5am

It's 5am, and I seem to have a case of pregnancy induced insomnia.
So hey,  a good time to catch up right?


My sad news is that my friend Braz passed away.  He died in hospice care, with his sister and RSVP, his girlfriend (and my friend).


He passed the morning of our annual Burning Man "orphan burn".  An afternoon/evening on the beach for those people who either have been to Burning Man, and are 'orphaned' this year, or for those who are interested in the community, but have never been.

Braz had attended for almost as long as I had (as long!?).  I had been planning on making an art project for him.

He was a poet, and in the last several months, he had asked people to read him poetry, and email it to him.  I had planned on having people write a haiku, and record it for him so he could be there with us.


I had been out all morning looking for a recording device.  I didn't find one.  And when I got home, I got the news.
It was devastating.  I full on bawled.  I had found out on facebook.  The crazy part was I continued scrolling though my 'news feed'.  My friends The Smiths had a baby girl that morning too.  Here I was, sitting in bed, Bawling in sadness, and laughing in joy.  At the same time.  It was by far, the strangest I had ever felt.

I changed my avatar to this photo of me and Braz:

Braz and I at the last Lunacy Cabaret we where at together.  The last night I actually saw him.

I don't think I am articulate enough to share my feelings about Braz.  About why everyone loved him.  He was just one of those people.  And he seemed to love everyone back.

RSVP, his girlfriend, and my friend, invited J and I to his funeral service.

It was really wonderful hearing what everyone had to say about him.  Braz had a tracheotomy.  He could speak, but not very loudly, and his voice was very deep.  I loved his voice, and his laugh.  But it meant we didn't get to have long conversations.  I didn't know anything about him beyond what he posted on facebook, and the activities we both participated in.
He was in The Wild Strawberries.  He sang on one track:

http://snd.sc/1a3oI6S

I'm planning on gathering all this info for Ziggy.  Braz's namesake.

I had posted on of his letters that he shared with us.  Read it again if you like:

http://beccasnb.blogspot.ca/2013/07/baby-names.html


I'm not sure where I am with his death.  I saw Braz once a month or so at different events.  He was a very very busy person.  Squeezing as much life out of his days as he could.  We did managed to connect one on one a few times, and it was lovely.  So I don't miss his presence daily.

He spoke about nature, and noticing things around us.  He told a story once about a day he was at the DMV or something.  I think it was before the cancer, but during the time he was in the process of having his throat surgery.  He wouldn't have been able to speak afterwards.
He was just out side, and it was a beautiful day.  There was a breeze, and he lifted his arms out and let it wash over him.  And he started to weep in the beauty of that moment.  When he opened his eyes again, there where people watching him.  His comment:  "Beautiful day eh?".
I have what I now call Braz moments.  Where it is just beautiful.  And I spread my arms and weep.  Weep from the simple beauty, weep because Braz isn't here to see beauty like it anymore, because I can't share it with him.


On our way home from the funeral J turned to me and said "why not Braz as a first name?"  So, if it suits, Ziggy will be named Braz, or Charlotte if it's a girl, after Braz's aunt (picked by him).  I can't think of a better tribute that we are in the position to give.

connection part two

So, after that last blog post (um...not the menu plan ha ha) My friend...lets call him Cory MacDonald, came up to me at a party and was all like...WTF Becca!?  OK, he didn't say that.  or maybe he did, I can't remember.  I had a whole glass of sangria...I don't remember a lot...that's also not true...the not remembering part.  I do remember.

that's why I'm *writing* this

(pardon me, I'm over tired and under coffee'd)

I had the pleasure of seeing Beat not once but twice yesterday.  It was lovely.  We where both at the party in the evening and spirits where high and we where flirty.  I somehow got on to the topic of my feeling regarding him (and North) with a handful of friends.  And they think I'm adorable (and crazy?)  But Cory was all like "WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM!?"  And I was all like "CORY!  I DON'T *KNOW!*"  So he explained it to me.  So what if I am sexually attracted to other people?  (he's married, and monogamous too...)  So?  So I have this connection with another man (crappit, men), what am I going to do about it?  Oh, nothing.  Because I love Jason, and I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. 
Oh.
Right.

*ahem*

I'll just be over here staring at this spot on the wall feeling rather silly.

I think it's important to note that it's important to *know* this.  To know what your boundaries are.  Beat and I know.  We actually talk about it (in a very not serious, joking, fun way...and I don't even know if he read my last blog post, or if he's just all SMRT like that, or both).

So all in all.  I feel better, and less crazy about it.  Thanks Cory MacDonald.  Smooch.