So, my birth plan got chucked out the window. Turns out, all for the better!
The plan was:
Natural labour with J and my Mom attending at:
#1 - Birth centre
#2 - hospital if the birth centre wasn't open yet (or there was some complication)
#3 - we prepared the home birth kit because it's winter. The blizzard in mid December, and the ice storm a week later scared me, and I didn't want to be at home scrambling because we couldn't leave and an ambulance was taking forever.
To start, it was a Pickle (my 16 y/o stepson) weekend! The original plan was to go to Grandpa W's in Tottenham. We decided Thursday maybe that wasn't a good idea. So Pickle was going to come down Friday night, or Saturday morning. Well, being a 16 year old boy, he slept until 3pm! But first, back to the beginning...
Saturday I had
regular, not strong contractions in the early morning 5/6am ish. I decided to have a bath, and
they slowed down some, but I called the midwife and was instructed to rest,
and to call back when they got frequent and more intense. Around 8:30 I called my
mom, and she came over late morning (after a shower and breakfast) My contractions where fairly mild, so she went out and bought fixings for chicken stock, as I probably wouldn't want to eat, but would need something nutritious. I called the midwife around 2:30
again with stronger contractions and got checked. 80% effaced and 1 cm dilated. I called SisterS as she
was supposed to pick up my mil and bring her back here when we left for
the hospital. Midwife left so I could continue to labour in peace. I
overheard hubby tell the her that we are prepared for a home birth if it
needed to happen. The stock smelled really good so I had a cup and half a grilled cheese,
contracting stronger and regular. We finally found out that Pickle had slept until 3. I suggested that his mom, who was driving him, pick up mil, as things where obviously progressing. J and I moved to the bedroom to try some hypnobirth techniques. SisterS arrived. I got in the bath. Things really revved up. My mom was amazing, and coached me though. J called the midwife at 5:30, again he said we where ready for
home birth. I got out of the bath and onto bed and asked J if a home
birth was really ok with him. He said yes!! (I have wanted a home birth all along, but J was very uncomfortable with the idea, so I compromised with the idea of the birth centre) I started having crazy
contractions, wanted to push. I was on my hands and knees, and kept thinking I sounded, and probably looked like a gorilla! I went with it. I think I need to send a thank you to Ina May Gaskin who talks about 'letting your monkey do it', and imagining yourself as an animal. The midwife arrived after 2 contractions like
that. She checked me again, had a small lip of cervix and waters still intact. She got busy getting all her gear ready and called back up midwives. Transition sucked. It was very scary. I wanted to stop, but my body wouldn't. Got shaky and dry
heaved a few times. My mom's continued coaching, and J's comfort where so so helpful during that part. I've never felt so scared. The midwife wanted me on my back to push (she gave a reason...I don't remember, I just wanted it done!). J was on one side, mom on
the other. I was given the go to push. My waters broke in a streaming
gush, almost in the midwife's face! The crazy part was the audible "pop!". The midwife was an amazing coach. I would have had
to push way longer if weren't for her. I was stopping during the most
intense parts because it was so scary. She got me to continue. I felt
the babies head, and that gave me more strength. J got up to catch
the baby. He had his first poo all over all of us immediately after his exit. I had to ask if it was a boy or girl!! We got to do skin on
skin for a loooong time. J cut the cord and I pushed out the
placenta. I had one small tear. The midwife said it was his hand and that I got his
head out with no tears!! Lionel pooped all over me again while we cuddled. The midwife gave me 2
stitches. I breastfed with the help of another midwife with some success.
I'm still in disbelief that it happened so quickly, and so perfectly. 15ish hours in labour, an hour and a bit pushing. I went from 1 cm to fully dilated in 3 hours! unbelievable.
I am thrilled that I am in the care of midwives. They are so caring, and thorough. I can't imagine being in the care of even the most caring obstetrician. The doctor would not have gently cleaned up the poo, including mine! It's just not in their training.
We have had 3 home visits from my two midwives, with one more tomorrow. I will have a total of 6 weeks care from them. I'm already feeling sad for when being in their care is over.
We have the placenta in the freezer, and plan on burying it near the same tree we put the sacred herbs for Rizo.
On the subject of having a graceful labour: It never felt clunky or ugly. My midwife said it was beautiful. I think I achieved my idea of a graceful labour ("...accepts things as they come, with beauty. Accepts the good and bad with beauty and openness."), even if, or maybe because, I was a gorilla!
Showing posts with label Ziggy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ziggy. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I have a baby!
Meet Lionel Braz Grove
Jan 25th, 7:55pm
7lbs 2oz, 20.5 inches
Birth story to follow
Jan 25th, 7:55pm
7lbs 2oz, 20.5 inches
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| Lionel and Pickle |
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| Lionel and Ma |
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| Lionel, Oma and me |
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| Lionel, Daddy and me |
Birth story to follow
Thursday, January 23, 2014
today is the estimated due date!
I hadn't posted that IT'S MY DUE DATE TODAY! you know why?
'cause it doesn't mean a single thing. ha ha. It's been changed like 3
times. The first day of my last menstrual cycle was April 14. Took a
test May 14, and it was positive.
Officially I have to go into spontaneous labour in the next 2 weeks or I will be induced. It's the law that my midwives have to send me to an obstetrician after 42 weeks. Then it's pretty much guaranteed that the OB will say "INDUCE!". I'm not keen on induction. The possibility of cesarean section go up with induction. But, I figure I've been having early labour for a while now (on and off for 2 weeks). Even if I don't go into 'real' labour on my own by 42 weeks, my body was doing something (I hope!). My concern with induction is when ones body hasn't started anything. There are OBs who have offered chemical induction to women in my baby group at 38 weeks, with no medical reason. Are they going on holiday or something? They all reported that labour was really slow, and really painful.
Ahem, not that I think spontaneous labour won't be!
I'm keeping open to whatever happens. Yes, with emphasis on the birth centre being first hope, but knowing regardless, even if it where open, anything can happen.
Speaking of the Birth Centre! I was interviewed by CityNews:
http://www.citynews.ca/2014/01/22/toronto-birth-centre-opens-in-regent-park/#related-content-preview
If you are the paying/blessing type, I'm asking for the blessing of an uncomplicated, easy, graceful labour. Steady minds and good health for my support team. But above all, a healthy baby and mommy no matter what form birth happens.
I am feeling really blessed with how uncomplicated this pregnancy has been. No matter my complaints of sore back, and boot getting on difficulty, it's been a *really* good pregnancy. I've been blissing out on alone time, by myself, or with J. We like to spend our mornings chatting in bed. I like to have an uninterrupted bath. And sometimes I just lay in bed, playing solitaire on my phone!
I'm not feeling scared about labour. I am accepting the unknown. I've read lots, and know that it doesn't have to be scary. I think I have a certain respect to the process, and I trust my team, and my self.
I don't like the anticipation of waiting with no known end date though.
AHHHHH! I'm going to be someones MOM soon!
Officially I have to go into spontaneous labour in the next 2 weeks or I will be induced. It's the law that my midwives have to send me to an obstetrician after 42 weeks. Then it's pretty much guaranteed that the OB will say "INDUCE!". I'm not keen on induction. The possibility of cesarean section go up with induction. But, I figure I've been having early labour for a while now (on and off for 2 weeks). Even if I don't go into 'real' labour on my own by 42 weeks, my body was doing something (I hope!). My concern with induction is when ones body hasn't started anything. There are OBs who have offered chemical induction to women in my baby group at 38 weeks, with no medical reason. Are they going on holiday or something? They all reported that labour was really slow, and really painful.
Ahem, not that I think spontaneous labour won't be!
