friendship

When I was little, having friends wasn't hard.  We lived in a co-op with lots of other kids.  really, we just had to go outside and there where people to play with.  I had a best friend, B.W., and we'd call on eachother lots too.  When I started a new school in grade 4 I met another girl, S.S., and we became best friends too.  She has a sister the same age as mine and we'd walk home together (so cool to walk home with out our parents!) 
B.W. and I had a fight when I was 13, over a boy no less.  We eventually reconciled, but we moved away from the co-op and we drifted apart.  We're now friends on facebook though.
S.S. and I drifted apart mid high school.  We where going to different schools and making new friends.  We still saw each other some, as I became fast friends with Mr. Smith and *his* crew at the same school.  I spent most of my 17th summer with all of them.
I had a group of girls I hung out with during high school, before I met Mr. Smith too.  I often felt left out because Shir was sometimes mean and would leave me out as we where often a threesome.  I wish me, V and J could be close again.  I certainly valued their friendship.  We had some really good times.  I allowed my fascination if Mr. Smith get in my way though. 
But such is life.
Post high school I was hanging out with Mr. Smith, my boyfriend Pants and various other people.  We, with m+m all moved in together (and then I vowed never to have room mates ever again ha!)
Jimmy J (a fiend of Mr. Smith) brought me into the goth world, and while I didn't submerse myself too deep I hung out there for a while (and me Mr. Kalifornia and Blue J.) 
I feel like I floated after that.  Not connecting on a deep level with anyone.
I'm in a pretty rad community now.  And I know there are people who really like me (best feeling when walking into a party and I hear a chorus of "Rebecca!"

What brought me to writing about friendship was that I don't feel like I have a best friend any more.  I think that ended in high school.  I feel really really odd calling anyone now.  I feel as if I'm...bothering people.  (also scared of rejection)  I also feel really really shitty when people do things with out me.  When they don't think to ask me to join them.  Big events and just 'hey lets go out for dinner!".

So, as I said above, I have a pretty great community right now,  And I cherish being part of it. But I still feel like I don't have a 'go to'.  I don't want to go out to big events all the time, or I'd like to have someone call me up for a change asking if we want to meet up first for dinner.

I think part of my problem is the stoopid social media.  That makes it easy to know about events, but it gives me an excuse to not use the phone.  I hate the phone.


SO, this friday I made the decision to actually *call* people.  and it turned out fantastically.


I'm going to make an effort to actually call people.  To say hey, what are you doing tonight, or next week.  And maybe even have a chat. 

And if you don't hear from me first, give me a call!!

a kitchen sink post

1.  It's been 2 weeks eating (mosly) paleo.  I've had a few cheats, but I've done really really well I think.
Some things I've noticed so far:  I have not crashed!  As in, when I get hungry, I feel hungry, my tummy rumbles some, but I don't feel faint or shaky.  I don't have to EAT RIGHT NOW.  I know this because I was involved in the Toronto Festival of Clowns this weekend and didn't eat regularly.  (more on that in a moment!)  I have to be more organised with food, but that is coming along.  There is *nothing* in a corner store that I can eat.  No, wait, nuts.  I can buy nuts or sunflower seeds.  I haven't gone to a restaurant yet, so I don't know what that will be like.  I'm sure it will be along the lines of  "Can I get extra salad/veggies in place of the potatoes?"
I *think* my moods have been more stable, but this weekend was a crappy sleeping weekend, late nights, not being able to sleep in, so I'm a wee bit grumpy.  I also just got my period, so there was some pms, *but* looking back to the last week, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, and I didn't get cramps.  Day one is *always* crampy.  AND there was very little food cravings, and when I have eaten chocolate, it was just kinda ok.  My stomach pain was worse than ever, but it seems to have calmed down some.  I'm giving myself a month to see how things progress.  Or, let's say, to the end of June. 

2.  CLOWNS!  I just spent the weekend with a bunch of clowns and it was rad.  It's fun to dance (to a DJ) with fellow clowns (in or out of nose) because they have NO inhibitions!  SO FUN.  It was nice to see a few people who I met last year, and just to be in the same place more with friends.  I was up late and slept little, but it was worth it.

3. There is someone I don't like.  This is an awkward thing to write on a public blog, because although you may speak to friends 'in private', you don't announce to a whole room that "HEY!  there is someone I don't like...and well, since I'm announcing it to *everyone* I won't tell you who it is!".  Regardless, I'm going to continue on and assure you it's is not you (I think...).  I find not liking this person (X) frustrating, not just because they annoy the heck out of me, but because in general they are a caring, nice, generous person.  I want to yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" when X talks.  So it's all me.  So what the HELL can I do about it?  I don't know, because X is part of the community, and as much as I try to distance myself from them, X seems to *always* be there.  I feel sad for myself.  I know that I'm not going to like everyone I come in contact with, but the absolute RAGE I feel when X is around astounds me.

