just a MOMENT(s)

I have 3...I've missed so many weeks!  Happy Holidays!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

OWWWCH

So.  this is a bit of a TMI post...if you don't want to hear about sore breasts and the like, then don't bother continuing.

I'm going to say this 'out loud',  because as you know...I can't keep things quiet.  I seem to need to talk things out, and you dear reader(s?) don't talk back, or at least, not while I'm mid sentence.  And if it doesn't turn out to be true, I'll know pretty quick!

I'm seriously thinking I'm pregnant.    These past few months, every time I've said it, I get my period, so that's why I'm saying it...

But here is why, this month, I think I am.

I didn't spot this month.  I always do.  Very light, and un-worriesome, but always.
I have a lot fewer zits.  I always break out right before my period.  Not this month.
My breasts are SO sore.  I'm not even *doing* anything (ie, yoga, lying on my stomach, hugging someone) and they HURT.  I think they're kinda bigger too... now, I often get sore breasts, but usually during ovulation.
My lower back hurts.  I have been going to the Y and doing yoga/swimming/tai chi/rowing, so the extra exercise might be part of it, but it is listed as an early symptom.
I'm nauseous.  I'm not throwing up, not close...but there is a mild, more in the morning, queezyness.  I was attributing this to my chrismasitis and anxiety... 
I'm SO tired.  
Moo-dy.  I'm surprising even myself!  I cry over the smallest things, and I'm cranky and irritable.  If I am pregnant, it's a wonder Jason doesn't leave!  Poor partners.  or, it could just be PMS...

I'm finding it very frustrating that pregnancy and PMS symptoms are very similar!

I'm only3 or 4 days late...and, like, 4/5ths of those could be PMS too.  I'm feeling oddly crampy, but that might be too much cheese!  It's just wishful thinking I'm sure.  I just wish my breasts would stop hurting.

*edit*  certain food smells are making me feel quite ill too *groan*

urrgg...

I have christmasitis. 
Symptoms include, but are not limited to: grinch and scrooge like noises muttered, general malaise, the fervent wish that one was a bear and could get fat and hibernate until spring, headaches, anxiety attacks and grimacing every time one hears a Christmas carol. 

This disease seems to be genetic.  Both my parents seem to become symptomatic this time of year too. 

The cure:  Rescue Remedy, Tai chi, yoga, wearing purple flowers in your hair, enjoying when people around you are enjoying themselves, smiling, and giving (of yourself, not expensive gifts, or because it's obligatory).  In addition, take advantage of all the chocolate.

I like the chance to spend more time with (most) family.  I like *giving* presents, and ahem, getting (well thought out, not soap and candles) presents too.  I love that fact it's solstice and THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER!

A lot of my Christmas cards said something along the lines of "We hope your Holidays are filled with Joy and Grace" 

My Grandpa was surprised with the word, but ultimately liked it.  I used the work grace because if we can go through this disruptive and chaotic time with gracefully, all will be well. 

grace  (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4.

a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who dispense charm and beauty.

8.

a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

c. An excellence or power granted by God.

9. A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or after a meal.

10. Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

11. Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

tr.v. graced, grac·ing, grac·es

1. To honor or favor: You grace our table with your presence.

2. To give beauty, elegance, or charm to.

3. Music To embellish with grace notes.

OMG! only a week left! or, how I get though.

My getting though the holidays is different than yours, that is different from theirs.  My troubles come from not having organised enough time for making.

I have a rule.  no making in the afternoon of Christmas Eve., or the afternoon before what ever day I need gifts by.  This year I have a little extra grace period because My sister and her girlfriend are in Mexico over Christmas, so neither my mom or dad are celebrating with out them.  that really only gives me like 2 extra days though HA.

Anyway.  No more making at one am, Christmas day.  I try and stagger my making so everyone has at the very least one thing made for them.

Also, Rescue Remedy.  it works, use it.

My friend Lannis also wrote a blog post about holiday stress over on The Mrs. page.  Go check it out for her tip. 

And Soule Mama also talks about her lists and things to make, on similar lines to my giftmas philosophy.

My friend Khat made the decision 12 years ago so not 'do' Christmas any more.  She buys one present for her children.  She has made traditions with them.  They bake, and they celebrate the solstice, and they fill their house with friends.  Who can get stressed over *that!*?

I'm off to St Lawrence Market to go by the one. last. thing. I am getting for making.  Some beeswax for candles.  Then on to more making.  I have *one* gift done, one out of...many.

eeeeeeeeppppp!

Only 10 days left to giftmas.  I'm trying to use my time wisely and MAKE MAKE MAKE.  I haven't been taking many photos either. 
I've finished the small amount of shopping I have to do (with a couple exceptions of finishings for making), so *that's* good. 
I'm going to crunch though as much making as I can this weekend.  (with a little dancing slid in there!)
Ugh.  Merry Christmas?  It's *raining*  I'm not feeling very festive. 

december views

I has a sad. or my first world problems.

here comes my 1/4 life crisis.  or, a wave of depression...or you know, I was just laying in bed thinking.

I'm 32.  I don't have a job.  OK, wait.  I have a job.  Maybe.  In the spring.  But it's a job I don't want.  Partly because I'm not enjoying it any more, part because the stone work is to physically hard, and *that's* what I enjoy doing.  But I'm not going to wreck my body and injure myself.  Part because my boss went off the deep end last season and has odd expectations off me and has no patience for when I don't meet them.

I had not planned on going back in April. 

