menu

Monday: meat loaf and salad
Tuesday: meat loaf and salad
Wednesday: pork chops with mushroom sauce and cauliflower
Thursday: Christmas dinner with my family
Friday, Saturday: Christmas at MILs
Sunday: Leftovers

this isn't nice to say, but I gotta get it out

I thought I was pregnant.  All the symptoms, odd achy uterus, tired, peeing a lot, sore boobs.

Just got my period. 

I'm disappointed, but not devistaed.


But what really gets my goat, is that people get pregnant by accident.  That really cheeses me off.  I mean, I have two old friends that this happened to.  Part of me is stomping my feet and clenching my fists and yelling *it's not fair!  you didn't even want this!* 

(and to be fair to both of them, from what I see, they are both super fabulous moms and are thrilled with their kids)

After my miscarriage we had to wait 6 months.  It seemed like an eternity.  We're not getting any younger.  I'm scared to go past 35.  I'm only 33 now, but in about 6 months I'll be 34, and I want 2 kids.  you do the math.

*sigh*

We are going to start saving as much as we can right now for adoption.  I don't want to go though fertility treatments.  hormone injections and all that jazz.  I'd rather just adopt.  We've got enough adoption around us that it's not an odd concept at all. 
I know it seems a little early and pessimistic, but truly, I'd want to get the ball rolling in 2015 if we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  Even national adoption isn't inexpensive.

And Hey!  If we get pregnant, we have an early start on college fund!


So I guess what I'm saying it that people who don't want to get pregnant really need to start using protection, yer stealin' all the babies from the people who are *trying* to have one!  (yes, I'm kidding!!)

Keep sending all the baby love my way.  I'm not worried, just, every month is such a disappointment.  My spirit falls a little.

Time to get healthy.  That can't hurt right? 

(I wish J would stop smoking too)

I figured it out! and a giftmas rant

I had been wanting to keeps a regular schedule here.  I figured out why I haven't been.
We're sharing this computer, and not just as a computer, but as our tv too.  So when J is home (or awake), I don't like to sit here and type away.

I'll keep at it, and post when I can.

I don't have a planned menu, and I didn't troll the internet much this week.

I Am working on Christmas presents. 

Last night I made home made Lip blam.  I'll post a tutorial soon!

I'm making pajamas, out of sheets!

I'm making packs of 3 greeting cards for my extended family.

Coasters.  and I potted some plants.

We're not buying anything this year.  I *had* vowed not to buy any materials either, but that didn't happen.  I have spent (much) less than $100 though.


My Assistant Store Manager's family has a rule for Christmas presents.  No cash, gift cards or anything homemade.  I kinda get the cash thing.  But eventually you run out of *stuff* to buy, and everyone end up with junk they don't need.  MIL is like that.  I get a big gift bag of stuff.  99% of it I don't need, or even want.

I totally understand the want to give.  That is why I make things.  I can't afford to buy.  And I *would* if I had the money.  I'd be going to local stores, and local craft shows, and buying things that are fun, and that I know people will like.  My favorite story to tell about last years haul, was my 9 bars of soap.  And the fact that that's all I remember about it...it makes me sad.

last week and this week

This weeks menu:

Monday was steak and salad
Tuesday:  Squash soup
Wednesday: Fish and chips
Thursday: Pork roast with Broccoli
Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be 'scrounging'  J is away with Pickle, and when J is away I eat whatever!  Leftovers, kitchen sink soup, chicken liver and beets.

And now for the stuff I caught in the 'net last week and didn't throw back:

Some people assume that because I like being on stage I'm an extrovert.   I'm not.  I call myself an introverted Leo.  "look at me!"  but don't talk to me.  I'm busy, being alone.

oh, Hi Wednesday!

I meant to post our menu Sunday...
But it's easy enough.

Chili

/menu


I made a HUGE pot, so that's all we're eating.
Yummy lamb chili.  Ground lamb was on sale, so that's what I got.

Cheep and cheerful.


Last week I saw some fun things on the internets that tickled me:

Some gender bending. 

“I understand signifiers. We’re social creatures and we have a physical language of communicating with each other,” she says. “But it would be a really beautiful thing if we could all just wear what we wanted, without it meaning something.”

 

Awesome (celebrity) parenting.  An aside, isn't Willow just the spitting image of Will?  <3

things i liked last week

I liked these things I saw last week.  maybe you saw them too, maybe you showed them to me!  but maybe, these things will make your week a little better too!

Best PSA evar.  (this was stuck in my head until I finally fell asleep last night!)

Best socks evar!  one day I will learn how to make a pattern and knit fun things from my head.

I love me some good photography.  it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  These are some incredible portraits.

this weeks menu

hey!  look at what I'm planning on making this week.  Maybe J will see this and not have to ask!! 
(for some reason it *really* bugs me when J asks 'Whats for dinner?'  not sure why...any ideas?)


Monday:  Raosted pork loin and cauliflower with mushroom gravy and salad
Tuesday:  Chicken curry
Wednesday:  Chicken stew pie  Except *this* time I'm going to use the mushroom gravy instead of canned soup
Thursday:  Leftovers.  My poor manager was at work for like 13 hours and was struggling to fill all the shifts Thursday, so I volunteered to close, so that means I'll be working 2 jobs that day. 
Friday:  More leftovers?  I'm going to be rehearsing for Lunacy.  I'm a Lunacy dancer!
I'm going to have to figure something out for the weekend.  J is with Pickle for his birthday (and I'm a bad step-mom...I wasn't paying attention to the dates, so I won't be celebrating Pickles 15th!)


Interested in any of those recipes?  All of it is home made!

the gay thing

So. 
right.

I have a rant.


WHY THE BLOOMING ROSES does it matter if someone is gay?

(one could sub in different colour skin, religion, lipstick choice, but today it's gay)

One of my co-workers DC* is 23 and lives with his boyfriend, and is in the closet to his family.
Sister was worried about telling me and sent me an e-mail.  (still cheesed about that Sister!)

I guess it's a testament to my Mom, and the way she raised us that I don't give a rats ass if you are gay, or bi, or hetro or trans or girly or vanilla or kinky or a 'breeder' or not a 'breeder'.  I like to know about you, but if you left our conversation at your new shoes and the fab dinner you had last night FINE. 

I'm torn on the idea about celebrities outing themselves.  Yes, it's still crazy tough times for kids who are gay.  yes, roll models are super.  But why not just live your life...gay or not...why 'announce' it.

This is *very* aside from groups of like minded individuals collecting together.  I'm not saying don't associate with people who have similar life views/styles as you.  I am in a community of circus performers and Burningman enthusiasts.  There is a pride parade.  I got to clown jams.  I'm proud to be who I am, as should anyone.  But no one *needs* to know, nor should they care, that I am a clown.

All *I* care about is that you are happy in your life. 
I am SO pleased and grateful that Sister found the love of her life.  I don't give a hoot if she found it in a boy or a girl.


I don't expect answers.
I don't want answers.
I just wanted to rant a little.  and maybe you don't like me anymore because of it.

Fear of the unknown.  "aarrgg!  what is it!?  KILL IT!" 




* not real initials...it's his work rap name, Dirty Chai...I'm M-Drizz, we've got Big Tazo, C-Salt, Solo Lo, Cool Lime, Lady Hibiscus, Hazelnut Sass...

day off, sad news

I have a day off, one that J is working, so I get the computer all to myself.  There are a few things I've been thinking about.  I'll write a few posts and stick a couple in the draft folder for later 'k?



