from status update to blog post.

I just posted this on Facebook:

well, more silver lining to my miscarriage... SO glad I am not 7 months pregnant in this heat. and I get to go to mOOseman 2012 of which I was sorrily disappointed not to be going to. And on that note, with my big mouth, we are able to start trying again in Sept. and would love your fertility prayers and vibes (OMG! isn't that this years Burning Man theme!!?? will someone do something for me, maybe a prayer in the temple???)

and in the comments:

also just realized Rizo was due Sept. 2. the day the man burns. will some one transcribe something on to the man for me too?? ok...I'll admit to being a burner now.

Big tears on that, but I hope someone will step up for me, because that extra little ritual, with all of those peoples (and a lot of friends) energies will help me immensely.  Whether or not it helps my get pregnant is another story! 

 But I believe in ritual.  I believe in crying and mourning (or rejoicing!) AND LETTING GO.  I believe our little ritual together helped up both let go.  I also believe that Sept. 2 will be a super hard day for me.  And that I'll need something to help lessen my grip even more.  Rizo will never be gone, but I can let him stay with out hurting me.  

 

Another point I sometimes think about is that Rizo was never viable.  Rizo was never going to be a human baby.  And maybe that makes it silly.  Or maybe I worry that *others* think it's silly.  I'm not articulating my point well, but I've decided it *isn't* silly to mourn a 'failed' pregnancy.

 

And on the burning man front.  I've denied to myself that I'm a 'burner', everyone assures me I am.  In taking this step, and asking my friends for help in my ritual *at* burning man I think I just came out of the closet.  One of those situations where everyone goes "I knew it all along!".

 We often have what we call  Orphan Burn, for those of us who are not at Burning Man, and last year Jason and I renewed our vows (the theme last year was rites of passage).  I can do some more personal healing then too.  

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

healing with photography

breath 1

breath 2

breath 3

breath 4

compassion

focus

pain

*edit*

This morning at 8:30 the sun came over the building across the street.  As it shone in my eyes, I felt like I could breath again.  I hadn't realized I was holding my breath.