I'm keeping open to whatever happens. Yes, with emphasis on the birth centre being first hope, but knowing regardless, even if it where open, anything can happen.
Speaking of the Birth Centre! I was interviewed by CityNews:
http://www.citynews.ca/2014/01/22/toronto-birth-centre-opens-in-regent-park/#related-content-preview
If you are the paying/blessing type, I'm asking for the blessing of an uncomplicated, easy, graceful labour. Steady minds and good health for my support team. But above all, a healthy baby and mommy no matter what form birth happens.
I am feeling really blessed with how uncomplicated this pregnancy has been. No matter my complaints of sore back, and boot getting on difficulty, it's been a *really* good pregnancy. I've been blissing out on alone time, by myself, or with J. We like to spend our mornings chatting in bed. I like to have an uninterrupted bath. And sometimes I just lay in bed, playing solitaire on my phone!
I'm not feeling scared about labour. I am accepting the unknown. I've read lots, and know that it doesn't have to be scary. I think I have a certain respect to the process, and I trust my team, and my self.
I don't like the anticipation of waiting with no known end date though.
AHHHHH! I'm going to be someones MOM soon!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
38w 3d
No news is good news.
We're playing the waiting game here.
Waiting for the birth centre to open so I can give my body permission to go into labour (while at the same time, keeping open, knowing I'm not *really* in charge)
And just waiting for Ziggy to arrive!
Waiting and not knowing when is my worst feeling to feel. I really like knowing.
So I'm just consciously enjoying all my lazy time. I've been watching Parenthood, and on the 3rd season. I'm knitting Ziggy a little blanket. I putter around the house, doing the dishes in small batches, 'cause my sciatica has gotten pretty bad now. Just a small grump as I've had a really great pregnancy. Getting my weekly laundry doing exercise. 2 floors is a good hike for me now!
I had an unexpected ultrasound Wednesday. My belly measured small, and although its common for each care giver to measure slightly different, and for each patient to be different, and for it being close to the end and Ziggy's head is partly in my pelvis, I hadn't grown in the week, and I've been measuring and inch small I was sent to get checked out, just in case. More no news is good news as no one has contacted me yet, and the tech promised to send the info asap.
Jason was a small baby, and although both Sister S, Sister J and I where bigger, and so was Pickle, we *do* have smaller people on both sides of the family.
And I've been whispering to Ziggy not to get too big since Pickle was over 10 Lbs.
I got to see Ziggy again on the screen, so that was fun. Zig blew me a kiss (lips where pursing) and nose was squished against my uterus. Heartbeat was good, and lots of moving. As far as I could figure out, head is 9.5 cm diameter. I have NO idea if that's normal or not lol.
I've been feeling the signs of early/pre labour. Minor period like cramps, sore back and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions that don't hurt.
My belly dropped some yesterday too.
I went out 'one last time' Friday night. I'm going to miss my friends a lot. Our group isn't so much one on one as going to events, so I feel like I'm about to get real lonely. (so friends, if you are reading this, come visit!!)
Photos!
We're playing the waiting game here.
Waiting for the birth centre to open so I can give my body permission to go into labour (while at the same time, keeping open, knowing I'm not *really* in charge)
And just waiting for Ziggy to arrive!
Waiting and not knowing when is my worst feeling to feel. I really like knowing.
So I'm just consciously enjoying all my lazy time. I've been watching Parenthood, and on the 3rd season. I'm knitting Ziggy a little blanket. I putter around the house, doing the dishes in small batches, 'cause my sciatica has gotten pretty bad now. Just a small grump as I've had a really great pregnancy. Getting my weekly laundry doing exercise. 2 floors is a good hike for me now!
I had an unexpected ultrasound Wednesday. My belly measured small, and although its common for each care giver to measure slightly different, and for each patient to be different, and for it being close to the end and Ziggy's head is partly in my pelvis, I hadn't grown in the week, and I've been measuring and inch small I was sent to get checked out, just in case. More no news is good news as no one has contacted me yet, and the tech promised to send the info asap.
Jason was a small baby, and although both Sister S, Sister J and I where bigger, and so was Pickle, we *do* have smaller people on both sides of the family.
And I've been whispering to Ziggy not to get too big since Pickle was over 10 Lbs.
I got to see Ziggy again on the screen, so that was fun. Zig blew me a kiss (lips where pursing) and nose was squished against my uterus. Heartbeat was good, and lots of moving. As far as I could figure out, head is 9.5 cm diameter. I have NO idea if that's normal or not lol.
I've been feeling the signs of early/pre labour. Minor period like cramps, sore back and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions that don't hurt.
My belly dropped some yesterday too.
I went out 'one last time' Friday night. I'm going to miss my friends a lot. Our group isn't so much one on one as going to events, so I feel like I'm about to get real lonely. (so friends, if you are reading this, come visit!!)
Photos!
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| 37w |
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| 38w |
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| 38w 2d. Can you see that my belly is lower? |
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
8 months.
I am now at the 8 month mark! 4.5 weeks to go!
No new news from the midwives. Everything is still just peachy. Head a little lower in the pelvis.
I woke up yesterday and felt very different!
Major pressure in the pelvic area.
I'm feeling very very uncomfortable. It's hard to do anything now. Get up off the couch, stand and do dishes, make the bed, put on boots, pants and socks.
Jason is now my errand runner since it's so slippy now.
I'm not leaving the house except for Christmas dinners/brunches and midwife appointments. Oh, and when Ziggy decides to arrive. It's been predicted for Feb. 1. 10 days 'late'. Hope Ziggy's head isn't big!!
I've been meaning to post a photo of the quilt my Aunt Mary made us. here it is:
No new news from the midwives. Everything is still just peachy. Head a little lower in the pelvis.
I woke up yesterday and felt very different!
Major pressure in the pelvic area.
I'm feeling very very uncomfortable. It's hard to do anything now. Get up off the couch, stand and do dishes, make the bed, put on boots, pants and socks.
Jason is now my errand runner since it's so slippy now.
I'm not leaving the house except for Christmas dinners/brunches and midwife appointments. Oh, and when Ziggy decides to arrive. It's been predicted for Feb. 1. 10 days 'late'. Hope Ziggy's head isn't big!!
I've been meaning to post a photo of the quilt my Aunt Mary made us. here it is:
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| Stitching details |
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| 34 weeks |
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| 8 months - 35 w 4 d |
Saturday, December 7, 2013
33 weeks - 7 to go!
Thought it was about time for an update! (don't want to read my blather? skip to the end for belly pics!)
Last midwife appointment went really well.
Ziggy was head down, and heartbeat great. My blood pressure was fine. My blood work came back amazing. Along with iron levels, I was tested for gestational diabetes, as well as platelet levels. No diabetes and Platelets where up 40 points from first check.
You may not know that I had ITP 20 years ago, and we've been keeping an eye on my platelet count. Normal count is 100,000+. I've gone down to less than 25,000 when I was 12/13. My first count with my midwife was 125,000 (ish), and this last test was 165,000 (ish). Perfectly acceptable, and a huge sigh of relief.
The other amazing news is that the new (and first in Ontario) birth centre is open!! This is a great compromise for Jason and I, as I want a home birth and Jason is against it (please no judging, or suggestions or comments on this) It was slated to open this October, then it go pushed back to December. We where crossing our fingers it would be ready for Ziggy!
Things have been very hush hush, so I don't really know anything about it! I'll update next time.
