weaning

Bunny is 2 years and 9 months (on the 25th).  We're breastfeeding morning, noon and night, or, when we wake up, nurse to sleep for nap, and nurse before lights out, not to sleep at bedtime.
My first breastfeeding goal was at the very least a year, then at least 2 years.  I felt happy with 2 because World Health Organization suggests 2 years and beyond is beneficial.  There unfortunately is little to no information about breastfeeding past 2 years. (and no, Breastfeeding at night does NOT cause cavities, food left in the mouth causes cavities).
So we've surpassed that goal by 9 months.  No one was ready on his second birthday.  I've been slowly feeling ready to wean.  I'm just done.  I feel a bit resentful and physically uncomfortable.  I knew I also needed to take Bunny's feelings into consideration.  It's all he's known.  Thankfully Dada has taken over at least 2 naps/week, and w few nights too.  So we know Bunny can sleep with out me. 
So recently I've been thinking on how the heck I can do this as gently as possible.  La Leche League suggests an approach of "don't offer, don't refuse.".  Other advice I've heard is to start a strict schedule if you have been nursing on demand (Like I had been).  So I combined the 2!  I've started a don't offer, don't refuse, during morning noon and night, and refusing all other times.  Ie."it's not mommy milk time right now.  It's not nap/bed time" and not offering at nap and bed and waiting for him to ask.  I have added one caveat, and that is if he gets really sick or hurt. My antibodies, quick nutrition, and breastmilk can also act as a mild analgesic, not to mention comfort. 
We're going slow and gentle to keep my hormones as stable as possible. 
I haven't nursed in 14 hours.  My breasts hurt!  I'm feeling a little sad, but mostly relieved.

New career

I just signed up for a postpartum doula course with Doula Training Canada!

Before I gave birth I was considering being a birth doula.  Well, at the moment, I don't have to constitution for it.  The intensity, the blood, the really odd not consistent hours, the blood.  Did I mention the possibility of blood?  I can talk about, and deal with my own.  I'm terrified for the day Bunny gets a gash.  But talk about or show me blood.  nerp.  So that was out.  Maybe one day I might feel passionate enough about it to try.  But I doubt it.
So with my own postpartum I found out there where women who helped families postpartum.  Educated them, helped with baby care, help with household care, helped with spouse and sibling integration, and 'mothered the mother' as they say. 

Doula Canada also has a birth educator course, and for months now I've been trying to decide what to do first.  I went with Postpartum Doula because.  I don't know.  I just did.  I want to do both, and I will. 

So, are you having a baby in 2017??  give me a ping!  I can help.  I'll need hours helping families.

no yelling - anticipation

A mixed bag so far.  Almost 3 weeks in.  Half yelling, half not.  And a whole week no yelling!  wot!?  Anger yes.  Rage whispering yes.  But no screaming. 

So I find myself being most angry when I haven't anticipated that he'll have a melt down. 
Or when I'm in pain.  I have absolutely no patience when I have a headache or joint pain or feel queasy.

I have a mild migraine right now, so I'll sign off.  I have more to talk about, but wanted to do a quick update.

and back to 0

No yelling update. Back to 0. Got through day one, but had (unrelated?) nightmares and woke up grumpy and had a hard, hard time. Janet Lansbury re-posted an article on her Facebook page about staying unruffled. Unruffled will be my new word. Water off a ducks back. Easier said than done. I'm also finding yelling isn't my only problem.  I guess anger is my problem.  I don't always yell, but sometime don't act very nicely. And that's why I;m doing this challenge.  To become more mindful. 

Orange Rhino Challenge (ie. no yelling)

I've been finding myself yelling, shouting and sometimes even screaming at Bunny for no good reason at all (good reasons include: Safety, and, um, safety). 
I want to stop. 
I decided a week or so ago to try the Orange Rhino Challenge.  TORC was started by a mom, with no official background in child education or psychology.  She just knew she wanted, or needed, to stop yelling.
First I spent the time before Sept. 1 thinking about when I yelled, and why.  What are my triggers?  What makes me steamy?
For me it's not making messes, being loud or displaying emotion.  It's being defiant. 
"DUDE!  JUST DO WHAT I'M ASKING!" is the typical thing that comes out. 