I also planned on getting pregnant so I didn't *have* to go back.  But *that* so far has been a bust.  *sigh*

I had what I thought was a great job.  I was managing a cafe.  I was organising, and getting things done, I was enjoying customer relations (something I've grown into apparently).  and one day, I got fired.  *BAM*  out of nowhere.  apparently, I was...not meeting their expectations.  Now, I know you read this in the paragraph before.  I've been beating myself up over this.  The cafe job, there was zero communication.  You say 'manager/supervisor', I do a job I think is what a 'manager/supervisor' does.  They didn't give me a job description, so I was winging it.  I'm more sad than anything over the situation.  I mean, I'm angry too, but I'm not frothing.

So, I have no job.  I can't get a gardening job over the winter.  And really, I don't want to,because I don't want to lead on a potential long term employer if I'm going to get pregnant.  Does that make *any* sense?  I guess I'm looking at other jobs that have high turn over, like Starbucks, to work.  then, I get the old brain thinking, "crappit.  I'm 32.  and I want to go work at *Starbucks!?*".  I feel ashamed because I didn't get any ducks in a line earlier.  I feel embarrassed too.  Is there something wrong with me? 

I keep thinking of my friend Sadie, who started a Hoop empire.  She's a biophysicist for heavens sake, and she followed her heart, and started hooping, something she *loves*.  I keep racking my brain.  what can I do?  what do I love?  and I get zip. 

Photography. 
I'm doing it.  I have a photo blog, I'm taking classes, I've got a book (YES!  A BOOK!) coming out, with a show attached to that...and then?  I've talked about Vivienne before.  She's another who has taken a passion and made it shine.  Do I have the chops for something like that?  In photography?  I think the best thing for me to do here is keep learning and keep walking this path.  I love it so.  But the way is not clear.

Horticulture.
I'm not sure I have the talent for it.  I'd like to keep working on it.  There was one point I wanted to do 'horticulture therapy', helping the elderly and disabled to garden more easily.  I'll keep that in mind too. 

But I guess what it comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself, and a little scared because Jason's back is not great, and I'm so scared that he won't be able to work, and there is no way we can survive on Starbucks wage.

december views a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A quickie

A quick little post to say
1.  the laptop is being repaired, so I have a lot less computer time since we're sharing again. 
2.  I joined the YMCA and am EXERCISING!  that is taking some time away too.  But boy does it make me feel good.
and
3.  I got fired.  I'm done talking about it.  It was on the sketchy side, I can't do anything about it because I wasn't there for 3 months.  I feel sad for the people involved (including my self)  but I'm not overly angry, and I'm not overly upset.  It just SUPER sucks to have to look for a job again.

I'll be back again once my laptop is back.  I'm still here!

art

december veiws

 

December views

Right now I'm not feeling there is much I want to say.  I've been feeling frusterated and pressured to write, so I ignore it.  I want to continue this blog!  pressure doesn't help.  SO, I found out about a blogger who started "December Views".  I'm going to attempt a photo every day in December to take the pressure off me writing. 

who knows, now maybe I'll write more.  I don't work well under pressure.  It makes me want to do the opposite!  Since I'm taking a lot more photos lately with Light Hunting, this shouldn't be a stretch.

here is my first December 'view':

Heh

Not much to say these days.  Not crafting, or cooking.  Just working and sleeping it seems.  I am trying to take photos.  If you read Becca Photographs you'll know I'm taking another Vivienne McMaster course, Getting Through the Grey.  This is the first unofficial week (she started a week early).  Looks like it's going to be good for, well, getting though the grey.  Keep checking Becca Photographs in the next 3 months for shots full of light.  I hope it helps you get though the grey too.

Sunday Morning

I have this amazing sense of peace right now.  I was about to say I wish I could share it with you, but I can in a way, after I write this I'll do a tonglen meditation directed specifically at those who are reading this post!  Cool.

This is a much nicer feeling than I had yesterday.  First day of my cycle is always the pits.  Tired, grumpy and sore.  It's amazingly hard to remember to accept when I'm feeling so terrible.  I took a pill instead.  I had a conversation with my mom once regarding remembering to notice and accept your moods.  She advised that in the beginning it doesn't matter *when* you notice.  Just that you do.  If it hits you a week later that you where a real grump, that's ok.  Accept it and move forward.  The more you remember the sooner you notice, and one day you will notice *before* a negative reaction happens.  I want to stress the word reaction.  Emotions are emotions and are there for a reason.  Anger isn't BAD.  Hitting is bad though.  Get my drift?

I'm getting too deep for a Sunday morning now. Ha ha.  I'm going to go back to listening to the rain and enjoying my coffee and waiting for Kiki to come drop in.  (geeze, she's up early on a Sunday!  good thing I've already lazed abed for over an hour already)

Don't let this rainy day get you down.  Here is an early morning November Rose.

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A change

There is a change in me.
I'm not so...jaded...as I thought I was.
Since I've been at the cafe, I've realized, I don't really hate people.  Gosh,. for the longest time I did.  ugh.  But lately I've noticed that the kinds of things that use to bug me, just, don't.  I know that people are dumb, so it must be me who has changed.  Being nice, or liking people still doesn't come naturally to me, but this shift is interesting.
Not sure if it's been my dabble into Buddhism, or therapy, or just getting older.  But you know me, I don't really care why.  Hells, I *smile* at strangers, and it doesn't feel forced.
Although, it would be kinda nice to be able to tell you my secret so people could learn from me.  Oh well, a guru I am not.

walking

I decided I didn't want to listen to music walking home last night.  It's about a half hour walk.  I decided that I was going to 'be in the moment'.  I was, and it was a good walk.  I practiced tonglen, and smiled at strangers.  (aren't I amazing?)  I did some passive thinking, had conversations with people.  I got to thinking about how a lot of people see Buddhism and kind of martyrdom.  Taking on suffering and suffering in it.  It's not like that at all.  Tonglen practice is simply breathing in the feeling of suffering, taking it, changing it, and breath out, essentially, the opposite.  I like to think in analogies, so I came up with this:  it's like baking a cake.  you put in all these raw, potentially harmful ingredients into an oven, and it processes and is something 'good'.  Don't ask me how.  It just is.

early thinking

trying out writing an early post.

