100 happy days

I have been thinking of when I did my "today I" posts, where I mindfully went though the day and tried to find one thing I noticed with each of my senses.  It didn't have to be prolific, but just me being present in my day.  I'm not feeling sure that I have enough going on in my days for that (and as I type that I think..."um, nice excuse lady")

A friend joined a project called 100 Happy Days.  You post a photo on Facebook of a happy moment in your day, with the hashtag #100happydays (when you click on a hashtag in facebook, or Twitter you get to see all the posts likned to that hashtag.  Neat eh?)

I thought I'd jump on that bandwagon.  These past 2 months have been consumed by LeoB.  Not that that is a bad thing in the slightest, but I'm feeling the need to look outside our bubble of 2 and notice the world again.  With that in mind I added an extra challenge:  to try and find things outside of LeoB's beautiful smile and gorgeous face!  He certainly makes me happy!  But that isnt going to stretch me very far.

So, I'll be keeping a record here.

Here are my last few days:

day 1.  Cuddles in bed

day 2.  I was worried I wasn't going to have a 'happy day'.  But the sun came out and then Jason bought me flowers!

day 3.  Brunch with friends

a Start Local update

It's been a bit since I've talked about Start Local, and living local.

That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it though!

I think I've figured out what living local means to me.


First I look for product that was made in Canada.  Or really, as close to my home as possible.  Sometimes that means Ontario, and sometimes that even means Toronto.  Being in a big city means I have the luxury to get on the ttc and seek out Toronto made items.

Then I need to stick to my small independently owned stores.  My green grocers and butchers.  Rather than Lablaws or Soby's.  When I need to go to a larger store for things like toilet paper in more than 4 rolls (and eco friendly) I will go to an independently owned grocery store like No Frills.  We had a local independent large grocery store, but it close recently. 


I'm challenging myself to buy one thing a week local that I normally wouldn't.  Go to the butcher, farmers market, health food store, small pharmacy.

I live in a neighbourhood that has all that and more for me to shop local.  I don't want anymore good stores to close in my 'hood because I was being lazy!


The Start Local team has a trailer ready!  Click HERE to watch!

chipping away at my ego

Last I left you I had one interview, had been coached and had gotten my period.  And felt like crap.


I had a second interview on Sunday with the SM(see below for that these short forms mean) whose store I was being transferred to.  I practised my buzz words and jargon and BS in the shower, while making food, while tying my shoes.

I do the interview.  I kept seeing his eyes light up.  I was saying the right things.  In the right way.  And when he had a concern, he clarified.  It was brilliant.  *I* was brilliant.  Brilliant enough that in the 15 minutes it took me to get to work to start my shift, he had already spoken to my own SM to say how well it went.  She was beaming.

This was my FB status update on Sunday:

"so. apparently the other manager I interviewed with was on crack. (according my now manager, my words though, not hers) I aced this one. unless the DM thinks *I'm* on crack I've got the position. onward and upward and learning how to talk like a corporate douchebag."


Well.  I didn't even get as far as an interview with the DM.  

Yesterday, Monday, I start work at 10am.  My SM is visibly rattled.  Everyone is talking about how upsetting the DM can be.
Fast forward to 1:30, when I take my lunch.  
My SM tells me what happened.
Turns out, my first interview, the one that didn't go well, counts.   The DM has decided that my second interview, the really good one, doesn't, because I shouldn't have done it at all.  
She also said that The SM who wants to take me is just desperate and wants someone ASAP.
Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

My SM fought for me all morning.  
The DM called her a bully.  A BULLY. *sigh*

Now they are holding me back for a month so I can become more 'results oriented'.
The good thing is I get to stay at my new sore, with my awesome manager who fights for me.

My old SM did not.  That is why/how I got passed over for SS in the first place.  My old SM didn't stand up for me.

What was interesting was my reaction.  I kinda chuckled and said I didn't expect anything less.  It would have been great to have been promoted but I've been derailed so many times, maybe it just wasn't right.  Again.  

Maybe I say this just so I don't go mad, but 'things happen for a reason'.  I don't really care to know that reason.  Maybe I will save someones life.  Maybe someone will meet someone and they will have a baby and they will cure cancer.  Or, maybe I needed to make someone smile, so they can make someone smile.  Regardless.  It makes me feel better, and doesn't hurt anyone.

