once again...I have no stucture.

I can't seem to keep structure in my life.

Paleo went down the tubes.  I'm getting back on track now. 
I never ever did my chore list.  ever.  I don't think I even got through a week.
My morning to do is on the fridge...not motivating me.  Not getting done.

Our apartment is a gigantic mess.
And I haven't baked in weeks (partly due to the heat...)
I haven't been to the Y in several months.  

I have no structure here.  How do I expect people (who don't know and like me) to stick around when I blog once a week about...???

So?  what am I going to do about it? 

I HAVE NO FLAPPING CLUE.

I'm really even feeling like I'm complaining about this.  It's just a Fact.

I wanted to get the heck organised and in better shape before we start trying again.  I had 6 months.  I allowed myself some time for mourning. 
Maybe it just took me 6 months to mourn?

But regardless of that, this seems to be a trend.  You can pat me on the head and say it's ok to take 6 months.  Alas, some of that would just be an excuse. 

I've taken 6 months away from photography.  I have no motivation since the miscarriage.  NONE.  I've *just* started to 'see' again.  (I didn't take a single shot at Mooseman)

I suppose the first step is recognising.  and heck, didn't it take me over a year last time?  so, from April to now is a step up.

heh.

exercise: is that why I feel so good?

So, I went to the Y 2 days in a row.  I feel, mentally SO GOOD.  Physically.  SORE.  But mostly in that good way.  With my new plan of action, and my commitment to my daily chores, getting to the Y 3-4 days a week is very important to me.  I remember why now. 
I feel good. 

I was starting to wonder if it was hormonal...and it might be a factor, but after sitting at home for 3 days sick, getting out and moving felt so good.  Working out and grimacing though shaky abs and sweat in your eyes suck, but the after effect is great. 

Like The Bloggess says, DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD (I always add "and anxiety!").  I so get that when you are in the middle of it it's hard to stop and say, oh, right, depression/anxiety lie! and hit the gym.  But maybe just maybe you trust someone enough to have them drag you out for a walk/run/bike ride/yoga/Zumba!.  I'd suggest making a plan.  Plan with someone when you aren't in the middle of it.  Plan something you know you like, something that is not new.  Also plan this with someone who will not get angry at you when you tell them to fuck off.

I know this doesn't cure mental illness, but the effects of exercise help deal with it better.  All those good chemicals released into your brain, feeling stronger, and looking fitter.  Feeling flabby and weak makes me, well, feel flabby and weak.  I like looking and feeling strong.  (and those two handfuls at the back of my thighs don't help either as much as I hate to admit it)

I've been working on my defensive attitude, esp. in regards to J, because he sees and interacts with me most, I need to remember he's on my side, and when he tells me it's time to get to the Y, he's just trying to help.

The second motive for getting to the Y 3-4 times a week is to actually be in good shape for Project makeBaby 2.0, I slagged off last time, and I'm glad to have another chance to be healthy.
Ka, can't get away from it, so I may as well not fight it.

reboot

I'm doing the good ol' start over.
Something I do every so often when I think I've been doing nothing but sitting at the computer all day.

Like a year and a month ago...That didn't last very long...
I think it was just too much.

This time my plan of action:
Make fertilitea
Drink cup of water while water is boiling
Stretch, starting with the bits that ache, my hips, knees and shoulders.
Get dressed,
Make breakfast
Take vitamins
Eat breakfast and drink tea.

On mornings I don't have to be at work early, I'll add in the oil pulling and morning writing again.

After work, before I sit down, I NEED to get back to my daily household chore list.  I am going to spend 20 minutes every day on one chore, and 5 minutes on each other chore.  BEFORE I SIT DOWN.  This is very important!  Once I sit, I'm toast.

And once I sit...it's time to meditate.


I hope I can make this work this time. 

wow, it's been a week already!?

I guess I've been MIA!
I've been pretty pooped at the end of my days.  I guess I never made my 1000 thanks.

you know.  I think I'll try again.  It was a very good thing.  It kept me thinking, and being present.

I'll be back at the end of the day to start my 1000 thanks again.

on to this weeks menu:

Sunday:  Lamb chops with salad and potatoes
Monday: pasta (I'm on my own...I'll eat something yummy I'm sure)
Tuesday: sweet curry chickpea stew (from "vive le vegan")
Wednesday: bangers and mash with spinach
Thursday: fish
Friday:  ?? Jason is at his moms...I'll eat what ever I want!
Saturday:  eating at Jason's moms for Jason's late birthday dinner, (it;s this monday!)