What is on my mind is thinking.
Specifically thinking too much.
There are several people in my life that think too much.  One is J.  I won't out the others.  If you know me, and are reading this, this is not a cryptic 'you know who you are' post!  I *promise* I'm not judging.

I don't sit and think things through.  I go with my gut.  Sometimes it back fires.  But really, more often than not, things go as smoothly as life can go.  I swear to golly, every time I make lists and consult the stars and think things though, life/universe/God/whathaveyou say "heh, look, she's planning again.  ha ha, she's trying to figure it all out"  things go to shit.  and maybe things would have gone to shit *anyway*, but in the meantime I've stressed myself out with numbers and stars and +/- lists.

For example.  In 2010 we where all set to get pregnant.  It was all I was thinking about.  It was what I was planning.  I was going to get pregnant *this* month, and work the full season.  and then.  J's back happened.  GIANT WRNECH.  Similarly this year, specificity with baby plans.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  The  one thing I deeply think about and try and plan.

Maybe it's because I don't like to be disappointed.  Fly by the seat of my pants, I get what I get.

I don't want you to think I just float along, not planning.  My point is more about the type of person who analyses every angle and gets stressed out, eventually makes a choice,  and then is inevitably disappointed in the outcome because they have built it up and made this scenario that didn't factor in "shit happens"

J sees my point of view and thinks I don't care.  J thinks I brush off the responsibility of thinking things through.  I often say.  "It will be ok"  When I say that I don't mean everything will work out in our favour, or that all our dreams will come true, or even that we will *like* the outcome, but that we will survive, and do all we can do, because we always have.

Christmas making

So, like last year, I can't really talk about a lot of the gifts I'm making here, at least not *before* Christmas...someone might not be surprised!

So, in the mean time, until I can reveal what I'm making, here are a few posts from last Chrismas that might inspire your making this year!

Here is the tutorial for the bodum cozy.  I made one for my mom, J and my dad.  They all though it was great!
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/03/tutorialthursday-french-press-cozy.html

Maybe someone would like a home made day planner?
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-planner.html

some of the things I made/bought last year
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2010/12/giftmas-roll-call.html
and some photos of what I made
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2010/12/holiday-making-share.html
http://beccasnb.blogspot.com/2011/01/pom-pom.html

I thought I did a tutorial for the leg warmers.  hrrm.

any who.  keep your eyes peeled for a few Christmas making posts!  Not everyone is reading this (I hope!)

this week in foods

FEW!  what with working so much, I haven't been feeding us very well.  I had J take over dinners a few nights.  I'm off earlier on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I can do a little moreand make something that we can have as leftovers.  And now...what'll it be?

Sunday-lentil soup
Monday-lentil soup
Tuesday-a chicken and rice
Wednesday-chicken curry...and rice.  I think I'm going to try it in the slow cooker!
Thursday-spaghetti
Friday-spaghetti
Saturday-out

this whole work thing

I'm pooped!

I need to come up with a good time to write here.  Writing at the cafe doesn't work.  I need to keep my train of thought.  evenings Is J time.  I'm thinking mornings while I eat my oats.

I had to reprimand a girl yesterday.  I was a little worried.  I hate that kind of stuff.  But she took it well.  She's 18, and this is her first job.  Kinda...ditzy.  It's amazing what no life experience is like!  Flower (the co-habitant of the cafe space, who runs a florist shop, and who ran the cafe before we took over) says she'll do anything you ask.  18 asks a lot of questions.  Why is it done this way?  Why can't I have people in the cafe when it's closed?  Poor girl is pretty clueless, but the fact she asks questions (I hope means) she is learning. 

The job overall is a good one.  I feel like it's below where I should be in life, or maybe I feel that pressure from others, but hell, I'm a manager at least.  One of my dreams is to own a cafe, so this is one step closer to knowing how.  Maybe it feels like a step back because I've been doing cafe stuff so long.

I've also been feeling somewhat Manic.  I get to worrying that I'm going to crash.  I'm trying to remember to just be with the high, and not anticipate a fall.


The past few weekends I've seen friends a lot.  That certainly helps.  Thems good people.

today. it's Monday.

I don't really feel I have a whole lot to say these days.  I guess I don't do a lot of thinking at work. 

Today I found out that a man in the Burning Man community passed away.  I didn't know him well, but he sure was a light.  His 'playa' name was camp councillor Brad.  He was kind and happy.  He was at the party Saturday.  I don't know what happened, how he died.  It sure puts things in perspective.

I guess this is just me sending out some love.  And acceptance.

haiku

 My weekend of haiku.  This was a rare party weekend.  A house party Friday, and a large d.j. party Saturday.

Hey friends! It's Friday!
you know what that means? PARTY!
Monday will be hard

I love my friends lots
my throat hurts from talking loud
tomorrow! again!

