crushing

I'm married, love, and am attracted to my J, and, I still get crushes.

I think the worst part about them isn't the fact I get them.  I've come to terms with being attracted to someone else.  At first it was really upsetting.  I didn't want to leave J to be with this person, but wow was he cute and crushable.  Why the heck did I feel like this??  Luckily, and though actual work, J and my relationship is great, and I have no desire to leave him.  I guess it just happens.  People aren't robots with 'crush' switches.

The worst part about my crushes is that I get possessive, and I feel hurt when my crushes crush on other people.  When they spend time with *other* friends of mine, and maybe even hook up.

I often, and not just in this type of situation, find my mind split.  This time it's split between "If *I* can't have him NO ONE CAN!  MINEMINEMINE *pout*"  and "Hey, that's a pretty good match, she's got what he wants/likes and well, he's awesome.  I hope it works!"

I think some of this stems from the fact that, until I was married (or in my other long term relationship with Pants), I ended up getting involved with most of my guy friends (the ones who didn't have girlfriends).  I've got it ingrained in my little brain.  Boys I like=Major crush=pounce.  And it's specific to boys too.  I haven't had a crush on a girl since high school.

I can see now, how people cheat long term, rather than leaving their spouse.  You have a good thing going at home, but it's a little broken (poor communication?) and this new and exciting thing is happening.  New and exciting is well, new and exciting. 

No wonder men buy fancy new cars during their mid life crisis! 

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

I has a sad. or my first world problems.

here comes my 1/4 life crisis.  or, a wave of depression...or you know, I was just laying in bed thinking.

I'm 32.  I don't have a job.  OK, wait.  I have a job.  Maybe.  In the spring.  But it's a job I don't want.  Partly because I'm not enjoying it any more, part because the stone work is to physically hard, and *that's* what I enjoy doing.  But I'm not going to wreck my body and injure myself.  Part because my boss went off the deep end last season and has odd expectations off me and has no patience for when I don't meet them.

I had not planned on going back in April. 

I also planned on getting pregnant so I didn't *have* to go back.  But *that* so far has been a bust.  *sigh*

I had what I thought was a great job.  I was managing a cafe.  I was organising, and getting things done, I was enjoying customer relations (something I've grown into apparently).  and one day, I got fired.  *BAM*  out of nowhere.  apparently, I was...not meeting their expectations.  Now, I know you read this in the paragraph before.  I've been beating myself up over this.  The cafe job, there was zero communication.  You say 'manager/supervisor', I do a job I think is what a 'manager/supervisor' does.  They didn't give me a job description, so I was winging it.  I'm more sad than anything over the situation.  I mean, I'm angry too, but I'm not frothing.

So, I have no job.  I can't get a gardening job over the winter.  And really, I don't want to,because I don't want to lead on a potential long term employer if I'm going to get pregnant.  Does that make *any* sense?  I guess I'm looking at other jobs that have high turn over, like Starbucks, to work.  then, I get the old brain thinking, "crappit.  I'm 32.  and I want to go work at *Starbucks!?*".  I feel ashamed because I didn't get any ducks in a line earlier.  I feel embarrassed too.  Is there something wrong with me? 

I keep thinking of my friend Sadie, who started a Hoop empire.  She's a biophysicist for heavens sake, and she followed her heart, and started hooping, something she *loves*.  I keep racking my brain.  what can I do?  what do I love?  and I get zip. 

Photography. 
I'm doing it.  I have a photo blog, I'm taking classes, I've got a book (YES!  A BOOK!) coming out, with a show attached to that...and then?  I've talked about Vivienne before.  She's another who has taken a passion and made it shine.  Do I have the chops for something like that?  In photography?  I think the best thing for me to do here is keep learning and keep walking this path.  I love it so.  But the way is not clear.

Horticulture.
I'm not sure I have the talent for it.  I'd like to keep working on it.  There was one point I wanted to do 'horticulture therapy', helping the elderly and disabled to garden more easily.  I'll keep that in mind too. 

But I guess what it comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself, and a little scared because Jason's back is not great, and I'm so scared that he won't be able to work, and there is no way we can survive on Starbucks wage.

grade 8 grad

So, I have a stepson.  I call him Pickle here.  he just graduated grade 8.  I met Pickle when he was 6...he is now 13.
here is a photo from when he was about 8 years old.

and now

I'm in awe and disbelief. 
He's even wearing a tie clip. 
And. 
The kicker. 
J is going to borrow PICKLES suit for an upcoming wedding.