My Stepmom's mom passed away last Tuesday morning.  We called her Grandma Sherman, aka Nana by her bio grandchildren.

I hadn't seen her much over the past few years.  When I was a teenager we would be at 'the Sherman's' for lunch after church, and spen Christmas eve with them, playing 'the present game'*.
Grandma Sherman was a tiny lady with a huge heart.  She always greeted us (me and Sister) warmly and quietly.  I always felt part of the family.  Even when I dressed rather crazy, this conservative Nana never batted an eye.  One of my favorite rememberings is that she always gave Sister and I 'man' glasses of milk.  The Sherman girls (her daughters and granddaughters) where either young or petite and didn't eat as much as the big amazonian girls we where (Sister and I, at that point, where about 5'9", Sister might have been taller than me by then) When setting the table there was a distinction about where one sat because there where large 'man' glasses, and small 'lady' glasses.  We must have asked for more milk a lot (milk was the preferred lunch beverage) because eventually we got 'man' glasses!

She was always busy, helping her family and Church.

When Grandpa Sherman passed away Nana included us in giving one of his paintings.  All the grandchildren got one you see.

Rest In Peace Nana.  Thank you for bringing us into the fold.  I love you for it.

gah!

my laptop broke (again!?)
our desktop is also our tv, so taking the time to write a full blog post is hard.  I don't want to hog.

so it might be a bit before I get a good post out. 

stay tuned!

What!? people still *think* like that!?

So, I allowed myself to get *really* angry the other day. 
A friend said something along the lines of "Nuite Blanch was great!  I had a great time.  Except for all the drunk people." in a status update on Facebook.   Peoples general responses where along the lines of "yea, it was crazy down town" and "I even saw 14 year olds drinking!". 

But one woman said (to paraphrase)  "I was down with my pre-teens and would have never allowed them to be on their own!  I was really uncomfortable down town with them because of all the drunk people.  (...) I don't want to sound racist but...I did feel a little safer because everyone was white."

I sat there *literally* sputtering for words.

There was a little bit of back and forth, Her saying something along the lines of "well you obviously don't have preteens because you would know that they have limits"

Someone else said "oh fuck right off".  She said "nice language sir".  More back and forth about how her language wasn't any better.
There is some reference to hip hop,
and then she says:

"well, drunk white kids don't carry guns"



I was in a rage. 

My heart was pounding and I was shaking.  I said some choice words as well.  (I repeated "oh fuck right off", in caps, and asked her when she studied white kids with guns vs. non white kids with guns)

I know that  my reaction wasn't going to teach her anything.  It was pure fight or flight.  I *still* haven't learned not to type when I'm upset.

I was just so in shock that people still think that way.  That racism was still alive and will.  Full on racism.  Not just stereotypes.  But actual FEAR of someone who is not the same colour as you.

I obviously live in a nice little bubble.

Maybe I can become a hermit.

a week of nothing at all

I try not to complain. 

So I'll whine instead!

Sunday night, while visiting my Grandparents I was getting sore throat and coughy


Let me add some good stuff to break up the whine.  Some photo creations from a while back with Grandma and Grandpa:

Then Monday I went to work miserable and got sent home early.  The good thing was that I actually went in because one of our staff called in sick with pneumonia!

I ended up calling in sick for Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was SO sick.  Body ache, sinus pressure, snot, cough.  Pain.  None of my normal remedies seemed to work.  At one point J gave me a T2 with codeine, and that worked...and then it wore off.  What a sad realization!

I went to the clinic to get a doctors note, and my own doc. was available.  She was able to be a little more 'thorough' than the walk in would be.  She thought I had a sinus infection (I do not) so gave me anti-biotics. I decided not to take them, but later that night J, the nurse, said he didn't like the way my cough was sounding and said I should take them.   So I begrudgingly did.  *harrumph*  turns out, it was a good thing I got the 'script.  I coughed up...well, never mind.  The infection seemed to have taken up residence in my bronchial tubes instead.  And with the scare of my co-worker and her being sick for 3+ weeks and developing pneumonia (and this year my friend Beat was hospitalized with it, and other complications) I don't want a bacterial infection getting out of control!  Even after only one dose my energy is back up some.  Now that my body doesn't have to fight so hard.

So not only did I miss 2 full days at the coffee shop, I came to the realization that there was no way I could physically do the garden maintenance.  *sigh* 

and I've booked off 5 days for thanksgiving!  I do have vacation hours that I can bank, thank goodness.

The lesson.  Be aggressive, be-e aggressive.  And demand one day off a week.  No wonder I got sick, from migraine to this.  No days off.

I'm not wicked!  WHAAAAAAAAAAA.


(and don't worry, I'm taking pro-biotics between doses and will double up once the bottle is empty)

crushing

I'm married, love, and am attracted to my J, and, I still get crushes.

I think the worst part about them isn't the fact I get them.  I've come to terms with being attracted to someone else.  At first it was really upsetting.  I didn't want to leave J to be with this person, but wow was he cute and crushable.  Why the heck did I feel like this??  Luckily, and though actual work, J and my relationship is great, and I have no desire to leave him.  I guess it just happens.  People aren't robots with 'crush' switches.

The worst part about my crushes is that I get possessive, and I feel hurt when my crushes crush on other people.  When they spend time with *other* friends of mine, and maybe even hook up.

I often, and not just in this type of situation, find my mind split.  This time it's split between "If *I* can't have him NO ONE CAN!  MINEMINEMINE *pout*"  and "Hey, that's a pretty good match, she's got what he wants/likes and well, he's awesome.  I hope it works!"

I think some of this stems from the fact that, until I was married (or in my other long term relationship with Pants), I ended up getting involved with most of my guy friends (the ones who didn't have girlfriends).  I've got it ingrained in my little brain.  Boys I like=Major crush=pounce.  And it's specific to boys too.  I haven't had a crush on a girl since high school.

I can see now, how people cheat long term, rather than leaving their spouse.  You have a good thing going at home, but it's a little broken (poor communication?) and this new and exciting thing is happening.  New and exciting is well, new and exciting. 

No wonder men buy fancy new cars during their mid life crisis! 

overwork, over tired, oversick

I haven't had a day off in...I don't know when. 

I had a week long migraine, then I did a cleans that left me with no energy (I stopped) and NOW I'M SICK. 

I've missed several gatherings and this makes me sad. 

This made me happy today though.

I'm a big Radiohead fan.  So, it's not the lyrics, but the way one of my favourite songs has been done. 

Chrismas making goal

This year, I don't want to buy ANYTHING for my Christmas making.  I want to use only things I have in the house!

That means Christmas cards too.

I had decided to knit socks for my intimidate family, and I *think* I just might have enough yarn for that.

I also have a few other ideas as well that I think I can pull off.  I will have to buy magnets and glue.  But that's it!  (and I think that's fair right?)

suicide

Today, Sept 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I have been so very blessed not to have been depressed enough to ever consider it. 
I've been blessed not to have anyone close to me try to, or commit suicide.

But people close to me have had people close to them commit suicide.  And the effects.  wow.

In the side bar "becca reads" the author of the blog RRSAHM's husband committed suicide, and although I've never even interacted with her, I've read her journey.  I found her blog though The Bloggess, who tipped me off about todays day.


One thing The Bloggess says is "drepression lies!"


I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist or a psychoanalysis or trained in any sort of shrinking of heads.

But I do believe that these hard subjects need to be brought into the light.

