I has a sad. or my first world problems.

here comes my 1/4 life crisis.  or, a wave of depression...or you know, I was just laying in bed thinking.

I'm 32.  I don't have a job.  OK, wait.  I have a job.  Maybe.  In the spring.  But it's a job I don't want.  Partly because I'm not enjoying it any more, part because the stone work is to physically hard, and *that's* what I enjoy doing.  But I'm not going to wreck my body and injure myself.  Part because my boss went off the deep end last season and has odd expectations off me and has no patience for when I don't meet them.

I had not planned on going back in April. 

I also planned on getting pregnant so I didn't *have* to go back.  But *that* so far has been a bust.  *sigh*

I had what I thought was a great job.  I was managing a cafe.  I was organising, and getting things done, I was enjoying customer relations (something I've grown into apparently).  and one day, I got fired.  *BAM*  out of nowhere.  apparently, I was...not meeting their expectations.  Now, I know you read this in the paragraph before.  I've been beating myself up over this.  The cafe job, there was zero communication.  You say 'manager/supervisor', I do a job I think is what a 'manager/supervisor' does.  They didn't give me a job description, so I was winging it.  I'm more sad than anything over the situation.  I mean, I'm angry too, but I'm not frothing.

So, I have no job.  I can't get a gardening job over the winter.  And really, I don't want to,because I don't want to lead on a potential long term employer if I'm going to get pregnant.  Does that make *any* sense?  I guess I'm looking at other jobs that have high turn over, like Starbucks, to work.  then, I get the old brain thinking, "crappit.  I'm 32.  and I want to go work at *Starbucks!?*".  I feel ashamed because I didn't get any ducks in a line earlier.  I feel embarrassed too.  Is there something wrong with me? 

I keep thinking of my friend Sadie, who started a Hoop empire.  She's a biophysicist for heavens sake, and she followed her heart, and started hooping, something she *loves*.  I keep racking my brain.  what can I do?  what do I love?  and I get zip. 

Photography. 
I'm doing it.  I have a photo blog, I'm taking classes, I've got a book (YES!  A BOOK!) coming out, with a show attached to that...and then?  I've talked about Vivienne before.  She's another who has taken a passion and made it shine.  Do I have the chops for something like that?  In photography?  I think the best thing for me to do here is keep learning and keep walking this path.  I love it so.  But the way is not clear.

Horticulture.
I'm not sure I have the talent for it.  I'd like to keep working on it.  There was one point I wanted to do 'horticulture therapy', helping the elderly and disabled to garden more easily.  I'll keep that in mind too. 

But I guess what it comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself, and a little scared because Jason's back is not great, and I'm so scared that he won't be able to work, and there is no way we can survive on Starbucks wage.

Plan of attack

I start back to work in a week and 2 days.  This after being off for 6 months.  I have NO idea if I will ever update this blog again! 

I *do* have a plan of attack regarding my week days.  There are several things I want to be doing in the mornings, before I have to be at work at 7:30.
1.  Oil pulling.  That takes 20 minutes
2.  Drinking 3 cups of hot water to help keep my digestive system happy. 
3.  Morning pages.  I haven't started this yet...not sure how long it will take!
4. eat!  and that means *make* breakfast.
5.  yoga/exercise.  My knees and shoulders have been bugging me.  I need to strengthen them.
6.  meditate

Then I have to get dressed and go!
My plan is to make lunch the night before.

When I come home in the evening I used to just shower make dinner and slump.  that needs to change too.

I want to add tidying the living room and kitchen to my evenings so they don't get out of hand.  J had been doing the kitchen when he was off work because of his back, but I took over when he was back at school and I was off.  I might be able to convince him to take the kitchen over again (I hope I hope)  But the point is to keep things tidy so it's not such a pain on the weekends.

My time line:

5:30 am-6:30 am:
Oil pull and drink water.  while I'm doing that I do my morning pages and make breakfast. 
I eat breakfast.
6:30-6:45- meditate
6:45-7:15 - exercise

get dressed and GO.