So my end goal is 365 days not yelling.  That's really just a visual.  Something to track.  My real goal is to be conscious.  Conscious of my emotions and how I express them. 

When I yell, I go to day 0 again.

I'm still thinking about exactly what my barometer will be.  TOR (The Orange Rhino, she decided to stay anonymous) has a Yelling Meter and her own set of rules.  I'll need to figure out exactly what my rules are.

So far today has been good.  Came close a few times.  Somewhere between a 3 and 4.  I'm also in a good mood, so that helps.  Give me a few weeks when my cycle changes *ahem*.  My diet also effects how I feel.  Wheat makes me angry.  Too much sugar makes my joints hurt, and I feel grumpy.  I need to make sure I sleep.  I'm also tracking how often I do yoga.  Aiming for 28 days morning and night.

I'm going to try to set up a tracker here to keep accountable!

Words

Now that Bunny is talking like a maniac, trying to put sentences together, I'm more careful than ever about the way I use words.
And I'm going to set one thing straight.  I swear in front of him.  I don't name call, but, well, I have a potty mouth.  I've curbed it some, but when I'm mad a 'fuck' and 'shit' come out.  and that's ok.  But that's not what I'm talking about here. 
I'm talking about being intentional about how I phrase things. 
I say fire fighter, mail carrier, police officer, garbage collector, backhoe operator, *whatever* worker/driver/person over ending all of those with 'man'.  Sure, most of them are men, but I'm trying to be inclusive.
I try to narrate what he's doing, rather than over praising.  "wow!  you got to the top!!  Look at that!".  "Are you cleaning the table?  That is a kind thing to do.",  rather than so many "GOOD JOB!"s. 
I'm careful with how I say 'no' and 'stop'.  Reversing it if you will.  "slow feet", "soft voice", "gentle hands".  Although stop and no come out a lot.
The intentional speech that made me think about writing this is using the word thoughtful.  Mostly in the place of helpful.  Because, lets be real.  2.5 year olds are not often actually helpful.  He does try though.  I want to make it clear that I notice, and make it clear when he really *is* being helpful.  Because there are a few tasks he does that is helpful.  Putting laundry in, or out of, the dryer.  Wiping up pee accidents.  Opening doors. 
I also use the word kind.  I don't tell him he is kind (even though he is).  I tell him he is being kind.  That what he is doing is a kind action.  I also say the opposite.  Than an action is unkind.
Any thing you are intentional about saying?

New things to come?

So I may have spoken too soon about starting up again!
We just got J's new schedule. 
He is guaranteed 8 shifts/month (yes...you read that right, per month.  that is our budget)
He generally is given a few more to cover peoples days off. 
July he has 23 days scheduled.  Almost 3 times as many.  No weekends off.  His one scheduled day off is Thursday, where he works at the massage clinic.  Across town.  So, 27 days.  He has Mondays off. 
The kicker?  I started a part time job.  He watches Lionel while I work.  I come home 5 minutes before he leaves for work. 

Any tips for avoiding burn out!?

So.  I may not be here much.  I'll be needing this down time for making sure the household is running smoothly.  And, well, maybe napping.

a rejig

Lionel's Granny did a 'past life card reading' for me this weekend.  Like tarot cards, except dealing with how my past lives are effecting me now.  I don't know how much I really believe in stuff like that, but if one keeps their mind open, it can get the gears turning. 
The cards told me I had been killed in a war or battle in a past life.  I died fighting. (and therefor have a temper in this life...ahem)
The next card, pertaining to why I asked the question, said that I was a writer (in past life), and encouraged me to write if I wanted to.  (and here I am).  There was something about helping the underdog in there too.
The middle card was prison.  Pertaining to the right now, in regards to my question.  And indeed.  I AM feeling trapped.
The last card was priestess. The last card is representing how a past life can help my immediate future, or to help a future life.  Again, the guide book talked about helping the underdog.
(there was way more explained in the guidebook, but I forget)

So, what was my question?  "will we have another baby?"

