birth story

So, my birth plan got chucked out the window.  Turns out, all for the better!

The plan was:
Natural labour with J and my Mom attending at:
#1 - Birth centre
#2 - hospital if the birth centre wasn't open yet (or there was some complication)
#3 - we prepared the home birth kit because it's winter.  The blizzard in mid December, and the ice storm a week later scared me, and I didn't want to be at home scrambling because we couldn't leave and an ambulance was taking forever.

To start, it was a Pickle (my 16 y/o stepson) weekend!  The original plan was to go to Grandpa W's in Tottenham.  We decided Thursday maybe that wasn't a good idea.  So Pickle was going to come down Friday night, or Saturday morning.  Well, being a 16 year old boy, he slept until 3pm!  But first, back to the beginning...

Saturday I had regular, not strong contractions in the early morning 5/6am ish.  I decided to have a bath, and they slowed down some, but I called the midwife and was instructed to rest, and to call back when they got frequent and more intense. Around 8:30 I called my mom, and she came over late morning (after a shower and breakfast) My contractions where fairly mild, so she went out and bought fixings for chicken stock, as I probably wouldn't want to eat, but would need something nutritious.  I called the midwife around 2:30 again with stronger contractions and got checked. 80% effaced and 1 cm dilated. I called SisterS as she was supposed to pick up my mil and bring her back here when we left for the hospital. Midwife left so I could continue to labour in peace. I overheard hubby tell the her that we are prepared for a home birth if it needed to happen.  The stock smelled really good so I had a cup and half a grilled cheese, contracting stronger and regular. We finally found out that Pickle had slept until 3.  I suggested that his mom, who was driving him, pick up mil, as things where obviously progressing.  J and I moved to the bedroom to try some hypnobirth techniques. SisterS arrived. I got in the bath. Things really revved up. My mom was amazing, and coached me though.  J called the midwife at 5:30, again he said we where ready for home birth. I got out of the bath and onto bed and asked J if a home birth was really ok with him. He said yes!! (I have wanted a home birth all along, but J was very uncomfortable with the idea, so I compromised with the idea of the birth centre)  I started having crazy contractions, wanted to push.  I was on my hands and knees, and kept thinking I sounded, and probably looked like a gorilla!  I went with it.  I think I need to send a thank you to Ina May Gaskin who talks about 'letting your monkey do it', and imagining yourself as an animal.  The midwife  arrived after 2 contractions like that. She checked me again, had a small lip of cervix and waters still intact.  She got busy getting all her gear ready and called back up midwives. Transition sucked. It was very scary.  I wanted to stop, but my body wouldn't.  Got shaky and dry heaved a few times.  My mom's continued coaching, and J's comfort where so so helpful during that part.  I've never felt so scared.  The midwife wanted me on my back to push (she gave a reason...I don't remember, I just wanted it done!).  J was on one side, mom on the other. I was given the go to push. My waters broke in a streaming gush, almost in the midwife's face!  The crazy part was the audible "pop!".  The midwife was an amazing coach. I would have had to push way longer if weren't for her. I was stopping during the most intense parts because it was so scary. She got me to continue. I felt the babies head, and that gave me more strength. J got up to catch the baby. He had his first poo all over all of us immediately after his exit.  I had to ask if it was a boy or girl!! We got to do skin on skin for a loooong time. J cut the cord and I pushed out the placenta. I had one small tear.  The midwife said it was his hand and that I got his head out with no tears!! Lionel pooped all over me again while we cuddled. The midwife gave me 2 stitches. I breastfed with the help of another midwife with some success.
I'm still in disbelief that it happened so quickly, and so perfectly.  15ish hours in labour, an hour and a bit pushing.  I went from 1 cm to fully dilated in 3 hours!  unbelievable.
I am thrilled that I am in the care of midwives.  They are so caring, and thorough.  I can't imagine being in the care of even the most caring obstetrician.  The doctor would not have gently cleaned up the poo, including mine!  It's just not in their training. 
We have had 3 home visits from my two midwives, with one more tomorrow.  I will have a total of 6 weeks care from them.  I'm already feeling sad for when being in their care is over.

We have the placenta in the freezer, and plan on burying it near the same tree we put the sacred herbs for Rizo.  

On the subject of having a graceful labour:  It never felt clunky or ugly.  My midwife said it was beautiful.  I think I achieved my idea of a graceful labour ("...accepts things as they come, with beauty.  Accepts the good and bad with beauty and openness."), even if, or maybe because, I was a gorilla!