There is no shame in feeling so low.
In feeling worthless.

Remember that your brain is playing tricks on you.  And there are people who love you, even if you don't see them.  People who want you around.

If you don't feel you can talk to a friend, there are many many help lines.

for all of Canada:
1-800-448-3000

For Toronto:
1 (416) 408 4357


The Bloggess wanted to talk about some of the positives that might get you through the day.  here are a few of mine that help me get out of bed when I really don't want to, some might seem silly, but really

if it helps it helps.


Today my joys are:

waking up next to J.
layering my skirts and making them swoosh
knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and my mom and sister are there.
brand new tiny tart macintosh apples.  they are the highlight of my year...really.


what are the things that help you though tough times, silly, serious, sappy or what ever does it, what it is for you??

friendship

When I was little, having friends wasn't hard.  We lived in a co-op with lots of other kids.  really, we just had to go outside and there where people to play with.  I had a best friend, B.W., and we'd call on eachother lots too.  When I started a new school in grade 4 I met another girl, S.S., and we became best friends too.  She has a sister the same age as mine and we'd walk home together (so cool to walk home with out our parents!) 
B.W. and I had a fight when I was 13, over a boy no less.  We eventually reconciled, but we moved away from the co-op and we drifted apart.  We're now friends on facebook though.
S.S. and I drifted apart mid high school.  We where going to different schools and making new friends.  We still saw each other some, as I became fast friends with Mr. Smith and *his* crew at the same school.  I spent most of my 17th summer with all of them.
I had a group of girls I hung out with during high school, before I met Mr. Smith too.  I often felt left out because Shir was sometimes mean and would leave me out as we where often a threesome.  I wish me, V and J could be close again.  I certainly valued their friendship.  We had some really good times.  I allowed my fascination if Mr. Smith get in my way though. 
But such is life.
Post high school I was hanging out with Mr. Smith, my boyfriend Pants and various other people.  We, with m+m all moved in together (and then I vowed never to have room mates ever again ha!)
Jimmy J (a fiend of Mr. Smith) brought me into the goth world, and while I didn't submerse myself too deep I hung out there for a while (and me Mr. Kalifornia and Blue J.) 
I feel like I floated after that.  Not connecting on a deep level with anyone.
I'm in a pretty rad community now.  And I know there are people who really like me (best feeling when walking into a party and I hear a chorus of "Rebecca!"

What brought me to writing about friendship was that I don't feel like I have a best friend any more.  I think that ended in high school.  I feel really really odd calling anyone now.  I feel as if I'm...bothering people.  (also scared of rejection)  I also feel really really shitty when people do things with out me.  When they don't think to ask me to join them.  Big events and just 'hey lets go out for dinner!".

So, as I said above, I have a pretty great community right now,  And I cherish being part of it. But I still feel like I don't have a 'go to'.  I don't want to go out to big events all the time, or I'd like to have someone call me up for a change asking if we want to meet up first for dinner.

I think part of my problem is the stoopid social media.  That makes it easy to know about events, but it gives me an excuse to not use the phone.  I hate the phone.


SO, this friday I made the decision to actually *call* people.  and it turned out fantastically.


I'm going to make an effort to actually call people.  To say hey, what are you doing tonight, or next week.  And maybe even have a chat. 

And if you don't hear from me first, give me a call!!

oh silly Rebecca

Today was my due date with Rizo. 

Last night a watched the Temple at Burningman burn on their live video feed.  I had asked friends to write something on the temple wall for me, Rizo and J.  Regardless if they did or not, I said a little prayer and had a little cry.

Today, silly me, I watched the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting".  I was funny, so it wasn't too terrible to watch.  I'm not feeling too sad.  More hopeful as we've unofficially have started trying.  No prevention, but no charting, taking temps, worrying if it's the right day.

Back on the journy.  after a little pause.

Thanks for your support in this.  Even when you have nothing to say, and there are just hugs. 

how very pinteresting!

did you know I'm on pinterest?

well I am! 
I'm not terribly active because I don't troll the internet much, but I do have several boards, check me out!

ice cream and anniversaries

Tomorrow is J and my 6th year wedding anniversary.

I'm working both tomorrow and Monday night, so I thought I'd stay home and celebrate tonight.
The only downfall?  J had to go to bed at 8pm!  ha ha.  His job as an occasional part time nurse means he gets stuck with some not great shifts, like the whole long weekend.  These 3 days where planned in advance (I guess people where good and actually booked the time off).  Unfortunately not everyone books the time off and calls in sick so Friday he got a last minute call to go in for the evening shift, 3-11pm.  And the long weekend shifts, 7am-3pm.  He got home last night and got 5 hours of sleep then worked.  Poor guy.  Money is a wee bit tight so he's feeling the pressure to take everything that is offered. 


For our anniversary I made us ice cream.  In the maker my cousin gave us for a wedding present no less!

I made coconut almond chocolate chip.  PALEO ICE CREAM!

I modified The Unrefined Kitchens vanilla ice cream recipe with canned coconut milk, home made chocolate chips and almonds.

my modified vanilla ice cream:

1 can coconut milk (not milk-like coconut beverage!!!)
3-4 tbsp honey (agave would work too I'm sure...use less)
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 cup chocolate chips
1/4 cup slivered and blanched almonds (or finely chopped raw almonds would be even better!!)

-whip up coconut milk, honey and vanilla
-chill until...chilled
-pop into ice cream maker (following their instructions)
-put in chocolate chips and almonds when ice cream is soft serve consistancy
-eat when you can't handle waiting any more!

serves 2-3 (or more if you are topping another dessert)


I really liked the home made chocolate chips.  They are chewy and not all crumbly when frozen.
I also really liked that it can be so much less inexpensive than store bought!  a pint of store bought coconut ice cream is like $8.  This was SO good and cost maybe $2 to make.  I'd guess half the price for a whole pint...maybe.

a dream

I had a telling dream last night!

In my dream I broke my right lower thumb bone, and my left pinkie (again!).  The hospital staff just realigned the bones and said "just don't us your hands".  No cast, no brace, no nothing. 

That's kinda how I'm feeling right now.  *helpless*
(we're having a tiny bit of financial trouble, don't worry....we'll get out of it!)


My spirits are amazingly fine...August has just been an odd month

Any way, I just really wanted to share my dream.  I hope it's not one of my prophetic ones!!!

oh hai!

Yesterday was our friends Foxes and Dragon's wedding day.

The night before I think, "I wonder if they have a photographer"
On the off chance J knew I asked, and our friend Mouse was taking photos.

I knew I'd bring my camera, but I spoke to Foxes and Mouse to 'clear it' that I could be 'A Photographer'.
So I was, and I did.

and

It Was Good.


This was the first time since Feb./March that I had, in earnest, picked up the camera.

I immediately edited a few teaser shots for FB consumption.
Here they are for you to view too:

The wedding was beautiful.


I think I just reignited my photography passion too.

just a reminder

I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that I'm not in dire straights and 'just' had a particularly bad day yesterday.

there are no thoughts about harming myself (or others!)

it's just a little darker than normal, but I'm not so deep that I can't see that I'm ok.  I'm aware enough now to see that I am struggling.  That's the first step right?

xxoo

right in the middle-welcome to my breakdown.

I anticipated some sort of breakdown in the near future.  Rizo was due Sept 2 (3?) so I expected to feel down.  I felt sad during mOOseman and we had a little weep.  Today however.  BLAM. 

