feelin' buggy

I'm feeling down right buggy today.  Maybe I mean wiggy.  Jittery or just plain weird.

I was going to post about how well I've been doing food wise.  About 2 weeks of no gluten.  Some grains, rice and buckwheat.  Very very little sugar.  Just some lemonade and chai latte, and a bite or two when Jason gets a choky bar.  Subing in raw honey and maple syrup.

I felt happy, and people noticed.  No one was so bold as to tell me out right, but people interacted with me differently.  It was great.  I even *liked* people.  That was huge.  I didn't think people where likeable.

Then I ate a breakfast meal at Mc Donalds, and 2 pieces of cinnamon loaf from work. 

Grump city.  Headache and fatigue.

I will never do that again. 

I have to be SO on top of my eating.  I need to make my chia pudding and chocolate slop (I have no idea how she got it so stiff!  she says she didn't use beaters!) and set aside time to bake.  I can put bot of those in mason jars!


I challenge you today.  No more gluten!  and cut back on sugar.  I bet you'll feel the wold of difference!

Today I:

It's been a while since I did Today I:

I've been wanting to try it again.  I've been grumpy, and complaining a lot.  I want to be mindful of that, and really, stop complaining.  It's not cool. 

The premise is, I notice that I notice.

I try to remember that I was mindful about at least one of each of my senses; smell, touch, taste, sound, sight and emotion.

so, Today I:
Saw the stars
Thoroughly enjoyed the forbidden bit of chocolate cinnamon loaf (2 birds, one stone!  taste and emotion...mmmm food)
Made an effort to physically encourage a co-worker (rub/pat on the back.  Poor Ben is sick)
Listened to people sing along to the music at Vale Village.
Smelled the cold air, and the 'out side' smell once I was in side.

things i liked last week

I liked these things I saw last week.  maybe you saw them too, maybe you showed them to me!  but maybe, these things will make your week a little better too!

Best PSA evar.  (this was stuck in my head until I finally fell asleep last night!)

Best socks evar!  one day I will learn how to make a pattern and knit fun things from my head.

I love me some good photography.  it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  These are some incredible portraits.

overwork, over tired, oversick

I haven't had a day off in...I don't know when. 

I had a week long migraine, then I did a cleans that left me with no energy (I stopped) and NOW I'M SICK. 

I've missed several gatherings and this makes me sad. 

This made me happy today though.

I'm a big Radiohead fan.  So, it's not the lyrics, but the way one of my favourite songs has been done. 

a rambly update: long and boring or helpful and informative?

I seem to be able to update once a week.  This week I've thought several times about writing, but didn't have the huzpah.  Today I work at 12:30, so I'm not tired yet!

Miscarriage update:

I did indeed have a partial molar pregnancy.  We have to use birth control for 6 months (4.5 to go!) because if the tissue wasn't 100% expelled it can continue to grow, and will produce HCG hormones, exactly like pregnancy.  The info I linked to says one year, but I'll be getting monthly blood work (to test hormone levels), and hey, I'm going with my doctor, not the internet on this one!  I had been worrying about cancer, but it seems as though with a *partial* mole it's even less likely than a complete mole. 



Happy news:

My cousin had her baby Pip.  A little scary because he was almost a month early, and breech.  She ended up having a C section.  Everyone is healthy.  That's all I know because they had decided to have 2 weeks of just the 3 of them.  Updates to follow!  I'm a little envious, but very happy for them.  She's the oldest cousin, so I'm glad she got to have this first!  I hope I can take *full* advantage of handmedowns next...September/October? (here's hoping!)  the best part is my aunt and uncle (Pips Oma and Opa) had been travelling all winter and rushed home to be here for Easter.  So glad they are here now.



Clown:

Edith is performing this Thursday for the first time since October.  I hope I can fit into her dress!
An acquaintance of mine had started a group for people to 'play'.  I'm hoping to join them this year to expand my learning.  I've been going to a bi monthly 'clown jam' too.  Where a nose of clowns (like a pride of lions, or a flock of birds!) get together and run through turns and develop characters.  Very helpful and encouraging.