All this was fresh in my mind last night during Clown Jam.  We had a guest teacher who studied with Gaulier.  A master clown/performer/teacher who, in short, breaks you down to a raw nubbin.  Once there you are built back up.  It sounds harsh and terrible (and I'm sure it is!) but John explained it very well.  Better than I've heard it before.  I had a light bulb moment regarding my own clown performance.  And then we spoke about chipping away at the ego.  That raw nubbin, that is you, with no ego.  

I can take this Starbucks experience and become hardened and bitter.  Or I can allow it to make me into an egoless raw nubbin.  A smart, savvy, happy, unjaded raw nubbin.  


I *know* this isn't personal.  I know that because the DM doesn't know who I am.  Sure we've met.  But she's not my friend, or even colleague.

All I can do is take the sand blasting as a lesson.  And rise above. 


Also.  I be human.  I'm still cheesed.




DM- district manager, SM- Store manager, SS- Shift supervisor.

what does it mean?

Start Local's indigogo campaign only has a day left!!  go poke around the sites and see what's new.  there are a handful of videos that are really quite inspiring.  It was one of the sponsor videos that got me inspired to hope on board!!


So.
What does it mean to live local?

I've been musing over this for a few days. 

Regarding produce, I buy Ontario over Canada, Canada over US, and US over South America.
I'm not sure I would be able to eat much produce in the winter just buying local.

Regarding everything else?

I try to go to small independent stores first.  I live 'on the Danforth'.  For me that means going to The Big Carrot, Strictly Bulk, or one of the small produce stores first before I go to Lablaws.

And that's about it for now.  That's as far as I think.  Food. 

I buy my underwear on sale at the mall, or at big box stores. 
I buy my toothpaste at Shoppers because Tom's of Maine is less expensive there.
I buy my toilet paper at Lablaws 'cause, well, it's less expensive than the corner store, and I get the PC 'green' TP.

In a Big City, what does local even mean?

There is a health food store that Sister works at that I go to because she works there.  It is independently owned.  And as long as they treat her right, I'll go there when she doesn't work there when I am in the neighbourhood, over going to Shoppers across the street from it.

In the summer I go to the farmers market in a park near me.
And when I have Saturday mornings off I go to St. Lawrence Market.


I think my focus is going to be keeping out of Big Chain stores.  Lablaws, Shoppers, Ardene (heh...I have an Ardene addiction!), Home Depot, Starbucks (well, you know...unless I'm at work), Mac Donalds (yes, I eat Mac Donalds on occasion), Dollerama etc..  I've go a lot of navigating to do.  Like where to buy my underwear, toothpaste and toilet paper.


On the entertainment front I feel like I'm ok.  When we go to the movies, we go to a local theatre, rather than a chain.  We go see live shows our friends (or I am) in. 

I wish Toronto had more than one bowling ally!

a choice!

Today I made a choice to use a local business.

I needed to print a couple pages, and out printer isn't functioning.  So I went to Copy Cat.  I really only spent 75 cents there.  Not a huge thing.  The lady was nice (and patient.  She had 4 bratty kids in the store whose father couldn't/wouldn't control them.  They went and typed on someone elses document while he was at the desk asking a question, and pushed buttons on the printer and activated something.  She was great.  Firm, and great)  I'll go back!

I was printing some signage for Brazapalooza.  Click the link and you'll go to the event page.  Click THIS and you'll go to Braz's band page, with the album.  And a letter, from Braz, about what is going on.

J is donating an hour massage.  I'm donating 2 8X10 photos, and a 3 item package: a Li'l Scrapper, an 8X10 photo, and some photo gift cards.  My work also donated a gift bag!

I'm feeling pretty jazzed about this, with all this local talk going on.  Braz's community:  Friends from Lunacy Cabaret, his other bands; The Starfires and The Fabulous Quitters, a local coffee shop; Merchants of Green Coffee, friends and family are all coming together to help him.

THAT is why we need to live locally.  Big box stores wouldn't do this for you.  As charitable as Starbucks is (hey, my store donated to the cause!) they would never hold an event like this.

Tonight is going to be a fun night.  A celebration of life, community and art.


Only 5 days left to contribute to the Start Local movie.  Help a fellow out eh?
http://www.indiegogo.com/startlocalmovie

only a few days left to help!

I posted a bit ago about my friend Nate, and his movie Start Local.

They've got 7 more days on their fund-raising campaign, and if you could donate, that would be fab.  $5000 would be AMAZING.  But $5 is too.  They break down what the money is going to be used for on the indiegogo page (link is the different coloured words just above)


And on *that* note.  I've decided to join Ashley and Nate on their local living initiative.
We are all dipping our toes in right now.  Testing the waters, and figuring things out. 
What are the rules?!?