We have pretty much everything we could need. A place to sleep, warm clothes, and my boobs! We also have been very blessed, and also now have a stroller, car seat, swing, baby rocker, mommy rocking chair, baby bath, diapers (cloth), diaper service for about 4 months, swaddlers, receiving blankets, breast pump, bottles, bibs, books, toys, several different carriers...I think we're set. Are we missing anything??? A lot of it is (wonderfully) second hand. I am quite please with that. I really don't care if my stroller doesn't match my swing or baby bath. Don't worry, the car seat is new!
How am I doing?
I'm feeling nervous!
I am not scared of giving birth. I think I have a healthy respect for how hard it can be, and that it won't be a walk in the park (although now a days, even that is hard for me!). I've been reading lots. And yes I know there is nothing that can really prepare me for what it's going to be like, but I'm keeping an open mind, and learning how to RELAX. Everything I've been reading talks about how keeping my body relaxed will help with birth. Have you ever tried to poop while uptight? Same principle! (yes, I know it's not that *simple*)
I'm mostly nervous about the forever part! I know it will be amazing (and not at times). It dawned on me last Christmas that I am still my parents baby. They still want to take care of me, they still worry about me. Oh, right, forever!
I felt similar trepidation when I was putting our wedding invites in the mail. FOREVER!? 7+ years later, it's been wonderful (and not at some points).
Always work, often fun.
Physically I'm doing good. I am now *DUN DUN DUN* 200Lbs., 40Lbs up from pre pregnancy weight. My body image is good though. 200 is just one of those milestone numbers that is scary. The average wight gain for my size is about 35Lbs, so I'm not worried. Here is a breakdown of what all that extra weight is:
Here are some averages to give you an idea of how much they weigh:
"
Last midwife appointment went really well.
Ziggy was head down, and heartbeat great. My blood pressure was fine. My blood work came back amazing. Along with iron levels, I was tested for gestational diabetes, as well as platelet levels. No diabetes and Platelets where up 40 points from first check.
You may not know that I had ITP 20 years ago, and we've been keeping an eye on my platelet count. Normal count is 100,000+. I've gone down to less than 25,000 when I was 12/13. My first count with my midwife was 125,000 (ish), and this last test was 165,000 (ish). Perfectly acceptable, and a huge sigh of relief.
The other amazing news is that the new (and first in Ontario) birth centre is open!! This is a great compromise for Jason and I, as I want a home birth and Jason is against it (please no judging, or suggestions or comments on this) It was slated to open this October, then it go pushed back to December. We where crossing our fingers it would be ready for Ziggy!
Things have been very hush hush, so I don't really know anything about it! I'll update next time.
We have pretty much everything we could need. A place to sleep, warm clothes, and my boobs! We also have been very blessed, and also now have a stroller, car seat, swing, baby rocker, mommy rocking chair, baby bath, diapers (cloth), diaper service for about 4 months, swaddlers, receiving blankets, breast pump, bottles, bibs, books, toys, several different carriers...I think we're set. Are we missing anything??? A lot of it is (wonderfully) second hand. I am quite please with that. I really don't care if my stroller doesn't match my swing or baby bath. Don't worry, the car seat is new!
How am I doing?
I'm feeling nervous!
I am not scared of giving birth. I think I have a healthy respect for how hard it can be, and that it won't be a walk in the park (although now a days, even that is hard for me!). I've been reading lots. And yes I know there is nothing that can really prepare me for what it's going to be like, but I'm keeping an open mind, and learning how to RELAX. Everything I've been reading talks about how keeping my body relaxed will help with birth. Have you ever tried to poop while uptight? Same principle! (yes, I know it's not that *simple*)
I'm mostly nervous about the forever part! I know it will be amazing (and not at times). It dawned on me last Christmas that I am still my parents baby. They still want to take care of me, they still worry about me. Oh, right, forever!
I felt similar trepidation when I was putting our wedding invites in the mail. FOREVER!? 7+ years later, it's been wonderful (and not at some points).
Always work, often fun.
Physically I'm doing good. I am now *DUN DUN DUN* 200Lbs., 40Lbs up from pre pregnancy weight. My body image is good though. 200 is just one of those milestone numbers that is scary. The average wight gain for my size is about 35Lbs, so I'm not worried. Here is a breakdown of what all that extra weight is:
Here are some averages to give you an idea of how much they weigh:
"
- At birth, a baby weighs about 3.3kg (7.3lb).
- The placenta, which keeps your baby nourished, weighs 0.7kg (1.5lb).
- The amniotic fluid, which supports and cushions your baby, weighs 0.8kg (1.8lb).
- The muscle layer of your uterus (womb) grows dramatically and weighs an extra 0.9kg (2lb).
- Your blood volume increases and weighs an extra 1.2kg (2.6lb).
- You have extra fluid in your body weighing about 1.2kg (2.6lb).
- Your breasts weigh an extra 0.4kg (0.9lb).
- You'll store fat, about 4kg (8.8lb), to give you energy for breastfeeding.
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| 7 months |
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| I was on my way to a Burningman party. I even danced! |
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| 32 weeks |
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| 32w 3 d. In my amazing adorable Value Village score. Perfect for my second baby shower (thanks mom!) |
Monday, November 11, 2013
Lumpy, Bumpy and Grumpy
It's what I've been calling Ziggy, Me and J as of late.
J isn't much of a morning person before his coffee.
I'm now 29w 4d. Just over 6 and a half months. 10w and 3d til I am due.
I can't imagine how I can possibly get bigger!
Things are fairly text book.
I've started pregnancy insomnia and joint inflammation. At night my joints ache, including my knuckles! I've started drinking tart cherry juice. It has properties that reduce inflammation, as well as increasing melatonin. It's been 3 days. Last night I had a very good sleep, except for the fact my belly was sore from a growth spurt! Do you remember growing pains in your legs? I got them in my belly last night! We'll see if the good sleep continues or we'll have to start calling me Grumpy Bumpy.
J isn't much of a morning person before his coffee.
I'm now 29w 4d. Just over 6 and a half months. 10w and 3d til I am due.
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| 26ish weeks |
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| 27 weeks |
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| Nov. 2, Haloween party. The cat who swallowed the canary. (27w 2d) |
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| this morning 29w 4d. I told J not to get my head! |
Things are fairly text book.
I've started pregnancy insomnia and joint inflammation. At night my joints ache, including my knuckles! I've started drinking tart cherry juice. It has properties that reduce inflammation, as well as increasing melatonin. It's been 3 days. Last night I had a very good sleep, except for the fact my belly was sore from a growth spurt! Do you remember growing pains in your legs? I got them in my belly last night! We'll see if the good sleep continues or we'll have to start calling me Grumpy Bumpy.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Ziggy and life update
I'm about 26w now. One more week and I'll be 6 months!!
*deep breath*
Ziggy is about 2 Lbs and 13 inches now.
I can see the movements. And boy does S/he move!! Just like her Daddy. He was a very active kid. *gulp*
I played the Be Good Tanyas for Ziggy though the i phone on my belly. S/he responded to that! Crazy dancing.
No more ultrasounds unless there is something suspected wrong.
I'm going a glucose test in a few weeks to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes. My dads side of the family has some diabetes, and that is considered a risk factor. I haven't had any of the signs, so I'm hoping it's not the case. I'm not sure I could go through Christmas season with out chocolate!!!
Being pregnant is WEIRD people. It's not magical. I don't know who these lucky women are who have these unicorn and rainbow pregnancies. But it's not me!
Don't get me wrong. Its miraculous! But flipping WEIRD.
So far so good though. The only mild concern is low blood pressure. And my midwife (and doctor) are not concerned. The worry is standing up too fast and fainting, and falling over. I have not been getting dizzy. Low is much better than high.
Some life updates:
We *finally* got an apartment.