Life:

oh boy!  J lost his job in February.  This month we are getting by by the skin of our teeth.  I am now working 2 jobs.  And working 6-7 days a week.   I went back to my old boss and picked up 2 days doing maintenance.  And of course...the reason I felt I needed to get second job was because I wasn't getting hours at Starbucks...I had 35 last week.  I'm not going to complain about it though, we just hired someone else, so I'm sure my hours will go down again...
J has an interview/test at the place he wants to work at today.  it's casual, and J doesn't know what that means...but it's more than he's doing now, and a foot in the door.

all alone

J is away once or 2ce a month with Pickle.  A whole weekend to myself.

I like being alone, and not having to do anything or think of anyone but myself. 
Case in point.  I completely waisted about $20 on junk food this weekend.  Blue cheese, pate, ice cream, multi grain smoked cheddar crisps, cereal.  Food J either doesn't like, or food I don't want to share. (see...re my last post...I'm not pointing the finger at others with out seeing my own 'faults' too!!  when I came home I felt SO guilty for spending that money on non necessities, allowing myself to not care, giving into "this food will make me feel good", and not wanting to share.  So I accepted it, and ate the ice cream in 2 days)

Don't get me wrong.  I love J very very much, and he still makes me smile when he walks in the door.  I won't be getting rid of him any time...ever.

But that solitude.  SO GOOD.  I'm not even doing anything productive with it.  Indulging in the solitude.

I guess that's all I wanted to say.  I like being alone.  And I'll have to make sure it's built into my month once Pickle grows too old for visits, and we have kids together.  I read about strangers (on blogs) and watch friends going mad not having time alone.  I know I'll have to make date night/day/weekend with my self in order to stay sane.  I can't feel guilty about that, because a sane wife/mommy is a happy wife/mommy/ME.

A change

There is a change in me.
I'm not so...jaded...as I thought I was.
Since I've been at the cafe, I've realized, I don't really hate people.  Gosh,. for the longest time I did.  ugh.  But lately I've noticed that the kinds of things that use to bug me, just, don't.  I know that people are dumb, so it must be me who has changed.  Being nice, or liking people still doesn't come naturally to me, but this shift is interesting.
Not sure if it's been my dabble into Buddhism, or therapy, or just getting older.  But you know me, I don't really care why.  Hells, I *smile* at strangers, and it doesn't feel forced.
Although, it would be kinda nice to be able to tell you my secret so people could learn from me.  Oh well, a guru I am not.

626-650

todays 25

-mist
-blueberry oatmeal
-Gayles in the rain
-clematis blossoms
-leaning into agner
-saving worms
-not getting a parking ticket
-dry feet
-the boss leaving
-snacks from shoppers
-not a lot of weeds
-baby photos
-hearing both sides
-a learning experience
-getting kicked in the but by the golden rule
-writing a fun bio
-getting excited to perform again
-J moving forward
-watching a terrible movie and making fun of it
-couch snuggles
-making decicions
-not waiting anymore
-FRIDAY
-pink hair
-the weekend

601-625

yesterdays thanks

-sleeping well
-nice clients
-remembering to *lean*
-no migrain
-J getting a laptop cord, TP and bringing back *my* library books (best husband ever)
-spinach pie and my first ever chocolate eclair (from a client)
-working alone
-Gyuto monks chanting
-easy day
-new music
-blue jay and cardinal calls
-a trip to the flower shop
-cute french boy in overalls
-fresh asparagus
-apricots
-finding out I'm eating fairly well, and to eat *better* I need to eat more of some of my favs
-lilly of the vally
-lilacs
-my mom...it was her birthday (best mom ever)
-more enlightenment (one drop at a time!)
-praises from boss
-toast soldiers
-more plants for friends
-good acupuncture treatment
-the smell of rain

576-600

only 400 more to go!  WOW

-sleeeep
-cool morning
-pancakes and bacon
-knitted moustache (photos SOON)
-too many crakcers
-chocolate milk in my coffee
-the Diva Cup!
-an affectionate Pickle 
-little rain
-lack of ttc collector=free ride (we needed to buy a day pass...we waited i bit, but we had to go)
-deep fried food
-berry cake
-shaded patio
-PATIO!
-book shopping
-only buying 2 books
-Leonard Choens poetry
-pizza night
-baby Ethan Hawk and River Phoenix (10 points if you know what movie I'm talking about!)
-more knitting
-being alone
-dish washer
-linen napkins
-Spring/summer
-J
-new found control

551-575

this day, I'm thankful for:

-early morning Saturday
-St. Lawrence Market
-linen pants (yes, still)
-pea meal on a kaiser
-unclarified apple juice
-not buying a treat at the market
-finding chocolate in my bag
-eating said chocolate
-diva cup
-the hope of new deodorant that works AND doesn't irritated my pits
- organic jelly beans
-knitting
-sushi lunch
-maple fudge
-caramel
-M Bear
-chicken dinner
-watching kids work together to make a river
-sweet girl on the subway
-Seeing Bunny, Sisu and Dem
-Dufferin Grove Park
-pink toes
-pink grapefruit italian soda
-chocolate
-'Chanting' with M Bear

526-550

It's easier to be thankful when the sun is shining.