In the month of July, we will be living 100% local.

From now until then we'll be figuring out what exactly does 'local' mean?

Am I only allowed to watch CBC and CTV?  Listen to Toronto bands?  ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO GREW UP HERE!?  What tooth paste do I use?  or can I just buy it from my mom and pop shop?  What if I need underwear in July?  I buy that at big box store.  Are there independent retailers that sell underwear?

I don't want to 'cheat' and buy up all the things I'll need before July.

I'll be chronicling things I discover here.

And just exactly *why* am I doing this?  What inspired me?  1st is Nate's passion for what he does.  He's pretty inspiring.  But as for this project?  Supporting my community first is important.  It has been for a while, but I've never explored it.  There is a reason people like small towns, and we need to make the effort to preserve that feeling.  I live in a BIG city.  Our neighbourhoods though, are small towns. I want to support my small towns, and the people who bust their butts to do something they believe in, rather than work at big box store.  (says the girl who works at Starbucks)

So here we go.  Lets see what we see!

feelin' buggy

I'm feeling down right buggy today.  Maybe I mean wiggy.  Jittery or just plain weird.

I was going to post about how well I've been doing food wise.  About 2 weeks of no gluten.  Some grains, rice and buckwheat.  Very very little sugar.  Just some lemonade and chai latte, and a bite or two when Jason gets a choky bar.  Subing in raw honey and maple syrup.

I felt happy, and people noticed.  No one was so bold as to tell me out right, but people interacted with me differently.  It was great.  I even *liked* people.  That was huge.  I didn't think people where likeable.

Then I ate a breakfast meal at Mc Donalds, and 2 pieces of cinnamon loaf from work. 

Grump city.  Headache and fatigue.

I will never do that again. 

I have to be SO on top of my eating.  I need to make my chia pudding and chocolate slop (I have no idea how she got it so stiff!  she says she didn't use beaters!) and set aside time to bake.  I can put bot of those in mason jars!


I challenge you today.  No more gluten!  and cut back on sugar.  I bet you'll feel the wold of difference!

today I

saw:
just saw.  It's taken about a year.  I see potential photographs again.
a puppy rolling around in the snow
Sister!

Smelled:
honey garlic wings

Tasted:
Kim chi stew
no sugar!  I didn't consume any refined sugar today!

Heard:
the Korean greeting they always yell when someone arrives
Korean pop
Buskers

Touched:
Sister and her hug
my camera
the row machine and my legs burn

Felt:
happy

today I

Saw:
the snow!!  so much snow!

Smelled:
bacon

Heard:
J
C ask me to go into work

Tasted:
bacon
blood oranges

Touched (felt):
warm and cozy in my winter boots

Felt:
happy and giddy

Today I

Saw:
a flock of pigeons swarming against the blue blue sky
my green, thriving plants

Smelled:
Becky's soup
frying butter

Heared:
flocks of teeneagers

tasted:
fudge
mushrooms

Touched:
Jason

Felt:
sexy

Start Local

I have a pet project.

The making of the documentary Start Local

One of the producers/film makers just happens to be a friend.  But thats only part of why I'm supporting this project.

There are some really good reasons to support your local area.  Being in Toronto, that means shopping at the independent stores in my neighbourhood, before I hop on the TTC and head to big box stores.  And, shop in Toronto, before I hope in a car and go to Buffalo.

Nate and Ashley Live in Midland so that is where they are focusing.

But but, I'm not *from* Midland you say.  That isn't supporting Local!

To that I say, support this project and help get that word out there.  What it's like to support your area.  And maybe local is Ontario, or Canada vs. the US, or France.

Here is Nate's take on why one should support Start Local.

I happen to agree!

If you have a little extra money, please go to the indigogo page and donate.

Can't donate? Share the story.

Edit:

an article about the movie

http://www.simcoe.com/community/midland/article/1574925

today I

Saw:
Blackeyed susan seed heads
Snow squals

Smelled:
Tuna malt

Tasted:
agave chocolate

Heard:
about J's day

Touched:
cold wind

Felt:
grumpy
loved

today I

Today I

Saw:
sparrows

Heard:
music

Smelled:
spring

Tasted:
honey

Touched:
Becky (hugs!)