A one bedroom in an old 1930s building. So BIG rooms. And 3 walk in closests and 2 flat closets. Big rooms except for the kitchen. It's a tiny galley kitchen that doesn't even fit a fridge! the fridge is in the breakfast nook. I'm hoping to get/make an island type thing for the nook for extra counter space. I figure that in the 30's apartments where built for bachelors who didn't cook. The bedroom will fit the king sized bed! and we're sticking Ziggy in one of the closets. Really! we'll take the door off and make a bed to fit. Ziggy will be sleeping with us for the first little while anyway (in a bedside co-sleeper) to help with night time feedings. But naps and quiet time can happen in there. We're planning on staying in Toronto for another 3 years or so. We want to be in Peterborough in time for Zig to be in kindergarten.
We figure we'll move the week after Sisters wedding. On the 23rd or 24th. I'd like to paint. The living room is a horrible olive green.
Sisters wedding is coming fast! This Saturday. I got my nails and eyebrows done yesterday. I've tried on my whole outfit. My dress still fits!
Speaking of sisters...
I have HUGE news. I have a new sister. No, my mom did not give birth recently. But she did give birth 38 years ago. Yes, click click click, do the math. I'm 34.
My mom got unexpectedly pregnant in '75, and decided to give the baby up for adoption. A few years ago she opened up her end of the information.
Long story short: Sister S and I met her on the 6th. I'll be calling her Sister J here.
I'll write another post with a little more detail soon.
Cliffhanger ending.
*deep breath*
Ziggy is about 2 Lbs and 13 inches now.
I can see the movements. And boy does S/he move!! Just like her Daddy. He was a very active kid. *gulp*
I played the Be Good Tanyas for Ziggy though the i phone on my belly. S/he responded to that! Crazy dancing.
No more ultrasounds unless there is something suspected wrong.
I'm going a glucose test in a few weeks to make sure I don't have gestational diabetes. My dads side of the family has some diabetes, and that is considered a risk factor. I haven't had any of the signs, so I'm hoping it's not the case. I'm not sure I could go through Christmas season with out chocolate!!!
Being pregnant is WEIRD people. It's not magical. I don't know who these lucky women are who have these unicorn and rainbow pregnancies. But it's not me!
Don't get me wrong. Its miraculous! But flipping WEIRD.
So far so good though. The only mild concern is low blood pressure. And my midwife (and doctor) are not concerned. The worry is standing up too fast and fainting, and falling over. I have not been getting dizzy. Low is much better than high.
Some life updates:
We *finally* got an apartment.
A one bedroom in an old 1930s building. So BIG rooms. And 3 walk in closests and 2 flat closets. Big rooms except for the kitchen. It's a tiny galley kitchen that doesn't even fit a fridge! the fridge is in the breakfast nook. I'm hoping to get/make an island type thing for the nook for extra counter space. I figure that in the 30's apartments where built for bachelors who didn't cook. The bedroom will fit the king sized bed! and we're sticking Ziggy in one of the closets. Really! we'll take the door off and make a bed to fit. Ziggy will be sleeping with us for the first little while anyway (in a bedside co-sleeper) to help with night time feedings. But naps and quiet time can happen in there. We're planning on staying in Toronto for another 3 years or so. We want to be in Peterborough in time for Zig to be in kindergarten.
We figure we'll move the week after Sisters wedding. On the 23rd or 24th. I'd like to paint. The living room is a horrible olive green.
Sisters wedding is coming fast! This Saturday. I got my nails and eyebrows done yesterday. I've tried on my whole outfit. My dress still fits!
Speaking of sisters...
I have HUGE news. I have a new sister. No, my mom did not give birth recently. But she did give birth 38 years ago. Yes, click click click, do the math. I'm 34.
My mom got unexpectedly pregnant in '75, and decided to give the baby up for adoption. A few years ago she opened up her end of the information.
Long story short: Sister S and I met her on the 6th. I'll be calling her Sister J here.
I'll write another post with a little more detail soon.
Cliffhanger ending.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
whooooaaaa we're half way the-re!
You are singing the rest right?
just a quick post to share the new images of Ziggy.
19w. 5d. They call 20 weeks half way. This dating thing is weird. I thought 38 weeks was full term. what ever! We're halfway there!
The dark bits in his/her chest is the heart.
Both Jason and I thought we saw scrotum and penis. but we're still keeping it a birth surprise, so the technician didn't linger, and didn't tell us.
I'm feeling HAPPY. I haven't felt happy in a really long time. I had moments of joy, and pleasure. My daily feeling was 'grump'. This past week or so I've woken up feeling GOOD.
OMG! I'm having a baby!!
just a quick post to share the new images of Ziggy.
19w. 5d. They call 20 weeks half way. This dating thing is weird. I thought 38 weeks was full term. what ever! We're halfway there!
 |
| LOOK AT ZIGGY'S SWEET FACE!! |
Both Jason and I thought we saw scrotum and penis. but we're still keeping it a birth surprise, so the technician didn't linger, and didn't tell us.
I'm feeling HAPPY. I haven't felt happy in a really long time. I had moments of joy, and pleasure. My daily feeling was 'grump'. This past week or so I've woken up feeling GOOD.
OMG! I'm having a baby!!
Friday, August 16, 2013
17w 3d
That's 4 months to you!
I've been *terrible* at photos. I'll take one today though. I took one at about 3 months. The comparison will be nice!
Nothing much has changed.
I have indeed got a little motivation back. Still tired, but more motivated to get things done.
That might have something to do with the the fact that I lost my job. Long story short, I was not doing my job well. I was finding being nice, and productive while pregnant really hard, apparently.
I say apparently because I can sometimes be clueless. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I have trouble seeing how my actions effect others (and then therefore, myself). I was blindsided. I don't think it was handled well, and I'm perusing action. I don't expect much to come from it. I can't imagine, other than 2 weeks termination pay, I'll get anything from it. But I intend to rock the boat, just enough, for a couple higher ups to wonder what is going on.
So that has me just a little stressed out. I trust we will be fine. And even in my 'weak' moments of worry, I still believe it.
But back to Ziggy! The exciting blessing of my life (uh oh, am I sounding like a sappy parent already!?)
I have been feeling movement, very randomly, since about 12 weeks. At first it just feels like a whisper.
But for the last 3 nights I've been feeling Pokes. And last night I put my hand on my lower stomach and felt Ziggy poke my hand. I had a giggling fit (with some tears) and debated waking J, but he had to get up at 5:30am, and it was already midnight. Ironically (or whatever) I couldn't fall back to sleep and got up at 6:30.
Thank goodness for naps (and not having to work so I can nap?)
I've been *terrible* at photos. I'll take one today though. I took one at about 3 months. The comparison will be nice!
Nothing much has changed.
I have indeed got a little motivation back. Still tired, but more motivated to get things done.
That might have something to do with the the fact that I lost my job. Long story short, I was not doing my job well. I was finding being nice, and productive while pregnant really hard, apparently.
I say apparently because I can sometimes be clueless. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I have trouble seeing how my actions effect others (and then therefore, myself). I was blindsided. I don't think it was handled well, and I'm perusing action. I don't expect much to come from it. I can't imagine, other than 2 weeks termination pay, I'll get anything from it. But I intend to rock the boat, just enough, for a couple higher ups to wonder what is going on.
So that has me just a little stressed out. I trust we will be fine. And even in my 'weak' moments of worry, I still believe it.
But back to Ziggy! The exciting blessing of my life (uh oh, am I sounding like a sappy parent already!?)
I have been feeling movement, very randomly, since about 12 weeks. At first it just feels like a whisper.
