drama at home *edit*

well HEY!  2 posts in one day?  this time it's drama.

It's one of those -

I really shouldn't be posting this posts.

But it's that, write it out and maybe figure it out.
or wallow.

I don't feel like wallowing.

Right now it's one of those tears are falling and I didn't even consciously decide to cry moments.  And it's annoying because my keyboard is getting wet.

I would like to ask you not to take sides on this.  It just is something that happens and I don't blame anyone.

Although I always feel like I'm the one being blamed.

Heh?


exactly.

J and I have these fucked up fights over nothing except about how we are perceiving each other. 

J claims we borrowed his mothers waffle iron last time we had brunch.  I say we did not.  He decided that I always decide he's wrong on everything.  Mostly because I always believe I'm right.  So rather than saying "yes dear" and he could say "Well, regardless if we had it or not, do you want it this time"  or I could have said "Well, regardless if we had it or not, we don't need two.", *I* go crazy (this according to Jason).  I see J's face, looking at me like I'm nuts.  1, because according to him, we did have two waffle irons and I'm crazy for not remembering that, and 2, because now my voice is elevated because I see his 'my wife is fucking crazy face' and I'm getting defensive and angry that he thinks that I never believe him.
Did you follow that?

Our fights consist of-

Me feeling like J is blaming me for everything negative in out relationship.
and
J feeling like I'm a crazy person who doesn't believe him when he tells me things.


I don't understand what I sound like.  I don't understand what hurts his feelings.  I let myself get defensive and I try and explain how I'm feeling and what exactly I'm saying and it gets louder, and J seems to stop listening, so I talk louder so he'll hear me and then J leaves and I get snarky and yell something like "well fuck you, I don't even fucking give a shit!" and he takes it personally.


but fuck that right?  it's been 9.5 years.

I'm going to fly off the handle some times.  Although, I wish I knew why.  Maybe I wouldn't if I knew my triggers.  Why I'm not quite feeling up to snuff, and feeling blamed and defensive today.



He's going to hate that I posted this.  That's why I shouldn't.


So to J I say:

I posted this
1, to talk it out, I often get revelations as I type.  It didn't happen this time...
2, we're not the only people who fight like this, and maybe this will help someone, or maybe we'll get some help.
also
3, I didn't post this to make you mad or hurt you.  I didn't do this to make you into the bad guy, 'cause you aren't.  It takes two, and I hope that one day we'll 'get it' and never fight again



*edit*

it's not all bad BTW.  this is the first row we've had in a long time.  We just need the tools for when we're not in good head spaces.

oh silly Rebecca

Today was my due date with Rizo. 

Last night a watched the Temple at Burningman burn on their live video feed.  I had asked friends to write something on the temple wall for me, Rizo and J.  Regardless if they did or not, I said a little prayer and had a little cry.

Today, silly me, I watched the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting".  I was funny, so it wasn't too terrible to watch.  I'm not feeling too sad.  More hopeful as we've unofficially have started trying.  No prevention, but no charting, taking temps, worrying if it's the right day.

Back on the journy.  after a little pause.

Thanks for your support in this.  Even when you have nothing to say, and there are just hugs.