Grace in labour

Before I wrote yesterdays blog, I posted a coles note version of it as my status update in Facebook.

Someone's response to this bit "Asking for the blessing of an uncomplicated, easy, graceful labour." was:

"Graceful is not a word I associate with labour....but I wish you as uncomplicated and easy a labour as possible."

My response:

'Why not?

"Graceful: characterized by grace of form, manner, movement, or speech"
"Grace:
1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.
2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.
3. A sense of fitness or propriety.
4.
a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
b. Mercy; clemency."

Labour does not have to be ugly and clunky and scary. I'm sure I'm not going to breeze around in a gown. But I'd love to labour in grace.'

And truly.  I have not experienced active labour before. I have had bouts of painful pre-labour contractions.  I needed to remind myself to relax.  Not to grimace.  When I faced those contractions with, shall we dare to say, grace, I felt less scared, and although I don't know if I'd say they where less painful, I was able to get though that minute more easily than the previous contraction.

I think the key word in the definition is 'seemingly'.  Like anything, grace takes effort.  Maybe it comes more naturally to some, but there is always effort behind it. 

I can either face the pain and/or discomfort with calm grace ('seemingly effortless', 'a sense of propriety'? 'goodwill'?) or fearful anticipation.  Maybe they aren't quite opposites, but I think 'grace' works.


I've been reading a lot.  Mainstream stuff, 'hippy' stuff.  Lots by Ina May Gaskin. Even 'old' stuff like 'Childbirth Without Fear' by Grantly Dick-Reid from the 40's.  I'm making informed choices.  
I know, I know, I know there is no amount of reading that will prepare me for this.  I'm not naive.  It will be work.  It will be painful.  It will be hard.  But that does not mean I need to be scared.  Anticipation of pain always always makes it worse.  No need to laugh when I say, "No, I'm not getting an epidural"  Don't pity me.   Respect my choices, as I've made them with much information.  Respect the words I use to describe my ideal labour.
 
(A quick aside: Although I've been vocal about not liking elective c-section, chemical inductions etc. I DO respect that it is a choice, I just feel they are uninformed choices a lot of the time.  Choices made in fear.)

My hope by going into labour with grace, peace, and calm that even if my plans go awry, I can stay graceful, peaceful and calm. 

aha!  Writing that out made me realize why the word grace works. 

Grace is not about my labour being pain free, complication free, epidural, episiotomy, induction, c-section free.  Having a graceful labour is flowing with what comes.  
When I think of grace I think of a gentle smile.
Someone who accepts things as they come, with beauty.
Accepts the good and bad with beauty and openness.

That is what I mean when I say I want a graceful labour.

just a reminder

I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that I'm not in dire straights and 'just' had a particularly bad day yesterday.

there are no thoughts about harming myself (or others!)

it's just a little darker than normal, but I'm not so deep that I can't see that I'm ok.  I'm aware enough now to see that I am struggling.  That's the first step right?

xxoo

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

urrgg...

I have christmasitis. 
Symptoms include, but are not limited to: grinch and scrooge like noises muttered, general malaise, the fervent wish that one was a bear and could get fat and hibernate until spring, headaches, anxiety attacks and grimacing every time one hears a Christmas carol. 

This disease seems to be genetic.  Both my parents seem to become symptomatic this time of year too. 

The cure:  Rescue Remedy, Tai chi, yoga, wearing purple flowers in your hair, enjoying when people around you are enjoying themselves, smiling, and giving (of yourself, not expensive gifts, or because it's obligatory).  In addition, take advantage of all the chocolate.

I like the chance to spend more time with (most) family.  I like *giving* presents, and ahem, getting (well thought out, not soap and candles) presents too.  I love that fact it's solstice and THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER!

A lot of my Christmas cards said something along the lines of "We hope your Holidays are filled with Joy and Grace" 

My Grandpa was surprised with the word, but ultimately liked it.  I used the work grace because if we can go through this disruptive and chaotic time with gracefully, all will be well. 

grace  (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4.

a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who dispense charm and beauty.

8.

a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

c. An excellence or power granted by God.

9. A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or after a meal.

10. Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

11. Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

tr.v. graced, grac·ing, grac·es

1. To honor or favor: You grace our table with your presence.

2. To give beauty, elegance, or charm to.

3. Music To embellish with grace notes.