Felt:
Excited

today I:

Today I

Saw
a friend

Heard
good ideas

Smelled
double bergamot

Tasted
a forbidden cookie

Touched
cold air

Felt
excited to perform

Today I

Saw
My heart on a moniter*

Heard
my boots squeek on the cold cold snow

Smelled
the vanilla cardamom topping

Tasted
a delicious slice on candied vanilla clementine

'Touched'
and warmed (after I rejected!) J's cold hands

Felt
loved
and cared for after a friend touched base.





*I was having my heart ultra sounded...I've been having palpitations, I'll keep you updated...but so far no one thinks it's serious

Today I:

It's been a while since I did Today I:

I've been wanting to try it again.  I've been grumpy, and complaining a lot.  I want to be mindful of that, and really, stop complaining.  It's not cool. 

The premise is, I notice that I notice.

I try to remember that I was mindful about at least one of each of my senses; smell, touch, taste, sound, sight and emotion.

so, Today I:
Saw the stars
Thoroughly enjoyed the forbidden bit of chocolate cinnamon loaf (2 birds, one stone!  taste and emotion...mmmm food)
Made an effort to physically encourage a co-worker (rub/pat on the back.  Poor Ben is sick)
Listened to people sing along to the music at Vale Village.
Smelled the cold air, and the 'out side' smell once I was in side.

drama at home *edit*

well HEY!  2 posts in one day?  this time it's drama.

It's one of those -

I really shouldn't be posting this posts.

But it's that, write it out and maybe figure it out.
or wallow.

I don't feel like wallowing.

Right now it's one of those tears are falling and I didn't even consciously decide to cry moments.  And it's annoying because my keyboard is getting wet.

I would like to ask you not to take sides on this.  It just is something that happens and I don't blame anyone.

Although I always feel like I'm the one being blamed.

Heh?


exactly.

J and I have these fucked up fights over nothing except about how we are perceiving each other. 

J claims we borrowed his mothers waffle iron last time we had brunch.  I say we did not.  He decided that I always decide he's wrong on everything.  Mostly because I always believe I'm right.  So rather than saying "yes dear" and he could say "Well, regardless if we had it or not, do you want it this time"  or I could have said "Well, regardless if we had it or not, we don't need two.", *I* go crazy (this according to Jason).  I see J's face, looking at me like I'm nuts.  1, because according to him, we did have two waffle irons and I'm crazy for not remembering that, and 2, because now my voice is elevated because I see his 'my wife is fucking crazy face' and I'm getting defensive and angry that he thinks that I never believe him.
Did you follow that?

Our fights consist of-

Me feeling like J is blaming me for everything negative in out relationship.
and
J feeling like I'm a crazy person who doesn't believe him when he tells me things.


I don't understand what I sound like.  I don't understand what hurts his feelings.  I let myself get defensive and I try and explain how I'm feeling and what exactly I'm saying and it gets louder, and J seems to stop listening, so I talk louder so he'll hear me and then J leaves and I get snarky and yell something like "well fuck you, I don't even fucking give a shit!" and he takes it personally.


but fuck that right?  it's been 9.5 years.

I'm going to fly off the handle some times.  Although, I wish I knew why.  Maybe I wouldn't if I knew my triggers.  Why I'm not quite feeling up to snuff, and feeling blamed and defensive today.



He's going to hate that I posted this.  That's why I shouldn't.


So to J I say:

I posted this
1, to talk it out, I often get revelations as I type.  It didn't happen this time...
2, we're not the only people who fight like this, and maybe this will help someone, or maybe we'll get some help.
also
3, I didn't post this to make you mad or hurt you.  I didn't do this to make you into the bad guy, 'cause you aren't.  It takes two, and I hope that one day we'll 'get it' and never fight again



*edit*

it's not all bad BTW.  this is the first row we've had in a long time.  We just need the tools for when we're not in good head spaces.

St. Patrick's Day

I don't like St. Patrick's day.  Actually, I don't agree with it, or I don't agree with what it has become. 

I'm assuming (because I'm not going to bother researching because I'm a lazy bum remember?) that it was/is a Catholic thing.  So why do we all 'celebrate' this holiday?  WITH GETTING FALLING DOWN DRUNK?

I don't drink.
I don't judge you for drinking, even for getting drunk.  I don't understand *why*, but I'm not judging.


Back to St. Patrick's day.  Fine, you gunna go get hammered?  Why are you using this 'holiday' to excuse it?