I can't seem to clean
instead I will make my wings
I will fly tonight

sparkles and feathers
all over the livingroom
it must be decomp

breakfast for dinner
gives energy for dancing
digest some glitter

my eyes are bleary
that was an amazing night
lets do it again

she sips earl grey
cheering on Éowyn
"I am no man"

cries with Éomer
wash away last nights makeup
not all is lost

 

 

 

 

 

 

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

Haiku

I've been writing haiku for my facebook status updates since Monday.  I thought I'd share!  If I keep it up, maybe it will be a weekly thing.  I started because I wanted to vent, but didn't want to whine.  I thought getting creative with my words would make saying how I feel more satisfying than just complaining.  Mine aren't 'traditional' in subject, and follow the 5, 7 5 syllable.  Maybe I'll look into what a haiku really is and get deeper.  But for now, my focus is getting it out!

first day full time work
it's been a really long time
I hope I make it

day two, full time work
ten hours a day is lots
glad to be working

today, just my feet
hurt. my eyes, they are drooping.
Jason made dinner

Friday, Saturday,
Sunday off. Looking forward
to a fun weekend

it was a cool one
I miss the sun already
take me to san fran

going to bed now
it is almost the weekend
one more day of work!!

a surprise visit
kisses and introduction
I am still smiling

I walked home from work
Jason rubbed my poor sore feet
and now, off to bed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh my goodness!

I forgot workshop Wednesday!!
We'll try agian next week.
oh, and go check out some photos on Becca Photographs!

wowie zowie

I forgot what it was like to work! 
I started a new job Monday.
I had been looking for a winter job, and applied for a baking position.  The owner saw how much cafe experience I have, and interviewed me for a cafe manager role.  She hired me to help open, and run the new location.  It is an established cafe, and we are taking it over.  I came in a week early to give it a go.  I must say, I do like my down time.  I'll have to learn to take it wheI can again. 

I'm trying (again) to be more responsible around the house.  I'm not a very good house wife!  I cook, but that's about it.

the MIL

I am of the unfortunte ilk of having a MIL I'm not thrilled about.  Trying times are held by all when we visit.
J is fiercely loyal, even though he gets the brunt of the "abuse".  She like to pick fights, and she loves having family around.  If I told her the sky was blue, she'd argue that it wasn't.  She likes to be helped in the kitchen, but god forbid you wash the dishes a different way.
On the other hand, She is loving, and is physically affectionate.  She likes to give.
It's hard to have my own take on life, green, the want for no plastic/battery operated toys for our future kids, homeopathics...  I'm learning to be fast in my beliefs with concessions to what she thinks.
For example, she thinks the green movement is hilarious, because in her generation, people re-used everything until it fell apart.  I joke with her about the new word "upcycling", but point out how great it is that regardless of what 'they' call it.
When she forgets and has a good time she can be a riot.

i am frusterated

I am Grumpy.  I don't mean that I'm grumpy today, or when I'm PMSing.  I have come to the realization that I *really* don't like people.I see people I consider friends on my terms see?  I don't feel like being social, I don't go out.  (huh, do I cancel plans a lot?? I'm sorry if I do.)
The people I've spoken to about the way I act around and treat J don't understand.  "but you are so loving and sweet!"  my reply, "That's because you don't live with me."  Don't get me wrong, I *am* loving and sweet to J, just not all the time.  Most if the time I'm a bit of a jerk. 
Part of the problem is I'm not all that self aware.  That is changing some.
Part of it is entitlement.
Those things = mega bitch. 

(one day when Pickle was here we made super hero/villain names, J was Captain Obvious,Pickle was...huh, I can't remember, but I was The Pain.)

J deals with it fairly well, but when he has his own problems he doesn't.

For example.  I've been noticing (yay...self aware) that the last couple days I've been super grumpy.  In part because I have been sick, and not breathing properly since Thursday.  Not an excuse, just a reason.  Jason does this thing where he glances at me, over and over, when I'm in a mood, and since I'm in a mood, I finally 'say' "What!?".  And he does the "oh...nothing" thing.  This morning I say "Please stop being passive aggressive and just TELL ME what I'm doing that is bothering you?"  (because a lot of the time I really don't know how bitchy I am)  His big thing is getting defensive, so, because *he* is stressed out (oh life and your curve balls), says "fine, I'll just be aggressive, don't talk to me today"  and *I* say "next time try being assertive instead of aggressive and just tell me what's wrong"

We haven't spoken since. 

Wait, what was I talking about?

Me being a grump. 
We have Sisu staying with us.  I like her.  She's an excellent room mate.  But having someone in my space has made me realise how anti social I really am.  *sigh*  (so Sisu, if you are reading this, it's me not you!)

I think things are worse *right now* because I'm not working, *and* I have a broken finger in a huge splint *and* have bronchitis so I have hardly been out of the house for almost a week.  And sex with bronchitis...ha.

workshop wednesday

reusing...or 'upcycling' socks.

I have a bag of lost socks.  J has a heavy heel, producing holes in the heel of socks, leaving the rest unworn.  I have trouble throwing these items out.  I have trouble throwing perceived still usable items out in general.  Yes, even socks with heel holes.  I suppose darning is an option, but these are 'sport' socks...
We had sometimes used socks as dusters.
And then, I got my wild idea.

Cloths.

miss matched and holey socks

cut off the toe, heel and top

I cut through the bottom of the sock top make better use of the less worn top

I haven't  figured out what to do with the toes, heels and tops though haha.

and sometimes...

...sometimes home remedies just don't do the trick and one gets sick regardless.

It seems as though I have bronchitis.  The great part about having a nurse for a husband is he has a stethoscope and knows how to use it.  After listening to my lungs J figured there wasn't any fluid (not pneumonia) but my bronchi where mightily inflamed.  I was wheezing, and my chest was rattling!!  It seemed to have started with a mild sinus infection that either moved to my airway or, allowed a second infection to move in.  Regardless, I'm miserable!

I got some recommendations for herbs to use to help with the cough.  I went to Thuna Herbs and they made me a tea.  It tastes like...gross.  Very bitter.  But after 3 doses, it seems to be working...my coughing is less, but actually productive.  (meaning I'm coughing up mucus, rather than coughing for no good reason).  I also too Buckly's so I could sleep better.  Talk about gross.  *sigh*.  I was looking for something without sugar as I had been drinking a lot of honeylemonginger, and I was sugared out.  I took one for a wet cough, that helps with mucus.