Today, on this summer like day, I was thankful/happy for:

-talking with J
-warm morning
-fragrances!  Snow ball viburnum, lavender, lemon thyme
-bird song
-sun through the ferns
-the sun shine!
-coffee
-knee brace
-tylonal
-sparrows taking dirt baths
-a good work mate
-green tea gingerale
-peace at Galyes
-light green carpet of maple flowers
-having a safe, considerate driver as a co-worker
-sweating
-hearing a wasp chew wood for its nest
-weeding
-discovering Buddhist chants
-on sale icecream
-linen pants
-no bra
-super cute little girl wearing an Avangers cap
-amazingly nice cashier
-cheese for dinner

blogger is back up! and so am I!

501-525 things that made me thankful/happy yesterday!

-no thunderstorm
-warm weather
-short day
-working with a friend who is mature, and not a bigot!
-afternoon delight
-talking to cardinals
-*seeing* the cardinals I was talking to!
-seeing how much has grown in a week. 
-looking forward to when Gayle's cherry tree puts out fruit (so yummy and tart!)
-feeling so content walking onto the ferry.
-spending 3 hours on the Islands
-photography
-The Sideshow Cafe
-coffee!
-feeding sparrows
-getting 'attacked' by mallards (who *also* wanted my pretzles and where bold enough to come right at me!)
-laying in a field in the sun
-learning about my camera
-taking myself out for sushi
-being mindful, and knowing even the good will pass, and enjoying my wonderful day to it's fullest extent
-laughing with strangers
-cold wind on the ferry home
-id-ing trees
-giant flock of seaguls
-staying up late and getting up late

uhhh...where was I??

I'm BACK.  feeling much better  now...my head no longer hurts!  YAY!

so where was in my 1000 thanks?
*flipflipflip*

so, this is the half way mark!

476-500 thanks!  (+!)

-SPRING IS HERE TO STAY (gods...by my saying that, I bet we're going to have a blizzard now...sorry)
-working with a friend
-fiddleheads!  Fist time eating them...they tasted green and yummy (esp. with the butter and garlic...)
-the surprise of another friend taking the same class as me!
-news that said friend is leaving his job to pursue his interests
-little white butterfly
-cold breeze (I LOVE breezes)
-new tv show,  Game of Thrones
-leftover home made curry. so yum!
-MAIL!  a piece of art, and a thank you card (and a cheque!)
-taking it easy
-getting work done
-chocolate for lunch
-donating $2
-holding the door open
-good talks at work
-Hugs from TRG
-Spicy sausage
-time to grocery shop
-having enough
-Hot baths
-leftovers for lunch again (leftovers are great!)
-more oranges
-kisses from J
-SPRING!  (that's how happy I am about it ok!)

450-475

today I am happy/thankful for:

-having the right to vote
-living in a riding where I get to vote directly for Jack Layton!
-rain morning
-over estimation in amount of work by boss
-weeding and being present
-the resiliance of plants
-rhododendron flowering
-getting to realize and feel what being compassionate is like
-boss in good mood
-finding out the lilacs where still there and being able to give them to P
-seeing how happy P was about the lilacs
-triple trampoline action
-the good feelings manifesting because I voted
-good talk (again) with North
-stolen kisses during work hours
-having a good conversation with co-worker
-the sun coming out to play
-finding out we have a very large job to start soon that will take us to the end of the season
-looking down a residential street and seeing a haze of green on the trees!
-getting together a care package
-sharing soup
-getting excited about photo exhibit
-having a dad who will publish a book of our exhibit!!