For the past week or so my body has been very sore.  More than usual.  Headaches and lower back mainly, but my hips too. 

I think this whole time (the last 6 months) I've been depressed.  Not full on stay in bed all day depression, but I've been tired and achy and 70% sad.  It only hit me today that, that is what is happening.  All as I walked to work, trying to hold it together and not freak the people on the street by bawling.  Weeping behind sunglasses and talking to yourself is 'bad' enough.

I felt rather cruddy yesterday, and today, wow.  Just. Yuck.  weepy and SO sore.  I managed to stay out of bed all day.  I even went to the Y!  I had planned on walking home but I was too tired and drained.  It wasn't until about 3pm that I really cried, and 15 minutes before I had to leave for work I started to breakdown.  Lucky for me I have an amazing manager, and today's schedule lent it self well to having me not be there.


The interesting part about my panic/anxiety/depression attacks is that I have no internal 'tape' going.  I'm not thinking bad thoughts about myself, or others.  I'm not thinking about harming myself.  I just feel this HUGE fear.  I feel scared/sad/upset for no apparent reason.  When I was a teenager, and felt similarly, I would come up with reasons, and get upset with friends (mainly Mr. Smith).

(shit, I just had an 'aha' moment regarding why I was violent with my sister...those feelings with no reason...!!!  damn)

Being in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) didn't really work for me because I *don't* have those thoughts (I'm worthless, everyone hates me...I don't know what all)  I just felt. 

I assume my feelings today are about Rizo. 

The things I've learned about Buddhism and specifically tonglen practice have helped me most with this.
And allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling.   I do have meds that I can take when I have to (for work, I can't afford to miss any more...now *that* thought leads me spiralling down more that anything, and that's where CBT comes in handy)


I want to take a week off, and I have about 30 hours of vacation pay.  I may do it.  Spend the week on the island, just being.

once again...I have no stucture.

I can't seem to keep structure in my life.

Paleo went down the tubes.  I'm getting back on track now. 
I never ever did my chore list.  ever.  I don't think I even got through a week.
My morning to do is on the fridge...not motivating me.  Not getting done.

Our apartment is a gigantic mess.
And I haven't baked in weeks (partly due to the heat...)
I haven't been to the Y in several months.  

I have no structure here.  How do I expect people (who don't know and like me) to stick around when I blog once a week about...???

So?  what am I going to do about it? 

I HAVE NO FLAPPING CLUE.

I'm really even feeling like I'm complaining about this.  It's just a Fact.

I wanted to get the heck organised and in better shape before we start trying again.  I had 6 months.  I allowed myself some time for mourning. 
Maybe it just took me 6 months to mourn?

But regardless of that, this seems to be a trend.  You can pat me on the head and say it's ok to take 6 months.  Alas, some of that would just be an excuse. 

I've taken 6 months away from photography.  I have no motivation since the miscarriage.  NONE.  I've *just* started to 'see' again.  (I didn't take a single shot at Mooseman)

I suppose the first step is recognising.  and heck, didn't it take me over a year last time?  so, from April to now is a step up.

heh.

*phew* or a cange is (hopefully) as good as a rest

It's been a while eh?
Lots of stuff on my mind.  So much it's buzzing around like crazy.  But nothing to concern you with!  (packing lists and who did I forget to e-mail, and OMG!  I'M GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS!!) 

I'm going on an extra long weekend camping trip, just like last year.  With and extra day!  yip yip yoop!

J can come this time!  A blessing and a *wee* bit of a curse!  I'm so glad he's coming so so glad he can experience this.  But part of me is a possessive freak and doesn't want to share!  ha!  I'm a jerk.  Can I blame my little sister for not wanting to share?  I hate sharing!

Aaaaaaannnnny who. ahem.

I hope I have enough feathers.  I hope I have enough cute clothes (OMG  who but a burner thinks about looking super cute and having enough feathers and flowers on a *camping* trip!)  I also hope I can fit all out food in the cooler!!

They say a change is as good as a rest (cause, if  you clicked on the above link, you'll know how tiring this whole weekend will be!!) I hope that's true, because I'm tired.  That could also be attributed to the fact that I went to bed at 2am and am up at 7!! 

*can't sleep...too excited!*

I hope I can sleep in the car!

to much going on for anything to be going on

I've been feeling rather stretched lately.  Because, so far, I've worked 2 weeks straight with no days off, and I'm due for another week,  until next Wednesday (the 18th).  I get a day, then I can only assume that the next day off I get will be my birthday on the 28th.  And that won't be very restful because I planed a day of fun!  At least it will be fun?  The week after that I have almost a week off! Thursday - Tuesday. I hope I don't get sick during my little vacation!!

I couldn't sleep last night.  I generally don't have a problem sleeping, but this time, my mind wouldn't stop.  I was worrying about money.  For heavens sake, I have two jobs, Jason has a job, what's my problem!?  oh right, we're playing catch up.  As always, we where *thisclose* to 0.  running on fumes.  (in my line of work, that would be tips, $15-$20 a week tips).  I owe the government $200+, I still owe Sunnybrook 50$ for my cast thinger.  And I just got a notice from Hydro...oh, our power will be cut off on the 20th if I don't pay...right. fuck, that.  I'll get it payed before then.  Friday morning.  and our organic bin is over due too.  So much for saving second jobs pay.  I had this grand plan.  putting it away, and by November having $4000+ saved.  I'm about $900 behind already.

I feel like such a...loser. 

urg.


Budgeting is next to impossible.  Jason isn't guaranteed any hours.  He's just casual, so he is constantly worried.  And he has mondo bills to pay too.  (did you know only people who have racked up credit card debt can get help?)


Sometimes I feel like we are at the bottom of the hill, with nothing to hold on to, and every time we get part way up that hill we go *phew!* and because we stopped scrambling, we slide ALL THE WAY DOWN AGAIN.  All I can say is, other than Jason's school and taxes, we have no debt.  he's slowly picking away at those, and sometimes I feel like they will always be there what with interest and all.

I keep thinking of things we can cut back on.  The organics bin is the only thing that I'd consider a luxury.  The internet??  maybe.  Being on the paleo diet?  Meat isn't cheap.  But I'd say 90% I buy on sale.

I dunno if I'll ever be able to be a SAHM/W.

actually.  all I want to do is rest.

Fucking first world problems.  wha wha wha!  I have two jobs.  I just want to watch tv all day!  wha wah wah

from status update to blog post.

I just posted this on Facebook:

well, more silver lining to my miscarriage... SO glad I am not 7 months pregnant in this heat. and I get to go to mOOseman 2012 of which I was sorrily disappointed not to be going to. And on that note, with my big mouth, we are able to start trying again in Sept. and would love your fertility prayers and vibes (OMG! isn't that this years Burning Man theme!!?? will someone do something for me, maybe a prayer in the temple???)

and in the comments:

also just realized Rizo was due Sept. 2. the day the man burns. will some one transcribe something on to the man for me too?? ok...I'll admit to being a burner now.

Big tears on that, but I hope someone will step up for me, because that extra little ritual, with all of those peoples (and a lot of friends) energies will help me immensely.  Whether or not it helps my get pregnant is another story! 

 But I believe in ritual.  I believe in crying and mourning (or rejoicing!) AND LETTING GO.  I believe our little ritual together helped up both let go.  I also believe that Sept. 2 will be a super hard day for me.  And that I'll need something to help lessen my grip even more.  Rizo will never be gone, but I can let him stay with out hurting me.  