I'm feeling somewhat better today.  I couldn't breath yesterday, and felt 80.  I feel at least 40 today.  (ha ha).  still a little wheezy, but much less zombified.

Super sad to have missed Hallowe'en though.

The "cough support" tea was:
1/2 oz horehound
1 oz of each
coltsfoot
thyme
red poppy
nettle

One tbsp *loose* in a mug steeped in very hot water for 20 minutes.  Strain and drink.  Do not add sweeteners, but add lemon juice if you want (I added a half a lemon).  At least three times a day.

Now, this morning I had drank a cup of black coffee before drinking the tea, and the tea was bearable.  maybe the bitter coffee helped with the bitter herbs.  It seems to be helping the sick...lets hope no one eles gets it!

OH!  also, J got his first nursing job today!  YA!

sharing

sharing this give away:

http://www.earthmama101.com/2011/10/sponsor-giveaway-wood-garden.html#idc-container

some super cute wooden toys and bowls.

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

siiiiiick

I'm not even sure if this post will make any sense...my apologies if it doesn't.

It's SO weird.  I've been feeling myself get sicker and sicker all day.  Fire throat, sore ear, snot and messed up sinuses.  I guess I just normally feel kinda off one day, and then wake up at deaths door.  *This* time it's like watching a bath fill up...it's not really noticeable, but it's getting fuller.  (I told you it wouldn't make sense). 

Instead of whine, I thought I'd share my sick remedies.
1. oregano oil.  I do 3 or 4 drops a few times a day...that's kinda arbitrary...maybe you should follow what the bottle says??
2.  Hot tea. asap.  make a pot.  and then another.  this makes you pee.  A LOT.  I hate peeing.  It's such a bother.  But I suppose it flushes out the sick.
3.  Hot bath with eucalyptus.
4.  Don't let yourself get cold after the bath.  touque, scarf, socks slippers and make yourself into a blanket burrito.  Sweat it out.
5.  Make your spouse go out and buy you lemons and ginger.  Make a hot lemon with chopped ginger, honey (RAW) and a dash of cayenne. (sweat!)
6.  chicken soup.  home made or at least those expensive jars.  you need whole foods, not crap.  In the bottom of the bowl add some
7. raw chopped garlic.  Raw garlic is supposed to be fab for you.  If you can stand it chew a clove!!
8.  Sleep.  in a blanket burrito.  keep sweating, and rest.

oh, and if your throat is sore, gargle salt water.

here's hoping I get better soon!

Workshop Wednesday

My new favourite meal.
It's a pie stew thing.  But with no crust...
I got the idea from a friends leek sausage pie.

With my cast I couldn't do pie crust, and I can't do wheat, so a bought crust was out of the question (and anyway, ewww)

So, turn on your oven to...oh, 350/400, and using a deep oven proof skillet, cook onions and garlic in some olive oil and butter.  I guess it's called 'sweating'.  I didn't want them brown.  Use medium heat.  Then add meat.  Sausage (whole) or chicken thighs...or pork chops!  Turn up the heat some and brown them nice.  Don't turn the heat up too much so the meat cooks a little and the onions and garlic don't burn.  Add the lid and chop your leek, add it, and flip the meat.  Cut a few baby potatoes in half and add them.  Plop on a can of Amy's mushroom soup, along with a half can of water or milk.  If you like stew pie thick mix a couple tablespoons of flour (any flour will do) with the water.   Giver a stir and bring to a boil.  Put a layer of spinach, put on the lid, and stick skillet in oven and cook until the meat and potatoes are done. 

I kinda just made that up...sorry for the vague instructions!  I cooked some brown rice and it was delish!  oooo, I wonder if I added rice to the skillet if it would work!  try it, let me know!

(Amy doesn't know who I am and no one gave me money or product, I just happen to like to use her stuff more than Campbell's or some such)

todat i

saw
the sunrise
an inspiring interview

heard
good 'old' music

smelled
supper
rain

tasted
butter and honey
good earl grey

physically felt
J's hug

emotionally felt
J's love
myself get motivated

Today I

It's time again to start seeing!

Today I:
Saw
smiles from Sunday walkers
opportunities for photographs
a funny squirrel

heard
a live band while walking a trial
a complement
my shutter
Prudence meow

tasted
chocolate cranberry banana bread
stew
fall air

smelled
fall air

physically felt
Prudence's fur
Sam's hug
pain free after getting more homeopathics
sunshine

emotionally felt
calm
pleased
happy

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

More homeopathy and some life

So, two days later.  I had scaled back the pellets.  More pain!  I'm going to go back to the dose I was doing before and see if it helps.  Very interesting.

No news from the specialist, so I better call.  Sunnybrook ER was great, but I guess ER docs don't hand out info, like how long I'll be in this danged cast.  Harvey is great, but I want my hand back!

Some good news, at least from a friend who's torn finger ligaments.  He didn't have surgery, just physio.  So I have hope that *if* the ligaments where torn, no knives will be involved.

This has thrown me for a loop.  I'm pretty sure I'm depressed!  The little motivation I had before is gone, all I want to do is eat and watch movies.  I almost forgot to go to La and Nat's book launch.  I had even reminded J, and myself several times.  I did make it, with 15 minutes to spare.  I almost turned around too!  (go check out Sparrowling Press!)  Right now my cure is getting up and getting out!