But for the last 3 nights I've been feeling Pokes. And last night I put my hand on my lower stomach and felt Ziggy poke my hand. I had a giggling fit (with some tears) and debated waking J, but he had to get up at 5:30am, and it was already midnight. Ironically (or whatever) I couldn't fall back to sleep and got up at 6:30.
Thank goodness for naps (and not having to work so I can nap?)
Thursday, August 8, 2013
more posting?
Yesterdays Facebook update:
"Some upsetting news, I just got canned.
I've been struggling at work, keeping up with Starbucks customer service standards. Getting defensive, and according to complaints, rude. My Store Manager is understanding, and we have been working on it, but most people don't go to her (she's new), they go directly to the District Manager. And I guess part of the DM's job is to get rid of people who are making customers unhappy. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but these hormones are getting the better of me. My behaviour is inexcusable, but understandable?? (esp. in the entitled ass beaches?)"
So many mixed emotions. I was very unhappy, and I'm glad I don't have to go back. But...MONEY!?
I have enough hours for maternity/parental leave.
My first thought was to go get even a part time job to cover some expenses. The problem with that, is it would be *those* hours that I get for mat leave. Not a lot!
So, my next thought was E.I. The DM gave me what she considered a so very generous offer. I could take the rest of the week suspended with pay, and then quit, or 'come back' and have a meeting, where, in all reality, I would get fired (not laid off, misconduct fired).
I've decided to 'quit'. ('Cause God knows, if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be at a new job by now!)
There are 2 routes that I could take re. E.I..
I can claim I had just cause for quitting. (pregnancy stress? forced to quit?)
Or I can try and get my doctor to sign off on sick leave (stress being the reason)
If those don't pan out? I hope I can find a full time job for 4-5 months.
I have faith it will all work out.
"Some upsetting news, I just got canned.
I've been struggling at work, keeping up with Starbucks customer service standards. Getting defensive, and according to complaints, rude. My Store Manager is understanding, and we have been working on it, but most people don't go to her (she's new), they go directly to the District Manager. And I guess part of the DM's job is to get rid of people who are making customers unhappy. I don't want to use it as a crutch, but these hormones are getting the better of me. My behaviour is inexcusable, but understandable?? (esp. in the entitled ass beaches?)"
So many mixed emotions. I was very unhappy, and I'm glad I don't have to go back. But...MONEY!?
I have enough hours for maternity/parental leave.
My first thought was to go get even a part time job to cover some expenses. The problem with that, is it would be *those* hours that I get for mat leave. Not a lot!
So, my next thought was E.I. The DM gave me what she considered a so very generous offer. I could take the rest of the week suspended with pay, and then quit, or 'come back' and have a meeting, where, in all reality, I would get fired (not laid off, misconduct fired).
I've decided to 'quit'. ('Cause God knows, if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be at a new job by now!)
There are 2 routes that I could take re. E.I..
I can claim I had just cause for quitting. (pregnancy stress? forced to quit?)
Or I can try and get my doctor to sign off on sick leave (stress being the reason)
If those don't pan out? I hope I can find a full time job for 4-5 months.
I have faith it will all work out.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
15 Weeks
anyone curious??
ha ha ha
I think I just might be getting the 2nd trimester energy.
Maybe. I *am* still in bed. It's 9:25, I've been awake for almost 2 hours.
I'm introducing Ziggy to Ben Harper right now.
We had the second midwife visit yesterday.
Last time we did all the history, had blood drawn, and had the first doppler and heard Ziggy's heart beat. (so very exciting)
This visit was just an update. Blood work was great. There where concerns about my platelet count (I have a history of ITP) and iron levels. Everything came back tickity-boo. My blood pressure is normal and my uterus has grown to here it should be. We got to hear the heart beat again. 152 beats. I have a rec. for my 20 week ultrasound.
Everything has been pretty normal. My 'morning' sickness is gone. It was never so bad that I threw up, but it was a mighty nuisance. I had some crazy pregnant lady moments, but all together I think I've been pretty stable hormone wise. My boobs are a D cup (from a B). Jason is enjoying that part.
I've started getting sciatica already. Both from standing too long and sitting too long. I keep forgetting to look up exercises to help that I can do at work to help.
5 months. I plan on staying until Jan. 2 (I want that time and a half from new years day!!) who knows. I just have to take it a week at a time. I need to give them 2 weeks notice. I also need to research maternity leave.
Here is a photo Sister took on my birthday. 3.5 months!
ha ha ha
I think I just might be getting the 2nd trimester energy.
Maybe. I *am* still in bed. It's 9:25, I've been awake for almost 2 hours.
I'm introducing Ziggy to Ben Harper right now.
We had the second midwife visit yesterday.
Last time we did all the history, had blood drawn, and had the first doppler and heard Ziggy's heart beat. (so very exciting)
This visit was just an update. Blood work was great. There where concerns about my platelet count (I have a history of ITP) and iron levels. Everything came back tickity-boo. My blood pressure is normal and my uterus has grown to here it should be. We got to hear the heart beat again. 152 beats. I have a rec. for my 20 week ultrasound.
Everything has been pretty normal. My 'morning' sickness is gone. It was never so bad that I threw up, but it was a mighty nuisance. I had some crazy pregnant lady moments, but all together I think I've been pretty stable hormone wise. My boobs are a D cup (from a B). Jason is enjoying that part.
I've started getting sciatica already. Both from standing too long and sitting too long. I keep forgetting to look up exercises to help that I can do at work to help.
5 months. I plan on staying until Jan. 2 (I want that time and a half from new years day!!) who knows. I just have to take it a week at a time. I need to give them 2 weeks notice. I also need to research maternity leave.
Here is a photo Sister took on my birthday. 3.5 months!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
baby names
I have decided not to tell people the names we pick. Not that at this point we've picked any. Or, I have, and Jason shuts down everything I say. I hope we don't call the kid, well, Kid. I don't want people cringing at my favourite names.
We do have middle names.
My friend Braz is going though a pretty major journey. I thought it would be nice to honour him. We've decided if Ziggy is a boy we are giving him the middle name Braz. Since Braz is not really a feminine name, I asked him if he had any girl names he would like to use. He chose Charlotte.
This is what he said about the name, and why he chose it:
"Wow. That is so powerful and a huge honour. Thank you to you and J for the honour. My favourite girl's name is Charlotte, after my Great Aunt Lottie who was like my mother figure from my birth until she died when I was ten. She filled me with love, taught me to garden and bake and cook. She fully loved me as I was. She didn't have a competent husband so she became an entrepreneur in the 1950s . She was an expert baker and baked and cooked for wealthy families around the town. She made enough to live off. She was a big woman, strong and capable and quiet."
Pretty good legacy to continue, no?
Here is just a small part about why I wanted to honour Braz, and continue his name. This is something wrote on facebook to keep his friends and family updated. I felt not just updated, but feel blessed to be his friend. I knew he was an amazing person before this. This attitude is not new. I want to share his words. (with permission) This is a lot of back ground, and I've bolded and italicized some bits that I find important.
It has been a difficult few days. I’ve been in my third week following my first chemo treatment. I had been exhausted for most of the three weeks to the point where I could do very little other than sleep, shuffle about my condo, slowly eat the meals that my loved ones prepared for me, listen to music, and do a very small amount of composing. I have only been able to sleep for a couple of hours at a time due to chest and back pain and breathing challenges. In the second week after chemo I started having what they call “black, tarry stool”. That is a sign of internal bleeding. I put off going to emerg because I kept thinking it would clear up and kept imagining I was feeling better. But I started having severe sweats and my fever would spike to 38.8 over a couple of days and I finally agreed to go to emerg.
