Anxiety

So today I had a crazy bad anxiety attack.  The worst I've ever had.

I generally don't know what triggers them.  Sometimes i can guess.

This is my theory for this attack:

As you may have read in my last post, 5 days of happy crappy frappy hour in a row is down right ridonk.

5 days of super high adrenaline.  Then, I hit my thumb.  CAPOW!  my already quick beating heart took a big leap, and then, my damn lizard brain thought a velociraptor or a rabid raccoon was after me and it was all I could do to keep filling milk and making sure the lids where stocked instead of dropping the pitcher and running away. 

 

I kept myself busy until the end of the rush, and only shed a couple tears by the garbage cans.

Then it was break time.  And break down time.  I couldn't hold it together anymore.  

I'm really lucky.  Everyone understood, and left me alone.  40 minutes later, my heart was *still racing*.  I was able to keep my breathing even, and that helped.  Concentrating o my breath.

The 'tape' in my head went something like this:

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  just breathe.  dude, just breathe.  goddamnit i'm letting everyone down.  just breathe.  face it.  don't fight it.  Oh hai anxiety.  fuck I'm letting everyone down aaarrrggggg!"

and my heart just wouldn't slow down.

the worst part about anxiety attacks for me is what they look like on the out side.

They look NORMAL.  It took 20 minutes before anyone realized anything was wrong.  And only because I wiped one tear away that escaped.

Here. In the (very loose, and not nearly as good or funny) style of Allie Broch, I drew you some pictures!

 

This is what I *look* like when I'm having an anxiety attack.  Oh, that monster, its what's scaring me, it's *why* I'm freaking out.  but on the inside *next slide please*

This is how I *feel*  my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm scared shitless.  (no spell check, I don't mean shirtless)



Today was so bad I couldn't talk my self out of it.  I think that is when meds might help.

One thing I think I should have done was take a walk.  I didn't want to leave work though.  And, I've also stolen The Bloggess' phrase, but different.  Anxiety Lies.  (she says Depression Lies, and that's true too)

So really, I did all I could do.  My manager was awesome, and so where my co-workers who where supposed to have me for another 1.5 hours. 

I came home, and had a lavender bath.  Preceded first with hugs from J natch.

It ended.  Like it always does.  And always will.

right in the middle-welcome to my breakdown.

I anticipated some sort of breakdown in the near future.  Rizo was due Sept 2 (3?) so I expected to feel down.  I felt sad during mOOseman and we had a little weep.  Today however.  BLAM. 

For the past week or so my body has been very sore.  More than usual.  Headaches and lower back mainly, but my hips too. 

I think this whole time (the last 6 months) I've been depressed.  Not full on stay in bed all day depression, but I've been tired and achy and 70% sad.  It only hit me today that, that is what is happening.  All as I walked to work, trying to hold it together and not freak the people on the street by bawling.  Weeping behind sunglasses and talking to yourself is 'bad' enough.

I felt rather cruddy yesterday, and today, wow.  Just. Yuck.  weepy and SO sore.  I managed to stay out of bed all day.  I even went to the Y!  I had planned on walking home but I was too tired and drained.  It wasn't until about 3pm that I really cried, and 15 minutes before I had to leave for work I started to breakdown.  Lucky for me I have an amazing manager, and today's schedule lent it self well to having me not be there.


The interesting part about my panic/anxiety/depression attacks is that I have no internal 'tape' going.  I'm not thinking bad thoughts about myself, or others.  I'm not thinking about harming myself.  I just feel this HUGE fear.  I feel scared/sad/upset for no apparent reason.  When I was a teenager, and felt similarly, I would come up with reasons, and get upset with friends (mainly Mr. Smith).

(shit, I just had an 'aha' moment regarding why I was violent with my sister...those feelings with no reason...!!!  damn)

Being in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) didn't really work for me because I *don't* have those thoughts (I'm worthless, everyone hates me...I don't know what all)  I just felt. 

I assume my feelings today are about Rizo. 

The things I've learned about Buddhism and specifically tonglen practice have helped me most with this.
And allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling.   I do have meds that I can take when I have to (for work, I can't afford to miss any more...now *that* thought leads me spiralling down more that anything, and that's where CBT comes in handy)


I want to take a week off, and I have about 30 hours of vacation pay.  I may do it.  Spend the week on the island, just being.