I'm attending a conference with Sister this weekend.  Friends are coming over to watch a movie.  Sounds good.  J is going away to GWs with Pickle, so I'm glad I've got busy!

homeopathy

I am not a huge fan of pain killers.  They are important, and I take them, but sparingly and when I need to be pain free, ie, work or can't back out of something.

I was given a scrip for percoset, and I filled it, without the intention of taking it.  I decided to take homeopathic remedies instead.  I have been taking arnica and symphytum.  My mom has taken only arnica for two relatively minor surgeries, with great success, so I thought I'd give it a go.

So far, 3rd full day after accident, and 2nd after the freezing wore off, I'm feeling pretty good.  There is some discomfort and pain but it's tolerable.  J was saying "wow, you must have a really high tolerance for pain, healing bones are painful!"  I'm going to say it's the remedies! 

learn more about homeopathics here or do your  own google search

Becca, the Grumpy housewife

I need to vent.  Pardon me while I slink over here and throw a mild tantrum.

I'm mighty tired of my cast already.  Harvey is already really dirty.
I can't do up most buttons.
I can't fold laundry.

I haven't tried my camera yet.
I haven't tried to knit.
Might not...I don't want the disappointment.

I can't learn to juggle, or take my driving test.

OK positives...

I can organise our book shelves.  I now have time.
I can visit friends who are available during the day.


pout.

Becca, the gimpy housewife

In two seconds I went to having two jobs and one fully functional hand to maybe one job, and two partially functional hands.
This Saturday I rolled my ankle, fell, and dislocated and fractured my left pinkie.  The ankle is blessedly just fine.  My left hand is in a gutter (half) cast.  We (my darling friend Miss. for the first half and J for the second) where only in the ER for 2 hours.  The worst part was the needles for freezing.  That pain was worth it for the reduction (putting everything back into place).  I just kept saying "woah...that feels so weeiiiiiirrrd". 
I say 2 partially functional hands because Friday I cut my thumb sharpening tools at work!!!  It's quickly on the mend, but some tasks hurt, like hitting the space bar, turning a key, or pulling a zipper.
There is no way to finish the gardening season now.  I'm hoping to be able to get medical leave EI (employment insurance).  I *just* got hired at a new job too.  Not sure how that will work out now.
Well.  At least I can still cook.  Just eating a lamb stew I gimpped together lol.  nice and 'rustic'.
I'm getting tired of one fingered typing...

my new friend Harvey

menu

Sunday: Lamb stew
Monday: Chicken
Tuesday: leftovers
Wednesday: home-made spaghetti
Thursday: chilli (made from spaghetti sauce)
J will be away with Pickle at GW's for the weekend.  Poor eating ensues.

hmm, Maybe I'll post my spaghetti/chilli recipe!

just a moment!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

things

Sitting here with an empty screen.  I don't really have much to say these days it seems.
We're keepin' on.  No news is good news.

I'm looking for a new job.  One that doesn't break my back.  I'm planning on working all winter, and not going back to the same gardening job in the spring.  Doing the math, I need to work all winter to get maternity when and if I get pregnant.  I kinda feel like I'm jumping the gun here, but I need to have enough hours (600) to qualify for maternity.  I have to double check, but I don't think I can go on regular EI and then go right on Mat.  (To clarify, I am a seasonal worker, so I get laid off each winter, and get re-hired in the spring)  I suppose I should go talk to someone in regards to that.  The wording is terrifically obscure.

On another note, I helped out/performed this past Saturday for Nuit Blanche, "Vaudville Hotel" 12 hour cabaret featuring burlesque and other vaudeville acts.  Including Edith Checkerspot!  NSFW!!!  Find me (uh, Edith) 'stage kittening' for the first 3 hours and the hoop act at 2:55! (click "Vaudeville Hotel" for the 3 part, 12 hour video!)  I love Edith SO much!

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

ramble?

I didn't log on with anything specific to say.
I'm home sick and the sun is shining on me as I drink chai and smell the chicken stock cook.
Not much to say other than, other than having a mild cold/flu, I have been feeling pretty good.
I've been struggling with motivation, and was beginning to wonder if I was (clinically) depressed.
I've been working a lot on accepting now, and have been practising Tonglen.  On myself and Others.  Breathing in perceived negatives (feeling crabby, anxiety, suffering) and breathing out the opposite, or a general sense of well being.  I guess that goes along with 'leaning into', mindfulness and acceptance I've been talking about/working on.
I keep reminding myself that I can do the same with my good feelings.  well, not the same, but I can breath in my good, and breath it out to the world.

I'm baaaaaaack

HUZZAH!
I have my laptop back, or, I should say, I now have power!

I'm not going to go back over the past few weeks and try to catch up.  too overwhelming.
I've had my laptop going for a few days now.  But I've been manically creating art!  I started the Vivienne McMaster workshop Swan Dive.  I've been loving it.  The first week was working with tone and colour.  We where encouraged to make a right out mess.  Play with Picnik until the image was unrecognizable.  This one was my favourite mess.  (it's on the desktop, and flickr won't let me download my image!)
next was layering textures.    I think I went a little off the beaten path with mine, but I LOVE them.  here are my favourites:

I've been feeling rather well for the past few days, in mind body and spirit.  I'm attesting some of it to this creating I'm doing. 

Just a moment!!

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

share yours if you have one, click on  "this moment" to find the originator and more links to other moments

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

pain

A few months ago J and I went though a tough spot. 
We're fine now, and in counselling to resolve our communication issues. 

I was just sitting here thinking about a few things that where said back then.  One of them was that I wasn't sure I was ever happy in our relationship.  SO weird.  It's not true.  But I was in a place of major pain, so that's all I was feeling/remembering.  The negative aspects of our life together, and not how I felt daily.  My love.