 

Another point I sometimes think about is that Rizo was never viable.  Rizo was never going to be a human baby.  And maybe that makes it silly.  Or maybe I worry that *others* think it's silly.  I'm not articulating my point well, but I've decided it *isn't* silly to mourn a 'failed' pregnancy.

 

And on the burning man front.  I've denied to myself that I'm a 'burner', everyone assures me I am.  In taking this step, and asking my friends for help in my ritual *at* burning man I think I just came out of the closet.  One of those situations where everyone goes "I knew it all along!".

 We often have what we call  Orphan Burn, for those of us who are not at Burning Man, and last year Jason and I renewed our vows (the theme last year was rites of passage).  I can do some more personal healing then too.  

food and family

Today we had a party for my mom (she recently turned 60! oh...sorry mom, although you have been saying that 60 is the new 40...) and for Owen.  It's really nice seeing my family more that 3 times a year!!  This is the first time I've been around a baby since the miscarriage, and I was SO fine.  I got to hold him for a bit.  he's such a sweetie.  I didn't bring my camera, but I'm sure his grandpa will be posting photos soon!

I brought Miracle Pie and was glad everyone enjoyed it!  It's my new favourite treat.  Raw cashew cream pie.
Filling
1/3 cup water
1/2 cup coconut oil
1 cup raw cashew
sweetened to taste with agave syrup
add cocoa powder for chocolate and vanilla for...vanilla
Blend/food process until smooth

Crust
1 cup walnits
1 cup dates
blended to a constancy you like

pat down crust into pie plate (I used flat soup bowls!)
pour/glop filling in
refrigerate.
My friend Pwylla also added a layer of blueberries on the bottom and raspberries on the top, I used mango instead of rasp.


I told my Uncle Art (aka Owen's grandpa) that it is vegan, gluten and sugar free.  He made a face, and I forced him to eat it anyway.  He told me it was good!  next time I only tell the people who need to know that it's 'healthy'.

Next party is up in Peterborough at Mommy's and Cousin Sean's new house.  (separate houses!)
Sean has a pool.  huzzah!!

a couple neat things...

My manager recently changed the store hours from 5:30 am - 10pm to 5am -10 pm.  a hald=f hour doesn't *seem* like much, but when it  means getting up at 3:30 am it does!  I generally walk to work, and 4:30 am is even quieter than I anticipated, compared to 5 am that is. 

The birds sing me to work though!  and the bats are still out!  I've seen several raccoon families too.  the solitude is nice, and I always wonder at the 2-3 people I see.  Are they on their way to work to?  or are they on their way home?  Maybe the man smoking at the cafe patio on the corner just couldn't sleep.  The gnats or whatever wee flying bugs are, fly in really neat loops around the lamp posts.

I like 4:30 am.

just a quick note on the best smothie evar.

Strawberry almond smoothie:
(I use a magic bullet...)

half a large banana
2 more fresh Ontario strawberries than you think you need (ie. put some in, then add 2 more)
2 glops of almond butter
the same amount of yoghurt
tblsp. coconut oil
top with orange juice.

I thought of adding the last of my spinach.  Next time.

Also, although I am a huge fan of making my own almond butter, when it is cheaper by the Lb. than buying almonds...um...buy the almond butter!!  (Chunkey was almost half the price as smooth!  WHA???)

getting healthy (again...more?)

So it's been almost 3 weeks on paleo.  I know I need to eat more.  I don't want to starve myself!  so more veggies at every meal!  UGH.  I'm not a big veg fan.  I did re discover I like raw peas yesterday.  I'm going to try chard again.  And there is a purple cabbage in the fridge. 

I did have a customer comment on my mood and weight loss.  It was part embarrassing and part confirming.  Did I talk about PMS in the last post?   ZILCH.  I think two more cycles will confirm if it was a fluke or because of the diet.

My sister (the holistic nutritionist) was talking about sugar and inflammation, and how carbs and starch turn into sugar that triggers inflammation, and since that is my main issue, I'm pleased that I am doing this.  I still have pain sometimes, but it's much less. 

I did a detox yoga today, and will *try* to do it a few times a week to help with getting rid of the crud in my body.

I again started 100 pushups and 200 'situps'.  I am SO weak.  I could barely do one knee push up.  I'll be keeping a log here to keep track.  Maybe on a different page. 

So, back at it.  And back at the chore list!  sheesh.  I'm so bad at keeping on track.  BUT  I *think* this diet is beginning to help with motivation...but part of it is habit, so we'll see.

a kitchen sink post

1.  It's been 2 weeks eating (mosly) paleo.  I've had a few cheats, but I've done really really well I think.
Some things I've noticed so far:  I have not crashed!  As in, when I get hungry, I feel hungry, my tummy rumbles some, but I don't feel faint or shaky.  I don't have to EAT RIGHT NOW.  I know this because I was involved in the Toronto Festival of Clowns this weekend and didn't eat regularly.  (more on that in a moment!)  I have to be more organised with food, but that is coming along.  There is *nothing* in a corner store that I can eat.  No, wait, nuts.  I can buy nuts or sunflower seeds.  I haven't gone to a restaurant yet, so I don't know what that will be like.  I'm sure it will be along the lines of  "Can I get extra salad/veggies in place of the potatoes?"
I *think* my moods have been more stable, but this weekend was a crappy sleeping weekend, late nights, not being able to sleep in, so I'm a wee bit grumpy.  I also just got my period, so there was some pms, *but* looking back to the last week, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, and I didn't get cramps.  Day one is *always* crampy.  AND there was very little food cravings, and when I have eaten chocolate, it was just kinda ok.  My stomach pain was worse than ever, but it seems to have calmed down some.  I'm giving myself a month to see how things progress.  Or, let's say, to the end of June. 

2.  CLOWNS!  I just spent the weekend with a bunch of clowns and it was rad.  It's fun to dance (to a DJ) with fellow clowns (in or out of nose) because they have NO inhibitions!  SO FUN.  It was nice to see a few people who I met last year, and just to be in the same place more with friends.  I was up late and slept little, but it was worth it.

3. There is someone I don't like.  This is an awkward thing to write on a public blog, because although you may speak to friends 'in private', you don't announce to a whole room that "HEY!  there is someone I don't like...and well, since I'm announcing it to *everyone* I won't tell you who it is!".  Regardless, I'm going to continue on and assure you it's is not you (I think...).  I find not liking this person (X) frustrating, not just because they annoy the heck out of me, but because in general they are a caring, nice, generous person.  I want to yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" when X talks.  So it's all me.  So what the HELL can I do about it?  I don't know, because X is part of the community, and as much as I try to distance myself from them, X seems to *always* be there.  I feel sad for myself.  I know that I'm not going to like everyone I come in contact with, but the absolute RAGE I feel when X is around astounds me.

4.  J got a job!  yay!  he started today with an orientation.  I've been working 2 jobs, and am in a bit of a conundrum as to whether I will keep them both.  I don't really want to.  I'm feeling pretty drained, but we still need to bring our savings back.  I figure I'll stay with the gardening until the end of the season (Oct.) and pack away the $.

oh the discomfort!

My midsection is in a fairly decent amount of pain.  I believe it has to do with inflammation in my bowels.  (YAY!  more bowel talk!)  It is referring into mainly my right hip and lower back, but lately my whole leg and into my left side too.  My joints hurt.  My mom has been going through something similar (but more complex I think)  A major change in her diet helped a lot. 