I don't feel like 'the cards' answered that question.  But they did answer the question I've been asking myself for a while.  Should I pursue becoming a birth educator and postpartum doula?

I think the answer is a resounding yes.

If I start to write about that I'll likely start a new blog, and keep this one personal.
For now, I'd like to make myself a schedule of regular posts. 
I've stopped napping with Lionel, so on day's I'm not working, I'm planning on writing during nap.

a Christmas rant: or why I gave myself permission to bail

Feeling drained. So are J and Bunny. The reason we did Christmas with J's mom yesterday and today, rather than with the whole extended family on the 25th, was that I knew it would be too much for us let alone Bunny.  We traveled about 2 hours on transit (bus, subway subway bus, then car) to Richmond Hill.  With all our gear (2ce as much on our way home what with presents and leftovers) and a toddler.  The problem:  She doesn't get it.  I don't know if she thinks its character building to 'suffer', or if she's forgotten what it's like to have a toddler.  Or if she's never taken transit with a baby/toddler AND 5 large bags.  She doesn't trust J enough to believe him when he tells her why we aren't going for Christmas day, or how hard it is to travel. 
I was going to go on.  But I could go on for a billion years.  And laying blame doesn't help set my mind at ease. 
I guess my point was:  I gave myself permission to back out of family events this year.  Or change plans if I need to.  The (mental and physical) health of my child (and me!) is more important.  3 days in a row crammed full of people that he rarely has met (and I see one-3 xs/year) is not worth, frankly, the aggravation. For all involved. 
Maybe we need to make more time to visit with our so called loved ones more often and dispense with these (more often than not) awful obligations.  No wonder Jason and I (and many more people) get Chrismasitis! 
I do think that a certain amount of giving is important from all involved in a family.  And by giving I don't mean gifts.  Hang the gifts.  And by hang, I mean something ruder.  I don't need (or want 3) bars of mint chocolate (I'll regret saying that late when I'm prowling the house and ending up mixing melted chocolate chips with peanut butter) 
wait...back to my point. Giving; us spending 2 hours on transit, MIL hosting and providing dinner, the teenager sucking it up and ending basement hibernation for a few hours of time with family. 
In the end though.  If I'm being insulted, if my gestures of kindness are being thrown back in my face, if my child is being humiliated (The look on his face.  He was so confused!  at almost 2.  He understood something wasn't quite right), my spouse is being disrespected, I'm done giving. 
When it stops being joyful, it needs to just stop.

a couple slow cooker recipes

How very exciting.  My first real post since April, and it's recipes for the slow cooker. 
I don't even have snazzy photos. 
*shrug*
This is actually for me for when I forget what I'm doing.
both of these are great on the stove too.

Mild chicken curry

1 tbsp fat
1 onion, sliced
4 tbsp curry power/paste*
1 small/med butternut squash (or your choice!!), diced
1 large potato, diced
1 large tomato, diced
4 chicken breasts (or meat of choice), diced (sub in chickpeas if you want a hearty veg option)
1 cup red lentils
2 cups chicken stock
1 cup coconut milk
1 bunch of spinach, chopped

Saute onions until light brown, add curry powder, cook until fragrant
Chuck onions, squash, potato, tomato, chicken and lentils into slow cooker.  Toss. Add chicken stock
Either put it in the fridge, or cook now.
I think I cooked it for 6 hours first on high, then on low for 2-3 hours.  I have no doubt it was done before then.
Add spinach and stir to wilt.  Add coconut milk, stir.  Serve over rice

*I make my own curry powder.
1tbsp each whole coriander, cumin, cardamom, fennel. ground up, sieve to remove the shells.
1/2 tbsp fenugreek
3 tbsp turmeric
Stir it all up!