What an interesting concept.  Feeling so angry that you can't remember ever feeling love.  And I suppose the other way around happens all the time too.

I wonder if practising mindfulness would help with that.  Being with, accepting and embracing those feelings.  Rather than getting sucked in and loosing yourself.

cooking with a new pan!

My Mom found a good deal on a set of cookware.  So she got them for us for Christmas.  I cooked dinner with the fry pan tonight!

Patty pan squash cut in half and sauteed in butter, the quickly tossed in fresh dried basil.  And then the fish was fried in the same butter.  Lid on, skin down.  The best part?  NOTHING BURNED!

sensed

it's been a while.
yesterday and today I:

Saw:
butterflies
unexpected friends
expected friends
old friends 
new friends
children watching

heard:
An amazing band
amazing friends jam
laughter
advice

tasted:
vegan cheesecake
a free lemon, orange ginger popcicle
shared cake

smelled:
the market
friends

felt physically:
a hand on my waist
hugs
kisses
cold cat noses
furry friends

Felt emotionally:
warmth
friendship
caring
awe
comfort
contentment

connection part two

So, after that last blog post (um...not the menu plan ha ha) My friend...lets call him Cory MacDonald, came up to me at a party and was all like...WTF Becca!?  OK, he didn't say that.  or maybe he did, I can't remember.  I had a whole glass of sangria...I don't remember a lot...that's also not true...the not remembering part.  I do remember.

that's why I'm *writing* this

(pardon me, I'm over tired and under coffee'd)

I had the pleasure of seeing Beat not once but twice yesterday.  It was lovely.  We where both at the party in the evening and spirits where high and we where flirty.  I somehow got on to the topic of my feeling regarding him (and North) with a handful of friends.  And they think I'm adorable (and crazy?)  But Cory was all like "WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM!?"  And I was all like "CORY!  I DON'T *KNOW!*"  So he explained it to me.  So what if I am sexually attracted to other people?  (he's married, and monogamous too...)  So?  So I have this connection with another man (crappit, men), what am I going to do about it?  Oh, nothing.  Because I love Jason, and I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. 
Oh.
Right.

*ahem*

I'll just be over here staring at this spot on the wall feeling rather silly.

I think it's important to note that it's important to *know* this.  To know what your boundaries are.  Beat and I know.  We actually talk about it (in a very not serious, joking, fun way...and I don't even know if he read my last blog post, or if he's just all SMRT like that, or both).

So all in all.  I feel better, and less crazy about it.  Thanks Cory MacDonald.  Smooch.
 

zee menu

Sunday:  Corn, beans, sausage
Monday: patty pan squash anf fish
Tuesday: pizza
Wednesday: walnut mushroom pasta
Thursday:potato broccoli and sausage, maybe zuccini
Friday and Saturday I'll be MIA at the inlaws girls weekend.  I'll be eating poorly!

connection

I have a friend, we'll call him Beat.  Beat is one of my favourite people.  I struggle with that.  Because Beat is male, and I'm a lady, and married.  (wait hold on, keep reading!)  I think that in a different life/time I might have been interested in being with Beat on a romantic level (no really...just listen).  I don't allow my mind to go there, because I am fiercely in love with J.  It's not even an option.  
Any way...I'm not writing about this because I'm concerned about my marriage in this regard.  That is rock solid. 
I'm writing about Beat because I struggle with my friendship with him. 
In the past, before marriage, I have been sexually active with, I'd say, 90% of my male friends.  and 75% of that 90% was because they where with someone.  (sometimes not because *I* was *shame*)
Beat and I have a lot in common.   This could also be said for another friend, North.  Same thing, different boy.  ANYWAY. 
Now that you think I'm a perfect n00b, and that I don't respect my marriage vows (that for your information we are renewing in September!)
I read a blog post recently by a new friend (a girl!!!) talking about love energy.

"How often do we sabotage ourselves against pleasure and love?  What's it like to really open to the possibility of allowing loving energy to move through our bodies?  And IF we actually let ourselves feel that, do we let ourselves share that with a partner?! ...we get worried, like "Oh, I am not supposed to be feeling pleasure with this person (or in this environment, or by myself)" so we shut it down, turn it off, and stop feeling.  We are basically sabotaging ourselves from feeling our own true, innate nature!"

I feel great pleasure and love when I am with (specifically) these two people.  I feel a great connection, one that is different than I feel with J.  And it's a little scary, because I am heterosexual, and both these guys like girls, strong energy is generally seen as 'chemistry' and that often leads to buh buh buh sex.

If these boys where girls it would be a different story and we'd be bffs and I wouldn't be scared.

So...what was my point.  I don't think I had one.  but I wanted to #1, share L's blog post because I found the concept interesting, and worth sharing, and valid to my terrible plight of feeling a connection to men other than my Hubby.  And #2 share these feeling because I wonder if I am alone in this, and if anyone has truly had a platonic, loving, NON SEXUAL opposite sex friendship work.  A *real* friendship, one you would have with someone of the same sex (or not your type sex) and it wouldn't be weird.

Is this something that would be worth talking to these guys about? 

just a moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

for dinner

I made Kitchen Sink Soup for dinner tonight.

you know Anything but the kitchen sink.
(I also made more pudding.  it took less that 10 minutes!)

The only thing that is a constant in KSS is homemade chicken broth.

Today I made the broth with chicken breast bones from last night, an onion, a carrot, mushroom stems and basil leaves.  I simmered it until it smelled too good to bare anymore, then I drained the broth into a bowl and dumped the stuff, except for the carrot, I added that to the soup.
The premise of KSS is that you add what you have on hand.  Today it was:

Left over chicken
corn cut off a fresh cob
green beans
Shitaki mushrooms (the stems went into the broth!)
the carrot from the broth
buckwheat noodles.