I've been thinking about going off refined sugar (yea, I said I was, I didn't!), and grains.  A lot has to do with random bits of information gleaned for different places, including my moms success.  There is This article about the sun and avoiding sunburn. (I'm planning on not wearing sunscreen this year!  maybe I'll write about that soon)

SO I want to go for the paleo diet. 

Basically, the Paleo Diet consists of eating meats, veggies, healthy fats (coconut oil, avocados, nuts, eggs), and fruit. It eliminates grains (especially ones that contain gluten, but also rice and corn), refined sugars, dairy, vegetable oils, legumes (including peanuts), potatoes, and soy. The diet encourages organic foods as much as possible and grass-fed meats that are antibiotic and hormone-free.

(This woman is a wee bit...Christian-preachy for my taste, but it doesn't come through in her blog posts/recipes)

*deep breath*  I always seem to FAIL at these kind of things.  I'm *hoping* that I can stick it out long enough to see the benefits.  Ms. Unrefined (from above link) talks about the benefits she sees: 

Here are some of the things I have noticed in my life as a result of switching to the Paleo Diet:
1. Hormonal stability/balance 
2. More energy
3. More motivation
4. Clarity of thought/less spacey
5. Increased memory
6. Less sleepy
7. Less headaches
8. Increased circulation (I’m not as cold as I used to be though this winter will be an excellent test for that.)

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for all that to happen for me.  She doesn't talk about her guts, but a lot of other stuff I've read talks about it helping with that too.

J pointed out that I need to up my abdominal strength too.  They aid in digestion as well.  This will help with back stability.

I need to start my weekly menu planning again.  That is always a help.

I'm so tired of feeling like shit!  I want to talk more about my mental health too, but that is for another day.

just now

I decided just now that I'm wishing myself a happy mothers day.  I didn't carry Rizo to term, but the amount of love I felt, that amount of joy I felt, well, I'm sure it will be 100000000000000 x's more once we do carry to term and have a baby, but I was a mother.

*sigh* I guess I'm not 'past' it, 'cause I'm crying.  I guess those certain dates will get to me every so often.  All I have to do is allow myself to feel sad, and keep living my life. 

When my first major relationship ended my mom said, "just take it one breath at a time"  and so I do.



There is a huge range of emotion in me right now.  I have this HUGE feeling of JOY for Sherri, Rob and Owen (my cousin who just had her baby), This first Mother's day.  I'm happy they are safe, I'm happy they are happy, I'm so pleased to have another member of our family to love.
And then way at the other end, I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I wanted Rizo so much.  I don't feel any ill will towards anyones new beginnings, I just want one for ME.  *pout*
Sometimes acceptance isn't enough.  It helps, but knowing the *answer* would be oso nice.

And in the middle?  I feel tired.  I'm just tired.  Tired of worrying about money, tired of working 13 days out of 14.  Tired of not having energy to be intimate with my husband.  Sad I take what energy I have to do laundry instead. 

The weather is terrific, and I splendour in it (yes, yes I do ha.)  My next organics bin will have fiddleheads and new asparagus, and this makes me excited...
But I'm still tired, and my feet hurt.

it's been a week

and I don't have anything to say.
lets ramble for 10 minutes and see what comes out.


I just heard back from an old friend (on FB, she lives far away, and I haven't seen her in person in at least 10 years) who is 'allowed her friends back' now that her and ex have separated.  I started to cry in pitty for the man, and said out loud, "oh (soandso), you manipulative bastard".  This is his second failed marriage.  I don't want to blame it on him entirely, but there is a pattern emerging.  I knew this guy at the end of our teens.  looking back I can see the slight tendency for this kind of manipulation, but I don't think anyone would have thought he could be such an ass.  I don't know the whole story, but I know some of the story from his first ex.  He's the kind of person who sees abuse as physical, "so what is her problem?  I don't beat her!?" kind of attitude.

I'm proud of this girl for getting out too.  She hasn't had an easy go of it.  I'm glad she's back in my (online) life

exercise: is that why I feel so good?

So, I went to the Y 2 days in a row.  I feel, mentally SO GOOD.  Physically.  SORE.  But mostly in that good way.  With my new plan of action, and my commitment to my daily chores, getting to the Y 3-4 days a week is very important to me.  I remember why now. 
I feel good. 

I was starting to wonder if it was hormonal...and it might be a factor, but after sitting at home for 3 days sick, getting out and moving felt so good.  Working out and grimacing though shaky abs and sweat in your eyes suck, but the after effect is great. 

Like The Bloggess says, DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD (I always add "and anxiety!").  I so get that when you are in the middle of it it's hard to stop and say, oh, right, depression/anxiety lie! and hit the gym.  But maybe just maybe you trust someone enough to have them drag you out for a walk/run/bike ride/yoga/Zumba!.  I'd suggest making a plan.  Plan with someone when you aren't in the middle of it.  Plan something you know you like, something that is not new.  Also plan this with someone who will not get angry at you when you tell them to fuck off.

I know this doesn't cure mental illness, but the effects of exercise help deal with it better.  All those good chemicals released into your brain, feeling stronger, and looking fitter.  Feeling flabby and weak makes me, well, feel flabby and weak.  I like looking and feeling strong.  (and those two handfuls at the back of my thighs don't help either as much as I hate to admit it)

I've been working on my defensive attitude, esp. in regards to J, because he sees and interacts with me most, I need to remember he's on my side, and when he tells me it's time to get to the Y, he's just trying to help.

The second motive for getting to the Y 3-4 times a week is to actually be in good shape for Project makeBaby 2.0, I slagged off last time, and I'm glad to have another chance to be healthy.
Ka, can't get away from it, so I may as well not fight it.

rainy day lasagne

I decided to make lasagne today a few days ago.  I was worried it would be too hot out and it wouldn't be a great dinner.  (warm oven hot day yuck)  Turns out it is a perfect day!

Here is the 'recipe' for " My (dutch) moms meat lasagne"

I say 'recipe' in quotes because I learned by watching her, not by anything written down.  I've also tweaked it from how she does it too...


Ingredients:

a sploosh of olive oil
one small onion, diced
several cloves of garlic, chopped/crushed/pressed/grated
half to one pack of ground beef
tsp or so dried basil, or oregano or majorim
a good sprinkle of cayenne pepper (we liked it spicy)
oh...a cup or 2 of mushrooms, sliced
one small/medium zucchini, grated
half to one green, red, yellow or orange sweet pepper chopped (I don't like peppers, so I don't add them, but my mom always made the peppers bigger so I could pick them out and put them on her plate, although with lasagne, it was hard, so I got them down ok)
can of whole, or puréed tomatoes (if whole, blend with a blender stick...my mom used to blend the garlic here, instead of chop it up)
tub of cottage cheese
one egg
pack of baby spinach, or bag of spinach, or pack of frozen spinach
9 lasagne noodles
half a big block mozzarella cheese, grated

-heat olive oil in a medium pot, medium heat, add onions and garlic, and cook a little, until fragrant
-add ground beef and spices and cook 'til done
-add mushrooms, zucchini and peppers and cook for a few minutes
-add can of tomatos
-bring to boil and turn down to second lowest to simmer until mushrooms are cooked

Meanwhile,
-boil water for noodles.  cook until el dente.
-put spinach into colander and poor noodles and cooking water on top to wilt spinach.  (my mom boiled water, and wilted the spinach separately, but this saves time and energy and water)
- pour cold water over noodles and spinach
- put cottage cheese in bowl and add egg (the egg holds it all together), stir in cooled wilted spinach.