Work 7:30-5:30(ish)

20 minutes - shower (where you wondering when I was going to bathe?  I shower after work)
One hour- make dinner
20 minutes-30 minutes- Eat.  at the table, no t.v.  (HA!  this is a challenge.  J likes to eat with the tv on.  I want to get into the habit of no tv for when we have kids)
Relax until 8 pm  some days that might be short, some days longer.
8pm-9pm tidy, make lunches, get clothes ready for next day.

Now, I have 2 days I won't be home in the evenings.  Tuesdays is a meditation night, and hooping.  I plan on alternating.  Thursdays is circus conditioning.  Both those nights I won't get home until after my bed time (9:30).  I guess I will make lunch and put out clothes in the 'relax' spot. 

I plan on starting this tomorrow.  (yes!  on a SUNDAY)  Jason get's up at 5:30 right now for clinic duty.  That means I have from 7:30-5:30 all week to get everything done I want to get done that I had *planned* on getting done in the last 6 months.  HA!  I'll take those tasks 25 minutes at a time.

SMILE!

My darling friend Sadie and her smiling exercises! 

getting fit!

I'm rather squishy. 
I'm fairly thin, just squishy!

I would like to get in a routine before baby making time so I can safely continue to exercise after I'm pregnant.  ya.   I'm running out of time!

I started this and this. 

I'm on the bottom terr for push ups.  I couldn't do ONE 'good form' push up.  I can however now do 5 knee push ups.  just finished week one.

I can, however, do squats.  I'm on the top terr for that!!  woo hoo!  but I lack stamina.  So although during the initial test I could do 40, doing 5 sets of 13-20 is hard...

I'm still hooping with Sadie.  I'm feeling pretty challenged!  I've added another challenge, in that I want to add hooping to my clown turn...what!?  oh, I have a clown character...she only has one turn ('turn' is what clowns call an act/routine).  the challenge is that I'm performing at Lunacy Cabaret on Feb. 19...buhbuhbuh!

I had planned on starting circus conditioning with Kalen...but I started a meditation night with a friend. Gotta exercise the mind too!!

On top of that, I'm doing yoga podcasts a few days a week.  Trying on Tuesdays and Thursdays, my off days for the push ups and squats, and today, I did it all! 

And I feel GREAT.  The big challenge will be to continue when I start work in the spring!  eeee!

the plan

Now that the holidays and craziness are over, I need a plan of action.  Otherwise I'd be on the Internet/knitting/reading all day.  I can't turn into a lump pudding.
My grand plan includes:

• Not getting up at 10:30am anymore.  It makes my head grainy.  So I'll be getting up at 8am.
• doing yoga EVERY MORNING, except Saturdays, thats when I work at the cafe.
• doing a cleanse.  I'm going to cut out most meats and dairy...maybe eggs?  for a couple weeks.  I have IBS, and all the rich foods/wheat during the holidays has my tummy upset.  Brown rice and veggies.  and homemade soup!  (oh, theres a good tutorial...kitchen sink soup), and *lots* of water and herbal teas.
• Study plants.  I got 100% in my plant ID class last winter...but I don't remember a single thing!!  (you remember the Latin names of 12 weeks of 13 plants a week!!)
• visiting friends.  I have a friend with a new baby, and her husband has to work.  she's got some major food restrictions, so she can't do fast foods easily.  I want to bring her food!  and just friends in general.
• Hooping and circus conditioning classes once a week.  I take my hooping class with my friend Sadie, and the circus conditioning with my friend Kalen at the Centre of Gravity.  I promised my boss I'd get in shape for this next season, and J and I will be trying for a baby this spring...I want to be in shape for that too!

and that's what I can think of now.  That along with a stitch and bitch group I'm trying to get organised, and some performances I'm doing (more later) I'll be busy.  Thank goodness, 'cause, I was starting to get bored!