Sausage and bean stew
(thanks to Mrs. MacDonald for serving a version of this to us on Halloween)






4-6 sausage, sliced
1 onion, diced
1 tbsp fat
1tbsp flour
1 zucchini, diced
1 celery stick, diced
1 red pepper, diced
1 can beans of choice, drained
1 can diced tomatos

Saute onion in fat until light brown, add flour and cook a few minutes.
toss everything else in slow cooker.
cook on high for 2 hours, and low for however long it takes to be done.
serve over rice or pasta or spaghetti squash!

having a toddler means

he won't let you on the computer anymore, and once he's in bed, all I want to do is veg!

check out Scooter's instagram page.
and mine.

Maybe I'll get an update soon!!

for now there is Game of Thrones to watch!

just a few pictures from the weekend

Happy Valentine's Day

Just a moment

{this moment} ~ A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. 

long, over due.

It's Boxing day.  I can't sleep.  Bunny is going to get up in 3-4 hours.  I've slept 4.

Let's do an update.  Lionel is now 11 month old.  Last update was 8 months!  We've got some catching up to do!!

October:

I did NOT enjoy 8 moths old!  immobile, curious, teething.  I called Bunny a crankenstien and a wiener multiple times on facebook!
Nursing became more of an exhibitionist sport.  Bunny is very distractable.  Luckily he doesn't stay latched on!  No elastiboob for me!
We moved up to the extra large diaper covers for night time double diapers.  32+Lbs.  the large size go to 36Lbs.  In Oct. he was 30+Lbs
Bunny was sort of trying to be more mobile.  He could push himself backwards while on his tummy, but he always got caught on table and hair legs and would get really annoyed!
Bunny started consistently signing "milk"  or "mommy milk" as we call it.
He started biting me.  Not just while nursing.  I suspected it was because he was bored.
I started trying to get Bunny *back* to sleep without nursing.  Had some success mid October.
Bunny started noticing when Dada leaves.  He's whimper some when he goes out.  this escalated into when ever Anyone leaves.  Funny guy.  People are impermanent.  He never cried for long, but he certainly noticed!!
By the end of October I had emptied our bin of clothes given us!  He is in 18-24 month clothes. 

November:

Sleeping is weird.  There are some nights he wont let me unlatch, even though he is sound asleep.  What a pain in my hip.
Bunny started using the sigh for 'milk' for everything.  We sign 'milk', 'all done', 'more', 'eat'.  I can see on his face he knows there is a 'right' thing to do, then I can almost see a mental shrug when he does 'milk' with both hands for 'all done'.
I am embarrassed to say I hit my breaking point with the nipple biting and I yelled very forcefully at Bunny.  As sad as it made me too loose it, he stopped biting. 
We both got really sick in November.  First with a bad head cold that knocked us right out, then a few weeks later we got the flu.  We where at Oma's for the majority of the bad cold, so that was nice to have someone take care of me!  (like only a mommy can)
Bunny started playing peek-a-boo at Oma's.  SO fun!
We went for a visit to Presquile and Grandpa Tai and Nana.

December:

Lionel had been a bit of a grump.  Turns out it was a brain growth spurt.  He started mimicing facial expressions.  He closes his eyes and opens his mouth (like when I smile big or laugh at him) and he sticks his tongue out when we do.
His mobility has been very slowly improving.  By early December Bunny was doing an unconscious bum scoot.  He had no intention with it, but he got around.  If I put a toy out of reach he got upset, not realizing he could get there.
Clapping!!  so adorable when he claps!
Bunny figured out he can pull my shirt down and fish around for his own mommy milk.  Lovely.
Lionel started to more clearly sign 'more' and 'all done'.  'More' looks like clapping, and 'all done' looks like 'milk' with both hands, but he's getting there!
Lionel stared saying dada in association with Dada, and now he says "tickle tickle", or rather "tchcka tchcka" and tickles his own ribs.  His peek-a-boo has improved significantly!
Jason had got some coffee in a big tin.  when that was done he cleaned it out and gave it to Lionel for a drum.  He LOVES it.