On Sunday, B, my ex-partner and R, my girlfriend, and I went to M. Health. We explained that I had advanced sarcoma, was receiving chemo, and had black stool and fever and sweats. I really felt that I was there to get tested for infection and hadn’t been thinking about the internal bleeding because my stool had appeared to return to normal. Given my situation, the emerg staff put us in a small, private room where we would spend the next 13 hours. They took lots of blood in different shapes and sizes of containers to test for various possible infections.
The first doc we encountered decided to start intravenous antibiotics as a precaution. However, he also had a nurse deliver three advil, a gravol IV bag and a morphine IV bag. Chemo patients are not supposed to take advil, especially those with symptoms of internal bleeding. I declined the advil, gravol and morphine and we got the IV antibiotics started. They also gave me an IV bag of saline.
The room that we were in was the same room that I was put in a year and a half ago, when I was taken to emerg with a collapsed lung, pneumonia, pleural empyema, and a blood infection. I almost died in that room last year when the docs just gave me morphine and told me to sleep. I woke unable to breathe and sat upright and gasped until I got some air. I leaned forward and found I was able to breathe a bit better. I sat in that room for two days while we waited for a bed in the hospital. I sat up at the bedside, leaning on the hospital table. I didn’t sleep. When I was transferred to a regular bed, they still didn’t know what to make of my situation and continued to give me morphine and added antibiotics. I continued to sit up and lean on the table day after day. I got a blanket brought from home and folded it into a sort of face pillow atop the table. I had a crevice for my nose and would lay forward with my face on the blanket and doze for short periods. I could barely eat and was getting delirious and was entirely exhausted.
On the fifth day, I was sent for yet another CT Scan – they had already done several – and a doc from the ICU, Dr. R, saw me and followed me back to my room and had me transferred immediately to the ICU. They puzzled over what to do until a thoracic surgeon, Dr. L, was asked to look at me. He ordered a surgical tray and right there at my bedside cut a hole into my chest to insert a garden hose-thick drain tube. He couldn’t get the tube through the sticky fluid in my chest wall, so he pushed his rubber-gloved finger into my chest and wiggled it around to break up the obstacle. Then he pushed the drain tube in. The team of docs decided to inject my chest with a chemical cocktail which would loosen up everything in my chest. They injected me then sealed the drain tube. I laid on my side in excruciating pain for one hour. It felt like my entire chest cavity was a bubbling cauldron. My stepson, Rb, came to visit right during that hour and all I could say to him was, “this isn’t the best time for a visit”. When the hour was up, they unsealed the tube and attached it to a drain box. They also put two more, smaller, tubes into my back. Over the next weeks, more than five litres of fluid drained out of my chest. I could breathe again and started a very slow recovery.
It was strange being back in that same emergency room. With the same side table. I felt like I was visiting with an old war buddy. I also had a lot of emotions that came with the memories.
We somehow got another doc assigned to us and he came in to discuss the blood tests. Nothing had shown up in terms of infection but he was concerned about my hemoglobin levels. I had had a test the week before, and even though the black stool had stopped, my hemoglobin had dropped notably in just a few days. He was concerned about internal bleeding and had a phone conversation with a doc from P M. The local doc was leaning towards sending me there for emergency care but they decided together to give me a unit of blood and send me home.
It took them hours to get the blood match done and to start the transfusion. Having confirmation that I was bleeding internally was a hard thing to hear, even though the black stool and severe exhaustion had suggested it. While they started the transfusion I became very quiet and serious as my memory was dragged back to my teens. When I was 15 years old I began having stomach troubles. When I was 17 I began suffering severe fatigue, lethargy, exhaustion. Blood tests showed low hemoglobin and eventually I fainted in the middle of my family doc’s waiting room while there for yet another checkup. That got some serious attention and I was taken by ambulance to C. Memorial hospital. They found my blood levels life-threateningly low and began the first of what would be many transfusions. This was in the 1980s at the height of what would become the Canadian blood scandal. It is no minor miracle that I escaped my many transfusions without AIDS or Hepatitis.
It took several years of testing in K, W, H and eventually, T, before they discovered that I had two haemangioma, benign tumours made up of densely packed blood vessels. One was in my abdomen and one was in my throat. Over those years, my life became a strange limbo. I dropped out of school, was too tired to hold down a job, and spent a whole lot of time living in hospitals surrounded by elderly people and the very sick and dying. It was a time of life when my friends and school mates where “at their peak” physically and doing all the things that teens do. My life was limited to a small circle of friends, reading, listening to music, writing, and playing music. I learned a lot from my time with the sick and dying, primarily to never take life for granted and to make sure I lived a life that I would not regret. I saw the differences in how people die – how those who were at peace with the life they had lived died more peacefully.
Also over those years I had many, many blood transfusions. It was a difficult time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t doing very much that was meaningful with my life. I wasn’t getting better. I was tested for every known disease before they discovered the haemangioma. I eventually had two major surgeries to remove the tumours. Those surgeries and the impacts on my life are another story entirely.
Laying in the emerg bed last Sunday, watching the blood slowly creep up the plastic tube toward my arm, I had all of those memories and emotions come back into my body. The blood took a couple of hours and then they kept me longer because I had a fever. They gave me Tylenol and another bag of saline before they let me go. B had gone home to sleep but came back to pick up R and I. It was 3am Monday when we got home. We’d been at the hospital for 13 hours, but it felt like a lifetime.
I slept the best I could that night. Spent a couple of hours on the couch then a few hours in bed, propped up on pillows. My mind had sort of gone blank and my body felt distant and shut down. On Monday I felt quite emotional and spoke with B and R about my memories and feelings. Later in the day, my sisters, K and J and my niece, Kt, came to see me and we talked as well. I had a lot of tears that day. Tears for my teenage self in his fear and isolation. Tears for myself of last year for the life and death struggle he endured. Tears for my family’s pain and hardship. Tears because I haven’t been able to do as much for my kids this last year as I would like and tears over the unknown about my cancer and the internal bleeding.
We had good chats and everyone was supportive and loving and I am deeply grateful for that. I am blessed with the people who are caring for me in so many ways. I was exhausted at the end of the day and slept the best I could.
Today, Tuesday, we had to get up early for an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. G., downtown. This appointment was the check up prior to my next chemo treatment. I was a bit anxious because I was going to get an x-ray that would tell us whether there was a sign that the chemo was working or not. We arrived early, waiting a long time for the blood work to be done, then got the x-ray. All the while two young researchers were recruiting me for a new talk therapy program for cancer patients that they were involved in developing. Eventually, we saw Dr. G. and she told me the two things that I did not want to hear. First, the x-ray did not look good. She didn’t see any clearing and in fact my chest was more “full” than last time. She doesn’t know how much is fluid and how much is tumours, but the bottom line was that she didn’t see an obvious indication that the chemo had affected the cancer in a positive way.
The second thing that she told me was that the diagnosis that had been done previously was not entirely accurate. They had previously told me that I had one of two kinds of sarcoma – the kind that tended to respond well to chemo. I was told then, that I was lucky. Today they corrected that diagnosis. Further testing on the sample showed that I have the other kind of sarcoma. The unlucky kind. The kind that tends not to respond to chemo.
B, R, K, and I all had some questions. But I felt a heavy weight of disappointment drop onto me. Everything that I have been enduring has been in the hope that the chemo would help reduce the cancer. We still need to have a CT Scan to properly assess the status of the cancer and to see where the fluid is and how much there is. But even the fact that so much fluid has accumulated in the last two weeks is not a good sign.
Dr. G wants to try a second round of the same chemo drug. If that doesn’t show any results, she has one other drug to try. She didn’t want to give me odds because she said that it works on some people and doesn’t on others. If it works, your odds are 100%. We can surmise what the odds are if it doesn’t work.