4.  J got a job!  yay!  he started today with an orientation.  I've been working 2 jobs, and am in a bit of a conundrum as to whether I will keep them both.  I don't really want to.  I'm feeling pretty drained, but we still need to bring our savings back.  I figure I'll stay with the gardening until the end of the season (Oct.) and pack away the $.

it's been a week

and I don't have anything to say.
lets ramble for 10 minutes and see what comes out.


I just heard back from an old friend (on FB, she lives far away, and I haven't seen her in person in at least 10 years) who is 'allowed her friends back' now that her and ex have separated.  I started to cry in pitty for the man, and said out loud, "oh (soandso), you manipulative bastard".  This is his second failed marriage.  I don't want to blame it on him entirely, but there is a pattern emerging.  I knew this guy at the end of our teens.  looking back I can see the slight tendency for this kind of manipulation, but I don't think anyone would have thought he could be such an ass.  I don't know the whole story, but I know some of the story from his first ex.  He's the kind of person who sees abuse as physical, "so what is her problem?  I don't beat her!?" kind of attitude.

I'm proud of this girl for getting out too.  She hasn't had an easy go of it.  I'm glad she's back in my (online) life

More homeopathy and some life

So, two days later.  I had scaled back the pellets.  More pain!  I'm going to go back to the dose I was doing before and see if it helps.  Very interesting.

No news from the specialist, so I better call.  Sunnybrook ER was great, but I guess ER docs don't hand out info, like how long I'll be in this danged cast.  Harvey is great, but I want my hand back!

Some good news, at least from a friend who's torn finger ligaments.  He didn't have surgery, just physio.  So I have hope that *if* the ligaments where torn, no knives will be involved.

This has thrown me for a loop.  I'm pretty sure I'm depressed!  The little motivation I had before is gone, all I want to do is eat and watch movies.  I almost forgot to go to La and Nat's book launch.  I had even reminded J, and myself several times.  I did make it, with 15 minutes to spare.  I almost turned around too!  (go check out Sparrowling Press!)  Right now my cure is getting up and getting out!

I'm attending a conference with Sister this weekend.  Friends are coming over to watch a movie.  Sounds good.  J is going away to GWs with Pickle, so I'm glad I've got busy!

connection

I have a friend, we'll call him Beat.  Beat is one of my favourite people.  I struggle with that.  Because Beat is male, and I'm a lady, and married.  (wait hold on, keep reading!)  I think that in a different life/time I might have been interested in being with Beat on a romantic level (no really...just listen).  I don't allow my mind to go there, because I am fiercely in love with J.  It's not even an option.  
Any way...I'm not writing about this because I'm concerned about my marriage in this regard.  That is rock solid. 
I'm writing about Beat because I struggle with my friendship with him. 
In the past, before marriage, I have been sexually active with, I'd say, 90% of my male friends.  and 75% of that 90% was because they where with someone.  (sometimes not because *I* was *shame*)
Beat and I have a lot in common.   This could also be said for another friend, North.  Same thing, different boy.  ANYWAY. 
Now that you think I'm a perfect n00b, and that I don't respect my marriage vows (that for your information we are renewing in September!)
I read a blog post recently by a new friend (a girl!!!) talking about love energy.

"How often do we sabotage ourselves against pleasure and love?  What's it like to really open to the possibility of allowing loving energy to move through our bodies?  And IF we actually let ourselves feel that, do we let ourselves share that with a partner?! ...we get worried, like "Oh, I am not supposed to be feeling pleasure with this person (or in this environment, or by myself)" so we shut it down, turn it off, and stop feeling.  We are basically sabotaging ourselves from feeling our own true, innate nature!"

I feel great pleasure and love when I am with (specifically) these two people.  I feel a great connection, one that is different than I feel with J.  And it's a little scary, because I am heterosexual, and both these guys like girls, strong energy is generally seen as 'chemistry' and that often leads to buh buh buh sex.

If these boys where girls it would be a different story and we'd be bffs and I wouldn't be scared.

So...what was my point.  I don't think I had one.  but I wanted to #1, share L's blog post because I found the concept interesting, and worth sharing, and valid to my terrible plight of feeling a connection to men other than my Hubby.  And #2 share these feeling because I wonder if I am alone in this, and if anyone has truly had a platonic, loving, NON SEXUAL opposite sex friendship work.  A *real* friendship, one you would have with someone of the same sex (or not your type sex) and it wouldn't be weird.

Is this something that would be worth talking to these guys about? 

friends

I just got home from my birthday party.  It was supposed to be on the islands, but it was rather rainy.  I was going to cancel, but friends, the McMacs, offered their home to host.  So very very sweet.  It made my day.  Lots of friends where there, and they made me SO happy.