We weighed him yesterday and he's 34 Lbs.  He was 32 a my moms the second week in November, so he's only gained a half a pound a week now.  I'm thankful for that!
Turns out this Bunny is afraid of cats!  We where at Mink's house and he cried every time he saw them.  And then at MILs house, she had a ceramic cat, and he pointed at it and cried!

Bunny hates to stand.  Hate hate hates it.  He'll walk eventually!
He loves music and as soon as he hears it he starts to dance.
He hit's himself in the head, or bonks his head on objects gently.  Learning where his body ends I suppose.
He's started putting things in things.  We got a shape sorter and I'm excited to teach him that.
His mobility now has intention.  He's doing a one legged crawl/bum scoot.  We'll be baby proofing when we get back from Oma's!!

We need to get rid of the exersaucer.  I think it's delayed his development some.  I'm not concerned, and we'll miss having it around for sure.  We need a rocking horse or something.

I'm still wearing him, and I owe a post about babywearing!  I took a babywearing educators course and am excited about passing on info!


So far the holidays have been pain free!  one more, and it's my mom's family.  We've never had drama.  I think this has been the easiest Christmas ever.  We haven't got too much stuff.  Im thankful for that.  Photo post up next!

still here

We're still here.  All is good.  Maybe I can get things running in the new year. 

Hope your holidays are good!

just a moment

{this moment} ~ A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

gearing up for a change

I'm getting ready to make a change in my diet again.

I've recently figured out a few things, and they need to get better.  I hope food can be my medicine.

1. I can remineralize my teeth.  I cannot afford a dentist, but I can afford to make my own tooth paste, take specific supplements and eat the proper foods.  I know I have cavities, and I've read a few articles/blog posts saying they can be healed (x-rays-cavities, remineralize, 6 months later, no cavities)  That sounds so woowoo writing it down!  But I just can't afford to get drilled!

2. My hormones are messed.  I knew this before getting pregnant.  I guess they where on track enough TOO get pregnant, so that's good.  But I've started feeling yucky again.  Anxiety, PMS, mood swings.  No period yet, but it's coming.

3.  My platelets are low again.  Not dangerous, but I'm bruising.  Pregnancy stabilized them.  ITP is an auto immune disorder.  I need to think about an autoimmune diet.

4.  IBS!  that too was settled while pregnant.  I'm cheesed that all the good stuff just didn't stay.  Anti inflammatory feeds please.

5. I just feel cruddy.  Fatigued, foggy brain, sore joints.


The first thing I'm going to look at is autoimmune diet.  It's been a long time since my body has been attacking itself.  I found an online seminar that is actually geared towards weight loss for women, but the description spoke about auto immune, anti inflammatory stuff so I thought I'd check it out.  I have some good resources from them.  It's mostly paleo.  I've done 'the paleo diet' before for about a month.  it's HARD, but I did feel pretty great.  I'll need J's help so I can do a lot more food prep. 

I'm planning on starting with no gluten (I should be staying away from wheat anyway as it bothers me), no added sugar and no cow dairy.  For this part of the transition I'm going to allow myself goat cheese and yogurt. 
Soon I'd like to start full paleo for breakfast and lunch, and 'just' good healthy whole foods for dinner.

I'm also not sure I should be going full out paleo/autoimmune while I'm still breastfeeding Bunny almost full time.  He's still getting 90% of his nutrition from me, and I don't want to detox too hard while that's happening.  I think that even if the toxins don't go into my breast milk, it will be hard on me to do that filtering.
So, baby steps. 
I need to make some sort of chart and see if all these special diets even can work together!

But I think for now, no gluten, no added sugar, low dairy, way more vegetables will help.

just a moment

{this moment} ~ A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week