- in a deep rectangle baking pan, put a thin layer of sauce, layer on 3 noodles
-add cottage cheese mix, and 3 more noodles
-a thick layer of sauce, and 3 more noodles
-evenly spread grated mozzarella

At this point you can refrigerate it, or if in an aluminium pan, freeze it.  Or turn the oven on to 350 let it heat up and pop it in until you feel it's done...yea, I go by smell, half an hour to an hour?  make sure the egg is cooked in the cottage cheese layer.  Turn the oven to broil and brown the top.

The most important and hardest part is LET IT SIT!  It needs to gel again.  Kinda like allowing meat to sit.

(pics to follow once it's out of the oven...I didn't think to write this post until it was too late!)

reboot

I'm doing the good ol' start over.
Something I do every so often when I think I've been doing nothing but sitting at the computer all day.

Like a year and a month ago...That didn't last very long...
I think it was just too much.

This time my plan of action:
Make fertilitea
Drink cup of water while water is boiling
Stretch, starting with the bits that ache, my hips, knees and shoulders.
Get dressed,
Make breakfast
Take vitamins
Eat breakfast and drink tea.

On mornings I don't have to be at work early, I'll add in the oil pulling and morning writing again.

After work, before I sit down, I NEED to get back to my daily household chore list.  I am going to spend 20 minutes every day on one chore, and 5 minutes on each other chore.  BEFORE I SIT DOWN.  This is very important!  Once I sit, I'm toast.

And once I sit...it's time to meditate.


I hope I can make this work this time. 

advice

Never comment on a facebook post when sick and tired and pmsing.  Esp. when you think "uh...that is a very obvious answer"

I think I've written about my lack of empathy skills.  I suck at it.  I've got compassion out the wazoo.  But stick myself in anothers situation?  fugeddaboudit.  It drives poor J nutso.

I've gone and stuck my foot in my mouth *again*

Maybe I shouldn't even press "publish" on this, 'cause I'm not *really* making any sense, and I'll probably upset even more people.

I shouldn't be sent away during my period, I should be sent away the week before.  Poor Poor world.

also, it makes me miss being pregnant.  *sigh*

a rambly update: long and boring or helpful and informative?

I seem to be able to update once a week.  This week I've thought several times about writing, but didn't have the huzpah.  Today I work at 12:30, so I'm not tired yet!

Miscarriage update:

I did indeed have a partial molar pregnancy.  We have to use birth control for 6 months (4.5 to go!) because if the tissue wasn't 100% expelled it can continue to grow, and will produce HCG hormones, exactly like pregnancy.  The info I linked to says one year, but I'll be getting monthly blood work (to test hormone levels), and hey, I'm going with my doctor, not the internet on this one!  I had been worrying about cancer, but it seems as though with a *partial* mole it's even less likely than a complete mole. 



Happy news:

My cousin had her baby Pip.  A little scary because he was almost a month early, and breech.  She ended up having a C section.  Everyone is healthy.  That's all I know because they had decided to have 2 weeks of just the 3 of them.  Updates to follow!  I'm a little envious, but very happy for them.  She's the oldest cousin, so I'm glad she got to have this first!  I hope I can take *full* advantage of handmedowns next...September/October? (here's hoping!)  the best part is my aunt and uncle (Pips Oma and Opa) had been travelling all winter and rushed home to be here for Easter.  So glad they are here now.



Clown:

Edith is performing this Thursday for the first time since October.  I hope I can fit into her dress!
An acquaintance of mine had started a group for people to 'play'.  I'm hoping to join them this year to expand my learning.  I've been going to a bi monthly 'clown jam' too.  Where a nose of clowns (like a pride of lions, or a flock of birds!) get together and run through turns and develop characters.  Very helpful and encouraging.


Life:

oh boy!  J lost his job in February.  This month we are getting by by the skin of our teeth.  I am now working 2 jobs.  And working 6-7 days a week.   I went back to my old boss and picked up 2 days doing maintenance.  And of course...the reason I felt I needed to get second job was because I wasn't getting hours at Starbucks...I had 35 last week.  I'm not going to complain about it though, we just hired someone else, so I'm sure my hours will go down again...
J has an interview/test at the place he wants to work at today.  it's casual, and J doesn't know what that means...but it's more than he's doing now, and a foot in the door.

staying up and being social

This weekend I was social!
I went out Saturday, after getting up at 4:30am, and not napping (I tried, I couldn't sleep!).  I went out to a pub crawl and and fundraising event.

I do not do pub crawls, but this involved dressing like a bunny...so why the heck not.  And J wanted to come, and he's even less social than I am, so I try and make sure we get out when he feels like it.  I don't do pub crawls because I (in general) don't like drunk people.  They are annoying (yes, eve you my dear friends).  I also don't enjoy the wrangling of drunk people...so I just don't bother.
It was a rather short pub crawl, and we got there late, and it ended at the fundraiser.  And I miss my friends! so it was worth it this time! 

(I'd just like to say again, I'm SO not judging anyone for drinking, it's just not my cuppa!)

The fundraiser was a good time.  There was a section of fire performers.  I was so pleased to see them up on stage.  4/5 years ago I was going to 'circus jam' and a handful of the performers where basically starting from scratch back then.  It was quite amazing to see them up on stage, as a troupe, doing a gig.

The last DJ of the night was really great, and the best part about it was donning my clown nose with North and having Josh walk up to us with this clown expression of "holy shit!  you are HERE!" we clowned around some on the dance floor...and then North suggested the stage...so we got up there and had an impromptu dubstep turn.  It was a great confirmation for me!  Me and my clown bruthas.  I'd love to do more like that.  Have a handful of people show up at an event and clown around.  It was also fun to *really* let go.  I didn't think I cared what people thought when I danced.  But I found out with a nose on, I can be truly free.  (heh, philosophise *that*)  I left after that.

Got home around 3, and went to bed at 3:30.  Up for 23 hours.  Well worth it.

the food situation

So.  I feel like ass.  My joints ache, my head hurts and I'm feeling foul.  At this moment, I'm attributing the yuck with food. 

I decided that after Easter I was going to cut out (again!) refined sugar, wheat, coffee and most dairy.  This isn't really all that new or drastic for me, but after the miscarriage I started eating whatever I wanted. 

I'm allowing myself for now to keep black and green tea, and honey, agave and maple syrup.  This will change once I start seeing my naturaupath and acupuncturist I'm sure.

It's not worth hurting so much.  I'm ill.  This is not normal.  This can't be ageing, I'm 32! 

My assumption is inflammation.  I know that something inflames my ileo-cecal valve, and that causes pain and inflammation other places.


*time passing*

I had to look up the spelling for ileo-cecal and I found THIS! 
This is it.  I've known for a while about the valve.  In a Vitality magazine they where talking about inflammation and they described my symptoms to a T.  This is even better.  I found information on closing the valve .  I can't wait to talk to my health team about this!


I must say, after looking at a whole bunch of stuff I'm rather frutrated at the other doctors I've seen.  The GI specialist didn't even think to suggest the valve, even though I pointed directly at it and said "this is where it hurts"  oh well, I know now, and I hope this helps!

ooops, I epiphanied all over my self!