I boiled the broth, added the stuff and waited for the noodles to be done.  Then I added more basil leaves.

I seldom don't add corn.  Usually it's frozen...
I often add a sausage.  I slice it up from frozen and add it in.
Then I add what ever veg. is in the fridge and other things laying around.  Zucchini, broccoli, garlic, onion, rice, soup beans (the cook quick), wild rice, carrots, potato, sweet potato, squash, spinach, shrimp, leftover meat/veg/pasta.

contemplating

I seem to be making headway with my counselling.  Lot's of *aha!* moments.  (Thanks Oprah, for that)  I've been having trouble with my boss.  He's been really negative lately.  Negative and forgetful.  He'll tell us one thing, and decided to do it another way and forget to tell us, and get angry when we didn't do it "right".  He's been on me a lot about "paying attention" and how things are "just common sense".  He tells me "well, I wouldn't have done it this way" when he doesn't give me detailed instruction.

I'm terrible at communicating, esp. in person.  I get scared that 1. I will hurt the other person, or 2. I'm way off base.  I grew up not being able to ask questions (of my dad).  He always wanted us to figure it out.  So I'm pretty good at figuring things out on my own.  I've had people ask me how I knew such and such...I just shrug and say "I just figured it out".  That works well in my job, not being given detailed instruction.  Except for the fact that I "should have known better"  or one of the above statements.  I have told Boss that I'm so new at this.  this is only me second season...EVER gardening.  Not just with him.  EVER.

So I just nod, and say "ok" and try to do better next time.  And I hold my breath when walking up to the shop every morning because I'm afraid of what he is going to say. 

I wish I could hate him.  I wish he was an asshole, but he's NOT.  I just happen to disapoint him on a weekly basis.

One thing my councillor asked me was if it was true.  Am I doing a poor job?  Am I messing tings up and ruining his business?  A resounding NO.  I'm doing the best job I know how. 

So, Back to communication.  I CAN'T DO IT.  If you know me in person, you may have noticed I don't ask questions of my friends.  I'm pretty quiet in conversations.  I just generally don't know what to say, out of fear. 

So in regards to Boss, it was suggested, that because I fear hurting him, and adding the last straw to his stressful home situation, I use positive reinforcement.  I was all like *duh*.  that's what I'm asking for, why shouldn't I lead by example?  So, when by chance he gives me detailed instruction, I can say "Hey Boss, thanks!  it really helps me feel more confident when you go step by step like that", rather than go right out and say "Boss, the way you do things doesn't work, I need you to tell me things step by step".

I'm hoping to incorporate this into my daily life with J.  And Pickle, and friends too.  So if you find me all of a sudden saying something like "hey friend, I appreciate it a lot when you call, it feels nice"  don't be all weirded out...I'm just trying to communicate!

workshop Wednesday! woop woop!

I made pudding yesterday.  with RICE MILK.

2 cups rice or soy milk (I'm going to try chocolate almond milk next!)
3 Tbsp corn starch  (I have potato starch, and I'd like to try that to stay away from GMO corn) *edit*  I used potato starch!  It worked like a charm.  You just need to cook it longer...but if you've never used corn starch...you'll never know!
1/4 cup (organic cane) sugar
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tbsp vanilla

In a double boiler combine ingredients with a whisk.  Bring water to a boil and keep whisking/stirring until pudding thickens.  Don't let the pudding boil.  Once it's thick, spoon into individual bowls or a medium glass bowl  Cool for 10 minutes and refrigerate.  I didn't even wait until it was refrigerated.

It tasted like pudding...looked like pudding.  YUM.

getting it out and down

Even if that means recanting in a few weeks.

So I suppose its no secret J and I are trying to get pregnant. 
This month has been a bit of a debacle regarding my charting.  I have a lot of blank spaces in my temperature chart...and I've only checked my cervix and mucus a few times.

At the same time though, I decided to just let go.  Sex hadn't been much fun.  Not when I announce..."OK!  Lets go!  we gotta make a baby!"  I think we missed ovulation last month due to...uh...stress.  So this month I told J that we just need to relax about it.  I know approximately when I ovulate.  By using FAM we have sex during that 10 day window...whenever.  I realize every 3 days is optimal...I stopped counting and decided to have fun.

yesterday, on day 23 of my cycle I started spotting.  I generally spot on day 28/29, a couple days before my 'true flow' starts.  I was feeling crampy, with mild sharp pain earlier in the day.  Just like period cramps.  I was so confused.  It's a week before my period is due.  I'm pretty darnd regular.  And then the spotting, that was different from my regular spotting. 

I've read that implantation happens around 9 days after ovulation...yesterday was (if I ovulated when I was 'supposed' to) day 11.

I polled a special list on FB and their experiences with implantation pain  where more severe than mine...but another friend's experience was the same...period like cramps and spotting.


DUDE...I'm trying SO hard not to get excited...I get excited every month.  And then I cry when I get my period.

BUT.  This is how I met J...ha!  I said.  "EFF this trying so hard...what ever happens happens"...and then...it happened.  so maybe...just maybe it happened again.

I'm not holding my breath though...maybe my cycle is whacked. 

sensed

Today I

Saw:
a bee rest
the same bee stick it's proboscis into the bottom of several hosta flowers and drink!
many bees enjoying anise flowers
a humming bird

heard:
a chickadee talk to me
a chorus of cicada
back yard jazz to brighten my day

tasted:
an apricot
many many cherries

Smelled:
Lemon Thyme
roses
lavender
something sweet unidentified


felt physically:
cool water
breeze from a bee
sun and shade

felt emotionally:
calmed

just a moment...

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.