The Central Question of a warriors training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day? For those of us with a hunger to know the truth, painful emotions are like flags going up to say, "you're stuck!" We regard disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, jealousy, and fear as moments that show us we are holding back, how we're shutting down. Such uncomfortable feelings are messages that tell us to perk up and lean into a situation when we'd rather cave in and back away.
When the flag goes up, we have an opportunity: we can stay with our painful emotion in stead of spinning out (of control??). Staying is how we get the hang of catching ourselves when we're about to let resentment harden into blame, righteousness , or alienation. (wow) It's also how we keep from smoothing things over by talking ourselves into a sense of relief and inspiration. This is easier said than done.
Ordinarily we are swept away by habitual momentum. We don't interrupt out patterns even slightly. With practice, however, we learn to stay with a broken heart, with a nameless fear, with the desire for revenge. Sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears. We can bring ourselves back to the spiritual path countless times everyday simply by exercising our willingness to rest in the uncertainty of the present moment--over and over again.
This might not be where you are right now. This may not speak to you as it did me. That is fine. It's all fine! I feel SO amazing today. (and I'm attempting to rest in that! ) I also recently wrote about leaning into ____. I think I'm starting to understand what 'leaning into ____" means. It's about accepting. I find it hard to accept. I find myself thinking if I accept it I have to like it. That's not the case.
One thing I had a little 'enlightenment' about yesterday was the word 'responsible'. I don't know about the roots of the word...but to be *truly* be responsible, you need to be able to respond. In order to be able to respond, you need to accept whet is happening. Did you ever play with guck when you where little? all it was was corn starch and water in the right proportions. When you hit it, it was like a solid, and when you where gentle, it was a liquid. That's what came to mind when we where talking about that. Punch it, push it away, get mad, it's solid, and isn't going anywhere, but be gentle and let it surround you, and it isn't hard. You can pass right through.
So, to be responsible, you need to be response able, able to respond. You can't respond when you are pushing away your 'problem', fighting it. Everything changes, everything ends.
So, I'm trying to remember to accept what ever it is I want to fight, so I am response able. Sisu and I where going to go rant in the park shouting back and forth "response!" "ABLE!". We didn't...but we should have!