I guess we generally feel we need a reason to have fun (if you call feeling sick the next day fun...).  From "I had a bad day, give me chocolate" to "hey!  it's a random day with a St.'s name attached to it!  let's get hammered"

*...processing...*

I think I just became enlightened!  In Pema Chodron's "living with uncertainty" she talks a bit about pleasure, and avoiding seeking it out.  I never really understood that.  What is wrong with having chocolate ice cream, or even a beer?  I *think* it's not so much the chocolate or beer, or even getting drunk that is the 'problem', but the seeking out an escape, or pleasure.  It's the *looking* that's the 'problem'.  If we are looking for something different, we aren't living and accepting now.

"I want chocolate, it will make me happy"  is different from "sure, I'll have a piece of chocolate since you offered, mmmmm it's good"

I've 'given up' drinking because I don't feel I need it.  I tell people that I can act like a fool with out it.  And who wants to be sick the next day anyway?  ON PURPOSE even.

So, think about that.  I promise promise promise I don't look down upon you for drinking any more than I look down upon the people I serve coffee to everyday.  I'm no exception.  I have my 'vices', I'm not better than you.


*edit*

I'm feeling rather strange about all this though.  I think I'm scared I'm going to offend people for telling them not to seek out pleasure.  I'm not sure I can articulate exactly what I mean. 

Feeling good  isn't bad.
 ...

I've been working on not seeing *anything* as bad or good.  Things just are. 
If you *are* feeling offended by what I said, maybe (I'm going to do it again I think...) maybe there is a reason you feel offended?

By you reading this doesn't mean I think you need to think this along with me.  It doesn't mean I think I'm right.  But just that it feels right to me.


have I stuck my foot way up there? 


I hope you understand. 

saying goodbye

Yesterday Jason and I went down to Todmorden Mills and said goodbye to Rizo.  Jason had got some tobacco, and we made up two packets of sacred herbs for an offering to the creator.   We found a good old tree, tucked the packets away, lit some sweetgrass and J said a few words.  Asking the creator to take care of Rizo's spirit, and to bless us with future children.  It was a wonderful way to let go, and have our thoughts be carried to the creator.

tai chi and the art of letting go to be powerful

I've started taking tai chi.  My mom took it at the community centre when I was younger.  and I took a couple classes around 16 or so.  I had been available Tuesday and Thursday mornings when the classes at the Y where on, so I went for it. 

I told my instructors I am pregnant, and they where both kinda bemused as to why I was telling them.  I think mostly because tai chi is so low impact they didn't see why it would matter.  I didn't think it would really, but I just wanted to be sure.  There seems to be some energy work, and I didn't want to work the wrong energy.

It turns out, tai chi is going to be SO GOOD.  I'm learning to balance my pelvis better.  I'm learning to breath.  first step, breath with your movements.  Second step, have your breath move you!  once you know the moves (for example, in out warm up sequence) you can move your hands with your breath, rather than move your hand with your intent.  (is that too weird?  does that make any sense to anyone *not* taking tai chi?)  I talk a lot about mindfulness.  This is a way to be mindful and right now.  It's easy to get caught up in thinking when doing a movement, but when you can allow your breath to take over you can really feel.  I have a feeling I'm going to be doing several types of tai chi walking while in labour.

We also talked about yin and yang.  Yin is soft,Yang is hard. Yin is stillness,Yang is movement. The sun is yang, the moon is yin. Female is Yin, Man is Yang. Yin is Intuitive,Yang is Logical. YET, you absolutely can not have one with out the other.  There is always a flow.  Like the breath.  You (I hope) never stop breathing.  You don't stop at the top of your breath, you just breath out.  The instructor was saying that Yin is impermanence, and Yang is permanence.  Weak and strong.  but what happens to a tree when it stays 'strong', hard, 'manly'?  it breaks, the types of trees that survive longer are the ones that flow, and bend and submit.  I was thinking about labour, and how the force of labour is like Yang, hard, movement, sort of seeming permanent, in the strength of it (does that make *any* sense?), but I need to allow myself to be Yin, I need to be soft, still and intuitive...female, and know that it's not permanent.  Power is not always the hard moving, brightly shining logical man.  Isn't there truth in "behind every great man is a great woman"?  lol.  wait...how did this become about feminism?!  ha ha.

anywhozzles.  I'm really excited to continue with the tai chi. 
I'm the youngest there by oh...30 years or so.  I'll have a lot of excited Tai Chi ladies rooting me on once I begin to show!  I also wonder about wearing Rizo once he/she is born to tai chi...