She is concerned about the bleeding and is going to give me two units of blood prior to the chemo treatment this Thursday. They are also going to do another ultrasound-guided chest drain on Thursday. They may also attempt to insert some substance into my chest to prevent the fluid from building up again. It will be a long, long day at the hospital.
This has been a hard week. The one positive is that all of the doctors who have seen me say that they are amazed at “how well I’m doing considering what the x-ray shows”. I’ve been told that for months now. My body is managing this heavy disease burden as well as possible. I am glad that I have lived well, eaten well, exercised, cared for myself. But I know that there are limits. The flipside of the compliment is that the expectation is that I would not be doing well and therefore that I don’t have much more room for the cancer to spread before I will not be doing “well”.
I don’t know what to think or feel right now. The scope of my health journey is almost too vast to process. There are many biographical, emotional, and physical layers to what I’m experiencing. I can only come back to what my core values are. And they are to deal with the situation with as much courage and dignity as I can. To be open to humour, although that has been a big challenge this week. To be honest with everyone about what is happening. To keep taking the best care of myself that I can. To hold onto hope for healing while also being truthful with myself about my situation. There are big things to be worried about now: the spread of the cancer and the internal bleeding. But we are going to try round two of this chemo medicine and if that doesn’t work and my body is still holding up, we’ll try the other drug. If that doesn’t work we will worry about it then.
I can’t help but think about dying. About when I might die and how I might die. But I’m not dwelling on that. It is part of what I am experiencing but it is not happening right now. Right now I am sitting on my couch, breathing in oxygen from my loyal oxygen concentrator. My sister is resting in the other room. R is painting. B is out looking for a new couch for me. I continue to be very blessed.
I am also blessed with many, many family members and friends and acquaintances, and even total strangers, who are sending me good wishes, healing thoughts and energies, and prayers. I take great comfort in that and I appreciate it with all of my heart.
As my sister, K, has taught me to say to myself, although I feel useless sometimes because there is little that I can contribute right now, although I am exhausted all of the time, although I am full of cancer and bleeding inside, I love and accept myself fully. I think that is the best we can do whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.
I encourage you to appreciate whatever good is happening in your life right now. Even something as simple as taking in a nice, full breath. Or the feeling of laying down flat on your bed. Or the sensation of walking. Whatever you are facing, I encourage you to love and accept yourself fully.
And I love you. "
There are of course, financial worries. Braz has an album, and you can download it, or order a CD. Buy it for the music. It's pretty damn great, so it's a win win!!
http://herecomethefirehorses.com/
We do have middle names.
My friend Braz is going though a pretty major journey. I thought it would be nice to honour him. We've decided if Ziggy is a boy we are giving him the middle name Braz. Since Braz is not really a feminine name, I asked him if he had any girl names he would like to use. He chose Charlotte.
This is what he said about the name, and why he chose it:
"Wow. That is so powerful and a huge honour. Thank you to you and J for the honour. My favourite girl's name is Charlotte, after my Great Aunt Lottie who was like my mother figure from my birth until she died when I was ten. She filled me with love, taught me to garden and bake and cook. She fully loved me as I was. She didn't have a competent husband so she became an entrepreneur in the 1950s . She was an expert baker and baked and cooked for wealthy families around the town. She made enough to live off. She was a big woman, strong and capable and quiet."
Pretty good legacy to continue, no?
Here is just a small part about why I wanted to honour Braz, and continue his name. This is something wrote on facebook to keep his friends and family updated. I felt not just updated, but feel blessed to be his friend. I knew he was an amazing person before this. This attitude is not new. I want to share his words. (with permission) This is a lot of back ground, and I've bolded and italicized some bits that I find important.
"Not the Journey I Would Have Chosen, But the Journey I Am On.
16 July 2013 at 18:41
Reflections on the events of the last few days. It has been a difficult few days. I’ve been in my third week following my first chemo treatment. I had been exhausted for most of the three weeks to the point where I could do very little other than sleep, shuffle about my condo, slowly eat the meals that my loved ones prepared for me, listen to music, and do a very small amount of composing. I have only been able to sleep for a couple of hours at a time due to chest and back pain and breathing challenges. In the second week after chemo I started having what they call “black, tarry stool”. That is a sign of internal bleeding. I put off going to emerg because I kept thinking it would clear up and kept imagining I was feeling better. But I started having severe sweats and my fever would spike to 38.8 over a couple of days and I finally agreed to go to emerg.
On Sunday, B, my ex-partner and R, my girlfriend, and I went to M. Health. We explained that I had advanced sarcoma, was receiving chemo, and had black stool and fever and sweats. I really felt that I was there to get tested for infection and hadn’t been thinking about the internal bleeding because my stool had appeared to return to normal. Given my situation, the emerg staff put us in a small, private room where we would spend the next 13 hours. They took lots of blood in different shapes and sizes of containers to test for various possible infections.
The first doc we encountered decided to start intravenous antibiotics as a precaution. However, he also had a nurse deliver three advil, a gravol IV bag and a morphine IV bag. Chemo patients are not supposed to take advil, especially those with symptoms of internal bleeding. I declined the advil, gravol and morphine and we got the IV antibiotics started. They also gave me an IV bag of saline.
The room that we were in was the same room that I was put in a year and a half ago, when I was taken to emerg with a collapsed lung, pneumonia, pleural empyema, and a blood infection. I almost died in that room last year when the docs just gave me morphine and told me to sleep. I woke unable to breathe and sat upright and gasped until I got some air. I leaned forward and found I was able to breathe a bit better. I sat in that room for two days while we waited for a bed in the hospital. I sat up at the bedside, leaning on the hospital table. I didn’t sleep. When I was transferred to a regular bed, they still didn’t know what to make of my situation and continued to give me morphine and added antibiotics. I continued to sit up and lean on the table day after day. I got a blanket brought from home and folded it into a sort of face pillow atop the table. I had a crevice for my nose and would lay forward with my face on the blanket and doze for short periods. I could barely eat and was getting delirious and was entirely exhausted.
On the fifth day, I was sent for yet another CT Scan – they had already done several – and a doc from the ICU, Dr. R, saw me and followed me back to my room and had me transferred immediately to the ICU. They puzzled over what to do until a thoracic surgeon, Dr. L, was asked to look at me. He ordered a surgical tray and right there at my bedside cut a hole into my chest to insert a garden hose-thick drain tube. He couldn’t get the tube through the sticky fluid in my chest wall, so he pushed his rubber-gloved finger into my chest and wiggled it around to break up the obstacle. Then he pushed the drain tube in. The team of docs decided to inject my chest with a chemical cocktail which would loosen up everything in my chest. They injected me then sealed the drain tube. I laid on my side in excruciating pain for one hour. It felt like my entire chest cavity was a bubbling cauldron. My stepson, Rb, came to visit right during that hour and all I could say to him was, “this isn’t the best time for a visit”. When the hour was up, they unsealed the tube and attached it to a drain box. They also put two more, smaller, tubes into my back. Over the next weeks, more than five litres of fluid drained out of my chest. I could breathe again and started a very slow recovery.
It was strange being back in that same emergency room. With the same side table. I felt like I was visiting with an old war buddy. I also had a lot of emotions that came with the memories.
We somehow got another doc assigned to us and he came in to discuss the blood tests. Nothing had shown up in terms of infection but he was concerned about my hemoglobin levels. I had had a test the week before, and even though the black stool had stopped, my hemoglobin had dropped notably in just a few days. He was concerned about internal bleeding and had a phone conversation with a doc from P M. The local doc was leaning towards sending me there for emergency care but they decided together to give me a unit of blood and send me home.