Yesterday I posted this as my status update on Facebook:

"awwww crappit. I just figured out *for sure* that the thing I am most passionate about and lights me up the most is clowning. Why is this a bad thing? other than the fact I will never be a millionaire? well, it's not...but now that I know, I need to be accountable to myself and *do the work*. ignorance is bliss. HELP! (blog post to follow, once I eat something and stop crying) I'd like to thank North (for being a great friend and clown buddy and for posting the link about the clown study, the results of which made me epiphany all over myself), Sketchy and Fesso who are Edith Checkerspot's parents, Lunacy Cabaret, Kitty for being a circus nut and finding the circus scene for me, Jean-Paul Mullet for being a great clown and inspiring me SO much, Toronto Clown for the Clown Festival that has brought so many clowns for inspiration...and you you clown friends. red nose forever. (FUCK)"

So here is my explanatory post! 


North posted in mid March on Facebook a link to a short survey titles "clown psychology"


this is what the researcher said:

Welcome to this Clown Psychology Survey
The following 12 questions are about your experience and thoughts on "theatre clown" (not balloon-animal-childrens-party clowns).

There are no right or wrong answers. I am only interested in hearing your honest experience and perspective.  All questions are optional.

By learning about others' experience of clown I will aim to develop ideas of ways clowning can inform psychology and life. If you are interested in receiving information on my research please let me know and I can send you any "discoveries" or ideas once this is complete.

Thank you VERY much for your time.

Therese

and the questions where these: 

4. What words do you think of when you think about clown?

5. What does "clown" mean to you?

6. What attracted you to the art of clown? What is it that interests you about clown?

7. Who has/have been your clown teacher/s?

8. Is there anyone who inspires you as a clown? Are there any well known clowns you admire? If so, who are they?

9. What have you learned from clown?

10. What was the most challenging part of clown for you?

11. What do you think of the red nose? Do you like it, or not? Does it help you, or not?

12. Is there anything else you would like to add or share about your experience with clown?

So I filled it out (the first three questions where personal info...like e-mail address, to get more info later) filed it away in the old memory banks.

I got an e-mail yesterday with everyone's answers! (anonymously)

So there I am.  Reading everyone's answers, nodding and uh huh-ing.  And feeling really *good*.

And I realized that...Hey!  this feels good!  wait a second, it always does, the learning and listening and watching...

And I promptly burst into tears and said "shit!".  I realized that clowning was my passion.

Now, you may be wondering why I started to cry.  I started to cry because I have been searching for my passion for as long as I've known that passions existed and most people had them.   It was the light bulb moment of  "oooohhhhhhh, *this* is what I love".  

The "shit" part was in response to, now that I *know* I have to *do*.  I am now accountable to myself to not let this get away.  To push, and learn and do.  

I am not a pusher, a learner or a doer.  I've said it before.  I am a lazy mofo.  

Except.

Except when it comes to things I'd rather be doing.  So for now I'm safe.  The next little while will be easy.  I'll go to the bi-monthly clown jam.  I'll save my pennies.  I'll perform here and there.  My prediction;  then things will get hard.  I'll have a bad critique (which will be invaluable), or I'll get stuck, or I'll be rejected.  I'll have to *work* for it.  I'll have to push though the muck and work though my discouragement.

Because I want this.  

Not fame, not fortune, not even recognition.  I want to feel good.  I want to make people feel.  SOMETHING.  'cause theatrical clown isn't just about the laughs.  It's about feeling.

I think I'm getting off topic though.  This isn't about *clown*.  This is about passion.  I have several people in my life, some of whom I'd call friends, who have followed their passions and have made something of themselves though it.  (Sadie, Baxter, Dixon,...)  

(now...just to get a little defensive...I'm not saying that people who don't/can't make their living with their passion are doing something wrong!  I'm just looking at these people with awe, and respect.  You do what you have to do to survive, I respect that in anyone)


It's a scary prospect. How do I navigate this?  

I think the first thing is to start (continue) doing it.  I won't get good (better?) but not doing it.

I want to take more classes.  I need to put a small amount of money away for classes.  


And the biggest hurdle for me.  Believing in myself.   

 

the durings and afters

It's been just over a month since I miscarried (I see the Doc on the 11th to find out more).

I've had a really interesting time observing my body change back to pre pregnancy.

One of the very first things that happened was my breasts pretty much deflated.  Poof, gone.  *sad*
One of the worst parts is that I'm still 20 Lbs overweight (I'd say 5-10 of that happened before, after I broke my finger and stopped gardening.)  The lower abdomen is 'flat' again.  It had started to pop out. 
My lower back and hips had to move back, they had started to hurt from spreading, and a month later I believe they're done. 
My appetite is back to normal.  I hadn't realized how ravenous I was! 
I also don't have to pee nearly as much.  That was hormonal at that stage.  I revel in being able to hold it now!
I'm also not dead tired either.  That was starting to ebb some, as it was supposed to, but still.  wow.  (Motivation isn't back though...I suspect lack of motivation had nothing to do with being pregnant)
Being pregnant suited me.  My hormones where stable!  I had one major break down because pants didn't fit.  other than that, life was quite pleasant.  Now.  I feel that old bitch creeping back. 
And my FACE.  Breakout city.  ugh.


All in all, people have been good about it.  I've taken the outlook that is someone says something, it means they care, and if it's not *quite* right, it's because they just don't know what else to say.  And the people who I know know, but don't say anything, just don't know what to say and have decided to stay quiet.  My first day of work back was like that.  No one said anything.

I've also been amazed at how many women (and a couple guys) have told me it happened to them too.  Not being alone in this helps too. 

wow

I had a doozy of a panic attack today around 5pm. 
First one in a while.  I've been to see several counsellors about this, but I've never really found any solution.  I've learned how to deal with them when they come, but not *why* they come.  There was a lot of talk about triggers.  What thoughts trigger attacks.  My problem, I don't seem to *have* triggers.  There are no thought cycles, or repeating 'tapes', or spirals.  All that happens is I start getting tight chested.  A lot of the time I can talk my way out of it. 
I allow myself to feel tight chested and scared, rather than fight it.  I accept it.  "this is how you are feeling *right now* but you know that you can feel other things, this will pass, it always does".  Fighting ("STOP, STOP STOP! YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS!!!") makes it worse, just like fighting with another person.  It make the feeling bigger, like it would make a person more angry and defensive. 
But for some reason this time all I could do was pace around the kitchen, attempting to make dinner.  All while bawling my eyes out. 

I think that maybe life stress is getting to me.  J lost his job, I had been getting like 13 hours a week, so with 2 week retro pay, I'm only getting like 30 hours on this pay cheque.  This with the loss if the baby, and the tension of not knowing about the molar pregnancy until the 11th, just exploded.

I'm also starting gardening again next week, and I don't *really* want to, but we quite need the extra money, since it pays more /hour. 

It is the worst thing, feeling scared for no (apparent) reason.  I've come to realize that this has been happening since high school, but in high school I'd seek out reasons, and hash it out with friends (Mr. Smith being one of them...boy did we have a volatile relationship sometimes)

Part of me thinks this is hormonal.  I did not feel this way while I was pregnant.  Actually, I felt the most stable in those 3 months.  Now that my hormones are (going) back to normal...I'm moody and bitchy and seem to be having panic attacks again.  Awesome.

The good thing though is that as soon as J gets a job, and all my pay isn't going to everything, I'm heading back to my acupuncturist and naturaupath and we're going to get my hormones 'correct'.

For now I need to make sure I'm exercising, NOT EATING WHEAT!, and doing activities I enjoy (including more sex...it's been almost 2 months.  What with the miscarriage and all.) 

Feeling better for now.  and trying not to hold my breath for the next one.