On my facebook invite 25 people said they'd come.  Several people let me know for what ever reasons they couldn't come (work, fleas...) and I know that, oh, a 1/4 of those yes' wouldn't make it.  I know some people who said yes have some static with others who said yes, so I figured they might not come.  But then, there where a few people who went out of their way to say that yes they where coming and that they where so excited because it's been a while.  and they didn't come. I don't even *bother* to get my hopes up anymore.  THEY NEVER COME.  Wait...maybe 4 years ago.  I don't know the last time I hosted something, or they said they'd come to an event and the actually show up.  Unless they are performing...and then it's still a bit of a crap shoot.  I am generally pretty relaxed about it.  I wave my hand and say "meh, whatever."  I'm writing about it because I don't understand WHY it happens.  Why do they say *yes* in the first place.  Why do they then talk about it, in the affirmative, and then WHY DO THEY NOT SHOW UP?  I generally get a "so sorry we didn't make it" with no reason...probably 'cause they don't have one.

It's starting to make me feel sad and worthless.  At least to them.  I *really* like these people.  Apparently they really like me and J too.  And it hurts when I'm not worth enough to show up. 

The friends who DO come, (or have really valid reasons for not coming) make it worth it.  It was such a nice, unexpected afternoon.

I got PIE for my birthday!

and a week later...

HMMM, where to start...

I'm 32 now.
I had one of the best weekends ever.
I'm STILL tired from it!  The weekend, not the fact I'm 32...I hope.

Last weekend I attended Moose Man.  WHAT MAN!?  WHO!?  you read right, Moose Man.  I seem to have fallen into a community.  Thanks to my friend Chico, who married Kitty, a 'burner'.
How do I even start to explain this thing I've fallen into, and fallen in love with?  first, go here.  (this is a pretty great video too...)This explains Burning Man...don't get lost...come back to me!  I've never been.  nor do I want to go.  I don't like the idea of being in the desert for over a week.  The *concept*  amazing.  (most of) The people/community, amazing.
So, Moose Man is a regional burn.  Where burners and like minded people from Toronto and surrounding communities get together for a weekend of fun in the northern Ontario woods.  It is a volunteer run event.  I happened to be on of the volunteers.  I was performance lead. 
Wait...where was I?
Right...Chico, Kitty, the Toronto Burning Man community, my amazing weekend.
That I still can't articulate.

I sang, I danced in the woods.  I stayed up all (most all) night.  Have you ever danced to an amazing DJ under a forest canopy surrounded by people dancing as...furiously passionate as you?  I am, as a general rule, not a person who parties.  I go to bed at 9:30pm, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I'd rather go to a picnic than party every weekend.  I have about 2 exceptions, and both are 'burner' events.

All weekend I was surrounded by....love.  It sounds pretty cheesy, and hippy.  But everyone was so open, and generous.  Full of life.

I *did* do mushrooms for the first time since I was 17.  And that is only the second time ever!  I had an amazing night with my friend Ms. Tuesday.  We danced and LAUGHED.  We had SO MUCH FUN.  The second night I was sober.  The reason I don't (generally) do drugs is because I don't feel I need them to have a good time.  My second experience with mushrooms showed me that it was fun, and...opening I suppose.  My sober night showed me I really didn't need them to really let go.  I enjoyed my time dancing MORE sober.  I got high on the DJ's vibe (she was enjoying herself so very much, I was so proud of her!), on the energy of the people around me.

I want to be back in the woods.  Dancing like no one is watching.


We burned an effigy.  My friend Drake built it all summer.  We had Dixon playing, and Fire spinners spinning, and Leslie  dancing.  It was...awe inspiring.  Here is a video my friend shot:

My friend Franklin built the "Temple of Passage" where we performed.  We burned that too.  Some of us wrote sentiments on it...I burned my set list from the show I put on the night before.  I was so stressed, and it turned out so well...I needed to let it go.

I hope to go next year.  I hope that J can come too.

Damn I wanna dance.

the plan

Now that the holidays and craziness are over, I need a plan of action.  Otherwise I'd be on the Internet/knitting/reading all day.  I can't turn into a lump pudding.
My grand plan includes:

• Not getting up at 10:30am anymore.  It makes my head grainy.  So I'll be getting up at 8am.
• doing yoga EVERY MORNING, except Saturdays, thats when I work at the cafe.
• doing a cleanse.  I'm going to cut out most meats and dairy...maybe eggs?  for a couple weeks.  I have IBS, and all the rich foods/wheat during the holidays has my tummy upset.  Brown rice and veggies.  and homemade soup!  (oh, theres a good tutorial...kitchen sink soup), and *lots* of water and herbal teas.
• Study plants.  I got 100% in my plant ID class last winter...but I don't remember a single thing!!  (you remember the Latin names of 12 weeks of 13 plants a week!!)
• visiting friends.  I have a friend with a new baby, and her husband has to work.  she's got some major food restrictions, so she can't do fast foods easily.  I want to bring her food!  and just friends in general.
• Hooping and circus conditioning classes once a week.  I take my hooping class with my friend Sadie, and the circus conditioning with my friend Kalen at the Centre of Gravity.  I promised my boss I'd get in shape for this next season, and J and I will be trying for a baby this spring...I want to be in shape for that too!

and that's what I can think of now.  That along with a stitch and bitch group I'm trying to get organised, and some performances I'm doing (more later) I'll be busy.  Thank goodness, 'cause, I was starting to get bored!