It took them hours to get the blood match done and to start the transfusion. Having confirmation that I was bleeding internally was a hard thing to hear, even though the black stool and severe exhaustion had suggested it. While they started the transfusion I became very quiet and serious as my memory was dragged back to my teens. When I was 15 years old I began having stomach troubles. When I was 17 I began suffering severe fatigue, lethargy, exhaustion. Blood tests showed low hemoglobin and eventually I fainted in the middle of my family doc’s waiting room while there for yet another checkup. That got some serious attention and I was taken by ambulance to C. Memorial hospital. They found my blood levels life-threateningly low and began the first of what would be many transfusions. This was in the 1980s at the height of what would become the Canadian blood scandal. It is no minor miracle that I escaped my many transfusions without AIDS or Hepatitis.
It took several years of testing in K, W, H and eventually, T, before they discovered that I had two haemangioma, benign tumours made up of densely packed blood vessels. One was in my abdomen and one was in my throat. Over those years, my life became a strange limbo. I dropped out of school, was too tired to hold down a job, and spent a whole lot of time living in hospitals surrounded by elderly people and the very sick and dying. It was a time of life when my friends and school mates where “at their peak” physically and doing all the things that teens do. My life was limited to a small circle of friends, reading, listening to music, writing, and playing music. I learned a lot from my time with the sick and dying, primarily to never take life for granted and to make sure I lived a life that I would not regret. I saw the differences in how people die – how those who were at peace with the life they had lived died more peacefully.
Also over those years I had many, many blood transfusions. It was a difficult time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t doing very much that was meaningful with my life. I wasn’t getting better. I was tested for every known disease before they discovered the haemangioma. I eventually had two major surgeries to remove the tumours. Those surgeries and the impacts on my life are another story entirely.
Laying in the emerg bed last Sunday, watching the blood slowly creep up the plastic tube toward my arm, I had all of those memories and emotions come back into my body. The blood took a couple of hours and then they kept me longer because I had a fever. They gave me Tylenol and another bag of saline before they let me go. B had gone home to sleep but came back to pick up R and I. It was 3am Monday when we got home. We’d been at the hospital for 13 hours, but it felt like a lifetime.
I slept the best I could that night. Spent a couple of hours on the couch then a few hours in bed, propped up on pillows. My mind had sort of gone blank and my body felt distant and shut down. On Monday I felt quite emotional and spoke with B and R about my memories and feelings. Later in the day, my sisters, K and J and my niece, Kt, came to see me and we talked as well. I had a lot of tears that day. Tears for my teenage self in his fear and isolation. Tears for myself of last year for the life and death struggle he endured. Tears for my family’s pain and hardship. Tears because I haven’t been able to do as much for my kids this last year as I would like and tears over the unknown about my cancer and the internal bleeding.
We had good chats and everyone was supportive and loving and I am deeply grateful for that. I am blessed with the people who are caring for me in so many ways. I was exhausted at the end of the day and slept the best I could.
Today, Tuesday, we had to get up early for an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. G., downtown. This appointment was the check up prior to my next chemo treatment. I was a bit anxious because I was going to get an x-ray that would tell us whether there was a sign that the chemo was working or not. We arrived early, waiting a long time for the blood work to be done, then got the x-ray. All the while two young researchers were recruiting me for a new talk therapy program for cancer patients that they were involved in developing. Eventually, we saw Dr. G. and she told me the two things that I did not want to hear. First, the x-ray did not look good. She didn’t see any clearing and in fact my chest was more “full” than last time. She doesn’t know how much is fluid and how much is tumours, but the bottom line was that she didn’t see an obvious indication that the chemo had affected the cancer in a positive way.
The second thing that she told me was that the diagnosis that had been done previously was not entirely accurate. They had previously told me that I had one of two kinds of sarcoma – the kind that tended to respond well to chemo. I was told then, that I was lucky. Today they corrected that diagnosis. Further testing on the sample showed that I have the other kind of sarcoma. The unlucky kind. The kind that tends not to respond to chemo.
B, R, K, and I all had some questions. But I felt a heavy weight of disappointment drop onto me. Everything that I have been enduring has been in the hope that the chemo would help reduce the cancer. We still need to have a CT Scan to properly assess the status of the cancer and to see where the fluid is and how much there is. But even the fact that so much fluid has accumulated in the last two weeks is not a good sign.
Dr. G wants to try a second round of the same chemo drug. If that doesn’t show any results, she has one other drug to try. She didn’t want to give me odds because she said that it works on some people and doesn’t on others. If it works, your odds are 100%. We can surmise what the odds are if it doesn’t work.
She is concerned about the bleeding and is going to give me two units of blood prior to the chemo treatment this Thursday. They are also going to do another ultrasound-guided chest drain on Thursday. They may also attempt to insert some substance into my chest to prevent the fluid from building up again. It will be a long, long day at the hospital.
This has been a hard week. The one positive is that all of the doctors who have seen me say that they are amazed at “how well I’m doing considering what the x-ray shows”. I’ve been told that for months now. My body is managing this heavy disease burden as well as possible. I am glad that I have lived well, eaten well, exercised, cared for myself. But I know that there are limits. The flipside of the compliment is that the expectation is that I would not be doing well and therefore that I don’t have much more room for the cancer to spread before I will not be doing “well”.
I don’t know what to think or feel right now. The scope of my health journey is almost too vast to process. There are many biographical, emotional, and physical layers to what I’m experiencing. I can only come back to what my core values are. And they are to deal with the situation with as much courage and dignity as I can. To be open to humour, although that has been a big challenge this week. To be honest with everyone about what is happening. To keep taking the best care of myself that I can. To hold onto hope for healing while also being truthful with myself about my situation. There are big things to be worried about now: the spread of the cancer and the internal bleeding. But we are going to try round two of this chemo medicine and if that doesn’t work and my body is still holding up, we’ll try the other drug. If that doesn’t work we will worry about it then.
I can’t help but think about dying. About when I might die and how I might die. But I’m not dwelling on that. It is part of what I am experiencing but it is not happening right now. Right now I am sitting on my couch, breathing in oxygen from my loyal oxygen concentrator. My sister is resting in the other room. R is painting. B is out looking for a new couch for me. I continue to be very blessed.
I am also blessed with many, many family members and friends and acquaintances, and even total strangers, who are sending me good wishes, healing thoughts and energies, and prayers. I take great comfort in that and I appreciate it with all of my heart.
As my sister, K, has taught me to say to myself, although I feel useless sometimes because there is little that I can contribute right now, although I am exhausted all of the time, although I am full of cancer and bleeding inside, I love and accept myself fully. I think that is the best we can do whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.
I encourage you to appreciate whatever good is happening in your life right now. Even something as simple as taking in a nice, full breath. Or the feeling of laying down flat on your bed. Or the sensation of walking. Whatever you are facing, I encourage you to love and accept yourself fully.
And I love you. "
There are of course, financial worries. Braz has an album, and you can download it, or order a CD. Buy it for the music. It's pretty damn great, so it's a win win!!
http://herecomethefirehorses.com/
Thursday, July 4, 2013
an announcemnet
I'm Pregnant!
I've tried to keep it quiet.
Some people may have gleaned from how tired I am what the case may be.
I had an ultrasound Monday, and everything is just fine. Good heartbeat. Movement.
We've been calling the baby Ziggy.
Meet Ziggy!
I've tried to keep it quiet.
Some people may have gleaned from how tired I am what the case may be.
I had an ultrasound Monday, and everything is just fine. Good heartbeat. Movement.
We've been calling the baby Ziggy.
Meet Ziggy!
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