Burning Man...don't get lost...come back to me!  I've never been.  nor do I want to go.  I don't like the idea of being in the desert for over a week.  The *concept*  amazing.  (most of) The people/community, amazing.
So, Moose Man is a regional burn.  Where burners and like minded people from Toronto and surrounding communities get together for a weekend of fun in the northern Ontario woods.  It is a volunteer run event.  I happened to be on of the volunteers.  I was performance lead. 
Wait...where was I?
Right...Chico, Kitty, the Toronto Burning Man community, my amazing weekend.
That I still can't articulate.

I sang, I danced in the woods.  I stayed up all (most all) night.  Have you ever danced to an amazing DJ under a forest canopy surrounded by people dancing as...furiously passionate as you?  I am, as a general rule, not a person who parties.  I go to bed at 9:30pm, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I'd rather go to a picnic than party every weekend.  I have about 2 exceptions, and both are 'burner' events.

All weekend I was surrounded by....love.  It sounds pretty cheesy, and hippy.  But everyone was so open, and generous.  Full of life.

I *did* do mushrooms for the first time since I was 17.  And that is only the second time ever!  I had an amazing night with my friend Ms. Tuesday.  We danced and LAUGHED.  We had SO MUCH FUN.  The second night I was sober.  The reason I don't (generally) do drugs is because I don't feel I need them to have a good time.  My second experience with mushrooms showed me that it was fun, and...opening I suppose.  My sober night showed me I really didn't need them to really let go.  I enjoyed my time dancing MORE sober.  I got high on the DJ's vibe (she was enjoying herself so very much, I was so proud of her!), on the energy of the people around me.

I want to be back in the woods.  Dancing like no one is watching.


We burned an effigy.  My friend Drake built it all summer.  We had Dixon playing, and Fire spinners spinning, and Leslie  dancing.  It was...awe inspiring.  Here is a video my friend shot:

My friend Franklin built the "Temple of Passage" where we performed.  We burned that too.  Some of us wrote sentiments on it...I burned my set list from the show I put on the night before.  I was so stressed, and it turned out so well...I needed to let it go.

I hope to go next year.  I hope that J can come too.

Damn I wanna dance.