426-450

25 things that made me happy/thankful today:

-up early
-filling my i-pod with amazing instrumental music by Saskia Rao-De Haas / Shubhendra Rao and The Starefires (oh, and CBC podcasts!)
-making a menu for the week
-going shopping at St/ Lawrence Market
-SUNNY DAY!
- leaning on the bus stop post, facing the sun, eyes closed listening to Saskia's cello
-amazing vibes in the market today
-smiling at strangers
-puppies riding in cars with their heads out the windows
*edit* I was SO tired, I couldn't finish, not for lack of good things...but for double vision!  here are the rest!
- new sunglasses (and work socks!)
-actually doing my task for the day!
-being invited to Psquared for the afternoon and dinner
-gluten free beer
-kali belly rubs
-building a veggie bed
-cips, chocolate and icecream
-seeing forbidden photos...(the ones that don't make in on facebook)
-finding out getting to Psquared is a lot faster than anticipated
-sharing music
-kimchee
-expired film
-finding out that the 120 fits in my OLD kodak camera...wonder if it actually works!?
-talking to J on the phone (he's away at his dads this weekend)
-lasagna gardening
-feeling energised

401-425

it amazes me how amazingly bad one day can be, and how amazingly awesome the next is.

today I am happy/thankful for:

-beautiful sunrise
-a marriage (I didn't watch the Royal wedding, but 2 people getting married is always a nice thing to be happy about)
-remembering to be present in the face to a co-worker
-remembering to accept the feelings as they come
-remembering *it's Friday!*
-standing a foot away from a preening chickadee
-solitude to work hard
-leftovers for lunch
-interesting conversation
-can I say organic oranges AGAIN
-once again, ending the day as it starts to rain
-phone call from Jrock with invitation to see a sitar and cello concert
-being blasted though and through by the cello...I cried
-remembering that this too shall pass, and just being in the moment during the concert
-finally officially MEETING Khat after hearing all the wonderful things about her!
-chatting with Khat and Jrock before the concert
-sushi!
-brown rice green tea
-quick ride home
-getting some photo editing done
-baby at the restaurant
-sleeping boy at the concert
-dressing nice
-being able to but the CD so I can listen to the beautiful music any time
-cowboy boots

376-400

25 things that made me happy/thankful today:

-pretty sunrise
-not rushing
-shower
-multi tasking
-quick mainteneance
-short day
-seeing all the changed from last week
-hosta leaves unfuling
-strong boys
-crazy fast clouds
-sunny breaks
-warm bath
-clean pjs
-beef stirfry
-no name onion rings
-a husband who lurves me
-organic produce
-that ass isn't in spell check (ok, that niether makes me thankful or happy persay...but it makes me giggle)
-movies that make me cry
-good 'n' plentys
-it's almost the weekend
-warmer days
-the internets
-bumble bees
-stinky cheese

is it weird that a lot of my thanks goes to food??

351-375

I did *nothing* today...
but here I go!

-getting up early and going back to bed
-waking up with J (we like that)
-laying in bed letting the mind go
-rain day
-catching up on editing photos
-being really pleased with them
-getting to re live the night
-chocolate for breakfast
-having J tell me not to worry about doing anything...take it as a rain day
-making black bean porridge
-Birds singing during the breaks in rain
-House
-MORE X-files
-feeling ok about a lazy day
-feeling good about how well my *very* soiled work pants got clean with the soap berries
-chocolate for lunch
-getting excited for hooping out side
-finding communication exercise that sounds like it will work
-yoga pants all day
-cbc radio
-kd Lang
-facebook (yes, really)
-contemplating selling photographs
-reading over all my thanks
-kisses and squeezes from J


what is this?

326-350

lets have another go at 326-350!

thanks I'm thankful/happy for on the cold wet Monday!

-Sunny warm morning
-working though and accepting anxiety attack
-getting to work on time
-singing birds
-lazy moring chatting and napping in the truck
-cold corn pudding
-organic oranges
-seeing a mourning dove couple and BABY
-seeing a mourning dove couple making a nest
-cardinal couple
-robins (couple?)
-happy dog
-wheel barrowing (I like it!)
-joking with the boys
-remebering other happy moments this weekend
-mutiny!
-back handed complement
-seeing mommy
-sushi dinner
-knowing 90% that I don't work tomorrow, and that a long day today kinda makes up for it
-getting the scoop from mommy
-red bean icecream
-leftovers mean fried rice for dinner tomorrw
-the show "shit my dad says"  (so bad, so good)
-No 'poo!  I love my hair!